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My boyfriend [30M] and I [29F] broke up coming home from vacation....


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I think he plays a roll in our fights, as well as me - we tend to trigger each other’s anxieties when we fight. But I feel a majority is me. I get this ocd anxiety whenever I’m in a long term relationship and I’ve let it ruin too many of them. If I can just get a handle on this we could get to a different place. We had something, and I don’t want to walk away without knowing that I tried everything and fought for it.

 

It sounds so dumb looking back - one morning on the trip, he showed me a video on Facebook where a guy walked up to someone and said “now that’s a big pile of !”..and the person thought he was talking to them, but then behind the person was a guy wheelbarrowing an actual pile of .

 

I said “I imagine if someone said that to you, you might be like ‘no, I’m not!’ But then when he comes towards you looking to fight you’d be like ‘okay okay! I am a big pile of !’

 

He said that hurt his feelings..and instead of apologizing, I felt like I couldn’t because I felt like I said it knowing it was a little mean..so if that’s true, how could my apology be genuine?

 

But I eventually apologized, and we got over it. He said he still wanted to be my boyfriend, and he’s willing to work with me, but that I also have to work with him. Then he kept asking me if I was okay over and over the next day. I kept saying “I’m okay”, but he could tell something was off. Like, there wasn’t anything I was needing to tell him, but I always have some form of anxiety..so saying “really, I’m fine!” Felt like a lie. And I don’t want to lie. He asked so much it was starting to change my behavior..Like, I’d feel like I couldn’t watch tv for too long with a blank stare on my face, or else he’d feel like something was wrong. Also, when you start to ask someone so often if they’re okay..it can really start to affect you/frustrate you..making you not okay, just by a self-fulfilling prophecy!

 

Then on the ride home, it started with him asking where I want to stop for food....idk I guess I was getting annoyed with the way he was planning things and was already more easily annoyed cuz of what had gone on the past couple days and I had an attitude..he then assumed I didn’t want to go to the place I picked and I was like no..it’s fine. And it just went off from there. He wanted me to apologize for the attitude and again I had trouble with it. I eventually did. He told me he wasn’t sure he could trust me..that I can’t push someone to the point I pushed him, and *then* start apologizing.

 

I told him I didn’t intentionally want things to get to this point. He told me his ex wife didn’t “intentionally fall for that other guy”, but she still did. It didn’t matter if it was intentional or not. She still did it and hurt me.”....that’s where I think his issues come up. It’s not fair to compare me to his ex wife so much. I’m not her and would never cheat on him.

 

Anyway, it went on like this for the rest of the trip. By the end I asked if he was breaking up with me. He told me it was “either this matters enough to me to make the changes necessary, or it doesn’t. That’s it.” I told him the good of our relationship is worth it to me to fight for. At the very end I asked again if he was breaking up with me and he said yes, and there was no going back.

 

He’s obviously somewhat conflicted; but yeah. That’s how it went down. Not a fun ride back home. I just feel horrible cuz I feel like I had 8 hours to act like a partner to him, and I failed.

 

We’re meeting up over zoom for a couples counseling session on Friday. I’m trying not to get my hopes up, but I’m also nervous. Hopefully it goes well. I told him that it will either help us see what went wrong and move on, or help us see that we’re not ready to let this relationship die. Any advice here? Does anyone see any patterns in these arguments that keep happening? They seem so..surface level, so there should be a way to improve.

 

Tl;dr: boyfriend and I broke up on the way home from vacation, but is willing to meet with me for a couples counseling session. Any advice for the best way to handle this upcoming appointment?

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