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You are giving him all the power — letting him figure out what he feels about you and what he wants to do, all while he says he doesn’t enjoy being with you and isn’t sure, blah, blah, blah. And you always eager for anything he wants to give. Take back your power, quit putting any energy into him and put it into yourself. You do not spend years working on a relationship with someone who isn’t thrilled to be with you, no matter what. Work on your going home plan, your health, work and leave at the first possible moment. Don’t share, don’t support, don’t cook or clean or anything for him and just get in a better headspace to figure out why you would be willing to settle this way.

 

Remember, you don’t spend this much time with someone who isn’t delighted to be with you. You would be better off alone and self confident than with this yahoo acting hot and cold and being mean.

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How do you "make it work" with someone who's not sure if he even wants to be with you?

 

Better question, WHY do you want to try?

 

Other than "but I LOVE him" and "but we've been together for years", of course, because those aren't real reasons.

 

Staying in this relationship isn't going to make you feel better.

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You are giving him all the power — letting him figure out what he feels about you and what he wants to do, all while he says he doesn’t enjoy being with you and isn’t sure, blah, blah, blah. And you always eager for anything he wants to give. Take back your power, quit putting any energy into him and put it into yourself. You do not spend years working on a relationship with someone who isn’t thrilled to be with you, no matter what. Work on your going home plan, your health, work and leave at the first possible moment. Don’t share, don’t support, don’t cook or clean or anything for him and just get in a better headspace to figure out why you would be willing to settle this way.

 

Remember, you don’t spend this much time with someone who isn’t delighted to be with you. You would be better off alone and self confident than with this yahoo acting hot and cold and being mean.

 

This is great advice!

Are you working? Do you have an income? Can you rent a room somewhere until you can return home?

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I wouldn’t be surprised if you someday learn that he’s actually been in contact with his ex since the time he started acting funny with you, OP.

 

I’m sorry, but as the others have said, this relationship is as good as over. He hasn’t had the courage yet to end it definitively, but it’s coming. You will be better off with a man who knows without a shadow of a doubt that you’re the one for him.

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Jess. I concur with the other posters. I cannot even imagine how you could (at any time) have contemplated or contemplate marrying this man. My opinion is that the "dreams" of the ex are simply a red herring he is dragging into the whole sorry situation.

He doesn't wish to be with you, OP. And likely never did.

 

More importantly, why would you think that this is the best you can do for yourself.

 

Just wanted to ask how is that you don't know anybody there? Did you not make at least a few acquaintances there outside your relationship with this person? Surely many or some of the intended wedding guests would have been friends or acquaintances of yours?

Edited by LaHermes
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I have an ex husband in my past. He was the one who wanted to get married and I was too young and definitely immature and so I said yes. Seemed like a good idea at the time! Well, twice he said - sorry I cant do this, I cant marry you. I never got a good reason why, it seemed like cold feet to me. But being young and stupid I whined and cried both times til he said oh, ok, I'll marry you. Geez...after the second time, he said let's get married and I said - and have you break my heart for a 3rd time? I dont think so! So he whined and carried on until I gave in. He promised he would marry me, and he did. It lasted about 3 yrs. We were young and stupid and if this happened to me now, I'd be gone, or he'd be gone, I would never let someone jerk me around like that again.

 

If your guy cant figure out what he wants and how to get that ex out of his head, you are doomed. I dont think you should marry him. In fact, I'd kick him to the curb. He's not the only guy out there!

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I can't speak for you, only for myself. If I were ever with someone manipulative enough to lay dreams and longings for an ex in my lap along with doubts about wanting to stay with me, I'd tell him, "Good luck with that..." as I walk away.

 

Really, what does he expect you to DO with that info beyond relieve him of the supposed conflict? In my book, dumping this garbage already makes him the bad guy. I'd have zero conflict about spending another minute with the guy, much less a future.

 

If this were really a conflict that the guy wanted to work out, he would be doing that on his own without burdening you with stupid 'stuff' you can do nothing about.

 

Head high, and don't pretzel yourself. You'll thank yourself later.

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Thanks for all the support.

Update.

I have stayed in the house as there is a separate room.

I have booked a flight to go to my parents and have a removal company coming to get my stuff.

 

I'm sure that wasn't easy but in the long run it is the right decision.

 

You will be much happier in a relationship where the man is sure he wants to be with you and truly wants to marry you.

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Thanks for all the support.

Update.

I have stayed in the house as there is a separate room.

I have booked a flight to go to my parents and have a removal company coming to get my stuff.

 

Smart choice, and you're lucky to have a separate room during this move time.

 

Head high, and you will thank yourself later.

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Yes glad to have the spare room.

 

He is still trying to ask me to stay. I think that it’s finally hit him I am really leaving as he saw me packing up all my stuff. He has become very emotional, crying etc every day since but I can walk with my head high knowing I tried and he didn’t and it’s too late to rekindle now!

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Yes glad to have the spare room.

 

He is still trying to ask me to stay. I think that it’s finally hit him I am really leaving as he saw me packing up all my stuff. He has become very emotional, crying etc every day since but I can walk with my head high knowing I tried and he didn’t and it’s too late to rekindle now!

 

Good for you. You're doing the right thing. I'm sure its tough to be strong. but worth it in the long run.

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He is still trying to ask me to stay. I think that it’s finally hit him I am really leaving as he saw me packing up all my stuff. He has become very emotional, crying etc every day since but I can walk with my head high knowing I tried and he didn’t and it’s too late to rekindle now!

 

His reaction is very common and very confusing. But it happens a lot. I think you are making the right decision. Good for you.

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Yes, I guess so.

 

His father is staying with us too which makes it even more difficult. His father is said to me he knows his son is making a mistake and that he will regret it. His father also said how much he will miss me and was upset too.

 

It’s going to be good when I can leave and begin to move on.

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