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Hello first time poster!

 

 

I have been with my partner several months now and he's fantastic, he really is. The other week I found a stupid comment on someones instagram profile who i also follow (yes, a stupid instagram model) after a few days I approached him about it, (in fact, i said i saw something on instagram, and he knew instantly and we spoke about it and it really was nothing)

 

However, I cannot let it go, and last week I looked through his inbox. I KNOW I KNOW (i'll accept the abuse) Of course I found nothing. nothing at all. Im not actually angry about the situation anymore im just angry at my actions and how stupid I feel.

 

 

I just can't shake the horrible feeling and I know i made it worse by snooping. Yesterday I said I still feel strange, and he said, well what can we do about it? its clearly something with confidence, and we can get you help if you need it.

 

SOrry if this makes no sense, but in my heart I know I can trust him but my head keeps saying stupid things. I want them to stop.

 

Again sorry if this is making no sense but I just want to shake this stupid feeling.

 

 

Thanks.

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Welcome to ENA

 

Where do you think these insecurities are coming from?

 

Have you been cheated on in the past and you think it is only a matter of time?

 

Do you think he is so out of your league that you don't deserve a guy like him?

 

Obviously he is pretty open and has no problem discussing issues with you so that is a really good thing. Frankly it isn't his job to fix this since as you have said it is in your mind.

 

Someone on here once said if you snoop long enough you will find something to get upset about. Do want to find a problem?

 

Lost

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I have been cheated on in the past, and I have worked on my issues and I got to a really good place mentally,

 

I use the A HA technique. Acknowledge, Halt, and Act.

 

He's such a good guy and he is so open which is great. I won't ever snoop again. last night he recieved a message on instagram when he was showing me something on watsapp, I froze, I thought I didn't react but he knew instantly and said, if you carry on like this I will hide my phone and that will just make you think i AM doing something. I think its an irrational fear to know everything which clearly I need to work on.

 

 

I really don't want to push him away. I just can't seem to get past this ridiculous feeling and its driving me crazy!

 

Many Thanks for your reply!

 

Also I am 31 and he's 44 and we have discussed the different weight ages put on social media!

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Seems like what this situation is showing you is that when push comes to shove, you are not at all in a good place mentally, haven't actually dealt with the damage from your past and the technique you are using isn't actually working for you in practice.

 

In fact, your behavior and reactions are so over the top, that you really do need to seek out trauma counseling. You might have felt fine outside of a relationship, but being in one is bringing all your fears and trauma right back up. It doesn't mean that you need to be single for life, it means that you will need to get some help and put a lot more work into healing yourself.

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Nobody wants to see their bf/gf hit on by someone else. They don't want somebody flirting with them or showing any kind of interest because that is a threat to the relationship and it triggers a primal reaction. But your reactions are extreme. For example, It is okay not liking that a woman at his work seems overly friendly but going over the top about it is bad.

 

Social media needs to be renamed to UnSocial media because of all the problems it causes!!! There is more unsocial behavior than ever.

 

He sees what you are doing and although he sounds like an understanding guy in time he will start resenting the untrusting behavior. Every time you react or say something to him you are saying "I don't trust you"

 

I dated a wonderful, drop dead gorgeous and loving woman for about 18 months and I thought I was the luckiest man alive and I had finally found the person I had dreamt about. Unfortunately she had trust issues and was insecure. I am okay looking and women would smile and say hi to me when we were walking together in the store or anywhere and she would get really tense about it. I could see she was trying not to react but it was right there on the surface. We talked about it many times and I told her I take it as she doesn't trust me and she would say "I trust you, I just don't trust them" It was like I had no self control and if any pretty woman came up to me I would forget about my gf and my promise to be exclusive. What was ironic in all this was she was stunning with a fantastic figure and had guys hitting on her all the time whether I was nearby or not. She even got mad at me once because I trusted her so much and she thought jealousy was a sign of love. I had to put my foot down and tell her it had to stop or we were done.

I pride myself on my honesty and loving someone as much as I loved her but not being trusted by her was a bridge to far. Don't put your guy in a position to have to hide innocent things from you so you will not get triggered.

 

There is a way out of this but you may need help.

 

Lost

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So absolutely true Lost.

 

"Social media needs to be renamed to UnSocial media because of all the problems is causes!!! There is more unsocial behavior than ever."

 

Yes, jealousy is about the insecurities of the jealous people, not about the love they have for their partner. It's a sign of low self-esteem and neuroticism.

 

 

It is about the insecurities of the jealous people, not about the love they have for their partner.

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Have to weigh in my agreement with the others.

 

This is on you. You are not as healed as you think.

 

You can't blame a healthy, trust worthy person for not wanting to deal with a partner that is not in the same wave length.

 

But I will also add, I don't like his response being I will hide my phone. like what is that?

 

Before you go self diagnosing yourself as the problem, make sure in fact you're not being too hard on yourself.

 

Snooping is wrong but do you have reason? You're here for a reason. And like many other posters "my partner is really great in every other way" just doesn't pass the sniff test with me.

 

You probably should talk to a therapist or your doctor to see if you do in fact need some support sorting yourself out.

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Hi OP,

 

You need to remind yourself that he’s not the same person as your ex who cheated. Think of this journey as a story and your ex was a chapter ago. Now you’ve started a brand new chapter that will have a different plot with different characters. What you’re doing is rewriting in this fresh new story the consequences of the past. It’s going to taint this whole new story for you if you keep referring backwards to what was written before.

 

You need to come at this relationship and person as a clean slate. If you can’t trust him you have no basis for a relationship. Maybe you need to heal some more, or more therapy.

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I think your spidy senses are up. As bad as snooping is, you are picking up on something that is off. If your relationship was solid, you wouldn't be as insecure. Something as simple as hiding the phone one time. New clothes. New exercise or eating regimen. A little less affection. A little less affirmation. Speaking as someone who's been there and on the other side. There are changes you don't directly notice, but completely notice. It's very healthy to do a check in at least one a year on how things are going. Short term goals, long term goals. Nothing wrong with being clear on your expectations.

 

Every time I have had a massive urge to snoop, they were in fact cheating. So don't ignore instincts. To clarify, did someone or he made a stupid comment on an Instagram model's page?

 

Discuss how cheating hurts. Be clear on your no-gos and what is and isn't acceptable.

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It doesn't sound like you feel comfortable with him. I would use this as a time of reflection and come to a decision on whether you are really with someone you can trust at all or if you do want to work on yourself. I'm not keen either on his response to you about hiding his phone. That would raise some red flags or an eyebrow at the very least. He seems unstable and impatient with you.

 

If he knows you're dealing with issues of insecurity and anxiety, I would think a partner might be a little more understanding and watch comments like that instead of instigating you further. If he has a problem with you he can discuss it or bring up options of working through the relationship in a way that helps you feel supported and loved. If you disagree, that's your choice. If you agree, at least you have a partner who does NOT throw fuel over the fire.

 

I think you should reevaluate the relationship and see whether you have incompatibilities regarding social media or your lifestyle differences in general. It means nothing if a person is considerate and loving in some aspects and rude or callous in others.

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You can take what I have to say with a grain of salt, since I certainly have my own issues. Just wanted to say that I can relate to the snooping and subsequent crappy feelings over it. Something in me just needs to know.

 

That being said, I think it's okay to feel hurt by whatever comment it was that you saw. And then of course, feeling that may have brought up your past hurt & paranoia from being cheated on. And then before you know it you are sinking into this quicksand of not only having these feelings, cursing yourself for having them and feeling even worse.

 

Does him following insta models bother you? (It would bother me) Do yourself a favor and stop following them, too. I don't want to say they are like cancer.. but, they are just not good. It's common knowledge that the fecal matter they post is not indicative of real life or real bodies whatsoever.

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The way I read what her bf said, is that he was upset about her getting tense over nothing and pointed out that if he is open with his phone, it will cause a problem and if he puts his phone away, it will also create the same problem. His point was simply that no matter what he does, the OP will get triggered. It's a lose/lose situation for him that he cannot solve on the OP's behalf.

 

That's actually a very sane, normal, and rational reaction to the OP's behavior. The problem is hers and hers alone and she needs to find a way to deal with it better or else, she will indeed lose this relationship. There is only so much that he will put up with before he walks away and it seems to me that he is actually being very clear that he is not going to play appeasement games.

 

That's really always the catch. Healthy people will not tolerate unhealthy behavior for long and will walk away. Which will leave you with those who are unhealthy, aka cheaters, players, predators. The very people you fear. It's on you to fix yourself before you scare off normal sane people.

 

A healthy person might be willing to humor some insecurity and issues, but if you continually assassinate their character and loyalty because you haven't deal with your past, they will walk away from you as that is the only rational solution to the problem. You can't fix insecurities and past trauma through appeasement and walking on eggshells, trying to change your life and behaviors, monitoring what you say and how, lest you trigger your SO in some way. That's not a relationship, that's a toxic mess.

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I have no idea about cheating, but I do know that sometimes our mind plays tricks on us. We think the worst of situations or imagine issues that don't even exist.

 

Maybe step back and reflect on what's triggering you to think of the worst and what you can do to shift your thoughts?

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You can take what I have to say with a grain of salt, since I certainly have my own issues. Just wanted to say that I can relate to the snooping and subsequent crappy feelings over it. Something in me just needs to know.

 

That being said, I think it's okay to feel hurt by whatever comment it was that you saw. And then of course, feeling that may have brought up your past hurt & paranoia from being cheated on. And then before you know it you are sinking into this quicksand of not only having these feelings, cursing yourself for having them and feeling even worse.

 

Does him following insta models bother you? (It would bother me) Do yourself a favor and stop following them, too. I don't want to say they are like cancer.. but, they are just not good. It's common knowledge that the fecal matter they post is not indicative of real life or real bodies whatsoever.

 

You are right, and he said, over the past week or so, he's scared to open his phone because he thinks i'll get angry.

 

Also the comments were RIDICULOUS, like "MY DREAM, MY DESIRE" which is what He and his friends post on these models because thats exactly that they want, he said its like A movie for him, he uses instagram as a joke, and its a public wall and he knows people will see. This is not his ususal way of talking. I also said it makes me feel uncomfortable, and he said, Okay I'll stop.

 

and obviously I stupidly snooped and found nothing, jsut confirmation of the truth he told me, I think this is why im feeling how i am, angry I didn't trust. I said that Okay, this is what I CAN SEE, what about what I cant... and he said, this is a war you have with yourself, What can I do to make you feel better?

 

Also - its worth noting, he's spanish and I'm English and the comments were in English and so some of them don't translate exactly the same.

 

 

I've woken up feeling much better today, and started meditating again and trying to control the thoughts.

 

The more I type about it the more silly I feel about reacting. I know some people will disagree with the comments but my reaction made him stop. He;s been very open. I'm hurting both of us because I can't hide my moods (even though im a professional actor) and he's very sensitive to peoples moods.

 

Just as an over view of our realtionship

 

I was having money problems due to covid - so he suggested I move in and if the money problems end, I can deicde to stay or leave (i stayed)

I have met all of his friends, and they always invite me to things if he cant make it

I have met all the family and regularly get messages from them asking how I am, and how happy they are we are together,

He's never cheated.

We collect eachother from work every day if the other isn't working.

We cook for eachother every night.

We are very happy and I saw this one thing, he was open about it, knew before that THAT's what I was angry about, stopped, I STILL SNOOPED, found nothing.

 

He also said that he had an ex who hacked into all his social medias before and he knew, so he sent messages to people knowing they would be seen.

 

I jsut dont want to go down that route, and writing this has made me realise that I have work to do on myself, and he agrees and that whatever he can do, or if its professional help I need we can look for that.

 

Thanks everyone. I dont want this to sound like i'm saying he's perfect, but if he's being honest and I stil feel like this, the problem really is mine. He's listened three times, I think after four it may start to chip away!

 

Thanks again.

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How long after you started dating did you move in? Do you have friends and family near by?

 

Is it possible for you to get more work or a side hussle in order to be busier and get some money together so that it's about the relationship between you working rather than a place to live?

 

Try not to drag your past around with you into the present and the future.

 

You really don't need anxiety management for social media posts, but getting your financial and professional life back in order would help you tremendously in playing on a more level playing field.

 

Is it possible you feel beholden to him for taking you in?

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You can learn to curb your impulses. It's called impulse control. I tend to agree that an individual who lacks at lot this will get sucked into minor issues and non-problems easily. It still doesn't wipe away the fact that his instagram posts are dumb or immature.

 

I've been in good and bad relationships, ones where there is a great degree of respect and others where incompatibilities or inconsistencies just lead to confusion and resentment. It depends on you - whether you want to date someone who makes comments like those. Maybe he has a group of really immature dudes who goad each other on and dare each other to make macho, derogatory or stupid comments about women publicly. That would absolutely rub me the wrong way. You decide what you want in your life and who you want in your life.

 

Keep working on yourself but please, don't be a doormat, or assume everything that's wrong is you. I think your self-worth is very low. Like Wiseman, I have those similar questions. Maybe getting back on your own two feet and feeling less obligated will also improve the way you see yourself.

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The way I read what her bf said, is that he was upset about her getting tense over nothing and pointed out that if he is open with his phone, it will cause a problem and if he puts his phone away, it will also create the same problem. His point was simply that no matter what he does, the OP will get triggered. It's a lose/lose situation for him that he cannot solve on the OP's behalf.

 

That's actually a very sane, normal, and rational reaction to the OP's behavior. The problem is hers and hers alone and she needs to find a way to deal with it better or else, she will indeed lose this relationship. There is only so much that he will put up with before he walks away and it seems to me that he is actually being very clear that he is not going to play appeasement games.

 

That's really always the catch. Healthy people will not tolerate unhealthy behavior for long and will walk away. Which will leave you with those who are unhealthy, aka cheaters, players, predators. The very people you fear. It's on you to fix yourself before you scare off normal sane people.

 

A healthy person might be willing to humor some insecurity and issues, but if you continually assassinate their character and loyalty because you haven't deal with your past, they will walk away from you as that is the only rational solution to the problem. You can't fix insecurities and past trauma through appeasement and walking on eggshells, trying to change your life and behaviors, monitoring what you say and how, lest you trigger your SO in some way. That's not a relationship, that's a toxic mess.

 

^^^

Genius

Read this over and over again.

The one thing you don't want to happen will happen if you continue with this behavior. You will lose him to someone else because he will break up with you and eventually meet someone new. This is the kind of guy you want in your life so rise to the challenge and seek therapy in some shape or form to help you deal with your insecurities and mistrust issues.

 

Lost

 

PS Good on you for admitting your part in all this. If you can figure this one thing out it looks like you are going to be really good together.

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The conditions for which you moved in and became closer are a little concerning, like Wiseman mentioned. I notice you keep putting the blame all on yourself for having these feelings. In my opinion, it's not something you need to control or meditate away. He did something that hurt you, and I don't think you are being crazy by mentioning it. If I saw my boyfriend comment "my dream, my desire" on some chick's photo I'd lose it. It's about respect for the one you love. Don't get me started on the "it's a joke" line.

 

I would be curious to know exactly what he meant by that, and what sort of conversation you had about it. If you've told him that behavior hurts you and he still does it (or doesn't acknowledge it), he is disrespecting you & the relationship.

 

last night he recieved a message on instagram when he was showing me something on watsapp, I froze, I thought I didn't react but he knew instantly and said, if you carry on like this I will hide my phone and that will just make you think i AM doing something.

 

^^Sorry I didn't notice this tidbit the first time around. That kind of thing makes me go hmmm. I feel like he blew whatever reaction you had out of proportion to purposefully make you feel crazy and bad about your feelings. Did you get to see who the message was from? Just speaking personally, I know that the only messages my boyfriend receives are from family & friends. Definitely not from randos on instagram.

 

Edit: I realize my post contradicts some things that others are saying. It is, of course, important to "check yourself" and be real with yourself. Don't lose yourself or become a doormat, though.

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When you get to the point where you feel you have the "right" to see all the messages your SO receives, it's time to step away. And I don't buy into that old, tired "he shouldn't have a problem letting me see his messages if he has nothing to hide!!!" I would go ballistic if a man I'm involved with insisted on reading all my messages. If the trust is that badly damaged, why remain in the relationship?

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When you get to the point where you feel you have the "right" to see all the messages your SO receives, it's time to step away. And I don't buy into that old, tired "he shouldn't have a problem letting me see his messages if he has nothing to hide!!!" I would go ballistic if a man I'm involved with insisted on reading all my messages. If the trust is that badly damaged, why remain in the relationship?

 

I agree completely, he stopped the comments, i've told him i'm on here and he's very supportive over it. I said to him yesterday "I don't need to know everyone that messages you and i dont want to" but i think i was actually telling myself that haha.

 

he's asked a few times how I am, because really what is infuriating me, it is this ONE THING. his watsapp goes off, i dont flinch, FB i dont flinch, but because i saw something on ONE APP. Do I think he's having a ridiculous love affair on instgaram? no, my heart doesn't. and when I get to that place of calm, that little saboteur says "what about this...." and if i get carried away with it, i end up thinking i'm with the devil with a friendship group and management team who are all in this together to make me a joke!! The trouble im having is acknowledging its ridiculous but unable to stop it. I don't believe what I think but the pain and emotions still get triggered.

 

 

it's also maybe worth mentioning we are both men. He's 44 i'm 31. I'm English, He's spanish and I live here now.

 

It feels so good to be able to write whatever I want here.

 

I didnt know forums were still so active!

 

Thank you!

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Why do you believe you are "'unable' to stop it"?

 

People generally do things because they get something out of it. What are you getting out of stirring up all this drama? Are you seeking for him to reassure you, tell you he loves you, make promises to you? What is the reward you want from him?

 

You do realize there are healthier ways for him to show his love for you, correct? And that if you continue down this path you will lose him, correct?

 

Do you want this relationship to continue? If so, why are you trying to destroy it?

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The drama is internal, I'm trying to work a way out of stopping it.

 

He's so open it's like nothing I've ever experienced before and I'm trying to stop these issues

 

What are you doing to "try" to stop it?

 

I like the Yoda approach..."Do or do not. There is no 'try'".

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That's tough. I'm not sure how you reverse that compulsion to think or do those things. Would it help to think of things in a state of equilibrium of sorts? So you have these addictive and obsessive thoughts believing that he may be doing something behind your back. The counter to that is... well, so what?

 

It's the 'so what' that would turn the thought process of constantly thinking negative things or self-sabotaging for me. You seem to have him on a huge pedestal too. "He's so open like nothing I've ever experienced" but no one is perfect or great all the time. People do have flaws, they forget things, sometimes they get tired, upset or they just don't feel themselves. Imho, you have him too much on a pedestal to think clearly and as a result you're also putting so much pressure on yourself to prove to yourself that you deserve him.

 

I'd take back all of that, rewind, dial it down and just practice the 'so what' mentality. He may be a very good partner but I don't think you need to wind yourself up like this.

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