Anxiety over boyfriend's past

[Batya33]

Yes. MB. I was thinking just what you are saying here.

 

"OP are you worried about his past because you feel like you won't be able to compare in some way or something? I've always heard it's not good to try to imagine your man's past... some women do obsess over that due to feeling insecure,

 

And I fully agree with Lost.

 

"We don't know that and from what you described the guy seems pretty open and honest. Just because a man or woman has sex outside of a relationship does not make them better or worse than someone that waits for marriage or a long term relationship before being intimate. It simply makes them different, not bad or good.

"

 

Or it makes them incompatible on a values basis when it comes to a long term relationship (but might be fine for a close friendship, let's say). Not "bad" or "good". I also considered how the person viewed casual sex in the present time, why he chose to have multiple casual sex partners, etc. Often I found men who were into that far more close minded about sex - because to me it seemed easier to have intercourse with someone you didn't know well, with little emotional risk and the ability to say sayonara if the sex wasn't up to par -even if it was so because it was basically two strangers being physically intimate without being able to communicate effectively because they barely knew each other. Having sex within a committed loving relationship often requires a real amount of openness and vulnerability because the stakes are much higher -you don't just typically walk away because that time the sex was so so or wasn't what you wanted - you're with this person, committed to this person -you have to talk it out.

[reinventmyself]

I guess for me, it's more a call to look within, rather than focusing on the partners past. and possible incompatibilities

Had she not used such harsh words my answer might be different.

But she speaks for her boyfriend like he was a rapist in a past life.

[SherrySher]

Or it makes them incompatible on a values basis when it comes to a long term relationship (but might be fine for a close friendship, let's say). Not "bad" or "good". I also considered how the person viewed casual sex in the present time, why he chose to have multiple casual sex partners, etc. Often I found men who were into that far more close minded about sex - because to me it seemed easier to have intercourse with someone you didn't know well, with little emotional risk and the ability to say sayonara if the sex wasn't up to par -even if it was so because it was basically two strangers being physically intimate without being able to communicate effectively because they barely knew each other. Having sex within a committed loving relationship often requires a real amount of openness and vulnerability because the stakes are much higher -you don't just typically walk away because that time the sex was so so or wasn't what you wanted - you're with this person, committed to this person -you have to talk it out.

 

Great post.

[LaHermes]

Quite so Reinvent.

 

" it's more a call to look within, rather than focusing on the partners past. and possible incompatibilities

Had she not used such harsh words my answer might be different.

But she speaks for her boyfriend like he was a rapist in a past life."

[Lambert]

Based on what you wrote, his past is not just his past. Its something that you not only disagree with but also judge him pretty harshly about.

 

Why do you want to overcome these feelings? something that wakes you up in the middle of the night and causes you so much anxiety?

 

That's a pretty big hurdle. Regardless of whether you are justified or not, it is how you feel about it and brushing it away seems to have made it worse.

 

I think you're realizing this is too much for you.

 

Accepting his behavior is not a favor you are doing for him. When you love someone you accept them and they should expect you, too. Everyone deserves that. You're not the judge and jury. However, you do have every right to decide he is not for you for this or any other reason.

[maritalbliss86]

Based on what you wrote, his past is not just his past. Its something that you not only disagree with but also judge him pretty harshly about.

 

Why do you want to overcome these feelings? something that wakes you up in the middle of the night and causes you so much anxiety?

 

That's a pretty big hurdle. Regardless of whether you are justified or not, it is how you feel about it and brushing it away seems to have made it worse.

 

I think you're realizing this is too much for you.

 

Accepting his behavior is not a favor you are doing for him. When you love someone you accept them and they should expect you, too. Everyone deserves that. You're not the judge and jury. However, you do have every right to decide he is not for you for this or any other reason.

 

I agree with Lambert's post. And I do worry OP, that it may be coming from insecurity in some way, and that could transfer to other (future) men you're with.

 

I would figure out if it was me, and due to me feeling insecure about not comparing or having trouble understanding he had attachments other than you, or if it really was just this one man's past (an isolated incident). That way you can help yourself out for the future.

[boltnrun]

This is so concerning, that you feel a person who has casual sex is "so heartless, soulless and borderline traumatic". Why do you find it so threatening? Why this extreme reaction?

[pippy longstocking]

I have a bit of a strange request. I am currently in an LDR with someone who used to engage in casual sex and FWB. He's completely loyal and devoted to me and obviously gave all of that up once we got into a relationship. Personally I have very little sexual experience because I always figured it is something to be shared with someone special. And while I'm sure that I must have met people in my life who have engaged in casual sex, I've never met anyone who's admitted to it so it is a very 'out there' idea for me.

 

I've never understood how someone as sweet and caring as him could do something that seems so heartless, soulless and borderline traumatic.

 

If it helps to hear from someone who is ok with casual sex then here I am .... Some people do it , some people don't ...I have honestly never met anyone who hid it where as you have never met anyone who admitted it ..it isn't really a dirty secret and I wonder if you perceive it that way just because no one you know has enjoyed the simple life of sex and just enjoying your body and enjoying sex .

 

The bit I have put in bold is really really a step to far in my opinion ...heartless ..soulless ...borderline traumatic ? Wow my darling that is a whole lot of judgement and I do wonder what an earth has led you to think that . When two people meet and decide to have sex it is not heartless or soulless ...and I am not sure how it is borderline traumatic ....

 

You know it doesn't mean a person isn't loyal or devoted ...I am an older poster and in all my years of *sex * I have never been unfaithful , once I commit I am committed fully , with love , compassion , loyalty and devotion . It doesn't mean terrible things .

 

However that said ...maybe he just isn't the one for you ....so many come here unable to deal with a persons past and it is your right to walk away because you can't torment a person over what they cannot and shouldn't need to change ....and you shouldn't have to settle for someone whose past bothers you to these extremes .

[SherrySher]

We may not always see eye to eye on this subject, Pip, but that was a lovely post, truly. x

[reinventmyself]

We may not always see eye to eye on this subject, Pip, but that was a lovely post, truly. x

agreed. .very thoughtful response