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Sad, scared, depressed and need help thinking this through


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I just need some fresh eyes on this because I am pretty upset and depressed and in a tail spin.

 

My daughter, grandson and I rented a home together to cut back on expenses. We had spoken about buying a home together but wanted to wait a year or two to get some money saved for a down payment. At the time, she just started a new job in town and it was a great job at that. I was working Full Time too.

 

We've lived here for 2 years now and its actually been okay. Its been nice for me to have people around and spend time with my grandson that is now a young teen. When it was time to sign our new lease she told me she didn't want to stay here for another year. I asked her why and she mumbled something about a house and you won't be on the deed. I said oh why? She decided that she is buying a home on her own. I was in shock. I got very emotional and started to cry a little and she said Don't be so dramatic. Really? Of course I'm upset! She told me

i'm a big girl and Ill figure it out. I had no idea she wasn't happy here. She never told me she had any issues with me and really I'm pretty quiet and keep to myself an work around her schedule.

 

Long story short, I lost my job due to Covid. I'm looking for work but at my age (60) its been difficult. So right now is the worst time for me to find a new place to live. Yea, I can get roommates here, but I really don't want to live with strangers and worry about all that comes with roommates and the rent is very high for one person.

 

So then she tells me I can rent a room from her temporarily until I get my inheritance, which will be here in January, fingers crossed So I'm like OK, that sounds good, so I relax. Then she starts looking at multi family places to buy, so that's even better as I could have my own place and she hers, but share the ownership, then she decides against that, then she decides she isn't going to buy right now, the she changes her mind and starts looking again. So, she came home this week and said, don't freak out, I put a offer on a place and its probably going to go through. Great! I think at least I can rent a room temporarily and it will be okay for awhile. NOPE! She said, you don't want to move twice, so you should stay here until end of January and once you get your money find your own place. I was thinking about buying a mobile home, but they are very complicated with buying the mobile, then renting the space, which in our town is just as expensive as rent.

 

So she is basically is running the show and making my life a roller coaster ride. I feel like she just is so cold and not very understanding of others feelings. I would not do this to her at all. It would of been better if she would of communicated to me when she made that decision to not buy a house with me, so I could of not been blindsided. She did tell me that since covid, she hasn't invited anyone here because I said she couldn't. I never said that. I think at the beginning I said we need to be careful because I am older and her son has asthma and allergies and other stuff going on, so we are both a bit more vulnerable. I never said she couldn't invite people over, and she never talk to me about that.

 

So how in the heck am I going to find an apartment or granny unit to rent with no job, unemployment pays crap. I am looking for a job, every day submitting applications, calling recruiters. I can't take a minimum wage job because its worse then unemployment pay. It has to be a decent paying job or I won't qualify for a rental. Our housing for lower wages has a long list, so they can't help me right now either. I feel scared, sad and very unset.

 

There's more, but that's the short story. Any insights? Any other points of view welcome. Thank you!

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My guess is she didn't communicate with you concerning issues she was having living with you and didn't communicate when she needed space or wanted to have people over -so this is the cowardly way out -she can just wash her hands of it and blithely say she bought a place. I'm sorry you're in such a tough situation. Are there any friends/family you can move in with temporarily?

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My friend offered me to stay in her place temporarily, and I may have to take her up on it. Ill be couch surfing there, so will have to rent a storage unit to put all my stuff in and only take a suitcase or two.

 

I agree. Communication is key in any relationship. Our relationship will be forever changed. Never will I ever do this again.

 

 

My guess is she didn't communicate with you concerning issues she was having living with you and didn't communicate when she needed space or wanted to have people over -so this is the cowardly way out -she can just wash her hands of it and blithely say she bought a place. I'm sorry you're in such a tough situation. Are there any friends/family you can move in with temporarily?
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My friend offered me to stay in her place temporarily, and I may have to take her up on it. Ill be couch surfing there, so will have to rent a storage unit to put all my stuff in and only take a suitcase or two.

 

I agree. Communication is key in any relationship. Our relationship will be forever changed. Never will I ever do this again.

 

I'm so sorry you're in this situation!

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Wow. I'm so sorry. I hope you can tell her exactly how you feel.

If the tables were turned and it was your personal desire to move alone, you wouldnt put your daughter in a compromising situation like this. Certainly not without a conversation.

The fact she wasn't transparent about it shows she knew it would be awkward. If was on the up and up she wouldn't hesitate to talk to you about it.

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Exactly. A conversation would of been nice. I told her this is the worst time for me, but she only says, get room mates here. The big girl reference was really a put off. I'm her mom, not a stranger. No I would never ever do this to her. I would of talked to her about it, gave her some time to find a place or a job and then buy a home. I don't think I've ever been in a place where I didn't have a home to lay my head or a job. These are tough times for a lot of people, shes just lucky she was not laid off and has such a high paying job.

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Definitely stop pinning your accomodation plans on her, she has shown consistently she is an unreliable actor.

 

My 2 cents is if you already have a house, get a roommate (if you are willing to share the house in its entirety and allow someone else to make it their home). Or a boarder (if you’re not comfortable ceding that much of your space). All i have ever known is share housing and personally i’d rather take the chance on co habitation than voluntarily put myself in a position of homelessness. (With the exception of the highly anxious and the highly introverted) I can’t fathom the cost benefit analysis that thinks losing your home is less stressful than taking in a housemate.

Edited by 1a1a
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I'm sorry your feelings were hurt and I understand it's a difficult situation. I think the lack of communication is the problem but to be really honest I think it's actually normal not to want to live with your parents when you're an adult. As an adult it's important to have your own space and privacy. For example, if she wanted to date men and invite a man over. She really wouldn't have much privacy with both you and your grandson there. My Mum is also 60 (I'm 35) and I'm actually very close with her and love her. But I don't want to live with her because I want to be independent and have privacy. It's awkward to have people over when you live with your parents and have sex with someone when your parent is in the next room. It's just a guess but I'd say your daughter's decision is not personal towards you but she just wants her own space and freedom. If her son moves out in his late teens or early 20's, she might want a place to herself.

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Is there someone who can help you with your cv? It's unlikely that things will improve if it's gotten to this state. I agree about trying not to take this personally and starting to find employment and a place on your own. I have some very strong opinions about this but it's not going to help your situation.

 

The issue is lack of employment at the moment. Would it help if you reached out to previous contacts or speak with people who may know of any temp openings even for example? Can you look into a temp agency as well?

 

The quicker you find your feet in all this the less and less your daughter's stance has a chance to cloud your vision or how smoothly you're able to transition. I have been in a similar position under different circumstances and have some idea of the terror and fear that you are feeling. You can overcome it.

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My heart goes out to you. Your daughter is defensive because she feels guilty--and with good reason. A global pandemic is a pretty lousy time to expect a loved one to find a job AND a home.

 

This is not her finest moment.

 

Can you renew your lease on a month-to-month so you can learn whether a roommate situation might work out? If not, then you won't be locked into carrying the expense for a year?

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We just signed a month to month lease so she can leave when she buys. Thankfully they didn’t raise the rent like they usually do for month to month lease.

 

Room mates scare me. I worry about living with strangers. I’m thinking about taking someone in temporarily to see how that feels. Once I get a job and my inheritance I will want to move and don’t want to leave someone high and dry with this high rent.

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Janut.

 

Re-reading your first post I don't think this was/is the issue:

 

"I had no idea she wasn't happy here. She never told me she had any issues with me"

 

She wasn't unhappy, but no doubt just wishes to move forward now in life. Granted, and I agree with the others, the timing is truly appalling.

 

Anyhow, I take it she hasn't bought the house yet. It takes time to buy a house. Has she told you where the house is? Any other details? Is she purchasing with someone else?

 

You may have to consider sharing the accommodation with another person. Everyone is a stranger until you get to know them. Naturally you would thoroughly screen any potential "sharers". However, all this won't be happening today or tomorrow.

 

You remark:

 

"I worry about living with strangers. I’m thinking about taking someone in temporarily to see how that feels"

 

What exactly do you worry about, J? You wouldn't take on just everyone and anyone, but rather a recommendation and above all with references.

 

Good luck with the job hunt.

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Your friend that offered her sofa. Would they be willing to get a place together? Do you go to church or anywhere that has maybe a bulletin board or someway to find a roommate through a mutual connection?

 

I would also get my name on that list for housing. Time passes either way. It might not be a short term fix, but rather a long term opportunity in the future.

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Can't help but wonder what's suddenly on fire with your daughter in terms of not only seeking to leave so abruptly, but you actually not even being welcome to a couch. Did she get with some toxic man you don't know about who is driving this behind the scenes? It's very odd behavior.

 

Telling you that she doesn't want to buy or live with you going forward is all normal. Most adults don't. What's weird is this rush. Leaving you in a lurch like this when in just a few months you can both get your own places and part ways comfortably. What's going to change for her if she waits a month or two? Very odd behavior on her end.

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To answer your questions:

 

She is looking in the same town. She put a offer in for a home and I haven't heard if it was accepted. Normally its a 30 day escrow to close then she can move.

 

She is purchasing by herself, no other person is involved

 

Yes, a stranger is a stranger until you get to know them. I worry because Ive had bad room mates and I don't want to be in a place like that again and have to kick them out. But I can ask for what I want. Older, quiet, no drugs, parties, etc. I am actually thinking that option through. The landlord would have to approve them as well.

 

Janut.

 

Re-reading your first post I don't think this was/is the issue:

 

"I had no idea she wasn't happy here. She never told me she had any issues with me"

 

She wasn't unhappy, but no doubt just wishes to move forward now in life. Granted, and I agree with the others, the timing is truly appalling.

 

Anyhow, I take it she hasn't bought the house yet. It takes time to buy a house. Has she told you where the house is? Any other details? Is she purchasing with someone else?

 

You may have to consider sharing the accommodation with another person. Everyone is a stranger until you get to know them. Naturally you would thoroughly screen any potential "sharers". However, all this won't be happening today or tomorrow.

 

You remark:

 

"I worry about living with strangers. I’m thinking about taking someone in temporarily to see how that feels"

 

What exactly do you worry about, J? You wouldn't take on just everyone and anyone, but rather a recommendation and above all with references.

 

Good luck with the job hunt.

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My friend has a nice apartment at a great rate in a high end location. She does not want to move and I dont blame her.

 

I will get my name on that list - your right about that! I don't belong to a church right now, so thats not a option. There are places to post room rentals, so I will explore that after I have a move out date from her

 

 

Your friend that offered her sofa. Would they be willing to get a place together? Do you go to church or anywhere that has maybe a

 

 

bulletin board or someway to find a roommate through a mutual connection?

 

I would also get my name on that list for housing. Time passes either way. It might not be a short term fix, but rather a long term opportunity in the future.

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She started dating someone a year ago, but he lives with his parents as well LOL He is a nice guy and is not moving with her, She is not ready for that and I know because she has told me time and time again. She likes her space. They have no place to be alone and I think that is bothering her.

 

I told her that I would love it if she waited until after the new year, but she has her mind set.

 

I'm actually happy for her that she can actually buy a home on her own. Its a great stepping stone for someone her age.

 

Can't help but wonder what's suddenly on fire with your daughter in terms of not only seeking to leave so abruptly, but you actually not even being welcome to a couch. Did she get with some toxic man you don't know about who is driving this behind the scenes? It's very odd behavior.

 

Telling you that she doesn't want to buy or live with you going forward is all normal. Most adults don't. What's weird is this rush. Leaving you in a lurch like this when in just a few months you can both get your own places and part ways comfortably. What's going to change for her if she waits a month or two? Very odd behavior on her end.

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Can all the moving and worries wait another 6 weeks until your inheritance comes in? This way you'll be free to make your own choices and have time to look for a suitable, affordable apt for yourself without worries about family, privacy, co-owning, roommates and i other concerns. Start looking for apts, other types of rental etc. for Jan. Was the money from your half of the divorce home sales saved?

until I get my inheritance, which will be here in January, fingers crossed
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She started dating someone a year ago, but he lives with his parents as well LOL He is a nice guy and is not moving with her, She is not ready for that and I know because she has told me time and time again. She likes her space. They have no place to be alone and I think that is bothering her.

 

I told her that I would love it if she waited until after the new year, but she has her mind set.

 

I'm actually happy for her that she can actually buy a home on her own. Its a great stepping stone for someone her age.

 

Yes, only thanks to you paying half the rent and therefore helping her save up and putting her in that position and look at how she is paying you back for that....

I wouldn't treat a random stranger off the street the way she is treating you.

 

You are afraid of possibly living with strangers......consider that many strangers might be a million times kinder and more decent to you.

 

A family friend met a nice woman while volunteering. They are both older and single and super happy living together. They actually decided to do that because they are both getting up there and are in the same boat in terms of having little family. They also have similar interests, habits, living habits and so on. They wouldn't trade their arrangement for the world and actually feel much safer and more comfortable living together than living alone. They often joke that they get along like long lost sisters without the sibling rivalry and fighting. Companionship aside, the other part of that is financial. They could live solo, but splitting the bills actually frees up funds for travel and being able to do more fun stuff they couldn't do otherwise. Point being - don't be closed off to different directions in life not just in the moment, but overall, in the long run.

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My friend has a nice apartment at a great rate in a high end location. She does not want to move and I dont blame her.

 

I will get my name on that list - your right about that! I don't belong to a church right now, so thats not a option. There are places to post room rentals, so I will explore that after I have a move out date from her

Can your friend get you into her building? have you thought about downsizing? what about the money you've been saving to put toward the house? can't you live off that until you get your inherentance?

 

With that coming in January, could this just be a brief cash flow problem?

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Actually by the time escrow goes through I may have my inheritance. My mom passed away last year so this is from her estate. Without a job I could take some of that money and pay a full 6 months to a year of rent if that makes me qualify.

 

Can all the moving and worries wait another 6 weeks until your inheritance comes in? This way you'll be free to make your own choices and have time to look for a suitable, affordable apt for yourself without worries about family, privacy, co-owning, roommates and i other concerns. Start looking for apts, other types of rental etc. for Jan. Was the money from your half of the divorce home sales saved?
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