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Friendship, sex and parents


Misguided247
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Okay so let me begin at the beginning:

About 4 years ago I reconnected with a childhood friend. I was already in a 8 years relationship that I believed was rocky but worth fixing. So, reconnecting with this friend was just that catching up with an old friend. He pushed to make it something more than what it was in the beginning. Of course like clockwork My rocky relationship was on the off again and I seemed comfort in my friend. Before diving into anything with the friend I stated boundaries that I wanted because I knew just like the off/ on again times we would be on again it was just a matter of how long this time. This time the off lasted a full year and the friend and I got pretty close sexually that is. He would come to my house often out of a month.

Going into our 2nd year together my ex and I reconnected again and I decided to cut all ties with my friend also because he was a when things didn’t go his way. Well I was back with my ex for 3 months when we went off again which would be our final off/ on dance. Well, this off came in December which I again rebounded back to my friend. I was out of town for the holidays about to return to my home when the friend and I made plans for him to meet me at my door step as soon as my plane lands ( something he was used to doing even walked 3.5 miles to my house in both extreme heat and chilling winter weathers) and he was only too happy to oblige my request.

Now here’s the juicy story:

Whenever my friend and I would have sex he would take the protection with him to dispose of the material properly. During our year together we had unprotected sex once and we both agreed to no do again. He always knew I wanted to have kids but we both knew that our friendship and situationship also that fact that he has 3 kids by 3 different women made me not want any kids with him at all.

Well during this December travels back home the friend met me on my door step and of course we had sex. We would see each 2 more times in December. By now My monthly was due to come on the 27th of December but it hadn’t appeared by December 31st. Nervously I confront my friend and ask him did we use protection? I couldn’t remember if I saw a wrapper or him dispose of the material like always. He assured me that we used protection and he even suggested that I should contact my ex whom I last slept with a month prior in November( 17). By 1/1 it was confirmed that my late period was due to the fact that I was indeed pregnant. I again returned to my friend and asked him if he was 100% sure he used protection. This would go on for a total of 9 months of him saying he did use protection and that the baby couldn’t be his. I assumed that my ex was the father even going as far as to give my son my ex name. When my baby turned 1.5 I decided to do a dna test because I couldn’t see my ex in my baby. Well low and behold the test came back positive that my son was my friend’s baby. How if you used protection? How if you assured me that you used protection? How if you assured me for 9 months that we used protection?

I feel trapped in a situation that I never wanted for myself of my child. I’m now the 4th baby mother with the 4th son( he has all boys) of my friend who was a childhood friend of mine. Who’s best friend was my first love when we were kids who also took my virginity when we were younger!!! Now reading this we all messed up in this situation.

Now I’m trying to co-parent with my friend but all he wants is to give me money for my son. He never physically saw my son in person at all and he only sent 90 dollars thus far. Now he’s accusing me of wanting a relationship with him. Which is a big lie.

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You need a lawyer, if you don't already have one. He owes his son child support.

 

As far as protection, I have to say that I am more than a little confused about how you don't know whether or not he used a condom. Usually it's quite obvious when you need to pause for a few moments to open one and put it on. How did you miss this?

 

While what's done is done and he indeed sounds like a , you could have been a lot more responsible for your own role in this too. Now you simply have to pull up your socks and do what is best for the baby, which may involve the courts.

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He didn't necessarily lie. Condoms have been known to fail. The chance is very small (3%) but it HAS been known to happen. I know of a married couple who had a 4rth child unplanned because of that and they are some of the most responsible people I know. In any case, relying solely on condoms was taking a chance. You should have got yourself on birth control on top of using condoms if you felt so opposed to the risk of having a child with this man, and even then there would still be a small chance of getting pregnant. As you acknowledged, you both messed up in this situation and blaming him about the use of protection at this point is totally useless. Imo, it's best to acknowledge that you are both responsible about the failure regarding using adequate protection and stop wasting your mental energy on how it happened.

 

It is also totally useless fixating on his having three other baby momas. They are not the problem at this point. The father of your child not contributing sufficiently financially to your son's upbringing is. Your top priority is your son. It sounds like you need to settle formally through the legal system of your country what his financially responsibilities actually are and stick to that. As for the rest, unfortunately you can not force him to be involved in your son's life but you CAN build a safe life for your son and make sure that your child knows that you love him. Fretting on this man's thoughts and accusations is a waste of energy. Other than securing child support, there is no point in trying to convince him of anything. You cannot control other people's thoughts and feelings. Let the rest go and focus on taking care of your son and making sure that your child feels loved by you, as that's what really matters and one thing that you can actually control. Good luck.

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With your DNA results, get an official paternity hearing. Go to court on behalf of your child and file for child support.

 

Child support is the law. He will have to support his child or face legal consequences.

 

You don't need a lawyer you need to file the appropriate paperwork with the courts on behalf of your child . The child has legal rights you need to procure as the parent.

 

This has nothing to do with your relationship with him.

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Paternity has been established, which is far and away the biggest obstacle to having child support ordered. From there, it's pretty much algorithmic. You need to go file for it.

 

I just feel bad for the dude who was told the newborn kid was his for 1.5 years despite you knowing you were sexually active with another man in that time. I can't even imagine.

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Did you not know condoms are nt 100% foolproof?

 

 

This guy owes child support til the child is 18. See a lawyer and get that sorted out and started.

 

Did you tell your ex he is not the father?

 

 

 

 

Yes I did know that they aren’t 100% fool proof but I didn’t think he wouldn’t use one after we spoke on not wanting any kids together. At first I didn’t want to put him or the other guy on child support but I’m seeing now that it’s wise to file a petition and let the courts handle the matter.

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Did you not know condoms are nt 100% foolproof?

 

 

This guy owes child support til the child is 18. See a lawyer and get that sorted out and started.

 

Did you tell your ex he is not the father?

 

With your DNA results, get an official paternity hearing. Go to court on behalf of your child and file for child support.

 

Child support is the law. He will have to support his child or face legal consequences.

 

You don't need a lawyer you need to file the appropriate paperwork with the courts on behalf of your child . The child has legal rights you need to procure as the parent.

 

This has nothing to do with your relationship with him.

 

 

Thank you so much for your feedback. I really appreciate you all for taking the time to help me clear my head of this situation. I think my 20 plus year long friendship made me not want to put him on child support but I’m seeing that like his other three baby mamas I should fall in line as well and get it done. At least for my son sake!!!

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I think you are putting too much stock and emphasis on a childhood friend. Even giving the benefit of the doubt, about the condom and accepting this pregnancy was an accident, he is not a good man.

 

He has 4 children and I am taking from what you wrote, about getting in line, with the other mothers, he is not paying for any of them. Is this the case?

 

this is not a choice. he should be providing for all of his children.

 

it means nothing he walked in the heat, cold, rain... sex is a great motivation. And the fact that your first love was his best friend... none of this means anything. This guy is a selfish man.

 

Why would you deny your own child, to benefit this guy?

 

Is there any hope or talk that at some point your son will know his brothers? I realize you're looking at this from your life and perspective but your child is a person, too. He has to live his life and has a history that he will have to understand and come to terms with.

 

It can be very difficult for a child to understand all of this.... And if the guy wants nothing to do with him? He will have to come to terms with becoming a man without a dad.

 

This is a lot. I would take this guy to every court in the land. it might have started by meaningless sex, but there's a baby and a little life that deserves better. And I would not stand silently by while my child is treated like some after thought.

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I think you are putting too much stock and emphasis on a childhood

friend. Even giving the benefit of the doubt, about the condom and accepting this pregnancy was an accident, he is not a good man.

 

He has 4 children and I am taking from what you wrote, about getting in line, with the other mothers, he is not paying for any of them. Is this the case?

 

this is not a choice. he should be providing for all of his children.

 

it means nothing he walked in the heat, cold, rain... sex is a great motivation. And the fact that your first love was his best friend... none of this means anything. This guy is a selfish man.

 

Why would you deny your own child, to benefit this guy?

 

Is there any hope or talk that at some point your son will know his brothers? I realize you're looking at this from your life and perspective but your child is a person, too. He has to live his life and has a history that he will have to understand and come to terms with.

 

It can be very difficult for a child to understand all of this.... And if the guy wants nothing to do with him? He will have to come to terms with becoming a man without a dad.

 

This is a lot. I would take this guy to every court in the land. it might have started by meaningless sex, but there's a baby and a little life that deserves better. And I would not stand silently by while my child is treated like some after thought.

 

 

 

 

Thank you for your feedback. I’m really loving how you all are giving me your opinion even if it’s good or bad. I agree with you saying that he must support his child. And you’re also right it doesn’t matter about us and our past. I’ve never imagined myself in a predicament like this so I’m trying to make the best of a bad situation. I have my family and my son’s god mother here with me who help me raise him. For 2 years of my son life he hasn’t wanted for anything the only thing lacking is his father.

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Wait, so this ex still thinks the baby is his, even though you

know it's not?

 

I am still confused as to how you didn't notice whether a condom was even used to begin with.

 

Yes, the other guy thinks it’s his son but he only saw my son twice and he likes to just boast to his friends that he’s his father. The only thing is he hasn’t even given a dollar or did anything for my son so he knowing his not the father is really no important cause he hasn’t done anything even if he was his father.

Now the condom lol I REALLY REALLY didn’t know that he had it off. He must have slipped it off quickly during the act.

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Thank you for your feedback. I’m really loving how you all are giving me your opinion even if it’s good or bad. I agree with you saying that he must support his child. And you’re also right it doesn’t matter about us and our past. I’ve never imagined myself in a predicament like this so I’m trying to make the best of a bad situation. I have my family and my son’s god mother here with me who help me raise him. For 2 years of my son life he hasn’t wanted for anything the only thing lacking is his father.

 

My opinion isn't meant to be good or bad. I'm sure you are trying to make best of the situation and it is no doubt tough. And a sweet little baby is a blessing no matter what.

 

I'm trying to point out, the things and the questions this child is going to have and the impacts made to his self image, self esteem, self worth.... and how he may feel, wanting to know his dad and brothers. Its a big gap.

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My opinion isn't meant to be good or bad. I'm sure you are trying

to make best of the situation and it is not doubt tough. And a sweet little baby is a blessing no matter what.

 

I'm trying to point out, the things and the questions this child is going to have and the impacts made to his self image, self esteem, self worth and all those things that we all, deal with.

 

 

 

I understand completely. I had my father in my life on and off but I knew of him and he’s trying to do better for his grandchildren. I just wanted the same if not better for my child. But, I have to find out how to contact someone in the child support office of my state during this COVID pandemic to even fully open the case.

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I understand completely. I had my father in my life on and off but I knew of him and he’s trying to do better for his grandchildren. I just wanted the same if not better for my child. But, I have to find out how to contact someone in the child support office of my state during this COVID pandemic to even fully open the case.

 

I wish you the best... I hope the dad grows up and soon. I can appreciate you're trying you're best.

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