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What do I do? It's been a rollercoaster.


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So this is an odd one. I'm a 25 year old male. I met Elizabeth (24 y/o female) about 4 months ago. We had known each other in the past, but never really talked. We started talking. We began seeing each other and we took off like wildfire. It almost was like we moved to fast. Up until about three weeks ago it was us together everyday when we were off work, or even it would be just me going over to her house to spend the night after I got off of work. Through the duration of the relationship Elizabeth was rather emotional. She went through a lot this year (loss of a father, and other emotional issues that she has yet to accept.)

 

Anyhow, out of the blue a couple weeks back she just told me she wasn't ready to be in a relationship with me because she was overwhelmed. She told me her emotions weere going to be highstrung and that she didn't think it was fair. Also that we moved to fast etc. I understood that because I felt the same. I asked if she wanted to get together and talk about everything, and she told me "no, because we will end up back together." So then for the next week I would try to stop talking to her and she would message me repeatedly, at times "accidentally," sending me stuff. Every time we would get to talking it would end up turning into an argument over everything. I would get told stuff like, "I miss you," "I second guess myself everyday," etc. Then I would say lets get together and we would just argue. It got to the point where I deleted her on every form of communication, and she knew so. But then she started to text me just random stuff. Then she had me re add her back on these communication means.

 

A few days ago we ran into each other at a bar. She invited me by her and her friends, I declined. She then bought me a drink. She then messaged me and told me she missed me, and that she was stressed and overwhelmed with life right now and did not remember much of the last few weeks. At one point she said something about wanting to be with me, but not being able to do it because she's not ready and it wouldn't be fair to me. I kind of got sick of the messages so I left. Then my phone was blown up with messages to comeback, she wanted to talk, etc. I told her to come outside. SO she came outside and we talked in her car. We ended up going back to my house and sleeping together. That night she told me she missed me multiple times. Come morning I was told that this was the best she had slept in a while (implying since we broke up) and then we also kissed before she left.

 

Now we kind of are talking but not really. it's just kind of odd. I don't know what to do here? DO I wait? Do I leave? I have tried talking to her about everything multiple times and she just gets mad and said she doesn't want to talk about it.

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This has to suck giant monkey butt. This kind of push pull thing can wear anyone out and I know how you feel.

 

My advice would be to send her a message telling her that you really want to be with her but all this up and down in and out stuff is not healthy and you cannot continue seeing her. Tell her when she figures out what she wants and if that is a real committed relationship to let you know but until then please stop contacting you. Make sure she understands you will not be waiting for her and if you are still single when she figures herself out MAYBE you two can try again.

 

So far you have zero control and are just reacting to random and irrational behavior. Time to get some control back of your life and go NC.

 

It might be hard but I think you know you cannot continue down this path.

 

Lost

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Well, you're allowing yourself to be a damn yo-yo. Yes, learn from your mistakes that at the beginning you should stick to a few times a week getting together. It doesn't mean this particular relationship would've worked anyway.

 

If a person doesn't feel 100 percent confident in continuing with you, the best thing you should do is stay no contact. If she'd actually cared and saw real problems, she would've addressed the problems and worked on them with you to get to a good place.

 

You can see the pattern of her being wishy-washy and treating you like a yo-yo. Utilize your self-care here, and refuse to be her toy.

 

Go no contact and stay that way. Be free for someone who is crazy about you and won't ever let you go--not even once.

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This has to suck giant monkey butt. This kind of push pull thing can wear anyone out and I know how you feel.

 

My advice would be to send her a message telling her that you really want to be with her but all this up and down in and out stuff is not healthy and you cannot continue seeing her. Tell her when she figures out what she wants and if that is a real committed relationship to let you know but until then please stop contacting you. Make sure she understands you will not be waiting for her and if you are still single when she figures herself out MAYBE you two can try again.

 

So far you have zero control and are just reacting to random and irrational behavior. Time to get some control back of your life and go NC.

 

It might be hard but I think you know you cannot continue down this path.

 

Lost

 

Everything Lost has said is perfect... it's simply having boundaries for yourself on what you can and cannot accept.

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Every day is quite a lot to be seeing someone. Slow it down a lot more. It seems you played a role in the yo-yo effect. I don't think you need to block or delete her or ignore her but you can stop responding to her messages or mixed signals, let's say, at odd hours of the night or past an inappropriate hour. If the messages have a tone of desperation or if she's drunk or whatever, leave it for a few days and then respond later.

 

It doesn't have to be so melodramatic. Both of you were seeing each other for only four months and she lost a family member. Cut both of yourselves some slack. If you feel there's too much frustration, reflect a little about the whole situation and see what you can do to find a middle ground.

 

Eventually things will start to stabilize for her, as they do for most people after a major loss.

 

Keep things lighthearted between the both of you. This means no heavy conversations about where the relationship is going or what you both want.

 

If you're looking for something far more serious and committed, this isn't the right person. She's already told you that.

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Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately she not ready willing or able to be in a place to date right now. She seems to care, but is just to all over the place right now.

She went through a lot this year (loss of a father, and other emotional issues that she has yet to accept.)
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My firm belief is that someone who is truly genuinely into you will never jerk you around or risk losing you by breaking up with you. In short, the first break up is the last one for me.

 

Everyone has issues to deal with in life. That's not an excuse for the break up/make up, on/off madness. Healthy people are capable of working through those issues with their partner by their side. On top of that, life is constantly full or challenges, so hoping that once her issues are resolved, you can be good again is an exercise in futility. She is showing you right now that she doesn't handle adversity well and so, even if you were to get back together, another break up will be just around the corner. You do not want to live with that kind of constant stress - always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

 

Learn to have some healthy boundaries and enforce them. If something is going too fast, step on those brakes. If someone is jerking you around, learn how to say no to that and mean it. Have enough self respect to walk away from a person who dumped you and then wants to jerk you around. Nobody can string you along or jerk you around without your explicit permission. Keep that in mind.

 

If I were you, next time she contacts you, I'd sent her a clear and firm message - "I've enjoyed getting to know and would like to continue. However, it's obvious that you are not in a good place for that. So if that changes and you are serious about getting back together, feel free to contact me and we can talk about it then. Until that point, please don't contact me anymore. Wish you well and hope you overcome your challenges." If she tries to jerk you around more after that, I'd just lose her number forever. Always keep your self respect and your dignity.

 

Keep in mind also, that when you act like a doormat she can jerk around, she will lose all respect for you and once a woman loses respect for you, it's game over. You can't get it back and you will never have a relationship with her that you want.

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Thanks for the help everyone. I agree with what you all have said. I still firmly believe she is a good person. She just isn't in the right place to date anyone. As she has told me that. I tried the message about me waiting around and it didn't go all to well. She gets mad whenever I bring that stuff up. I think I will just distance myself. While I was with her she showed me signs of depression throughout everything and oftentimes I would spend the night comforting her. I think she just needs time to herself to find out what life is like post everything that happened to her before she can have a life with someone else.

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Trimper... to put it very simply, she is just not that into you. That doesn't make her a bad person, but.... not someone you should be pursuing or waiting around for. She gets mad when you tell her you'll wait around because.....she knows she isn't that into you and you can't seem to take that hint and find enough self respect to cut her off.

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Thanks for the help everyone. I agree with what you all have said. I still firmly believe she is a good person. She just isn't in the right place to date anyone. As she has told me that. I tried the message about me waiting around and it didn't go all to well. She gets mad whenever I bring that stuff up. I think I will just distance myself. While I was with her she showed me signs of depression throughout everything and oftentimes I would spend the night comforting her. I think she just needs time to herself to find out what life is like post everything that happened to her before she can have a life with someone else.

 

So she's allowed to "get mad" but you're not allowed to express your feelings?

 

How does 30 years of this dynamic sound to you?

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Thanks for the help everyone. I agree with what you all have said. I still firmly believe she is a good person. She just isn't in the right place to date anyone. As she has told me that. I tried the message about me waiting around and it didn't go all to well. She gets mad whenever I bring that stuff up. I think I will just distance myself. While I was with her she showed me signs of depression throughout everything and oftentimes I would spend the night comforting her. I think she just needs time to herself to find out what life is like post everything that happened to her before she can have a life with someone else.

 

Of course. That's a very healthy mindset. Yes, do distance yourself. Enjoy hobbies and enjoy being with people who reciprocate with you on other levels.

 

It's important that you draw the line and put some distance between the chaos of someone else's life and your own life. There's no reason not to be a friend unless your feelings are too overwhelming or strong for her. She's not in that place right now.

 

You'll feel much better once you stop depending on her to fill a role she can't fill at the moment. Take care.

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She sounds like she is having all these internal wars with herself and you are caught in the crossfire. Good for you for removing yourself from her sights.

 

Along the lines with all her other issues, it's really selfish of her to continue to give you mixed messages.

 

Keep moving forward and don't look back.

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Was she close to her father? Death of a parent can be very hard on a person. Maybe she let you in when she needed you around time of his passing, but is now able to move on without you.

I would hardcore exit her life and if she comes back in better mental health, re-visit at that time.

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Too the questions...

 

As to her and her father being close they were extremely close. His passing happened about 5 months before I met Elizabeth.

 

And as to her towards me no one saw it comimg. Even her friends said it was random out of the blue. She talked about me as if I was the greatest guy on earth. But honestly I saw her emotions slowly building to this.

 

She slowly became more emotional (never towards me, just periods of depression). I firmly just believe she isn't in a dating mindset.

 

I told her today I'll always be here for her because of how much counsel I was to her. But other then that I'm going to go on with my life. If we cross path in time I would love to see if we have a spark, but for a relationship to ever last I feel she needs to fix her own emotions first. I plan on staying respectful to her and being here when she needs my emotional support but not pursuing her.

 

Thanks for the help everyone.

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If we're being realistic about emotional support, you both may need a break from each other. The lines often get blurred when there isn't enough time to breathe or heal. What I was meaning about being a friend was keeping things lighthearted and not emotionally draining. This might mean light conversations about how things are and sending her good wishes like Happy Thanksgiving or Happy New Year etc. I didn't mean to suggest that you slip into a therapist role.

 

Your energies and time and healing should go to yourself and eventually you should be sharing your life with someone special who can reciprocate that if you want that sort of commitment or relationship.

 

The reason why I wanted to point this out is I've been on both ends of the situation... the person needing the emotional help or advice from a good friend and draining that person and I've also been on the giving end of trying to help someone I still cared about quite a lot and feeling quite drained emotionally. There needs to be some boundaries there if you can hack it. Good luck with this and keep writing here if it helps.

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I told her today I'll always be here for her because of how much counsel I was to her. I plan on staying respectful to her and being here when she needs my emotional support

 

I hope not. A future potential partner won't accept you giving "emotional support" to an ex. Never use the word "always" in these cases, because it's just not realistic. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. She dumped you once and she'll do it again just as easily when the second round of sparks fizzles out. You're grasping for straws, excusing her behavior. Don't put yourself on ice, waiting for her to be in a dating mindset. When she's ready, it will likely be with someone else. That's what I've seen in my lifetime experience.

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I told her today I'll always be here for her because of how much counsel I was to her.

 

Why reduce yourself to be someone's emotional tampon?

 

Who does that help, exactly?

 

She's a grown woman and perfectly capable of hiring a therapist if she needs one. Question your own motives and make a better choice for yourself. She'll be fine.

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Trimper,

 

I totally agree with Catfeeder. You cannot be her therapist or shoulder to cry on. There is no upside for you to be in this position. I can see you want to be a good guy and you still have feelings for her but you need to go total NC today.

 

If deep down you hope this good guy being there for her routine will increase your chances of a relationship with her you are mistaken.

 

She needs to handle her own life without you there. If you want her to miss you then disappear. If you want her to wonder what you have been up to then disappear. If you want her to grow and conquer her own issues then disappear.

 

You are doing her nor yourself any favors by being her crutch. Also say you meet some new woman that has her stuff together and your ex is still around as your project. How long do you think this new woman is going to stick around when you still have an ex in your life?

 

Do yourself a huge favor and cut the cord today. It may sting at first but in the long run it is best for both of you.

 

Lost

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Just wang to give everyone an update...

 

I deleted her on everything. A few days after the split she was spending time with someone new. That kind of hurt me because I know this person was pursuing her when we were together but she didn't give him the time of day and would show me when he would message her.

 

Her friends have told me this new person is just because she's emotionally unstable and unavailable, ans she just is doing this because she feels empty and that falsely makes her feel better so she can run from her issues. I kind of understand that.

 

I also ran into her the other night. We are both from the same small town. Initially I avoided her but she initiated contact and began speaking with me. Well, we ended up sleeping together. I held steady until she told me she missed me etc. The next morning she left kissed me, gave me a hug, and said that was the best she slept since we broke up. After we started talking again. Shortly later I ended up deleting her off of everything again because I was sick of the rollercoaster.

 

A few days later we once again bumped into each other. It ended up in an argument. The next day she called me and asked for me to come over. I came over, we slept together, and then got lunch. Later that evening she invited me back over again... We slept together again and then she cried infront of me for about an hour about stuff she is stressed about. She told me just being with me brought her peace and made her feel happy.

 

I still have her deleted off of all of my social media, blocked on Snapchat, and I don't have her number saved in my phone. If she texts or calls I delete the number. I have yet to block her number. It's tough to do. I also dread going out in our town because I'm afraid of running into her with the new guy she's seeing. She tells me she's not seeing anyone... Just talking to him but it still kind of hurts.

 

She still also texts me multiple times a day. I won't reply, but then i'll get an additional message. Kind of why I think I need to just block her number. In the last week I have been told she missed me multiple times, and that she misses what we had. The other night she even told me that she runs from anything good in her life. Yet she told me she don't think a relationship will work. I also found out she had battled depression and anxiety throughout her life and she currently refuses medication and does not go to counseling.

 

I have come terms with her being in this state as someone I wouldn't want to try to build a future with. Yet I just am still struggling with not seeing her, having daily phone calls, and just having someone I could have in my life in a relationship type companionship. When things were good they were amazing. But when the emotional rollercoaster came it was hell.

 

Every day gets better, and I'm on the uphill. It just feels good getting this off of my chest here.

 

Thanks everyone.

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Good news is, you have all the power to end this. All you have to do is block her number and quit sleeping with her every time she wants you to.

 

Yes, it is that easy. No, the emotions won't disappear immediately. But emotions follow actions. If you act as your own best friend instead of your own worst enemy, you will feel better sooner than you think.

 

And stop gossiping about her with her friends! It hurts you, plus they run to her with every word you say. Again, don't be your own worst enemy.

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  • 2 weeks later...

A little update...

 

I broke. Once again I had here blocked and deleted on everything, except her phone number which I had unsaved in my phone. She called and I answered. She went onto a tangent on how much she missed me and wanted to see me again... Me being dumb went and hungout with her. We spent the day together. We just hungout, went and got dinner, went shopping, and just spent time together. I broke and we got back into the calling daily routine. I added her back on all forms of social media. Then we hungout again and she went into full blow breakdown on how she regretted breaking up, and how she missed me everyday, etc. We hungout again after that and it was another fun night.

 

I feel like I am setting myself up to being hurt. I dont know why I did this. The whole time I felt guilty doing it, but it also felt so good like things would work out. 

Edited by Trimper
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You don't want to break up, so why play block and delete games?

You dumped her when she was confused, grieving and "depressed", but continued to hookup at your convenience.

Make up your mind. Stop using "get your ex back" tricks.

Either you want to be with her..or not. If you do, you'll have to deal with ranges of emotions ( grief, etc.) in more mature ways than delete/block games.

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On 12/9/2020 at 4:46 PM, Trimper said:

I dont know why I did this. 

You obviously like the rollercoaster. Your first post was on November 20, and within the first 6 days you got off the rollercoaster and on the rollercoaster twice. Two weeks later and you're still doing it. It seems to define you, somehow.

On 12/9/2020 at 4:46 PM, Trimper said:

The whole time I felt guilty doing it, but it also felt so good like things would work out. 

It's interesting that you feel guilty about it. I wonder why that is?

Edited by Jibralta
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I mean, if you love a drama relationship, own it!  Nothing wrong with wanting the exciting highs and devastating lows if that's what gets you going.

But then, it makes no sense to complain about it.

Edited by boltnrun
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