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Do fearful avoidant men come back?


Manda316

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Hello all,

 

My husband is what I’ve now come to realize is a FA. I knew nothing about attachment styles until after he left. I’m more of an anxious-preoccupied for sure. The backstory is, my husband of almost 2 years suffered a horrific sexual abuse when he was around the age of 9. He also didn’t have his father in the picture and his mom had to work a lot to support him and his sister so he was a caregiver for his sister.

 

We met while he was deployed (military) through some mutual friends. I didn’t want anything more than a friendship with him at first. He pursued me very hard for months. I loved the way he talked to/treated me and decided to give it a shot. We kept in constant contact until he came home and we were very excited to finally meet each other. A week before we were supposed to meet, he broke up with me. Telling me he didn’t want to be with me and he didn’t love me and cut me off completely. A week after that he texted me to wish me luck on an exam I was taking. We started talking and he apologized. I told him that I’d still love to meet him and we spent the week together while he was home visiting his grandparents (they live in the same state I did) I went to visit him in the state that he was stationed in and we got engaged. We got married 4 months later. He was completely in love with me and cried at our wedding in front of everyone which I’ve read FAs don’t normally do. A month after, he was in training in another state and I went up to see him. He sent his phone home with me because he wasn’t allowed to have it. While I had his phone, a girl from the base he was stationed at texted him wishing him luck. This was a girl he’d had a crush on previously who rejected him. I read all of the texts between them. He never mentioned he had gotten married and told her how beautiful and special she was to him and that if she ever needed anything he’d drop everything and go to her. They also said they’d meet up the next time he was in the state she lived in. I was heartbroken! I wanted to end my marriage immediately (being anxious) but decided to fight for it. He agreed it wouldn’t happen again. Fast forward 6 months and I’m moving out of my home state to live with him. I find out that he’d been training a girl at the gym. Another huge red flag for me. We finally make it “home” and start the process of living together. We started out great but my insecurities and other stressors caused me to be less than easy to live with sometimes. We fought quite a bit but always made up. He’d tell his friends how in love he was, how he didn’t know what he’d do without me, that he didn’t feel he deserved me and that he wasn’t sure if he should be with anyone but himself.

 

A year later, we have now moved to a new station. We’ve only been here two months. A month ago I went back to my home state to collect the rest of my stuff that I didn’t bring when I moved originally. While I was gone he started acting weird. One night I didn’t hear from him and questioned him about it. He told me he would never do anything to jeopardize our marriage, that he loved me and we’d be together for the rest of our lives. Two days before I was due to be home he sent me a “surprise” which was a picture of his manscaping. I of course thought that was very weird and asked him who he did that for, of course he said me. I decided to check his Instagram friends and found that he had a new friend in the same state we were currently living in. I confronted him about it and he said he’d met her while he was out to dinner with friends, that it was nothing and she knew he was married. He also said he went home after dinner which I later found out was a lie, he went to a bar with his friends, she was there also. After that conversation he said he was done, that he’d become a piece of and didn’t know what happened to him. He also brought up his abuse again and told me he thinks about it like 5 times a week. I tried like hell to reason with him but he told me he didn’t want to be with me anymore and stopped loving me while I was gone for the 6 days. He stayed around for another couple weeks before leaving me a week ago. He told me the night he left that he was having (terrible) thoughts and brought up the fear of having kids and that he could deal with himself if he was alone. He stopped being irrational for a brief moment in that conversation and told me that he loved me, he would do anything for me and his regret was falling in love with me. I want to save my marriage and I want nothing more than to help my husband. Do these types of men ever regret the decision to leave their wives? Especially when the decision was made out of pure emotion? Does he maybe want space for a while? I know nobody can give me a for sure answer on this but I’d love to hear other stories. Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read this post!

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This alleged "FA" has nothing to do with the fact that this man is a serial cheater.

 

I have to ask, why did you decide to get married after only spending a few days together in person? This hurried decision is why you don't know him very well...he is a cheater who hides behind excuses.

 

He is right about one thing...he doesn't deserve a faithful wife.

 

BTW, my friend was married to a serial cheater. She too wanted to "help" him (she had decided he was "depressed"). All she got for her efforts to "help" him was a husband who continued to have affairs, again and again and again. She finally realized he didn't want "help", at least not from her, because he enjoyed his multiple affairs. So she bit the bullet and divorced him. Her life has become exponentially better since the divorce.

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I am very sorry. He has things he needs to sort out on his own. This marriage is over. You need time to pick up your self-respect and your sanity and start taking a real hard look at what you've got versus what just walked out the door. If you have your health, some things to get you by, you are already lightyears ahead of the breakdown of this marriage. You can rebuild your life and start again but do take a look at yourself too. You're attracting individuals who are unstable and unfaithful but yet willing to put your life and happiness on the line for them. There's something very dysfunctional there and trust me when I say I feel for you and empathize.

 

In a marriage very often what happens is we spread ourselves out like runny melted butter ...all the way out to the edges of existence, stretching to try and fix and mend and coordinate a union that isn't working very well or coordinating itself very well. You're stretching yourself to bits and fragmenting or falling apart. That has to stop. Stop making up excuses for him, stop running yourself into the ground and please don't think that this is because of you that he was with other women.

 

Turn all those energies back to yourself. This takes so much willpower and determination but I believe in you. Do it. Once you do it, there is no turning back and I think you'll find more confidence in yourself too. Don't waste the rest of your life on someone who doesn't deserve your support or love.

 

Start locating support systems now... turn to your community, friends or your family and be wary of individuals who take advantage of you. Don't air your business out for all and sundry but do start plotting and planning for a way out and a future ahead without this man. Wishing you lots of peace and a bright future ahead.

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Please stop smoking the psychobable pipe. He isn't fearful avoidant anything, just your run of the mill cheater who will continue to cheat and cheat.

 

Wanting to end this sham of a marriage, he is doing about the only decent thing he's probably ever done. Please stay home, get a lawyer and get divorced.

 

Once you do that, you do need to sit yourself down and sort out your own head. You married someone you barely know who was clearly hot/cold/on/off and blatantly unhealthy and a fixer upper project. Whatever drove you to act like that needs serious fixing and it's the only thing you can fix in this situation - yourself and your picker when it comes to men and relationships. You can't fix cheaters, you can only walk away from them before you catch something incurable.

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I'm so sorry! this is a terrible situation but fortunately, it's only been a few years. you can start again. I know that this and the advice of others, is a shock. we're all saying it's over and you're looking for advice to fix.

 

However.... please consider what we are saying, even though it is hard. This man has been a teetering mess from the get go. And it has continued in new locations, new situations, etc...

 

He knows what he is doing is wrong. Hence why he is so convincing when he wants forgiveness. He'll never do again, will always protect you, blah blah blah.

 

His history of abuse and neglect, while sad, is not an excuse to be a bad husband and partner. At some point, we all have to own the things that have happened to us and work to stop the cycle not perpetuate it.

 

You're making excuses for him that allows him to be a bad person.

 

Take all your love and turn it inward. As Rose suggested. Find support for YOU! Get yourself away from this cheater and liar. Take care if yourself, as you would him. with kind thoughts and tough love. Be strong.

 

Keep posting. We all have been there and know, if we can get to a better life, you can, too.

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Oh dear.

 

This isn't about attachment style. This is about marrying each other when you really didn't know each other very well, and then discovering that he's not trustworthy and that he likes attention from multiple women. He hasn't respected you or your marriage nearly from the beginning.

 

Stop making excuses for him. This isn't a marriage worth saving, OP. He isn't being irrational - he's finally being honest that he cannot be your husband. You would be wise to believe him this time.

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What is there to save?! If you had waited a minute before marrying a stranger, you would have known what a creep he was. This guy is a classic cheater, stop making excuses for him. He does not love you and will not change. Address why you would get yourself into this situation and seek out a divorce attorney.

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