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I [26f] am unhappy in my relationship [28m] and don't know what to do


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Me and my boyfriend have been dating for three years and live together. in the beginning, we were very in love with each other and I felt like I had never felt this way with anyone ever before. Things changed once we moved in together. We went through a really rough patch in our relationship after he moved in with me and it was really bad. We would fight almost every other day and I felt like we felt a lot of resentment towards each other during this period just by how we would treat each other. It got to the point where we got into a huge fight and ended up breaking up. When we broke up, I was devastated. I moved back in with my parents and it was hard for me to get out of bed every day.

 

I knew I still loved him and felt like maybe the breakup was a mistake. I told him how I felt and he said he agreed and we got back together. He admitted to me that during the time we were broken up he had slept with two girls. I was a little bit upset, but I was not mad at him as we were not dating. It's important to mention though because I feel like this is when my feelings started to change. He also started drinking more and gambling with his friends and getting home super late without calling or texting. I felt more distant from him as the year went on.

 

I think he could tell that I was feeling this way, and started to make more of an effort towards our relationship. He stopped drinking as much and doesn't gamble anymore. I can tell that he But now I just feel really guilty because I just don't feel the same for him as I did before. I have tried, but every day I just feel like I don't really want to try. He is a really good guy and he treats me well. I don't want to break his heart. On top of all of that, I have been thinking about this other guy. I would never cheat or act on any of my thoughts, but I can't stop these thoughts and I feel like I'm developing a crush.

 

I really hate myself for feeling like this and feel like I've betrayed him. Apart of me wants to leave, then another part of me feels like I'll be making a huge mistake. Please help!

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How have you betrayed? You seem to be under the impression that if he makes ANY effort like not gambling regularly or not getting drunk on a regular basis, then you are obligated to be with him. That is not the case. It seems that your relationship simply does not work -- you can't live together and you are unhappy when you are with him. That is completely fine and you should end this relationship instead of continuing to torture yourself with something you don't want. And BTW, if you want to actually move on and find someone with whom you are better suited, please stop communication of all kinds with this guy after the break up. That will help you heal more quickly and will set you up to be open to new possibilities after the healing.

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Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately it sounds like you were incompatible when living together. What were the arguments about? It sounds like you dodged a bullet if he tends to drink heavily, gamble and sleep around.

 

End it. Cut all contact. Delete him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps.

 

Pursue the new guy, you're broken up and free to date.

 

Things changed once we moved in together. It got to the point where we got into a huge fight and ended up breaking up.

 

He admitted to me that during the time we were broken up he had slept with two girls. He also started drinking more and gambling with his friends and getting home super late without calling or texting.

 

I would never cheat or act on any of my thoughts, but I can't stop these thoughts and I feel like I'm developing a crush.

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May I ask if you still have the support of your parents? You had moved back in with them when things were rough or you broke up and then went back to living with your boyfriend. What do they think of him? The reason I ask is to gauge your support networks and see how difficult it is for you to permanently extract yourself from this situation. You'll have to be sure though because crying wolf or asking for others to bail you out over the same person multiple times will look a bit tired over time. The worst part is you realizing you can't trust your own decisions if you keep going back on them.

 

You can rebuild if you choose to. I think you are deeply emotionally attached and still feel obligated and caring of him. Just because you care deeply about someone or love that person, it doesn't mean it's the right person for you. Life goes on and your heart will heal.

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Before we broke up it was mainly because I had started working as a first-year teacher and was having a rough time. I was angry and moody all of the time and he would get frustrated with me and it would lead to an argument. If I'm being honest, he wasnt the most supportive during this time period. We both built a lot of resentment and that's what led to the fight that caused us to break up.

 

My job is a lot easier now and we don't have these problems anymore. We actually don't even argue that often. But I can't help but feel like I won't ever feel the same way about him.

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I don’t think there’s much to your dilemma presented.

 

You two sound like people who tried to make things work, but they didn’t. You made the jump to moving in with one another and things quickly fell apart. That says something about your compatibility. But you didn’t mention what the fights were about in the first place. (It doesn’t matter anymore)

 

But what happened after - about him sleeping with two other people, drinking, gambling, etcetera, says a lot about his character and how he handles tumultuous times.

 

Now you’re emotionally tapped out. You feel guilty because your desire to keep things going has dissipated. For a plethora of factors. I think the guilt will grow if you’re not honest about your true feelings.

 

You don’t want to hurt him. So staying in that relationship when you’re not interested anymore will hurt him more in the long-run, and it will hurt you too. So that’s the worst option.

If you want to salvage the relationship, tell him how you really feel and the reasons why. You’ve accumulated resentment - probably because he slept with women after the breakup for one major reason. That would make anyone feel gross about their partner.

But if you’re just tapped out from his stuff? That’s okay. That’s life. But just be truthful with yourself and let it go.

 

Giving up doesn’t mean it was all for nothing. It just means that relationship wasn’t the one.. but it showcased to you what qualities and characteristics are deeply important for you in intimacy.

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My parents support me and would take me back in. I think that they don't think he is a good match because of everything that we have been through. I know they would be happier if I was with someone else, but they said that they support me either way.

The very fact that your parents don't seem to be too crazy about him says a lot. Take it on board and think about moving back in with them. It looks like your relationship has run its course. Nothing wrong with that and sometimes it's even a blessing in disguise. You're still young so don't waste anymore time on something which isn't working for you anymore. Life's too short. Move on.

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If he knew what was on your mind right now, that the only thing preventing you from breaking up is because you'll break his heart, would you think he'd want to stay a couple? I know I wouldn't want a guy to stay with me out of pity.

 

And you can't sacrifice your happiness because you'll hurt someone's feelings. People get broken up with all the time. Haven't you survived breakups?

 

You're crushing on someone because you lack an emotional connection with your bf. Really common for that to happen in these circumstances. When you break up, don't date right away. You've been with him a long time, and you need time to mourn and heal. On again, off again relationships mean the relationship has never been the right one. Keep if off this time, forever.

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You wrote that everyday you feel that you "don't really want to try". That's your answer and evidence that your relationship is dead. The break up is inevitable so he is going to be hurt no matter what. However, you do have control over how much. If you keep doing what you are doing, you are going to monkey branch to the other guy. That's going to hurt him 10 times worse and this IS going to be your fault because you see it coming and are CHOOSING to keep him in the dark. You have every right to break up with him. A man who resorts to drinking and gambling as a coping mechanism when the going gets tough is a glaring red flag. Breaking up with him is the correct choice and, imo, you should go ahead and never look back. However, using him as a stepping stone to the next guy because you are afraid to be alone/ take responsibility for your (lack of) feelings is a really selfish and shi+ty way to go about it. Breaking up right now is the honourable choice. Monkey-branching later to that new dude is an assclown's way out.

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Crushes are fine. Whether you act on them or not is the where the rubber meets the road. I second Andrina's comment about not starting a new relationship so soon. You'll feel a little better later on and may see things clearer if you give yourself more time.

 

If your parents are able to take you back, take the offer and move on from the relationship.

 

Drinking and gambling can develop into addictions. You know your partner best and whether he has any history of addictions. I could not help my ex with his towards the end of our relationship.

 

Weigh whether your health, happiness and safety is worth staying in this relationship in the long run.

 

It may seem minor at this point and a matter of "feelings" or how unhappy or confused you are. Your feelings are always a first response to problems. Look at the situation as it is with all the pieces at play. I think if you decide whether to stay or go based on feelings, you'll regularly go back and forth and run the risk of perpetually being confused. Feelings fluctuate and it's especially a rollercoaster during a break up. Stick to your convictions, thoughts, ideas and what you want out of life.

 

There may be some things you can't change about him and they were there long before you both met or they developed over time without you paying too much attention. Learn from the experience.

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So if you hadn't mentioned your crush my advice would be simple.

 

If your feelings for him are such that you love him but are not In Love with him any longer then for both of your sake you should end the relationship in a loving and least hurtful way possible.

 

BUT since you said you are thinking about someone else you need to think long and hard about your motives for finding things wrong in the relationship to give you an excuse to end it so you can test drive this new guy.

 

I am not saying this crush is the reason you are reconsidering the relationship, I am just saying be brutally honest with yourself so you take a path paved with honesty because in the long run it is the healthy thing to do.

 

There are thousands of posts that start off like yours and then part way through the OP mentions someone at work or the person at the coffee shop...

 

If you decide to end it spend months figuring out what you want in and for your life before you start dating again.

 

Lost

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I moved back in with my parents

 

I would do this ^^^^. We never get any wasted time back to live over again. You're pretty clear that this isn't the guy you'll want to spend the rest of your life with, so what would be a good reason for staying with someone who doesn't even inspire you to want to try?

 

Head high. We all learn by living. You've learned what it feels like when a relationship has run its course.

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Sounds like your relationship has run it's course. Perhaps you need to move on.

 

This post is on point.

 

At 26 years of age, you are quite young. When you are 50, looking back you will consider your 20s/30s/40s your best years. There is no way a relationships should have you not able to get out of bed at age 26. When parents get ill, die, will this man be by your side supporting you through the rough times? Likely not. Get out and enjoy life, explore your new attraction and hopefully the feeling is mutual. And if he is not what appeals to you, look for someone new.

 

Your 20s are a time to spread your wings and date to your heart’s content.

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  • 2 weeks later...

You do know that you don't have to marry everyone you care about or have sex with, right? This relationship has run its course.

 

It's one thing to be a drunk, but a gambler too? Ugh - that OCD condition doesn't just go away. Leaving would be the best decision, because even if things are okay now, another setback, and he takes up drinking and gambling again. No thanks!

 

My dad is a degenerate gambler and has been for 50 years. Some people like to use their millions of dollars along with my mom's money, insurance policy, property, and even their 401k. Gamblers love to give it away thinking they will get a break any day now.

 

And even as much as a gambler my dad is, he doesn't stay out late, ever, and he always calls my mom, and never kept her hanging out where he was or what he was doing. And he's super kind and doesn't drink. Why I am sharing this? Because your guy has no many strikes against him, don't feel guilty for wanting a solid guy in your life.

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