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Hi there,

I need some advice. I am due to get married next summer and a few weeks back, my partner admitted to having dreams / thinking about an ex lover.

We’ve been together 5 years now. When we first met, he was talking to another woman for a while but basically in the end up he chose me over her. He said he never didn’t like her, it was a case of him feeling like he liked me more so chose me.

However these past few weeks he’s been dreaming of this past lover and thinking of her some times during the day.

He says he feels like he doesn’t get enjoyment out of the relationship anymore as well as thinking of this ex lover.

One day he says we should break up then the next he says he still loves me and we should get married and this has continued for weeks.

Is it time I walked away rather than stay and delay what May come in the future , or worst still we get married and this could still be a problem?

Edited by Jessdunne94
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It looks like he is telling you these things so you will break up with him.

He obviously doesnt want to be seen as the bad guy, so by telling you this you break up with him & he will be the victim.

I'm sorry this is happening, but I wouldnt want to marry a man who tells me he gets no enjoyment from being with me.

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I totally agree with you there.

He says he’s not 100% on marrying or not marrying. One day he says let’s just carry on with it and the next he says he can’t because he keeps thinking of this ex lover and he thinks that’s wrong. He says he does love me and care about me but I can’t help but think that isn’t true?

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He changes his mind every few days.

For a few days he is in the mind to break up and we sleep in separate rooms to have some thinking time then he says let’s continue and marry then the cycle continues till now. It’s been going on for about a month or so now.

He can be the nicest person but is doing this at the same time.

We can spend hours together helping each other with things, going to the beach for walks being romantic then later he will just come out and say ‘no no I can’t do this, it’s not right’ etc.

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You think there is no saving this?

He says he will tell his parents the truth.

He told his father a few weeks ago that he wasn’t sure if he still wanted to be with me so he did tell his father it was his decision but his father told him that he doesn’t want to get in the middle and choose sides.

I should add that his father lives in our company so he had to tell him something was wrong when I didn’t want to eat dinner at the table together one night as we usually do.

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He changes his mind every few days.

For a few days he is in the mind to break up and we sleep in separate rooms to have some thinking time then he says let’s continue and marry then the cycle continues till now. It’s been going on for about a month or so now.

He can be the nicest person but is doing this at the same time.

We can spend hours together helping each other with things, going to the beach for walks being romantic then later he will just come out and say ‘no no I can’t do this, it’s not right’ etc.

 

Does this sound like the kind of marriage you've always dreamed of?

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Totally get that.

I may add he had a head trauma 10 years ago so has a constant headache everyday and takes tablets for this. He does have anxiety and depression so I was just wondering maybe if this was all part of why he is so up and down. Not trying to make excuses for his behaviour at all but just wondering if there is something to salvage.

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Not at all.

He has been trying to find a way to stop the head pain the whole time we have been together.

Of course medical professionals give tablets to try to cure it so he has tried different ones but not back to back just over the years but he has not been on them the whole relationship. He has tried osteopaths, massages etc to try anything to get rid of the pain not just tablets and he has not taken them the whole time.

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When someone gives you reasons that they do not want to be with you, do listen.

 

It does sound like the relationship is essentially over and he's just waiting for you to understand that, hopefully be able to move on with your life. He doesn't want to be with you. I am so sorry.

 

This doesn't read to me like there's any other choice or say in the matter. This person is as good as gone, checked out, left the building.

 

Will canceling the engagement dishonour you or hurt you in any way/threaten your safety? Do you have a place to go? It sounds like you are living with him.

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I understand that yes.

 

It’s just he says he’s not 100% and he has said a lot of times he can’t see himself without me and that I am everything that he would want in a woman so guess I’m holding on to that - which I shouldn’t.

 

I do live abroad with him yes so I would have to fly home to my parents probably as I don’t know anyone around here. At current no there isn’t any flights home to my parents so if we did part I would probably have to stay in a hotel or something until there are flights home - which may be soon with any luck. I wouldn’t say I’m in any harm - nothing would happen to me. All his family live around here. It is obviously a huge embarrassment to cancel the wedding as all our family and guests know about it already - but obviously this is a small price to pay for future unhappiness.

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If you do not feel good about this there are very good reasons why. Many don't take heed of the warnings before marrying and end up doing it instead or finding themselves trapped. Mixed signals are no good. The bits about his ex are no good. Hot and cold behaviours or inconsistent moods, mood disorders, paranoia, doubt, changes in personality, untreated mental health issues. All these are your cue to weigh the situation a bit more carefully.

 

The most worrying part to me is in your first post where he tells you he doesn't get enjoyment out of the relationship anymore. I understand your concerns are that it's a mixed up situation with other issues in the back and foreground. You're about to start your life with someone. Although there is no one who can tell you what to do, I'd strongly urge you to reconsider the engagement. If you were my daughter I would want you to come home, not stay in this place with him. At the very least go home, be with your family, reconsider and give yourself more time and breathing room.

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As Dr. Phil says, the only thing worse than staying in the wrong relationship for 5 years is staying in it for 5 years and one day.

 

Why would you deserve a life sentence of being unsure if your spouse truly wants to be married to you?

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