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I’m looking for some advice here please.. my partner is going through divorce and Nearly there. hes in the process of removing his ex wife off the title of the home he’s now living in. He wants me to move in I said I would after it’s been settled. I’m having doubts because he has 2 big dogs he lets inside all the time or one barks at the door. The dogs are sniffing around for food all the time, we eat in the lounge room and they come up close to you and stare one of them so close you have to protect your plate. I’m going to start eating alone in the kitchen. He lets them on the couch pats and scratches them and these dogs smell rotten and the house stinks!! One sleeps in our room but pees inside on walls because he needs to go out in the middle of the night and he’s not heard. Their beds are filthy. The other issue I have is his ex left all their furniture in the house. I can move in to their marital home but I would want to start making it a part of my place too. My partner and I have veeeery different taste I love the soft colours and curve blends and flowers and he loves the sharp corners with bold conflicting colours and nothing matches it’s just loud, other than that everything is brown and orange and looks 70s. He has tried to be considerate and he feels he is compromising so he will say for example I want a couple of rugs for the house and give me the opportunity to pick from a few in regards to design so I’ll say ok that one. Then he will buy it. That’s his compromise, I would love a couple of big floral prints but he just doesn’t like them. I’ve tried talking to him to allow me to chose things I want to rather than just select. He asked me to pick a doona cover. I did. We agreed however he walked away. He hadn’t fully decided.

So I’m at a point where I want to have a straight out conversation with him rather than just all these little disagreements. I’d like to say ok we need your dogs groomed and their bedding thrown out and replaced. We need to steam clean the two rooms they’re mostly in and this will cost us money (he’s very tight with money) The dogs should go out at dinner time and the one can come to the room and sleep providing we take it in turns to let him out in the middle of the night. We need to bath them on a regular basis. In regards to the furniture I’d like to renovate we need to agree on a paint colour (the place needs painting and he wants to) I’d like to start replacing things so I don’t feel I’m living in the imprint of your ex wife. We need to come up with a better compromise with how we decorate.

If anyone wants to add to this, edit or tell me I’m just a selfish tell me, because at this rate if nothing changes I don’t want to move in and the relationship won’t last. I want this to work I’m just lost.

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This is a married man. He is not divorced yet.

Its possible that the wife will get the house, they will be forced to sell it and split the proceeds or he will have to give her part of the equity.

this could be a loooong road.

 

You can't go into a house that someone owns as the live in girlfriend or the roommate and start to dictate how they should decorate and how they should live their life. It won't fly.

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And I totally get where you’re coming from. They have both signed the documents of change of ownership. There is no they anymore though. It’s us, as I said I won’t be moving in until it’s settled anyway.. this is more about the dogs hygiene manners and all her stuff she no longer wants that was left behind.

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Here's the thing. You're dating a married man. His wife still owns this house. So what I would do is tell him when his divorce is final you can keep dating (I mean I think it was a poor idea to date a married man but what's done is done). I'd then wait to move in -let him settle in to his life as a single person in his home. I'd make a list of all the dealbreaker issues you mentioned. Have it with you so when you have a dialogue - a conversation -about what you need to feel comfortable moving in - you will have a piece of paper to refer to if you get flustered or nervous.

 

I mean I can't relate to your needs about interior decorating but it sounds like it's more of an issue of not wanting to be reminded of his wife every time you turn around, I get it. I absolutely could not live with animals who are allowed to be in the home the way he chooses to let them. My sense is that is not going to change. That would be a deal breaker for me -it sounds gross and unsafe.

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Incompatibility.....need I say more? You can't come between a pet and it's owner. Like kids, if your rules don't match theirs there will be conflict.....it's his house, like he's going to change his habits for you. This is an opportune time to reassess your relationship if you want to move forward or not.

Edited by smackie9
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And I totally get where you’re coming from. They have both signed the documents of change of ownership. There is no they anymore though. It’s us, as I said I won’t be moving in until it’s settled anyway.. this is more about the dogs hygiene manners and all her stuff she no longer wants that was left behind.

 

He's still legally married to her and he still has her stuff in his home. Both of those facts are very relevant and it's what's really bothering you is my guess.

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Thank you I appreciate your reply. He’s nearly there and he’s definitely moved on. They’ve signed the documents to take her name off the title they’re just waiting for it to settle. As I mentioned that’s the only time I will move in but I’m having doubts because of what she’s left behind, the dogs hygiene mostly

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Thank you I appreciate your reply. He’s nearly there and he’s definitely moved on. They’ve signed the documents to take her name off the title they’re just waiting for it to settle. As I mentioned that’s the only time I will move in but I’m having doubts because of what she’s left behind, the dogs hygiene mostly

 

Are they still married? When is the divorce going to be final? Did you start dating him before they were legally separated?

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And he is married now. When will his divorce be final? That's far more important than whether she lets him have full title to the home.

 

Ok can you tell me why? Legally he can’t file for divorce for 12 months. He was separated for 5 months but living under the one roof until she could move into the investment property. She is keeping the investment and he is keeping the other house they lived in. It’s JUST over 12 months. The divorce papers haven’t been submitted I don’t want to be a cold btch and pressure him I’m prepared to let the dust settle for another couple of months as long as he’s 100% sure it’s what he’s doing I’m fine with it. I’m guessing you could be getting at that the change of ownership and her removed off the title is irrelevant and she can still claim half because they are legally married???

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I’m not really understanding, he wants me to move in does that mean I become completely submissive? I thought I could have a say in this? Put it this way if I wanted him to move in to my place I’d be asking what he would like to make it more his home to balance things out

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Why would that balance things out? Why not get a new place together? That would level the playing field.

 

It certainly would! But it’s just a house, it can be renovated and things replaced. I don’t know how to go about it given all these answers I feel like I don’t have a right to wouldn’t any of that bother you? I’ve seen posts where a lot of people can’t move into the ex wife home or the very least want to redecorate what would you do if you met someone that lived in the marital home and asked you to move in?

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It certainly would! But it’s just a house, it can be renovated and things replaced. I don’t know how to go about it given all these answers I feel like I don’t have a right to wouldn’t any of that bother you? I’ve seen posts where a lot of people can’t move into the ex wife home or the very least want to redecorate what would you do if you met someone that lived in the marital home and asked you to move in?

 

"just a house?" Its his marital home and HIS house. There is no guarantee he will allow a live in girlfriend to come in and renovate and redecorate as she sees fit.

 

What would I do? I would distance myself just a little and once he was legally divorced, only DATE -- once he is actually divorced, things may change. He may grieve the finality of the end of the marriage. There could be emotional unfinished business. He could decide that he wants some space to get reacquainted with his male buddies. He also may not want another commitment so soon - if you think you will move in as future wife -- he may not see it that way.

 

His family and friends might treat you very negatively because you were willing to swoop in before the ink is dry.

Live separately and keep your standards high. Decorate your own place. See how he is as a boyfriend for 6 months, a year.

 

Right now he wants you to move in because he is lonely by himself in the house, might be used to a woman cleaning and cooking, wants the convenience of sex close by.

 

Make him work for it!

 

Don't jump!

 

Trust me. he could be a different guy

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Having been married and divorced and marrying a divorced man, I'll just speak from experience. Don't move in just yet and don't treat living together as an ultimatum of whether the relationship works or not. If you're so frustrated that you're using the move in issue as a litmus test for whether you should stay or go or how well you plan dog grooming, this relationship is already on its last legs. It's splitting hairs at this point regarding title and final divorce papers issued by court.

 

The main issue you outlined in your initial post is that you have a problem with hygiene and living conditions. He's a slob. You won't take kindly to this, I'm sure, as none of us would if we had another person tell us that of our partner but you'll have to reconcile that fact with living together. I can tell you're at your wits end and quite disgusted overall. You're looking for a different kind of man and realizing that he's not the one, still desperately trying to make it work because if you can prove together that a few hangings suit your taste, maybe the smelly dogs and stained furniture won't matter so much.

 

The problem is your partner living the way he chooses to live and you're not happy with him. Why would you want to move in with someone you can't even stand?

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The dogs are sniffing around for food all the time, we eat in the lounge room and they come up close to you and stare one of them so close you have to protect your plate. I’m going to start eating alone in the kitchen. He lets them on the couch pats and scratches them and these dogs smell rotten and the house stinks!! One sleeps in our room but pees inside on walls because he needs to go out in the middle of the night and he’s not heard. Their beds are filthy.

This is just beyond disgusting and if ever there was a deal breaker, I would say it's this (for me, anyway). It also tells me a lot about the man himself too. There is no way I would ever be able to live with this. Ever. I would head for the hills so fast you wouldn't see me for dust. Ugh.

 

Incompatibility.....need I say more? You can't come between a pet and it's owner. Like kids, if your rules don't match theirs there will be conflict.....it's his house, like he's going to change his habits for you. This is an opportune time to reassess your relationship if you want to move forward or not.

I second this post in it's entirety. OP, you really need to go back and re-read your own post. Really absorb it. Print it out and stick it on your fridge and on your mirror. Really take in every word you wrote. Read it many times a day. Every day. If you don't see the writing on the wall and what a bad match you two are, then all I can say is that you are in for a very long, bad bad bad ride. This all just screams incompatibility and it would be wise to open your eyes now. Whatever you do, do NOT move in with this guy!!

 

Also, be aware that you're possibly a rebound. This guy isn't even divorced yet and already monkey branching to the next woman. What he really should be doing is taking at least a year time out before launching into another relationship. This has red flags all over the place. You really need to step back a bit and take some time to re-think this relationship (imo).

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Ok can you tell me why? Legally he can’t file for divorce for 12 months. He was separated for 5 months but living under the one roof until she could move into the investment property. She is keeping the investment and he is keeping the other house they lived in. It’s JUST over 12 months. The divorce papers haven’t been submitted I don’t want to be a cold btch and pressure him I’m prepared to let the dust settle for another couple of months as long as he’s 100% sure it’s what he’s doing I’m fine with it. I’m guessing you could be getting at that the change of ownership and her removed off the title is irrelevant and she can still claim half because they are legally married???

 

So she moved out recently.

He was living with her until recently.

How long have you been dating?

Can't be long enough to consider moving in

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Most of you are screaming out ‘married man’ I understand but this isn’t my issue, the divorce will come and he is constantly moving forward with finalising things. compatibility- yes I’ll agree. A few have said about the dogs that it’s disgusting and yes it is I hate it when they roll on their backs and rub into the rugs or drag their snouts across the carpet. Other than all this he is really good to me and 100% wants a future with me. He told me before we got together he was getting a divorce but wants to be happy he will be actively finding someone he wants a relationship and common interests ( we have like traveling, camping etc) I don’t want to feel like an intruder or a guest if he wants me to move in I want to blend, is this all worth throwing away because he hasn’t reached the divorce destination and been alone for x amount of time? People and relationships seem so disposable these days it’s sad. But if you’re all seeing red flags here and a predictable failed future then maybe I need to listen and reconsider, we’ve been locked down during covid and now we can get out he wants me to meet his parents :/

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You are dating a married man and if you move into his home it will be the home he shared in the past with his current wife. The real mess isn't the dogs or the furniture -it's that he is legally married. Married man cannot date let alone live with a partner. You are his mistress for now, not his partner. I'd wait until he is single for a good long while and then talk about how to share your lives as two single people wanting to be together as a couple. Right now he is not single. He is married.

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Most of you are screaming out ‘married man’ I understand but this isn’t my issue, the divorce will come and he is constantly moving forward with finalising things. compatibility- yes I’ll agree. A few have said about the dogs that it’s disgusting and yes it is I hate it when they roll on their backs and rub into the rugs or drag their snouts across the carpet. Other than all this he is really good to me and 100% wants a future with me. He told me before we got together he was getting a divorce but wants to be happy he will be actively finding someone he wants a relationship and common interests ( we have like traveling, camping etc) I don’t want to feel like an intruder or a guest if he wants me to move in I want to blend, is this all worth throwing away because he hasn’t reached the divorce destination and been alone for x amount of time? People and relationships seem so disposable these days it’s sad. But if you’re all seeing red flags here and a predictable failed future then maybe I need to listen and reconsider, we’ve been locked down during covid and now we can get out he wants me to meet his parents :/

 

I think if the divorced issue bothers you so much, don't move in. It's as simple as that. Separated individuals do date, by the way, and they most certainly can. Whether it's recommended or not is another matter. Having gone through the separation process, I personally was not feeling good enough to date. I didn't even feel like myself. If I went out with another man, I thought of my spouse. There were also lingering items to tie up and in your case, it's this house. You decide whether this is best for you. Others can only share their experiences or thoughts.

 

There is so much despair and hurt in your words, it really does call into question his judgment and your judgment together. This shouldn't be a decision weighs completely on you alone. Knowing what I know now I think it's also unfair that he's bringing another woman into his life without first looking after himself or any issues with the house, the hygiene problem and smells and his overall upkeep. Does this appear at all to you like someone who has his life together?

 

I don't think you have to end the relationship just yet especially if you feel it's not right. Can you adjust or alter the timing of moving in or making any big moves?

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Never make major decision with a partner unless you've known them a solid year. I can't imagine you have, since you haven't even met his parents. And if the only way you'll be happy is for major changes to take place, such as the deal with the dogs, then don't continue on, because changes aren't guaranteed and rare when someone is used to doing things their way. If you move in under the present conditions, it means you're accepting of the situation and it's not a dealbreaker.

 

What's the huge rush? Date normally. Tell him when the house is clean, the dogs are clean, and handled how you want when you've over there eating, then you'll consider moving in (after at least one year of successful dating). It's harder to extricate yourself from a relationship when you live together versus otherwise. He's a high risk to your heart right now. He didn't end one relationship before beginning another. Give him time to prove he'll be a good partner past the honeymoon stage. What's the reason his marriage broke up? How old are you two? And if you'll be putting rent money toward his mortgage and you two break up, he'll have grown all that equity and you'll be left with zero financial assets in the housing area.

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Never make major decision with a partner unless you've known them a solid year. I can't imagine you have, since you haven't even met his parents. And if the only way you'll be happy is for major changes to take place, such as the deal with the dogs, then don't continue on, because changes aren't guaranteed and rare when someone is used to doing things their way. If you move in under the present conditions, it means you're accepting of the situation and it's not a dealbreaker.

 

What's the huge rush? Date normally. Tell him when the house is clean, the dogs are clean, and handled how you want when you've over there eating, then you'll consider moving in (after at least one year of successful dating). It's harder to extricate yourself from a relationship when you live together versus otherwise. He's a high risk to your heart right now. He didn't end one relationship before beginning another. Give him time to prove he'll be a good partner past the honeymoon stage. What's the reason his marriage broke up? How old are you two? And if you'll be putting rent money toward his mortgage and you two break up, he'll have grown all that equity and you'll be left with zero financial assets in the housing area.

 

^Sound advice!

 

What's the rush? Hold out for what you want. And be wary of rushing into this relationship too fast!

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^Sound advice!

 

What's the rush? Hold out for what you want. And be wary of rushing into this relationship too fast!

I echo the "what's the rush?"

 

You have to ask yourself, if he does in fact want a future with you and you have commonalities etc.... all those things will be true in the future.

 

Its somewhat like a sales person that says you must buy today or you will miss the best deal of your life.

 

Any time someone tries to lock you down. As in move in, but I'm still married, you gotta think, what does this guy know that I don't?

 

is he acting irrationally because he is going through a traumatic event like the dissolution of his marriage?

 

He could be making moves and going forward and then one day, he flipped. It happens.... just ending a relationship is major red flag....

 

And only time will tell. keep your options open. he'll respect you more.

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