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I have a bit of a strange request. I am currently in an LDR with someone who used to engage in casual sex and FWB. He's completely loyal and devoted to me and obviously gave all of that up once we got into a relationship. Personally I have very little sexual experience because I always figured it is something to be shared with someone special. And while I'm sure that I must have met people in my life who have engaged in casual sex, I've never met anyone who's admitted to it so it is a very 'out there' idea for me.

 

I've never understood how someone as sweet and caring as him could do something that seems so heartless, soulless and borderline traumatic. I was able to brush it aside for a long time but lately it is causing me a lot of anxiety. More often than not I spend most of the night lying awake with my heart racing, my mind continuously going over how someone so loving could do something like that. I can feel my stomach cramping up as I'm typing this.

 

He is perfect for me in every (other) way and I don't want to give him up, I've never felt as loved as I do today. I just desperately want to feel at peace with it. I've tried things like masturbating and picturing a random person is there with me, and in the moment itself it doesn't seem that terrible. My own hand, someone else's hand, whatever. But when night rolls around I picture this person I love with his hands all over someone whose name he barely even knows, only to never see them again, and I spend the next four hours tossing and turning. How can someone so wonderful share something so private with a stranger and not feel violated? How can our minds mesh so well except for this one thing?

 

I'm not entirely sure what I'm looking to hear, but I guess experiences from someone who's been in my position or someone who likes casual sex as well would be nice. I don't want to ask him about it too much because ultimately it's in his past, and because there's always a chance that what he says might trigger me. But some comforting words from someone who's not directly involved would be great.

 

I'm not religious so I don't have any specific reasons for feeling the way I feel about it. I'm open to having someone change my mind about it, but as of now I'm just not seeing it and the lack of sleep is affecting my ability to deal with life.

 

Another thing I should probably mention is that I don't have any issues with the relationships he's been in. Obviously it's not my favourite thing to think about, but it's not traumatic the way the casual stuff is.

 

Thank you so much in advance.

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Well to be honest not all casual sex or FWB is totally cold and heartless. It also doesn't make the people engaging in casual sex "bad" or incapable of love and committing to a relationship. Thinking that casual sex is bad is actually just your own person opinion. And you are allowed to have that opinion and can't help how you feel obviously.

 

You asked people to give their experience of FWB. I haven't actually had many one night stands or anything but I've had a couple of FWB. In my case it actually was actual friends, with the benefits. One of them went on for 2.5 years and this guy is actually one of my good friends for real. We have a real friendship and we hung out and did fun stuff together like going out places and road tripping. But we weren't in love with each other and not looking for the same things in a relationship. So we didn't commit to each other and were still free to see other people. The other guy I had FWB with was also my actual friend and we also hung out and went places. We've actually had a falling out since though.

 

I think it's OK to think whatever you happen to think about casual sex but the problem here is that your boyfriend's past is upsetting you and interfering with your relationship. He actually can't change his past so the only thing you can really do is accept it and accept your boyfriend for exactly who he is. If you can't move past it then how can you be with him?

 

It's OK to have your own values and beliefs but in my opinion casual sex is nor good, nor bad. It's just people's personal decision whether they're into it or not. Some perfectly nice people can engage in casual sex. I haven't done it much myself because I tend to catch feelings. My reason for doing it if I did is that I'm single, I find that person attractive and I enjoy sex with them. It doesn't mean I'm trying to just use them and treat them bad. I'm not like that.

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How long have you been dating? Have you met in person? How often do you see each other and have you been intimate with him yet?

 

Don't ask about people's past if all you are going to do is condemn and judge them with your high moral ground.

 

What you see is what you get. If you are jealous or contemptuous of his past, end it cleanly and kindly.

 

Then block and delete him.

 

Get on some quality/paid perhaps faith-based dating apps with a good profile and pics and start talking to Local men who have little or no premarital sexual experience and have more in common with you.

 

It's best not to discuss past sexual partners. That's really none of anyone's business.

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Have you met this person? Why is it an LDR and when will it change or when will you both be more local?

 

Slow down on the oversharing with each other.

 

Instead of forcing yourself to do these things please just take a deep breath. The heart of the matter is the LDR. What you need to do is ask yourself whether this is an LDR fantasy or whether you both actually do have a future together. LDRs don't flourish unless there is some end in sight to the distance and there's some understanding of the relationship progressing beyond the means you're now contacting or staying in touch.

 

I don't think it's casual sex that bothers you as much as it is your lack of experience, the oversharing and the nature of an LDR relationship that isn't helping to progress the physical intimacy or normal means of bonding that usually happens in a relationship. This isn't healthy in the long run. Do you think it will change?

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How long ago was it that he did these things? I always feel that people can change, and maybe he's not the same person as he was a few years ago.

 

But I also have been like you, and I have always tried to see the good in people and did my best to ignore what I felt was a red flag.

I am being honest with you, it never served me well. If something felt off, it usually was.

 

His moral compass and his ideas about sex and what it means to him, don't sound like they mesh with your ideas. I'm not saying this for every person out there, because I can't speak for everyone. But I do feel that those that can engage in sexual acts with a stranger, don't view sex as an intimate, loving act, as maybe some others do.

 

I can't recall the names right this second for people who only see sex as something to share with someone they love and feel that sex is meant for love and as an expression of love, but is it a personality type. This sounds like you.

 

Your boyfriend does not share the same type of personality. He views sex as an act more for pleasure and not so much love. He can separate the physical acts and any emotions tied to it.

 

If it bothers you that badly, then yes, you and he are not a match.

 

I want to be positive and uplifting, but I am being honest with you. I am more on the same wavelength as you when it comes to intimacy. I have tried to date men who were like your boyfriend and viewed sex as partially a loving act and partially something to do just for fun (depending on who he's doing it with). For me personally (maybe not everyone), but for me,...this type of man always came with loads of problems. From lying to cheating to low morals, disappointments, and heartache. I never had a happy ending with anyone that behaved as your boyfriend has behaved.

 

Not to say that it's like that for everyone and not to throw around blanket statements that those who engage in casual sex are this or that etc...but from my experience, it's always ended badly and I have always found out that my worst fears always came to light in the end.

 

Basically I (like you) so desperately wanted to see the good, that I forced things and tried to pretend the past didn't matter. But it always did.

Different things occurred that just proved more and more that their moral compass was no where near the same as mine. That their needs/wants and ideas about sex, did not match mine.

 

And those clashes kept on till we ended.

 

I'm sorry this isn't a positive post, but I am trying to give you an honest perspective on how my experiences went in this exact situation.

Edited by SherrySher
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Don't ask about people's past if all you are going to do is condemn and judge them with your high moral ground.

 

I'm not sure that she's judging or condemning anyone, she's just saying that the way she and her boyfriend perceive sex, has been vastly different.

 

As for 'high moral ground', again, she only mentioned what works best for her, and what's worrisome to her, not that it was better or worse. At least that's how it read to me.

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This is a pretty significant incompatibility, OP.

 

Your views on something as important as sex are miles apart. I'm not going to sugar-coat it - that's going to be a tough one to overcome. You are struggling with it to the extent that it's disrupting your life. I doubt you're going to somehow find a way to be okay with it.

 

As the others have asked, how often do you meet him in person, and how old are you both?

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At 30+ years old it's unrealistic to expect a large selection of virginal men, unless she is willing to find local available men through some sort of dating app that focuses on abstaining before marriage.

 

People don't need these details at 30+ years old. It's more important to find other areas of compatibility such as living in the same area.

 

As for 'high moral ground', again, she only mentioned what works best for her, and what's worrisome to her, not that it was better or worse. At least that's how it read to me.

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Slow down on the oversharing with each other.

 

Is there such a thing as oversharing? My husband and I have told each other everything, including our past and the worst of the worst.

It's never caused issues.

 

I think when you get to know someone, either it works (being honest with things), or it just doesn't.

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At 30+ years old it's unrealistic to expect a large selection of virginal men, unless she is willing to find local available men through some sort of dating app that focuses on abstaining before marriage.

 

Who said anything about virginal men? It is possible to find men who view sex as something that they only want to do with someone they love. They don't have to be virginal, or religious. Yes, they may be harder to find, but there are most definitely men out there like that. Not all men view sex as something to just have fun with whomever.

 

I think as human beings we are all curious as to what the person we are considering dating has experienced in the past in terms of intimacy or what they may or may not have done.

It can give better insight as to who they are or what their morals may or may not be like.

I'm not saying it's always helpful or even expected to openly talk about, but at some point the topic does seem to come up. I don't think it's the worst thing in the world to tell each other what you like to do or how you view sex or what you've done. It helps to see if you are compatible, or not compatible. What you're willing to do, or not do, what works for you and what doesn't. etc.

 

Again, just my opinion.

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Sherry, no offense, but you seem to be picking bits and pieces of people's overall posts for the sake of argument and it's out of context.

 

Is there such a thing as oversharing? My husband and I have told each other everything, including our past and the worst of the worst.

It's never caused issues.

 

I think when you get to know someone, either it works (being honest with things), or it just doesn't.

 

Yes, I can agree with this as a separate matter.

 

As a whole in this case regarding the OP's situation, I'm leaning with Wiseman's comment. This is the more important issue:

 

People don't need these details at 30+ years old. It's more important to find other areas of compatibility such as living in the same area.

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I'm very open-minded so not too much bothers me. For me this would not be an issue but I think the stand out theme here is different beliefs, values and lifestyles. Difference in those things can mean the relationship may not work out. I think whether casual sex is good or bad is subjective. People may have different ways they do casual sex. Some just come over, have sex, then straight away leave. To me that seems quite cold and like you just need a hole/penis lol But some people actually would have a friendship and respect with the person they're having casual sex with. Personally I want to get married and have kids. The only times (not that many) I did casual sex was because I was single and free to do so. It's not my main interest in life.

 

Again, all that doesn't really matter if OP just feels negatively about casual sex. I used to go to AA and at the end of the meeting you'd say the serenity prayer. "God, grant me the serenity to change the things I can, accept the things I can't, and the courage to know the difference." So basically because you can't change your boyfriend's past, so all you can do is accept it. If you can't accept then that's your choice but you can't blame him for it. He lived a certain life as a single man and no offence but he had the right to because he wasn't in a relationship. So he did nothing wrong.

 

You asked, how can someone so wonderful have done something so awful? A good person can do this because it's NOT awful. It's just enjoying sex with someone when you're not in a relationship with them. It doesn't make anyone a jerk.

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Sherry, no offense, but you seem to be picking bits and pieces of people's overall posts for the sake of argument and it's out of context.

 

Well Rose, you're wrong about what my intentions were/are.

 

I am not trying to pick things out for no reason. I am pointing out what I feel is important to point out. I pointed out two different things. In Wisemans post, I didn't feel that OP was being critical or that she was on her high moral ground. It didn't feel like it was a fair assessment.

 

I also don't feel that men who only want to sleep with someone they love, needs to be virginal, or religious.

 

And I was asking a genuine question, is there such a thing as oversharing? I am actually asking, because I shared everything and anything with my husband right from day one and we never ran into problems. In fact, we both really liked that we put all our cards on the table and were honest with one another.

It didn't seem like a bad thing to tell each other as much as possible. It helped heaps in helping to find out if we were compatible, or not.

 

I am sorry if you are taking my posts the wrong way, but I really do feel you are.

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I'm very open minded and when it came to a potential long term marriage partner I wanted someone with similar values. I did date and get involved with men who had had casual sex including one who had a lot of it and almost another guy too (but he pressured me too much to have casual sex so I ended it more than once before having sex). I wasn't comfortable with those values for purposes of a potential marriage partner. No judgment as to others in my life who have been promiscuous now or in the past - as long as they're single/not hurting anyone. And frankly a friend had an affair, then found out her husband was too after he filed for divorce. Didn't judge her either or think that she had poor values. But when it came to a serious relationship I strongly preferred someone who wasn't into casual sex. My husband isn't, I am not. It's not always "cold" or "heartless" of course and I wanted someone who believed sex was for committed serious relationships. I never thought I had to be "open minded" when it came to choosing a marriage partner to the extent of putting aside my values and standards in a long term partner.

 

Neither my husband or myself were "virginal" and we both had sex with other people only in the context of serious, committed relationships. Neither of us had had many partners as a result. We both had opportunities to have casual sex and we both declined. We didn't discuss much in detail at all but yes I know this.

 

If you are uncomfortable with his past and if his values justify having casual sex I don't think it's necessarily a fidelity issue (although the two men I dated who had a lot of partners each cheated and acted inapprorpriately when they met their spouses including with me) - but it might be a values/compatibility issue.

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What you believe about him, OP, that he is all so sweet, loving, kind, etc, etc, etc, doesn't match up with real life facts. The way he actually conducts his life in reality. Can you reconcile that? NO.

 

The reason you are losing sleep is because your gut instinct is ringing every alarm bell possible, trying to alert you to the fact that this man is not at all who you want or imagine or want to believe him to be. When you ignore your very own survival instincts telling you that you are walking down the wrong path, you will get hurt badly.

 

This isn't about debating whether casual sex is good or bad. This is about your instincts picking up on something that is causing you serious alarm and those instincts are never wrong. The worst thing you can do to yourself is fail to listen to your own gut telling you something is rotten about this guy.

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I'd also like to understand the nature of this LDR a bit more. How did you meet? How long have you been involved? How much time has been spent face to face? Are there any concrete plans to close the gap? I ask all this because, along with Rose, I can't help but see this as a potential issue here, maybe even the bigger issue with the casual sex/FWB stuff a proxy. When someone is more fantasy than reality, more abstract than actual, it's inevitable that everything "good" and "bad" glows brighter.

 

Which isn't to downplay the issue raised here, at all. To my eyes, if learning that someone has some experience with casual sex, had a FWB for a bit, or whatever, stirs words like "heartless," "soulless," and "borderline traumatic," I'd just be honest with yourself: not a match for you. Deep in my core, for instance, I probably level similar judgements toward some with certain political beliefs—while, yes, understanding they are just humans, beautiful humans, like me and you and everyone, and as such deserve to be loved, seen, heard, cherished. Just not going to be in my wheelhouse to offer. Too big a value gap.

 

Ask yourself: Is this too big a value gap? The answer should come swiftly, something in your gut. Listen to it. You'll thank yourself later.

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So you are stuck between a rock and a hard place...you finally meet someone who you could see a future with but his core sexual values differ from yours. We get threads like this all the time but usually it's the guy being upset that her GF's numbers are a little too high for his liking, etc. And of course they are torn about it.

 

I'm not going to downplay your feelings about this, they are valid. Yes everyone will say, just look at the person you have today, not the person they were before you met. Easier said than done right? Maybe talking it out with him will ease your anxiety..... work through it before you decide.

 

Me at my age and if I were single, yes I would have an issue with it too. Even tho I go by "whatever floats your boat", I say still not for me. I look at it as a part of that persons personality, and life choices...they don't match mine, I won't be dating them.

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How old is he now and when were these encounters? If he's in his 30s and these were high school/college encounters would that disturb you as much as if they happened shortly before you started talking?

I am currently in an LDR with someone who used to engage in casual sex and FWB.
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I have a bit of a strange request. I am currently in an LDR with someone who used to engage in casual sex and FWB. He's completely loyal and devoted to me and obviously gave all of that up once we got into a relationship. Personally I have very little sexual experience because I always figured it is something to be shared with someone special. And while I'm sure that I must have met people in my life who have engaged in casual sex, I've never met anyone who's admitted to it so it is a very 'out there' idea for me.

 

I've never understood how someone as sweet and caring as him could do something that seems so heartless, soulless and borderline traumatic. I was able to brush it aside for a long time but lately it is causing me a lot of anxiety. More often than not I spend most of the night lying awake with my heart racing, my mind continuously going over how someone so loving could do something like that. I can feel my stomach cramping up as I'm typing this.

 

He is perfect for me in every (other) way and I don't want to give him up, I've never felt as loved as I do today. I just desperately want to feel at peace with it. I've tried things like masturbating and picturing a random person is there with me, and in the moment itself it doesn't seem that terrible. My own hand, someone else's hand, whatever. But when night rolls around I picture this person I love with his hands all over someone whose name he barely even knows, only to never see them again, and I spend the next four hours tossing and turning. How can someone so wonderful share something so private with a stranger and not feel violated? How can our minds mesh so well except for this one thing?

 

I'm not entirely sure what I'm looking to hear, but I guess experiences from someone who's been in my position or someone who likes casual sex as well would be nice. I don't want to ask him about it too much because ultimately it's in his past, and because there's always a chance that what he says might trigger me. But some comforting words from someone who's not directly involved would be great.

 

I'm not religious so I don't have any specific reasons for feeling the way I feel about it. I'm open to having someone change my mind about it, but as of now I'm just not seeing it and the lack of sleep is affecting my ability to deal with life.

 

Another thing I should probably mention is that I don't have any issues with the relationships he's been in. Obviously it's not my favourite thing to think about, but it's not traumatic the way the casual stuff is.

 

Thank you so much in advance.

 

So I was a lot like you I think... virginal and waiting to have sex until marriage. My husband was a player type, but also very kind-hearted and liked me for a year before we actually went together, and during that year he changed his behaviors from using women for sex, to actually thinking about his future. I saw him volunteering, helping people and youth and elderly, and I fell for his character (even though at first he was so handsome I actually got distracted when talking to him!).

 

Men can change... especially when they find a woman (like you maybe?) that helps them give up their using women. In large part, my husband was never ever taught to have values regarding sex... his parents never explained any of that to him. Before I even dated him, we talked a ton about values and such, and I eventually could trust he really was a changed man. And he's never cheated or been inappropriate in our 13.5 years so he did change (and became a true Christian). He reads his Bible even more than I do, and I've been a Christian much longer!!!

 

So people really can change. I wouldn't advise dating TO change a man, that doesn't work out usually, but if you watch his behavior overtime, carefully guarding your heart and you STILL find he's good and has good character, THEN let his past go! It's in the past and if he's with you now, that's all that should matter if you really love him.

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If it's a LDR though, and you don't get to meet enough in real life to even know he's changed and you both have similar values, then I'm not sure how you could trust him enough to be with him.

 

He could be playing you, and still keeping a FWB on the side... if your anxiety is about not being able to trust him, you'd be served better by dating someone you see more often and can tell who they really are over a year's time or something longer (if they had different values in the past).

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Reading your other threads you seem to over think things like many of us do.

 

I agree with Bluecastle that your labeling of how he lived his life before he met you was pretty harsh. I would infer that you see anyone that has had casual sex in that same light. You are judging him with no real knowledge of the situations. Someone said he was using women for sex as if he lied and cheated his way into bed with them. We don't know that and from what you described the guy seems pretty open and honest. Just because a man or woman has sex outside of a relationship does not make them better or worse than someone that waits for marriage or a long term relationship before being intimate. It simply makes them different, not bad or good.

 

If you are losing this much sleep, you are physically ill from allowing his past to engulf your every waking moment then the choice is pretty clear. End the relationship and hope to find a guy that meets your standards.

 

You have every right to not want to be with someone for what ever reason you choose but don't label them a bad person in the past when you have no idea of who they were back then and how they handled themselves.

 

He had a different view of sex than you in the past and that is a deal breaker for you. It sucks but it is that simple.

 

Lost

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I understand the difference in values. You are totally entitled to have questions and concerns how others view sex differently than you do. It's neither right or wrong, just merely a difference.

 

A large number of people are able to participate in fwb relationships. I can think of a couple of my friends who do. They have fond, friendly feelings for their friends. They operate under the upmost respect. The only difference is the absense of the expectation that you are tied to each other or obligated in a relationship sort of way.

 

What strikes me in your post is the wording you choose when you describe the violating acts your boyfriend participate in. To voilate someone would be to force someone to do something against their will. To be traumatized as result of it is the same thing.

 

I am not telling how you should feel or to change your values.

I am just questioning the way in which you view sex and the heavy words you chose to describe the acts your boyfriend participated in. There appears to be alot of shame in the how you view sex and the words you chose.

 

I am pretty sure my bf participated in a fwb situation at some point in his life. That's just not information that is pertinent to my relationship with him today. Somethings, I believe we just keep to ourselves. But that's just me.

Edited by reinventmyself
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If you are losing this much sleep, you are physically ill from allowing his past to engulf your every waking moment then the choice is pretty clear. End the relationship and hope to find a guy that meets your standards.

 

You have every right to not want to be with someone for what ever reason you choose but don't label them a bad person in the past when you have no idea of who they were back then and how they handled themselves.

 

He had a different view of sex than you in the past and that is a deal breaker for you. It sucks but it is that simple.

 

Lost

 

I like what Lost said... but everyone has a past, even, "virginal," people have something in the past more than likely that the OP would have to accept eventually. If you're looking for someone to be utterly perfect, a man to have zero history romantically, that's just unrealistic. Even a virginal man will have had crushes and experiences probably that could also make her feel insecure or bad about the situation. I think her concerns are largely coming from a place of insecurity, but I could be wrong on that. Even a man who meets your standards sexually could be problematic in other ways (virginity because of other things wrong). Nothing is going to be perfect, even if your values add up. At some point, you have to be able to accept someone's past and be at peace with it, or just move on like Lost said.

 

I didn't care about my husband's past because I felt secure enough that he was done with it, and into me now.

 

OP are you worried about his past because you feel like you won't be able to compare in some way or something? I've always heard it's not good to try to imagine your man's past... some women do obsess over that due to feeling insecure, but even with a virginal man who just had a really strong crush could make a woman insecure if she obsessed over it like that.

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Yes. MB. I was thinking just what you are saying here.

 

"OP are you worried about his past because you feel like you won't be able to compare in some way or something? I've always heard it's not good to try to imagine your man's past... some women do obsess over that due to feeling insecure,

 

And I fully agree with Lost.

 

"We don't know that and from what you described the guy seems pretty open and honest. Just because a man or woman has sex outside of a relationship does not make them better or worse than someone that waits for marriage or a long term relationship before being intimate. It simply makes them different, not bad or good.

"

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I understand the difference in values. You are totally entitled to have questions and concerns how others view sex differently than you do. It's neither right or wrong, just merely a difference.

 

A large number of people are able to participate in fwb relationships. I can think of a couple of my friends who do. They have fond, friendly feelings for their friends. They operate under the upmost respect. The only difference is the absense of the expectation that you are tied to each other or obligated in a relationship sort of way.

 

What strikes me in your post is the wording you choose when you describe the violating acts your boyfriend participate in. To voilate someone would be to force someone to do something against their will. To be traumatized as result of it is the same thing.

 

I am not telling how you should feel or to change your values.

I am just questioning the way in which you view sex and the heavy words you chose to describe the acts your boyfriend participated in. There appears to be alot of shame in the how you view sex and the words you chose.

 

I am pretty sure my bf participated in a fwb situation at some point in his life. That's just not information that is pertinent to my relationship with him today. Somethings, I believe we just keep to ourselves. But that's just me.

 

I also found the wording quite strong, possibly due to the OP's anxiety. Trying to force one's self to do anything or imagine anything so terrible seems counterproductive to a loving or healthy relationship. I jive with Bluecastle's overall commentary and agree with your comments too.

 

This is why the nature of the LDR or that gap in intimacy doesn't appear healthy overall or helpful to the OP herself. I'm not very interested in a moral discussion of values or beliefs, personally. I see the value in it but the overall tone of shaming anyone doesn't sit well with me, regardless of personal choices. If you can unlock that or tap into what those great fears or triggers are for you, OP, perhaps you'll find partners who are not only local but able to foster a deeper intimacy and trust.

 

You have one life to live. Don't waste it suffering and squirming in agony... this is beyond words for me and I cannot imagine why you would put yourself through so much turmoil but also understand that not all of us live happy-go-lucky or a carefree existence. Pick people and places and events that open you up for choices and feeling good, not this. Hope you do feel better soon or are able to speak with your partner about eventually moving to something more local at the very least.

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