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Does this shy girl really like me or does she hate me and think I’m a creep?


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I work with this very shy girl and she’s extremely confusing and hard to read.

 

We sit near each other and she stares at me all the time. Like ALL the time. From where I sit I can clearly see her in my side vision, without looking directly at her, and she’s constantly staring at me.

 

When she gets up from her desk, when she sits back down, when she walks to the printer, when she gets a coffee, or whatever, she sneaks glances or just outright stares at me. And if I look up and catch her eye, she’ll often hold my gaze or will sometimes blush and look away.

 

It’s so frequent that when she stares over at me recently, her colleagues who face her will see her staring and then turn all the way around to see what she keeps looking at.

 

So far so good. But whenever we get up close, it all changes.

 

If we walk by each other in the office and she sees me coming, she’ll look away like I’m not there and will walk right by me without saying anything. And if we both get up from our desks at the same time and start walking to the same place (coffee machine or whatever) she’ll hold back and wait until I’ve done what I needed to do and have left before she then goes over to the same place.

 

And when I try to talk to her, she’s super quiet and aloof and only gives me short answers. She generally seems bored by me, has no expression on her face and will make no effort to talk with me. I’ll ask how her day’s going and she’ll say “okay”. I’ll ask what her plans are for the weekend and she’ll say “not much”. And she never asks anything about me.

 

Sometimes she’s even actively cold and rude to me. She will cross her arms, glare at me when I’m talking to her and seem genuinely pi**ed at me. And all I’m doing is trying to have a friendly chat with her.

 

But then when I realise I’m getting nowhere and I say “well I guess I’d better get back to my desk before this coffee gets cold” or whatever, her face changes and her cold and hostile demeanour immediately vanishes and all of a sudden she looks very sad and vulnerable as if she was enjoying me talking to her, or like she either doesn’t understand why I’m leaving or is upset at herself that she’s driving me away. It's so confusing.

 

Then we get back to our desks and she’s right back to gazing at me for the rest of the day, until the next time we see each other around the office and she again ignores me or gives me the cold shoulder.

 

But when she chats to other guys, she’s fine. Friendly, chatty and engaging. She’s still very shy, but she’s at least sociable with them.

 

To give some context about me, I’ve always been told I’m a good looking guy and I’m very friendly, outgoing and socially confident. I get on well with everyone in the office and many of my female colleagues have told me straight-up that they love working with me and that they always look forward to when we’re paired up on projects.

 

When we DM about work stuff, they always say they miss me when we’re not working together and put loads of kisses in their messages. They also say things like they can’t wait until “we’re together again” when they talk about our upcoming projects, so there’s always a lot of easy and fun communication going on.

 

I’ve also always had a successful dating and sex life and have been in some great and very healthy long-term relationships. And all of my best friends throughout my life are female, so I’m fairly sure I’m not just some creepy incel weirdo who can’t talk to women and who women want to avoid.

 

Except for this one person, who makes me wonder if I totally am that kind of guy.

 

So what’s her deal? Why does she stare all the time and seem sad when I end conversations if she’s not attracted to me? But why does she also give me such rude and hostile treatment if she does like me? I’ve never dated a shy person and none of my social circle are shy people, so maybe this is common behaviour, but I have no clue and certainly can’t understand her.

 

She’s so beautiful and when I hear her talking to other people she seems very smart, funny, sweet and kind. But I never get to see that side of her, except from a distance. And I don’t want to keep trying to get to know her if she really dislikes me, but I also don’t want to give up if she does like me and just needs time to feel confident enough to open up and feel okay talking to me.

 

Thanks for any advice you can give me.

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You know what it's like when you really like someone, you get all weird around them, and look away when they notice you staring at them right? Try your best to make her feel comfortable around you. Just be laid back, calm and friendly. Eventually she will relax and enjoy your company.

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Do you have a crush on her? Are you dating any women right now? What comes to mind from your description is: she has a BF, doesn't date coworkers, or is simply noticing your vibe and doesn't want to engage that because she's not interested.

 

Keep in mind the workplace is not a singles club so the staring, glancing, reading and deciphering isn't appropriate, so all the PUA/manoshere/reddit red pill stuff isn't for the workplace. . . Be polite professional, no person questions, etc.

I work with this very shy girl and she’s extremely confusing and hard to read.

 

when I try to talk to her, she’s super quiet and aloof and only gives me short answers. She generally seems bored by me, has no expression on her face and will make no effort to talk with me. I’ll ask how her day’s going and she’ll say “okay”. I’ll ask what her plans are for the weekend and she’ll say “not much”.

 

When we DM about work stuff, they always say they miss me when we’re not working together and put loads of kisses in their messages. They also say things like they can’t wait until “we’re together again” when they talk about our upcoming projects, so there’s always a lot of easy and fun communication going on.

 

I’m fairly sure I’m not just some creepy incel weirdo

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Could be what smackie suggested.

 

Could be also that sometimes people appear to be staring when in fact they aren't looking at anything or anyone in particular, rather just lost in thought and you happen to be in their line of sight. Since you have such a crush on her, you might be reading more into things than you should be. What you describe from her behavior when you do try to talk to her, it sounds like she doesn't care for you much. She doesn't seem very shy either.

 

You are coming across a bit over the top intense though, OP. Micro analyzing her every move, face expression and gesture. If she senses that, she might even get creeped out. Dial it back.

 

If you want to delve into office romances (not recommended), then ask her to join you for lunch or coffee or something and try to get to know her that way. Find out if she is even single or willing to get involved with a coworker. She might not be and her cold body language might be her trying to tell you to back off. Usually people can see when someone has a huge crush on them even if you don't actually say anything.

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If other women don't have an issue with you then I doubt it is you in particular.

 

Maybe she freezes up when you get close.

 

Why don't you just man up and ask her to lunch. Pretty safe bet and if she says no thanks then you tried and couldn't break through. Even if she likes you and she cannot bring herself to accept a lunch offer then it is on her, not you.

 

I agree with Wiseman though, office dating is a tightrope with a lot of dangers. Be sure you don't break any HR rules and if she declines your lunch offer then take that as a hard no and ignore her stares.

 

Lost

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Okay. Very awkward. Don't approach her anymore or put her on the spot. Say hello and good morning (however you might greet your other colleagues). And if you're leaving for the day, treat her like everyone else. Not everyone is comfortable with one on one or being approached. Whether she's shy or repulsed or just unsure about you, it's her prerogative but pursuing it or continue to pressure her to have conversations outside of one or two line emails or verbal confirmations at work probably isn't a good idea. Testing her reactions is no good.

 

I also thought for a moment that she may be trying to play a role of fitting in like the rest of you (you and your other colleagues) but she really can't stand you or the work environment. Unless someone offers positive commentary or approaches you in a similar fashion and the air is clear, keep to yourself and don't let this bother you.

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I think you may be imagining her interest. Because you say you are very handsome and other women fawn on you, you interpret her behavior through that lens. She MUST be totally enamoured than you and just so nervous around you. Íhe may find you creepy, or he just doesn't really think about you much at all, so its odd to her that you hang around her desk

 

But then when I realise I’m getting nowhere and I say “well I guess I’d better get back to my desk before this coffee gets cold” or whatever, her face changes and her cold and hostile demeanour immediately vanishes and all of a sudden she looks very sad and vulnerable as if she was enjoying me talking to her, or like she either doesn’t understand why I’m leaving or is upset at herself that she’s driving me away. It's so confusing.

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Thanks everyone. How many of you consider yourselves to be very shy and socially awkward people, particularly towards those you have a crush on? I’m interested to know if your advice is coming from a place of direct personal experience.

 

Something I also didn’t mention is that she’s not always cold towards me. There are many exceptions but they’re generally not the rule.

 

One example is when we were supposed to work on a project together. When I told her about the project she didn’t react in any way but when I said it was me she would be working with one-on-one for four months, she was immediately and openly very happy and excited. The project fell through unfortunately, so we didn’t do it.

 

That’s the confusing part. So much of how she interacts with me is like every woman who’s liked me and I’ve went on to date, but so much is also the opposite. I always find it very easy to tell when someone is attracted to me or isn’t, but I’ve never met someone who is such a mix of both. But I’ve also never met anyone as shy as her. That’s why I wondered if this was a shy person thing and why I chose this forum.

 

One of you mentioned that she doesn’t sound shy and that maybe she’s not staring at me, but she definitely is. She’s well known in the office for her shyness and her staring is so obvious and constant that there really is no mistaking it.

 

And someone else said I may be bugging her by hanging around her desk but I don’t hang around her desk. Far from it. Our interactions are only ever when we bump into each other at the water cooler or whatever. I never seek her out and never have.

 

The same goes for all my colleagues. I only seek people out if I need to discuss work things. Other than that, we only socially interact when they initiate contact with me or if we end up in the same place at the same time around the office.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Thanks everyone. How many of you consider yourselves to be very shy and socially awkward people, particularly towards those you have a crush on? I’m interested to know if your advice is coming from a place of direct personal experience.

 

Something I also didn’t mention is that she’s not always cold towards me. There are many exceptions but they’re generally not the rule.

 

One example is when we were supposed to work on a project together. When I told her about the project she didn’t react in any way but when I said it was me she would be working with one-on-one for four months, she was immediately and openly very happy and excited. The project fell through unfortunately, so we didn’t do it.

 

That’s the confusing part. So much of how she interacts with me is like every woman who’s liked me and I’ve went on to date, but so much is also the opposite. I always find it very easy to tell when someone is attracted to me or isn’t, but I’ve never met someone who is such a mix of both. But I’ve also never met anyone as shy as her. That’s why I wondered if this was a shy person thing and why I chose this forum.

 

One of you mentioned that she doesn’t sound shy and that maybe she’s not staring at me, but she definitely is. She’s well known in the office for her shyness and her staring is so obvious and constant that there really is no mistaking it.

 

And someone else said I may be bugging her by hanging around her desk but I don’t hang around her desk. Far from it. Our interactions are only ever when we bump into each other at the water cooler or whatever. I never seek her out and never have.

 

The same goes for all my colleagues. I only seek people out if I need to discuss work things. Other than that, we only socially interact when they initiate contact with me or if we end up in the same place at the same time around the office.

 

If i may be honest here -- you are viewing this as women as a default are attracted to you.

 

Instead of treating her as a conquest of sorts - trying to put her in the category of "women who are attracted to you", why not stop thinking about what she does or what she might think and focus on women who you get along very effortlessly with and there is give and take to your interactions -- women who don't work with you and give you the green light

 

I could be shy or at least, didn't talk a lot when i was younger but i did when it was important -- i guess i was more "not talking excessively". I would converse easily with some people. If there was a guy i liked, i would admit that i would come up with things in my mind on what i was going to say or do in front of him and it wound up very embarrassing -- and none of what i did was remotely anything like what she is doing. I will say i was only weird with guys i just happened to see one or two times and had a crush on - not a guy i regularly saw at work, class, etc.

 

some people stare because they are just very awkward people.

 

So i suggest that unless she gives you a clear sign of interest (asking what you are doing this weekend and saying "i have always wanted to try that" when you tell her ) i would stop trying to unlock the puzzle.

 

I know -- it may be hard to believe there is a woman out there who is not starstruck by you and wants you -- but they are out there.

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I really appreciated your comment right up until the last line where your anger and passive aggressiveness kicked in. There’s really no need to project your problems onto me.

 

And if that’s your read of everything that I said, despite how clear I was more than once about everyone who’s never been remotely attracted to me then god bless you.

 

Thanks again everyone for all your advice. I really appreciate your time. I guess I'll just keep being kind and friendly to her as always and see how things work out.

 

Have a great week.

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