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I predict this will not work. 6 months tops and you'll be wishing you'd never moved in.

 

As for the dogs, I love dogs, the dogs should go out for a pee just before you guys go to bed so nobody gets up in the middle of the night. Perhaps the dog needs to go to the vet to see if he has a medical problem that makes him not able to hold his pee.

 

This guy is still married, the ex wife can cause problems. He is a tightwad. Nope, this isn't going to work.

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Take your time and date a while first. Even though you hang out at his place, it's not yours.

 

What you see is what you get. He doesn't want you to refeather his next.

 

You're not only jumping way ahead of yourself, you are trying to remake him, his pets, his living habits and his home.

 

Slow down! Stop playing interior decorator, pseudo-wife and housekeeper. Stand back and observe his lifestyle rather than rush in to rearrange it.

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It sounds to me as if you just aren't keen on dogs. Imo, people shouldn't have dogs if they're going to keep them outside all day or treat them as anything other than a cherished member of the family. Millions of people have their dogs wanting to sniff their dinner and millions of dogs sleep in their owners' bedrooms! If you don't like all that then you're perfectly entitled to those views, and certainly there are some compromises that can be made that can keep you and the dogs happy, but ultimately if you aren't a fan of dogs, it would be disastrous to move in. If your boyfriend isn't bothered about mess or the smell of dogs, then any cleaning up would fall to you and this is unlikely to make you happy.

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I think if the divorced issue bothers you so much, don't move in. It's as simple as that. Separated individuals do date, by the way, and they most certainly can. Whether it's recommended or not is another matter. Having gone through the separation process, I personally was not feeling good enough to date. I didn't even feel like myself. If I went out with another man, I thought of my spouse. There were also lingering items to tie up and in your case, it's this house. You decide whether this is best for you. Others can only share their experiences or thoughts.

 

There is so much despair and hurt in your words, it really does call into question his judgment and your judgment together. This shouldn't be a decision weighs completely on you alone. Knowing what I know now I think it's also unfair that he's bringing another woman into his life without first looking after himself or any issues with the house, the hygiene problem and smells and his overall upkeep. Does this appear at all to you like someone who has his life together?

 

I don't think you have to end the relationship just yet especially if you feel it's not right. Can you adjust or alter the timing of moving in or making any big moves?

 

Agreed. He is very clean otherwise though his house is tidy and clean .. but those dogs omg

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This is an awesome response. I think it’s also that I have a house and we are both paying mortgages. We do love each other and want a future together, with us getting together was probably premature. He did end the relationship with her 5 months before me though. But I love your advice saying what I want before moving in and slowing the hell down we are together every night I mostly stay at his but he does come to mine and whenever I ask, I guess I’m the one in control here and if I’m pressured to move in I’ll tell him what I want first and take it slow.

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Never make major decision with a partner unless you've known them a solid year. I can't imagine you have, since you haven't even met his parents. And if the only way you'll be happy is for major changes to take place, such as the deal with the dogs, then don't continue on, because changes aren't guaranteed and rare when someone is used to doing things their way. If you move in under the present conditions, it means you're accepting of the situation and it's not a dealbreaker.

 

What's the huge rush? Date normally. Tell him when the house is clean, the dogs are clean, and handled how you want when you've over there eating, then you'll consider moving in (after at least one year of successful dating). It's harder to extricate yourself from a relationship when you live together versus otherwise. He's a high risk to your heart right now. He didn't end one relationship before beginning another. Give him time to prove he'll be a good partner past the honeymoon stage. What's the reason his marriage broke up? How old are you two? And if you'll be putting rent money toward his mortgage and you two break up, he'll have grown all that equity and you'll be left with zero financial assets in the housing area.

 

Take your time and date a while first. Even though you hang out at his place, it's not yours.

 

What you see is what you get. He doesn't want you to refeather his next.

 

You're not only jumping way ahead of yourself, you are trying to remake him, his pets, his living habits and his home.

 

Slow down! Stop playing interior decorator, pseudo-wife and housekeeper. Stand back and observe his lifestyle rather than rush in to rearrange it.

 

This is an awesome response! He end it 5 months before me though, I have my own place we are both paying mortgages but you’re right I need to make sure I’m happy too and slow the hell down

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OP. You say:

 

"I want this to work I’m just lost."

 

And from what you describe in this thread I can only respond as Andrina did:

 

"What's the huge rush? Date normally. Tell him when the house is clean, the dogs are clean, and handled how you want when you've over there eating, then you'll consider moving in (after at least one year of successful dating). It's harder to extricate yourself from a relationship when you live together versus otherwise. He's a high risk to your heart right now. He didn't end one relationship before beginning another. Give him time to prove he'll be a good partner past the honeymoon stage. What's the reason his marriage broke up? How old are you two? And if you'll be putting rent money toward his mortgage and you two break up, he'll have grown all that equity and you'll be left with zero financial assets in the housing area."

 

And I have to agree with the others. This is a married man, intending to divorce. And as Andrina said, he didn't end one relationship (a marriage) before beginning another.

 

Speaking only for myself I would not date a separated man even if he had a mansion in the country and a staff! I've seen all to often the outcomes.

 

Think long and hard about this one, OP. He doesn't sound like a good proposition.

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This is an awesome response! He end it 5 months before me though, I have my own place we are both paying mortgages but you’re right I need to make sure I’m happy too and slow the hell down

 

He didn't end anything. He ended -maybe- having sex with his wife, he ended, maybe, living with his wife. He is married to her. The marriage has not ended. I agree with Andrina. Including on a practical/financial level.

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This is an awesome response. I think it’s also that I have a house and we are both paying mortgages. We do love each other and want a future together, with us getting together was probably premature. He did end the relationship with her 5 months before me though. But I love your advice saying what I want before moving in and slowing the hell down we are together every night I mostly stay at his but he does come to mine and whenever I ask, I guess I’m the one in control here and if I’m pressured to move in I’ll tell him what I want first and take it slow.

 

Sounds like a great plan to do after his divorce is final.

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OP, I hope you are still reading because you seem to be missing some important things.

 

The house, whether his wife's name is on it or removed is irrelevant. It is STILL marital property and until/unless they actually get divorced, she will continue to have full rights to all marital property. Yes, she can decide to throw you out if she wants to or they decide to reconcile or just because. What the final property settlement will be, you have no idea until the divorce is filed and finalized. They might part ways along the lines they are deciding on now or it might all blow up and become contentious. You have no idea.

 

5 months out of a marriage is a joke, especially since he isn't even out, he is just separated. The fact that he is rushing and pressuring you to move in is actually a huge red flag that he is not handling the separation well and is busy trying to plug the void using you. You are the rebound chic and unfortunately, rebounds get discarded when no longer needed. It's a bit like crutches - nobody keeps using them after the broken leg has healed. Eventually he will process his separation and the divorce (which may or may not even happen) and he will boot you out because he will want to be alone for awhile. Everyone keeps telling you this because it's an old story that happens over and over. Learn from others mistakes instead of learning the hard way here.

 

Slow way down. Keep your own house. Do not even think about living together unless/until he is actually fully divorced. Do not play wifey. As for the dogs and the mess - what you see is what you get. He is an adult choosing to live this way. You aren't going to change or fix that. His wife couldn't either - keep that in mind.

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Five months separated only is a massive red flag. I agree with DF. There's no reason to stress yourself out like this so early on with this immense amount of pressure to move in. I don't think he's thinking clearly and it's absolutely on you to make the right choice for yourself. Don't do it.

 

Did the relationship start off as a whirlwind romance with all the love bombing and loud or showy affections? What you're attracted to may not be who he really is as a person. Give it time to settle down and for both of you to get to know one another better.

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Aside from the timing, someone else touched on this -

The list of issues should be addressed before you agree to move in.

 

As you are experiencing, you've already committed to move in and now, after the fact are having the battle of wills and differences.

Ultimately this may point to the fact that you are incomplatible, lack conflict resolution skills and can't work towards compromise.

 

Had you taken your time in this relationship you might have learned these things before committing to move in. . Either way you are learning valuable things about each other now.

 

Pay close attention because seeing the beginning of a relationship is when you are on your best behaviour, what would your relationship challenges look like 5, 10 years from now?

 

Based on how you describe his current lifestyle, I wouldn't have even considered moving in with him.

What you see is what you get.

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Where did you meet this guy, and when? Was he still living with his wife?

It sounds to me like he has moved the wife out & trying to move you in as a replacement

All way too much way too soon!

He needs to grieve the marriage and its demise, not try & carry it on with a substitute.

So why did he separate?

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The issue I actually see here is I'm getting a feeling that maybe you don't actually really like dogs? I know you said that they're not properly taken care of but are you also not a dog person? I'm just saying that because if you're not into dogs and they gross you out and your boyfriend is, this will be a problem. The thing is that when dogs go outside, they do get some dirt on them and so on and do roll around inside and stuff like that. That's actually normal if you have dogs. If it bothers you then I don't actually think there would be any point dating your boyfriend because this will never change.

 

The other thing I think you need to think about is how your boyfriend actually treats his dogs. This tells you what kind of person he is. If he's neglecting his dogs it's a very bad look. It speaks negatively of his character. And clearly he's neglecting the dogs pretty badly if they're not even let out to the toilet and are busying to pee so bad that the dog does it in the house. Also if they're dirty and beds are filthy. It's not that hard to just buy them new beds and wash the dogs more often. These are his pets and if he can't take care of them properly then what does that say about him? That he's negligent and unreliable.

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Disgusting. I could never live, much stay the night in that environment. I do not understand how your bf can live in such filth, nor can I see how someone could date someone like him. Blech!!! BTW, I am a dog fanatic!

 

Your bf is NOT "clean and tidy."

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Echoing Shelly here:

 

"Where did you meet this guy, and when? Was he still living with his wife?

It sounds to me like he has moved the wife out & trying to move you in as a replacement

All way too much way too soon!

He needs to grieve the marriage and its demise, not try & carry it on with a substitute.

So why did he separate?"

 

Same questions I should like to ask.

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As a dog person (and cat person) I find the post disgusting and disturbing. I am thinking this guy doesn't train his dogs right?

 

Having dogs are like having kids. If your kid is wetting the bed, you have to put a diaper on them or/and you start training them not to. If the dog is old or sick, sometimes you just gotta do what a responsible and LOVING parent do - get up and take that poor dog out so they can hike their leg up and pee outside.

 

While you are worrying about home decor, you overlook this man's character. Not only was he dating while still married, he lacks the know how or the decency to take care of his things.

 

I've been around dogs and other peoples dogs long enough to know that dogs are basically the reflection of the owner.

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