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Is there any point doing online dating?


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Has anyone here got any real relationships from online dating or knows people that have? I've been giving online dating more of a chance and putting more effort in this year because I'm 35 years old and want kids and marriage. I'm using a few dating sites and even a couple of paid ones. I do get quite a few messages and get dates but I'm just feeling like online dating isn't the best to actually find a serious relationship.

 

I guess I don't actually have good experience of online dating myself. I've been using OLD for about 17 years (since I was 18) on and off and I've never actually had a relationship from it. I've only had a little bit of casual stuff and even then, not much. I'm a fairly attractive woman and I have a very bubbly and friendly personality, a welfare job and have my own place and a car. It's not so much that I have zero interest on online dating but it's just I keep/kept going on all these dates from online and because the connection didn't happen naturally, there's just nothing there. I've had a few long term relationships but they were all with people I met in real life.

 

I'm just starting to feel a bit tired because I go on dates which end up being anywhere from two to a few hours long. I'm actually not frustrated that nothing comes of it, but more so feeling emotionally drained. I'm not sure if it may be better to just delete all the dating sites and try to put more effort into meeting people through real life groups and events. Though one of my best friends found her husband on online dating and they've been together for twelve years and have two kids. My other best friend has also been dating someone she's really into for five months that she met online. But before that she did go on dates with about fifty guys. In general I don't know that many people who found something serious on online dating.

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I have two friends who found the loves of their lives on eharmony. I think the more you pay for a site, the more likely to get quality dates.

 

Well you're not wrong in that eharmony is pretty expensive lol I do have a paid account there which I paid for two years upfront. So I guess I may as well use it lol

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Tiny. For me at any rate the answer to your lead question would be "no". Besides, it sounds totally exhausting!

 

However there are many who extol the wonders of OLD, and as always there will be exceptions that confirm the rule.

 

As you remark:

 

"I've had a few long term relationships but they were all with people I met in real life."

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Has anyone here got any real relationships from online dating or knows people that have?

 

I'm coming up on two years with my girlfriend, who I met through a mutual rightward swipe—a connection more real than I've known possible. My last long relationship owes its inception to a dating app as well, though I kind of see that one as a cautionary tale of the apps as much as a success story. But it was certainly real, and I'm grateful for the shared space, the growth, all that.

 

This is a hard, hard time, Tiny. Dating, at the best times, can be a bit hard, draining, emotionally exhausting, which is to say I can't help but think you might just need a moment to press pause. Personally, I had the best times with dating when I genuinely didn't care what came of it. I very much wanted partnership when I met my now-girlfriend for a glass of wine—think I wanted family too, like you, but wasn't quite ready to admit that to myself—but had it been a meh hour or two? That would have been just fine, as I'd done that plenty. When it felt less than fine, I pressed pause.

 

Just my few cents. Hang in there.

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It’s all about perception.

The above poster perceived that you had a few long term relationships from people you met in real life.

And thereby insinuating that , real life is the way to go.

 

However , define a successful relationship?

Your end goal currently is to have a relationship that leads to marriage and kids.

Because your real life relationships didn’t result in that , does that mean they were unsuccessful relationships or that your goal back then wasn’t what it is now?

 

You have been online dating for 17 years. Why?

What were you looking for as an 18 year old in 2003? Marriage and kids?

I somehow doubt that? Maybe I’m wrong?

But really were you looking for a serious relationship at 18? And at a time when online dating wasn’t that popular?

Most people didn’t have easy access to Internet in 2003?

No smart phones back then?

So what was the reason as an 18 yr old with limited access to Internet drew you to online dating??

 

I have had a few long term relationships from online meets.

And a few from real life meets.

Were any of them successful?

Well again that’s all about perception.

And end goals?

 

Online dating should only be supplementary.

If you are spending a lot of time on these sites over real life interaction , meaning meeting with friends, enjoying hobbies etc then it’s dooned to fail.

Because basically you become someone that’s not interesting to others.

You mentioned you are putting in more effort into online dating , which suggests less effort into life in general.

 

It should be something to do when you have nothing else to do!?!

 

Also , meeting someone online is not really that much different to meeting someone offline.

The first meet is simply that whether offline or online.

The second meet is a first date.

After that , it’s irrelevant how you met.

 

But people dwell too much about what others put on their OLD profile. And assume it to be true.

 

Do you believe your profile is accurate? Did you actually put on there that your ultimate goal is marriage and kids ?

That won’t scare a guy whose bed goal is the same? It will deter the guys not wanting the same.

 

And thereby reducing the amount of contact you get but in a good and productive way.

 

What you need to realise is that OLD allows you to talk to numerous people in a short amount of time.

If there was no OLD , how long would it take you to actually bump into that amount of people to have a chit chat with in real life?

The rejection rate is super high. But that’s just a reflection on the amount of people you chat to.

 

How many dates (encounters) have you been on over 17 years via OLD versus real life?

 

Basically what I’m trying to say is be present online but only supplementary.

You really shouldn’t spend more than 30 mins per day online.

 

Be more interesting than that and don’t have the free time to put in more effort into it.

 

Good luck!!!

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I have. I treat it like any other venue, really. As I'm aging though I'm finding my interests fairly specific and most of them are not found on online dating. As many will attest, it's a lot of screening and rifling through plenty of profiles. At this moment I'd really prefer more to make a B line for my interests in general and happen to meet people who are also doing the same thing.

 

There is more than one way to get to the destination. If this isn't working for you, give it a rest. It doesn't mean it's all you or you're the problem. Now might not be the right time. Try something else.

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There is no such thing as online dating - it's nothing more than just another avenue for getting introduced to people you might want to date.

 

No different really than meeting a guy at an event and deciding to meet up for a coffee or happy hour another day. Only difference is that online, you see the person's interests, hobbies, etc but you have no idea if you'll have any real life chemistry in person, so it can be a slog. You get excited about meeting a person you have a lot in common with, but then, no chemistry and it's disappointing.

 

That said, if you have realistic expectations, don't waste a lot of time chatting online and developing fantasies about that person and instead quickly meet them for a coffee and a chat to see IF there is that real life click, it can be a good way to meet the right person. Certainly has worked for me. Only thing I'd say is that I stuck with more reputable paid sites.

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Tiny,

 

I hear you completely. I am fairly successful doing OLD but I felt like I was getting nowhere. I took a break for 2 years and tried to meet women in real life.

 

Guess what? Times have changed in real life. So many people are not looking up from their phones and they miss what is going on around them. I felt like the single women (my assumption) that I did try and chat up were so used to OLD they had lost some of the ability to meet in real life without some sort of premise or earlier introduction. I am friendly, okay looking and have no problem talking to anyone but it was a lot harder than it used to be. Maybe it was me...

 

Before the pandemic hit I was thinking I would unhide my profiles but instead of just concentrating on OLD I would do both IRL and OLD. I was thinking it would be a lot healthier and increase my chances. Of course my plan has been put on hold until life gets back to some sense of normalcy. What do you think of trying that idea or have you already tried it?

 

When we are young everything is wide open in front of us but as life goes along the path narrows, not sure why but I know it does.

 

I do know several people that met online and even more that met because their buddy or gf met someone online and then all the combined friends would hang out and then new relationships would form from there. Usually younger people though.

 

There is someone out there for for you and I think once the pandemic has subsided there will be a wave of people that will be more serious about finding and being in a real relationship.

 

Lost

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Hi Tiny

 

I've been thinking exactly the same thing. I too am 35, and I just find the whole thing exhausting. I've sent out many messages to women, always trying to personalise it after reading their profile....and 99% of the time the messages have been ignored. I get it....it's easier to just ignore when you aren't interested. I read somewhere that to do OLD you have to have good self esteem, (which I haven't) so I figure its not the best place for me, although to be fair my self confidence is getting better.

 

I find OLD just incredibly shallow....we all tend to judge on a photo.

 

2021 I'm determined to get out there and meet people, through socialising with friends etc and see if it leads somewhere.

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Several - actually, many. A number who have kids now. But I know it sounds like semantics but one of the keys is not to date online. Only to use the dating sites as a way to meet someone in person ASAP. I had no LTR through dating sites but met some really good people and had a few short term relationships. I used dating sites for about 5 years or so until I was in my late 30s (before that, written personal ads). My husband was on dating sites in between the two times we dated and he's an awesome person, marriage-minded, etc. It's like a part time job but for me it was worth it since my goals were marriage and family. Wouldn't have been worth it just to find people to date.

 

Sorry you're struggling with it!

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It definitely didn't work for me, mostly because of this reason:

 

I find OLD just incredibly shallow....we all tend to judge on a photo.

 

but many other reasons as well . . . and anyone I know who found someone online hasn't been recently, it's all been 4 or 5 years ago or longer. My conclusion is OLD has "Jumped the Shark" as they say.

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networking with friends family and coworkers, attending social distancing events to meet and greet new people is your best bet. These days it's even worse to navigate the dating scene...may have to wait til there a vaccine.....January maybe?

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My personal observation isn't that it's all shallow and whatever, but rather that people who tend to be more pragmatic have better success than those who tend to be more romantic.

 

My friends and I had a blast dating and found it quite easy to meet guys from OLD. We are a pragmatic bunch though and would totally talk to the guys with the fuzzy selfie and some pics grinning with a fresh caught fish. If he then says, "Hey I'm terrible at this e-mailing stuff, can we just meet in person and talk over dinner or drinks or coffee, pick a place you are comfortable with and I'll be there." Bonus! The guys were real and the dates were actually fun even if the chemistry wasn't always there.

 

However, if you are looking for model pics, romantic walks on the beach or fall for drivel like "he is looking for his queen"....yeah....you are going to run into scammers and losers. Consider that a normal guy simply won't go to those lengths for a profile and won't talk like that. These are red flags.

 

A lot of OLD is learning to read between the lines and just like any dating, noticing red flags. For example, "I'm not looking for drama" = I will be providing ALL the drama and don't want competition.

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Everyone's experience is different, of course. I've been married for 9 years, together 11, with a man I met on OLD. The neighbors across the street met on OLD and have been married 12.

 

A friend married the guy she met at a car dealership when she bought her car.

 

When I did OLD for over 2 years, I went on dates with about 30 men, and yeah, there were a lot of crazy, frustrating and upsetting times during all that. I had only found out about Meetup.com right before I met my husband, and enjoyed that as a less stressful experience. Didn't meet anybody I clicked with at the activities, but different people show up to them all the time, so I don't doubt I would've eventually met someone to date. Don't know if they have Meetup.com activities where you live, but you should check it out if they do.

 

I also took East Coast Swing group dance lessons which were followed by a dance, and did meet someone I dated for a few months. But I soon found out that he was addicted to the new crop of females at these events and was used to dating someone new every few months.

 

I actually didn't have any luck on E-Harmony. Didn't seem to be too many candidates in my area. Only briefly talked to one guy whose photo was so far away I could barely see what he looked like, and his whole profile was about his deceased wife, and I could tell nobody would live up to his angel.

 

I'd say once it's safe to do so, just get out into the world with volunteering, hobbies, clubs, Meetup.com, and dates with OLD. You never know where you'll meet a potential partner. Good luck.

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I started online dating several years ago. It was new, fresh and so were the people. Over the years and the sharp uphill trend to all things cyber related the numbers quadrupled.

 

With that comes higher numbers in scammers, undesirables and somewhere in between are the smaller percentage of those of who intentions are in the right place. Weeding through that can be treacherous. lol

 

I met my current bf on line over 3 years ago. At that time I was pretty much done due to seeing the same faces still there from 10 years ago. My experience was 90% of them just wanted an electronic friend, the other 9% were scammers. The odds of meeting that 1% that I might even be attracted to wasn't odds I was willing to do any longer. That and the often creepy people who you expose yourself to will leave you with a bad taste. I know it did me.

 

I had been single for about 6 months and on a slow night I put up my profile, skimmed around my area and thought to myself that there was only one person I might consider meeting. But with that I shut it down and didn't return for a couple weeks. On a long road trip and a lot of time on my hands I checked my email (created for OLD only) and the one guy I thought was a possibility could see I had viewed his profile and said "so, you aren't even going to say hello?" The rest is history. Even with that I was reluctant and cancelled our first meet. (as I am every so often reminded)

 

Having said that, I can't imagine what it's like now, 3 1/2 years later. But it works. Its up to you how much patience and fortitude you have. I noticed the less I cared about the outcome the more I could stay in the game. The moment I get frustrated or burned out, I'd take a break.

 

I also didn't want to view meeting someone who wasn't a match a loss either. I met some really nice men and remained friends with them for some time.

 

Also, I always seemed to have better luck with men who were new to OLD. Catch them while they are fresh. . lol! That would be one of the first questions I'd ask. What their experiences were like and how long they've been at it. It's pretty telling.

 

There are some men (and i imagine women) that i referred to as "squatters. For whatever reason they had no intention on getting off the sites. That and sussing out whether they were willing to meet you for a cup of coffee sooner than later. If they pushed back, I'd move on.

 

If I was single today, I doubt I would do it again, to be honest. But I'm just at a place in my life that single is an option. If someone throws themself on my windshield, I might consider it. But I shouldn't have to work so hard at it.

 

I got lucky with my guy. Besides he sets the bar pretty high. He's be impossible to replace :)

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Well you're not wrong in that eharmony is pretty expensive lol I do have a paid account there which I paid for two years upfront. So I guess I may as well use it lol

 

eHarmony is the worst dating site out there. Its filled with dead profiles they present to you as active and so does match. Back in 2013-2014 Match use to be good but eHarmony has always been a scam. Best "sites" (around here anyway) are bumble and hinge.

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eHarmony is the worst dating site out there. Its filled with dead profiles they present to you as active and so does match. Back in 2013-2014 Match use to be good but eHarmony has always been a scam. Best "sites" (around here anyway) are bumble and hinge.

 

This is actually a good point. I wouldn't say any site is dead as such. More that certain sites are more popular in a given location than others. So it's important to find the site that is active in your particular area. I actually noticed that when I had to move around for work. There will only be 1-2 sites that are very popular and active and the rest not so much and not worth bothering with.

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Hi Tiny

 

I've been thinking exactly the same thing. I too am 35, and I just find the whole thing exhausting. I've sent out many messages to women, always trying to personalise it after reading their profile....and 99% of the time the messages have been ignored. I get it....it's easier to just ignore when you aren't interested. I read somewhere that to do OLD you have to have good self esteem, (which I haven't) so I figure its not the best place for me, although to be fair my self confidence is getting better.

 

I find OLD just incredibly shallow....we all tend to judge on a photo.

 

2021 I'm determined to get out there and meet people, through socialising with friends etc and see if it leads somewhere.

 

Don't use sites that require you to send a message, especially if its free. Last girl I dated said she signed up to POF and would wake up to 100 messages every day, she just went into the settings and deleted it. I met her on Bumble.

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eHarmony is the worst dating site out there. Its filled with dead profiles they present to you as active and so does match. Back in 2013-2014 Match use to be good but eHarmony has always been a scam. Best "sites" (around here anyway) are bumble and hinge.

That was my gut feeling. Actually more than a gut feeling, but as certain as I could be.

The most expensive one out there. You jump through hoops, answer the endless list of questions and they send you matches that aren't really matches.

I did get the sense after I went through the first round they were sending me inactive ones. How come the second and third round never, ever responded? I went back years later and the exact same thing happened.

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That was my gut feeling. The most expensive one out there. You jump t through hoops, answer the endless list of questions and send you matches that aren't really matches. I did get the sense after I went through the first round they were sending me inactive ones. How come the second and third round never ever responded? I went back years later and the exact same thing happened.

 

Yes you jump through hoops and all they end up sending you is whoever is closest, which makes the whole thing pointless. You only need to do a quick search to read some reviews on that site to see what its all about, its a scam. I was on it back in the day when the profiles would say "not active for 30+ days" meaning the person was long gone (and it was 90% of the matches they'd send you). Then they removed that - tells you all you need to know.

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Don't use sites that require you to send a message, especially if its free. Last girl I dated said she signed up to POF and would wake up to 100 messages every day, she just went into the settings and deleted it. I met her on Bumble.

 

Never have. I use two dating sites (and both paid), one based for those in the UK who live rurally. I've had better success there, but its a small site. The other is match, where my messages have been ignored. I wont be renewing match when the sub runs out.

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