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It seems every weekend I cry at some point because my father is gone and yes, he wasn’t a good parent and we had almost no relationship for almost 30 years but he was still my father . I may not have liked who he was ,what he stood for or any of his life decisions but I did love him. I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that I will never hear him or see him again. He was still a human being with a story. And that story and knowledge is forever gone. And that in itself is a tragedy.

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It seems every weekend I cry at some point because my father is gone and yes, he wasn’t a good parent and we had almost no relationship for almost 30 years but he was still my father . I may not have liked who he was ,what he stood for or any of his life decisions but I did love him. I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that I will never hear him or see him again. He was still a human being with a story. And that story and knowledge is forever gone. And that in itself is a tragedy.

 

Vic you will never get over this ....what happens is you learn to live with it . You accept that it has happened and that they are gone ....and that becomes ok to live with . My mum has been gone 6 and a half years and I had a right good cry this morning ...I still get that ..oh my God my mam and dad are actually dead , I will never ever see them here on earth so to speak again .......but the recovery is quicker now then it was 6 year ago .

 

Just let the tears come , remember what you remember , don't try and push it away , or tell yourself you should be over it .... you have a damn good cry love ...he was/is your dad and all that he was , the good , the bad and the ugly , he is still your dad and losing a parent is one hell of heartbreak .

 

I thought you had been quiet love xxxxx It is a bad time as well ..we are nearly at Christmas , we are in the middle of a pandemic and anyone's thoughts are getting a bit mashed right now , never mind when you are grieving .

 

Lots and lots and lots of love and hugs ...sorry I can't make it go away ...but I can certainly sit and have a good cry with you xxxx

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Do you think you are upset because you are realizing you will never have the father you wanted to have? I was super upset when my dad died in 1979 and I cried a lot then but I am long over that. Sure I wish he was here but he's not and I have dealt with that.

 

My mother was a shrew, she's been gone 11 yrs and I didnt cry when she died and I have not cried since, and I doubt I will. She was one nasty person and I was not upset when she died. I didnt long for what I didnt have with her. I get that this sounds harsh but only I lived my young life with her.

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I'm sorry you're hurting. I guess you don't need to understand it. It's an emotion, so express it. Although my older brother is still alive, I get how you could still feel something, since I love my brother because he's my brother, but he was very rarely a good brother to me. He was a drug addict most of his life. Abandoned his child when she was 6. Basically was a cockroach to society.

 

I guess my point is to feel good about being an empathetic person, even though certain others in your life who should be, aren't.

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I'm sorry for your hurts, ~Seraphim~. Perhaps it will take many more months and years before it becomes real and if not, it will take a lifetime for your late father's passing to finally become real to you. Or, never.

 

In the meantime, I hope you fill your days with healthy distractions so you won't have time, energy and brain space to mourn, dwell and ruminate over your loss as much as you do.

 

Take good care of yourself. Hang in there.

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Hey Seraphim. I am very sorry that you are hurting. Grief is a very personal journey. Whatever you are feeling is valid. And it's still fresh. Imo, you need to take your time without worrying about how long it takes.

 

Some scattered thoughts that may or may not help. Imo, one' s story is not lost as long as there are still people around who loved them and remember them. Your father's story is not gone for as long as you live. Based on what you shared, he lived a long life, he got to have children and grandchildren and when he left this world, he had at least one person who loved him and will remember him (you). His death was the end of his physical suffering and a form of rest following a full life cycle.

 

I am not sure what your relationship is with your religion. Mine is admittedly a loose one, but I believe in its dogma of there being an afterlife, which to me it means that I will get to meet again the loved one's that I lost. That's how I deal with not being able to hear them or see them. And I still talk to them when I need to. Whenever I visit an empty church I light a candle for them and I have done so in many different countries. That's my personal ritual of still keeping them with me and I am sure other people, regardless of which religion they belong to, have come up with their own personal rituals.

 

Your father sounded like a "difficult" person yet he still got to have a child who loved him and will remember him. I would say that part of his story is still very much alive and far from tragedy. I hope that what I wrote doesn't come across as rationalisation. It was an attempt to share my coping thoughts mechanism. Whatever you feel is valid. Take your time. Hugs.

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Vic you will never get over this ....what happens is you learn to live with it . You accept that it has happened and that they are gone ....and that becomes ok to live with . My mum has been gone 6 and a half years and I had a right good cry this morning ...I still get that ..oh my God my mam and dad are actually dead , I will never ever see them here on earth so to speak again .......but the recovery is quicker now then it was 6 year ago .

 

Just let the tears come , remember what you remember , don't try and push it away , or tell yourself you should be over it .... you have a damn good cry love ...he was/is your dad and all that he was , the good , the bad and the ugly , he is still your dad and losing a parent is one hell of heartbreak .

 

I thought you had been quiet love xxxxx It is a bad time as well ..we are nearly at Christmas , we are in the middle of a pandemic and anyone's thoughts are getting a bit mashed right now , never mind when you are grieving .

 

Lots and lots and lots of love and hugs ...sorry I can't make it go away ...but I can certainly sit and have a good cry with you xxxx

 

I remember when your mam died. Hugs

 

You have such a loving gift of knowing how to comfort. You are right I shouldn’t hold back tears he was my father whatever else he was.

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Do you think you are upset because you are realizing you will never have the father you wanted to have? I was super upset when my dad died in 1979 and I cried a lot then but I am long over that. Sure I wish he was here but he's not and I have dealt with that.

 

My mother was a shrew, she's been gone 11 yrs and I didnt cry when she died and I have not cried since, and I doubt I will. She was one nasty person and I was not upset when she died. I didnt long for what I didnt have with her. I get that this sounds harsh but only I lived my young life with her.

If it makes sense I have known I was a mostly fatherless daughter for 53 year and yes for a lot of them I was angry and lost about it. But a while ago I made peace with that because his mental illness and upbringing precluded the fact that he could’ve been a good father. I knew he loved us on some level but nothing he could translate into anything normal. But I made peace with that a while ago.

 

It is HIM I miss. The essence of what was him. His dark humour that hid his pain . We shared the same humour at times. His sarcasm which I found hilarious at times. The pieces of his personality.

 

Maybe it is that he gave up. I know why he did and it was his choice. And that is so uncharted territory of course. It is so fresh and new not to have a father.

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I'm sorry you're hurting. I guess you don't need to understand it. It's an emotion, so express it. Although my older brother is still alive, I get how you could still feel something, since I love my brother because he's my brother, but he was very rarely a good brother to me. He was a drug addict most of his life. Abandoned his child when she was 6. Basically was a cockroach to society.

 

I guess my point is to feel good about being an empathetic person, even though certain others in your life who should be, aren't.

 

I guess you are right emotions ,just are. We don’t always have to understand them.

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I'm sorry for your hurts, ~Seraphim~. Perhaps it will take many more months and years before it becomes real and if not, it will take a lifetime for your late father's passing to finally become real to you. Or, never.

 

In the meantime, I hope you fill your days with healthy distractions so you won't have time, energy and brain space to mourn, dwell and ruminate over your loss as much as you do.

 

Take good care of yourself. Hang in there.

That is the thing it’s only really the weekends I have a chance to wind down on any level and that’s when it comes to mind.

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Hey Seraphim. I am very sorry that you are hurting. Grief is a very personal journey. Whatever you are feeling is valid. And it's still fresh. Imo, you need to take your time without worrying about how long it takes.

 

Some scattered thoughts that may or may not help. Imo, one' s story is not lost as long as there are still people around who loved them and remember them. Your father's story is not gone for as long as you live. Based on what you shared, he lived a long life, he got to have children and grandchildren and when he left this world, he had at least one person who loved him and will remember him (you). His death was the end of his physical suffering and a form of rest following a full life cycle.

 

I am not sure what your relationship is with your religion. Mine is admittedly a loose one, but I believe in its dogma of there being an afterlife, which to me it means that I will get to meet again the loved one's that I lost. That's how I deal with not being able to hear them or see them. And I still talk to them when I need to. Whenever I visit an empty church I light a candle for them and I have done so in many different countries. That's my personal ritual of still keeping them with me and I am sure other people, regardless of which religion they belong to, have come up with their own personal rituals.

 

Your father sounded like a "difficult" person yet he still got to have a child who loved him and will remember him. I would say that part of his story is still very much alive and far from tragedy. I hope that what I wrote doesn't come across as rationalisation. It was an attempt to share my coping thoughts mechanism. Whatever you feel is valid. Take your time. Hugs.

 

Well ,not a really long time he passed away at 74 as he was 21 when I was born. He was five days away from being 75 when he passed.

 

I have a strong connection with my religion and unfortunately that tells me he won’t be going to a good place but I can only hope that God has forgiven him knowing his mental illness and suffering. Today is actually a Mass being said for him that I paid for.

 

But you are right his story is alive with me in parts. I am like him in little ways. And he is alive in his sisters and my son, his only grandchild who knew much about him.

 

And I guess the length of time of mourning doesn’t matter.

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Well ,not a really long time he passed away at 74 as he was 21 when I was born. He was five days away from being 75 when he passed.

 

I have a strong connection with my religion and unfortunately that tells me he won’t be going to a good place but I can only hope that God has forgiven him knowing his mental illness and suffering. Today is actually a Mass being said for him that I paid for.

 

But you are right his story is alive with me in parts. I am like him in little ways. And he is alive in his sisters and my son, his only grandchild who knew much about him.

 

And I guess the length of time of mourning doesn’t matter.

 

Oh vic I didn't know that was on your mind . I know your religion so I am hopefully going to say the next bit as respectfully as I can .

 

Lets break it down to me and you .... You have never dismissed my spiritual musings , my private messages to you on other social media , you have never turned away from me when talking about things that don't necessarily fit with your religion . On many different levels actually . So having said that , do you think God would turn your father away ? The God we love ( yes in different settings but tomatoe tomato ) He knows your dad was absolutely riddled with a severe mental illness ? God opened his arms and took one of his children and said your mind is now free ...........I am so sure of this vic . I can't make you promises lol who do I think I am ...... but I believe in what I just said .

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Oh vic I didn't know that was on your mind . I know your religion so I am hopefully going to say the next bit as respectfully as I can .

 

Lets break it down to me and you .... You have never dismissed my spiritual musings , my private messages to you on other social media , you have never turned away from me when talking about things that don't necessarily fit with your religion . On many different levels actually . So having said that , do you think God would turn your father away ? The God we love ( yes in different settings but tomatoe tomato ) He knows your dad was absolutely riddled with a severe mental illness ? God opened his arms and took one of his children and said your mind is now free ...........I am so sure of this vic . I can't make you promises lol who do I think I am ...... but I believe in what I just said .

I totally get where you are with that and felt some thing of it yesterday. Like he came to visit me and to say he was OK. ❤️

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Many hugs to you. I wasn't close to my father but loved and respected him especially starting in my 30s. He died 4 years ago after a bout with alzheimers. So hard on my mother. I agree with you that it's conflicting and to be honest I remember a few days after he died an old friend left a message on my voicemail about how I "must" be grieving so much ,etc etc. But I wasn't. She lost her father way too young and loved him so much so i get it but I was honest with her -thanked her for her intentions and told her I simply didn't feel that way at that time.

 

I hope you are feeling more at peace today.

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It is HIM I miss. The essence of what was him. His dark humour that hid his pain . We shared the same humour at times. His sarcasm which I found hilarious at times. The pieces of his personality.

 

Maybe that is part of it. It's tragic that you could have gotten along so well together, and that his decisions took that from you. Then his death made it an absolute. I can see how that realization would be devastating, even if you've come to terms with everything that has happened. It's like discovering another way in which you've been robbed. Another loss :(

 

This is what makes me think that:

 

If it makes sense I have known I was a mostly fatherless daughter for 53 year and yes for a lot of them I was angry and lost about it. But a while ago I made peace with that because his mental illness and upbringing precluded the fact that he could’ve been a good father. I knew he loved us on some level but nothing he could translate into anything normal. But I made peace with that a while ago.

 

Being a fatherless daughter helped me a lot with my dad's death, because in a lot of ways, nothing changed. BUT my father did not abuse us. He just vanished out of our lives and became a deadbeat dad.

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Maybe that is part of it. It's tragic that you could have gotten along so well together, and that his decisions took that from you. Then his death made it an absolute. I can see how that realization would be devastating, even if you've come to terms with everything that has happened. It's like discovering another way in which you've been robbed. Another loss :(

 

Jibs makes perfect sense

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That is the thing it’s only really the weekends I have a chance to wind down on any level and that’s when it comes to mind.

 

It's weekends for you. For me, it's random times during the year depending on the weather and especially during the holiday season. My late father died the day after Thanksgiving (3rd week of November) so holidays from Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's is filled with very painful memories.

 

My alcoholic, wife beater late father punched my mother's teeth out several times during their hellacious marriage.

 

My sister feels nostalgic regarding my late father. Often times, I need to remind her of what he did to my dear mother. Then she gets reeled back into a harsh reality check and any fond memories that she once had about him is immediately decimated ~ out of respect my mother and her years of undue pain and suffering.

 

My late father was the life of the party, very outgoing, everyone laughed at his wit, he was incredibly charming, very talented artistically, had calligraphy penmanship which belonged on 'The Declaration of Independence' and had his good moments. So what? It's the rest of him which was a living nightmare. He never held a stable job, he drank like a fish, we didn't have medical insurance, we struggled financially ALL THE TIME, heavily in debt and we lived a hand-to-mouth existence. My house was in shambles because we couldn't afford anything. I was too embarrassed to invite friends into my house. I didn't want to reveal how I lived. I felt ashamed and humiliated. Life was hard.

 

He was gone one day when I was 8 years old. He just left while I was at school. There was nary an explanation nor child support whatsoever. He simply disappeared and my mother worked 3 jobs 7 days a week to support 3 children.

 

I'm not the type of person who appreciates the good in anyone if their bad characteristic traits overwhelm any good in them. That's when it gets very real for me. If their life ended, I figure, they've lived it how they saw fit. It was their choice along the way and once they're gone, it was life from long ago. It's time to realistically live day to day and in the present. I don't live in the past. It's over.

 

What gets real for me is gratitude. I appreciate the little and big things in life nowadays. What also helps is to become super busy, productive and industrious. (I limit the Internet as it becomes a huge time trap.) Then I'm too exhausted to care. I fill my life with what brings me utmost joy.

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Many hugs to you. I wasn't close to my father but loved and respected him especially starting in my 30s. He died 4 years ago after a bout with alzheimers. So hard on my mother. I agree with you that it's conflicting and to be honest I remember a few days after he died an old friend left a message on my voicemail about how I "must" be grieving so much ,etc etc. But I wasn't. She lost her father way too young and loved him so much so i get it but I was honest with her -thanked her for her intentions and told her I simply didn't feel that way at that time.

 

I hope you are feeling more at peace today.

Thanks ....

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Maybe that is part of it. It's tragic that you could have gotten along so well together, and that his decisions took that from you. Then his death made it an absolute. I can see how that realization would be devastating, even if you've come to terms with everything that has happened. It's like discovering another way in which you've been robbed. Another loss :(

 

This is what makes me think that:

 

 

 

Being a fatherless daughter helped me a lot with my dad's death, because in a lot of ways, nothing changed. BUT my father did not abuse us. He just vanished out of our lives and became a deadbeat dad.

 

I am not sure yet if I feel robbed but that could be it. I know I definitely felt robbed of a dad before.

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It's weekends for you. For me, it's random times during the year depending on the weather and especially during the holiday season. My late father died the day after Thanksgiving (3rd week of November) so holidays from Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's is filled with very painful memories.

 

My alcoholic, wife beater late father punched my mother's teeth out several times during their hellacious marriage.

 

My sister feels nostalgic regarding my late father. Often times, I need to remind her of what he did to my dear mother. Then she gets reeled back into a harsh reality check and any fond memories that she once had about him is immediately decimated ~ out of respect my mother and her years of undue pain and suffering.

 

My late father was the life of the party, very outgoing, everyone laughed at his wit, he was incredibly charming, very talented artistically, had calligraphy penmanship which belonged on 'The Declaration of Independence' and had his good moments. So what? It's the rest of him which was a living nightmare. He never held a stable job, he drank like a fish, we didn't have medical insurance, we struggled financially ALL THE TIME, heavily in debt and we lived a hand-to-mouth existence. My house was in shambles because we couldn't afford anything. I was too embarrassed to invite friends into my house. I didn't want to reveal how I lived. I felt ashamed and humiliated. Life was hard.

 

He was gone one day when I was 8 years old. He just left while I was at school. There was nary an explanation nor child support whatsoever. He simply disappeared and my mother worked 3 jobs 7 days a week to support 3 children.

 

I'm not the type of person who appreciates the good in anyone if their bad characteristic traits overwhelm any good in them. That's when it gets very real for me. If their life ended, I figure, they've lived it how they saw fit. It was their choice along the way and once they're gone, it was life from long ago. It's time to realistically live day to day and in the present. I don't live in the past. It's over.

 

What gets real for me is gratitude. I appreciate the little and big things in life nowadays. What also helps is to become super busy, productive and industrious. (I limit the Internet as it becomes a huge time trap.) Then I'm too exhausted to care. I fill my life with what brings me utmost joy.

I am sorry you had to suffer that.

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