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Relationship advice My girlfriend and I have been dating 10 months. We have a great relationship most of the time. She has been hurt a lot so sometimes she gets butt hurt(her words not mine) She has 2 younger children which I adore and they adore me. We get to spend every weekend with eachother and we usually just hang out at her place or mine. She likes to get butt hurt about things that are just silly. One morning I was at home and I missed her call and she instantly starts accusing me of being dishonest about what I was doing. I told her I was doing some chores around the house and when she called my phone was in the other room on the charger since it had died. She tells me that what I told her I was doing doesn’t add up. I’ve never been unfaithful or lied to her about anything. A few weeks ago she was texted a screenshot of someone that looked like me on a dating profile. She asked me about it and sent me the picture and it is me. On a dating profile from like 2 years ago that I haven’t used since then. I told her the truth and I think she believes me but things seem different since that happened.

 

Recently she has started feeling that her kids are gonna get overwhelming for me and that I’ll pull back and walk away. I would never do that because this woman is unlike any that I’ve ever met. She makes me feel so good about myself and has so much faith in me. I’m trying to be understanding of her insecurities but they are so constant that it brings up some major insecurities in myself. I don’t want to lose her. But I also don’t like feeling like I’m walking on egg shells.

 

She always tells me that she loves how understanding I am but it’s starting to weigh on me. I’ve been cheated on and left for no reason and would never do that to anyone. Am I just overthinking?

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Sorry to hear that. Way to much, way too soon. You need to step back.

 

She needs to put her kids and her kids relationship with thier father first. That means she needs time to sort this out. A 40 week BF, should not be jumping in like this.

 

You depict her as a mere pain in your butt about her "silly", concerns, then claim she makes you feel great?

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I’ve shown her how much I care. That’s all I do. Which I love doing. It’s just hard for me because I love this woman and want to be with her more than I’ve ever wanted to be with anyone. I feel like all I’m gonna do is tick her off. She tells me I have nothing to worry about and to let her be upset. It’s just hard because I can tell when she is mad yet she won’t tell me why until she stews on it and usually it turns into more of an issue when I do finally know what is wrong.

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It's not your job to "convince" her you're not them. It's not your job to fix or change her.

 

She will just have to see for herself if this is going to work out for her or not.

 

All you can do is be more reliable and stop trying to cover your tracks.

 

If she's still jealous and distrustful after that, you'll have to reflect on if it's worth good sex to keep on going with this situation.

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This woman is not ready for a relationship.

 

Her issues from her past are hers to fix, not to hold you emotional hostage for. She is punishing you for others' bad behaviour and when this becomes a habit, it destroys relationships.

 

It also says how little she thinks of you to assume you're capable of the same cheating and lying. This won't be fixed by you enabling her insecurities.

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Stop appeasing her and stop walking on eggshells. Instead, start creating some healthy boundaries and communicate that to her and then step back and leave her to deal with herself and her issues....if she is willing.

 

You say that she makes you feel so good, but walking on eggshells and constantly having your character assassinated doesn't sound to me like something that feels good.

 

You also say that ALL her previous relationships were bad and surely, since you are a good guy, not like those bad guys, this is supposed to work out, right? Does it ever occur to you that she is the common denominator in all those allegedly bad relationships? Also, she behaves badly and has a pet name for that instead of getting her act together and fixing her issues? Nothing about that makes you think twice?

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She's self sabotaging. Yeah, a person isn't ready to be in a healthy relationship until they've ditched emotional baggage. Instead of appeasing, how about having a spine and telling her you won't pay the price for a crime you didn't commit? She sees you as a doormat, but words it as you being so patient and understanding of her.

 

To me, the bad outweighs the good here. No matter her good qualities, being regularly upset with her is a sign the relationship is not right for you. If you see a future with her, maybe attend couples counseling as a last resort and give it time to work. If she doesn't agree to go or it doesn't work, I suggest bailing. If you have healthy self worth, you won't accept any less.

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This woman is not ready for a relationship.

 

Her issues from her past are hers to fix, not to hold you emotional hostage for. She is punishing you for others' bad behaviour and when this becomes a habit, it destroys relationships.

 

It also says how little she thinks of you to assume you're capable of the same cheating and lying. This won't be fixed by you enabling her insecurities.

 

I agree with this ^^^

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She won't stop. Why should she? She stews and sulks and accuses and you leap all over yourself to reassure her. I bet you even tell her you love her when she behaves like that. You reward her for her jealous controlling insecure accusatory sulky behavior.

 

This is how the relationship will continue to be. Don't expect it to stop because it won't. You have to decide if a lifetime of this is what you want.

 

And anyway, you say she makes you feel good, so maybe this is what you're into, being browbeaten. Some men like that. If that's your jam, it doesn't make sense to complain about it. Own it.

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You are likely not overthinking if you're having recurring thoughts or misgivings about the relationship. Think about it this way - would you keep repeating the same problem again and again and again knowing that it's an issue? No, most people who are healthy or stable won't.

 

You've already given this a lot of thought so end it and keep your distance or stay. I'd see her behaviours as negative and living in a constant shadow of the past. Isn't part of starting a new relationship and a new life with someone about new beginnings?

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I can see you are not going to end this relationship over this yet so we need to find a way to help you survive until it can be worked out by her. Make no mistake these are her issues, not yours.

 

She may be the best you ever had but she is far from being able to have a healthy relationship. Walking on eggshells, being accused of things, snooping and all the rest are a horrible way to live.

 

So what can you do? I agree with DF that you need to set some boundaries and not just "let her be mad" There is a time and place to be upset and have disagreements with your SO but they shouldn't be manufactured or dug up just so she can be mad.

 

Talk to her calmly and ask her what you have done to be so mistrusted by her. See what she says, chances are she will say that she does trust you and then you remind her that her words are that she trusts you but her actions are of a person that clearly does not trust you. Help her see what she is doing and how it makes you feel.

 

All you can do is be the person you are and help her see what she is doing is unhealthy and hurtful and does not make you feel closer to her.

 

Lost

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All you have been doing is enabling her behavior by continually reassuring her. I have mentioned this on another thread....she gets insecure, you reassure her, she gets her fix, then it happens again, you reassure her, gets her fix....etc. It's a cycle that will never end. So here you are, you tried everything. She has some PTSD goin on and she needs therapy. The majority of people get over their bad experience fairly quickly, then you have others that are more fragile, and carry it for years because they don't know how to cope/deal with it so they can move forward. Me I have always been one of those that shakes it off asap...like not even a month. I usually feel better after a couple of weeks. Your GF got some issues that only a professional can handle. I doubt you can steer her way there unless you have a serious talk with her...if she is in denial, you will indeed need to step back.

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A few weeks ago she was texted a screenshot of someone that looked like me on a dating profile. She asked me about it and sent me the picture and it is me. On a dating profile from like 2 years ago that I haven’t used since then.

 

I'm amazed at how many people out there have old dating profiles that they "forgot about" and/or "never use". You really have so many active dating profiles out there that you can't keep track of them all? How does that happen?

 

We're just getting your side of it. You're Mr. Wonderful and she's the one with all the issues. Is it at all possible that you're contributing to the insecurities on some level? Just wondering.

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I have a POF profile that I haven't used in nearly 6 years. I think I have another one on Our Time. Once about 4 years ago I went on that POF profile and men had been messaging me, even though the profile showed I hadn't been active in years. I didn't bother deleting it because I didn't see a reason why.

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The problem with accusatory drilling is that this never goes away. It gets worse.

 

You can't prove a negative. If walking on eggshells is how you want to live, it's not against the law, but there's no magic formula that's going to 'fix' this woman.

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