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My husband doesn't seem to love me anymore


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My husband and I have been together since basically forever. We've known eachother since childhood and had just married not too many years ago. I really do love him a lot and everything was wonderful between us.

But, the problem started when all of a sudden I began to notice a strange change in behaviour in him.

 

It seemed as if he began to grow more and more distant. He no longer talked to me as much and he didn't show me any affection anymore. He is not showing interest in our relationship. It's like he stopped caring completly. I still tried to show him I loved him regardless, but nothing changed. He appeared completly out of it. It kinda hurt me.

 

That change in him came completely out of the blue and I dont know what's going on..

 

Another important thing I should mention is that, he is very close to his mother and she does come to visit him often. So one day I come home to find her there. I was in the other room overhearing their conversation. I remember her asking him something along the lines of "How's everything with your wife?". Something like that. So, I stood there to listen to his response. He replied that he "didn't know". That did sound pretty strange to me... He basically told her I was getting annoying with how much I invaded his personal space and how I was "overly-affectionate". I didn't really know what that even meant at first... But I mean, I could respect that and give him personal space. But he also told her "he didn't feel anything for me anymore and he no longer cared."

 

Now, that made me feel pretty bad...

Ever since that talk, I've been really hesitant to talk to him about it. And I'm honestly pretty worried to do so... Because I obviously still love the guy...

 

So how do you think I should confront him? What could of caused such a big change in him? I have no idea and I need help.

But anyway, thanks for reading!

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You need to talk to him about it. Ignoring this issue won't make it go away. Confront him in the way you just described to us. "Hey, I heard you say ______ when you were talking about us" I would be beyond hurt if I heard my partner talk about me like that. A heart to heart talk is much needed. Counseling or therapy will most likely be needed also. But, only if he is willing to do the work to save the marriage. It definitely sounds like he is already one foot out the door. I'm sorry you're going through this 😔.

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So sorry about all this.

 

Can I ask how old you two are and how long you've been married? Also curious to know when you overheard this from his mother? Just trying to understand a bit of context here, so I don't make too many presumptions in trying to offer advice.

 

Big picture? I think you need to find a way to move past this hesitation in talking to him about this. You know—from his actions, from what you overheard—that something very real is up with him. You need to put all that on that table, cleanly, during a calm moment between you two. It won't be easy, but the chips need to be out of the shade to know where and how they'll fall.

 

Without that, you risk furthering a cycle you know doesn't help things improve: one where you're uncomfortable in giving him space, uncomfortable in trying to close the space with affection. That's a relationship as a performance, not authentic, and sooner or later the artifice will wear one of you down to the point where there's nothing there to salvage.

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I've been really hesitant to talk to him about it. And I'm honestly pretty worried to do so... Because I obviously still love the guy...I don't know how delaying a talk will ease any worries you have. I'd be chomping at the bit, wanting to get the info I needed.

 

Instead of thinking of it as confronting, think of it as an important discussion between you and the guy you've been with "since basically forever." It's strange you don't feel comfortable discussing everything under the sun with someone you've known since childhood.

 

I'd sit down with him when you're both relaxed and not rushed for work or anything. I'd say: Just wondering if there's anything you want improved in our marriage.

 

And then listen. Hopefully, he will open up. If he says, "Everything's fine." I'd maybe say: Where do you see our lives in 5 years? What's on your bucket list?"

 

Then listen again. If he doesn't open up, I'd say: Well, there are some improvements I'd like. I like to hold hands while we're watching t.v. together. (Describe what physical affection you want. He can't argue with that. If you phrased it more negatively, like: You used to and don't do that anymore, it will make him defensive and he could argue the point)

 

And then I'd bring up what I overheard, saying how upsetting it was to hear. It's the truth. If you can't be honest with your SO, then the marriage IS on very shaky ground.

 

Perhaps he is now feeling he never got to sow his wild oats and married too young. If you don't have a life besides him, maybe he is feeling smothered if you've made him the sole center of your universe. Who's to say until you get more info? Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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I remember her asking him something along the lines of "How's everything with your wife?".!

I find that really interesting. Does she usually refer to you as "the wife" when she talks to him? She doesn't use your name?

 

The only way to solve whatever is going on is to discuss it with him. You're married. Known him like forever, so it's hard to understand why you can't seem to talk to him about your fears and so on. You're partners and should be able to discuss things.

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He basically told her I was getting annoying with how much I invaded his personal space and how I was "overly-affectionate". I didn't really know what that even meant at first... But I mean, I could respect that and give him personal space. But he also told her "he didn't feel anything for me anymore and he no longer cared."

 

Now, that made me feel pretty bad...

Ever since that talk, I've been really hesitant to talk to him about it. And I'm honestly pretty worried to do so... Because I obviously still love the guy...

 

So how do you think I should confront him? What could of caused such a big change in him? I have no idea and I need help.

 

What's the alternative, really?

 

Sit around in this constant tension and continue to worry? You need to talk to him. You've noticed a change, and you've heard from his own mouth that he doesn't feel the same way. You're not imagining things.

 

I realize that it's hard to have these talks, as you might hear something hurtful that you were unprepared to hear. Are you worried that he has met someone else?

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My husband and I have been together since basically forever. We've known eachother since childhood and had just married not too many years ago. I really do love him a lot and everything was wonderful between us.

But, the problem started when all of a sudden I began to notice a strange change in behaviour in him.

 

It seemed as if he began to grow more and more distant. He no longer talked to me as much and he didn't show me any affection anymore. He is not showing interest in our relationship. It's like he stopped caring completly. I still tried to show him I loved him regardless, but nothing changed. He appeared completly out of it. It kinda hurt me.

 

That change in him came completely out of the blue and I dont know what's going on..

 

Another important thing I should mention is that, he is very close to his mother and she does come to visit him often. So one day I come home to find her there. I was in the other room overhearing their conversation. I remember her asking him something along the lines of "How's everything with your wife?". Something like that. So, I stood there to listen to his response. He replied that he "didn't know". That did sound pretty strange to me... He basically told her I was getting annoying with how much I invaded his personal space and how I was "overly-affectionate". I didn't really know what that even meant at first... But I mean, I could respect that and give him personal space. But he also told her "he didn't feel anything for me anymore and he no longer cared."

 

Now, that made me feel pretty bad...

Ever since that talk, I've been really hesitant to talk to him about it. And I'm honestly pretty worried to do so... Because I obviously still love the guy...

 

So how do you think I should confront him? What could of caused such a big change in him? I have no idea and I need help.

But anyway, thanks for reading!

 

 

Sometimes when people have been together "forever", it isn't a good idea to marry that person - I say as a person who married someone because we were together "forever" and everyone expected it. I'm not saying long term relationships are always this way, but too often they can end up being more of a "security blanket" or " fear of being alone" rather than staying together out of deep, genuine love.

May or may not be the case here.

 

Do NOT "confront him", but you will need to talk to him. These are the conversations that no one loves, but must be had. You say repeatedly that you love this man. You're going to have to be direct and try as best as you can to listen. It could well be that this isn't really about you and whatever he's going thru is just manifesting itself as complacency towards other things/people. Now, I will be brutally honest- It could be about you. BUT even if it is, wouldn't you rather know than pretend and lie to each other for goodness knows how many years?

 

Before you talk to him, I want you to do something. Go ahead and picture the absolute worst thing that can happen in your mind. Have that full conversation in your head. This will first help you get rid of your own knee jerk reactions, but it will also prepare you. Sometimes our FEAR of the worst is actually WORSE in our heads that the result of what the worst case scenario would actually be- if that makes sense.

Trust me as someone who has been thru something similar- it is much better to know if a major shift has happened sooner than not, so you can both move on with your life.

Maybe it isn't what you are assuming it is and he needs help with an underlying issue like depression. You aren't going to know until you talk.

 

Do not avoid having this conversation. It must happen. Something may change once you do. But Nothing will change if you don't. Why are you so nervous to have this conversation? I understand that it is scary, BUT do you really want to be in a marriage that's based on avoidance, lies, and not being honest with each other? I think you already know that a marriage that only "succeeds" due to one person sacrificing their well being to make the other person "happy" isn't healthy.

 

 

Best of luck to you.

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I'm always kind of surprised that so many threads start with very similar sentiments. Being together forever, perfect, so in love, yet.... the person is afraid to talk to their love.

 

OP, that is not meant to insult you or your relationship. Its an observation. my point is, when things are easy and just going along, it's just that, easy. but that also indicates that you haven't really had to deal with a conflict together.

 

It's the conflict resolution that makes or breaks the relationship, not just the happy times.

 

So with all that said, I would ask myself how do I want my relationship to handle conflict?

 

For me. I would find the right time to ask hubs about this. A time when we are both relaxed and having a nice day together. Then I would preface it with, I've been wanting to talk you about something. Do you think now is a good time?

 

The more questions you ask and the more listening you do, the better. I probably would not start with the overheard conversation. I would make it more about my sense that I'm not meeting his needs, that his needs are important to me and how/ what does he need from me?

 

Try to listen without emotionally reacting. It may be something that you listen and then say, you need time to think about what he's said and can you talk again?

 

You're in this relationship, too. Its not all him and his needs but you have to be willing to listen.

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Well, Mary, this does not sound good at all:

 

"he also told her "he didn't feel anything for me anymore and he no longer cared.""

 

However, I agree with the other posters. You need to have a conversation with him, and delete that word "confront" from your vocabulary.

 

And I particularly endorse Redswim's post.

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Contrary to the others, I don't believe speaking about it will help but you can try. That's the usually a couple's first instinct and it's correct if you can sense a level of integrity or openness in your partner. He's been comfortable keeping information from you and has mentioned that he dislikes you invading his personal space (whatever that means). Do you check up on him? The marriage seems to have brought out anxieties and worries in you and that could have added to you trying to reach out more and him responding poorly to it. The bottomline is that he keeps things from you.

 

Does he have a history of keeping information from you? You've known him for awhile so you should have a fair idea of what he's capable of.

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Well, I'm 26 and he's 26. We've been married for four years. As for how I heard her- I came home from the store and she was already there to visit him. I entered through the kitchen door and I could still hear bits of their conversation since our house isn't really that big. That's how it pretty much all went down.. But, you're right. I really should find out what's going on. I really appreciate your advice. Thanks!

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Actually, she did refer to me as "your wife". She usually refers to using my name. I guess it could've just been the way she said this one time... Not sure. I don't know why, but I just couldn't help but get nervous I could hear something I didn't wanna hear. Now I know I still have to talk to him either way

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"I could hear something I didn't wanna hear."

 

 

I can well imagine, Mary. Who would want to hear this:

 

"he didn't feel anything for me anymore and he no longer cared.""

 

This is just not some off-the-cuff remark.

 

He needs to level with you. It may not be pleasant listening. All the best.

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She said "your wife" because she's concerned, and being firm with him that he has to take responsibility for his marriage.

 

It's time to have a heart to heart conversation with him.

 

Since you go out often, maybe he's thinking you are the one having the affair.

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So how do you think I should confront him? What could of caused such a big change in him?

 

Confront is a strong word. When did the change occur? One way to help remember is to recall the last time you felt good together. Then make a list of all life changes that occurred near that time--either right before it, or shortly afterward.

 

It sounds like his mom used the word 'wife' to remind him that he is married.

 

I'd approach a convo with the idea that you're trying to learn what might be best for both of you rather than confronting him, which sounds accusatory. That's how to slam someone shut.

 

I'd tell husband that I sense he has been unhappy lately, and I'm not going to try to make him feel guilty about that. I want him to trust that I can handle whatever he has to tell me, and now would be a good time.

 

Then I'd go silent and hear what he has to say.

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But, the problem started when all of a sudden I began to notice a strange change in behaviour in him.

 

It seemed as if he began to grow more and more distant. He no longer talked to me as much and he didn't show me any affection anymore. He is not showing interest in our relationship. It's like he stopped caring completly. I still tried to show him I loved him regardless, but nothing changed. He appeared completly out of it. It kinda hurt me.

 

That change in him came completely out of the blue and I dont know what's going on..

 

Another important thing I should mention is that, he is very close to his mother and she does come to visit him often. So one day I come home to find her there. I was in the other room overhearing their conversation. I remember her asking him something along the lines of "How's everything with your wife?". Something like that. So, I stood there to listen to his response. He replied that he "didn't know". That did sound pretty strange to me... He basically told her I was getting annoying with how much I invaded his personal space and how I was "overly-affectionate". I didn't really know what that even meant at first... But I mean, I could respect that and give him personal space. But he also told her "he didn't feel anything for me anymore and he no longer cared."

 

Wow, that's a big deal.

 

When did you notice the change in him? Was it before the conversation that you overheard?

 

I think it's weird that his mother calls you his "wife," and not by name. When my mom asks how my boyfriend is, she says, "How's Arnold." And when Arnold's parents ask how I am, they say, "How's Jibralta?" Not naming you almost seems like a sign of contempt.

 

I see that some other people have suggested that his mom used "your wife" as a way to remind him that he's married.... Maybe that's the case... You know her best. But I would have a hard time dismissing that. I can't imagine my mom or his dad saying something like that. It's just so cold and dismissive. We are part of each other's family now, and they've known us too long to reduce us to common nouns like that. They don't refer to our siblings as "Your Sister" or "Your Brother." We all have names.

 

But if one of us was having an affair, or being ridiculous with complaints, maybe our parent(s) would address our partner more formally in order to emphasize our relationship....

 

Either way, the really big thing is that he said he "didn't feel anything for [you] anymore and he no longer cared."

 

So how do you think I should confront him?

 

I really like catfeeder's advice on this.

 

What could of caused such a big change in him?

 

The first thing that comes to mind is that he has another love interest. Even if it's just a crush that's gotten a little too strong. That's the only thing I can think of that makes people check out of their relationship like this.

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