Jump to content

Consistent conflict for months..


Recommended Posts

Hi ... I’ve never done this and I recently came across this forum —

 

I feel lately like I’ve lost myself in my relationship, in a way. Social media and my partners bad decisions have impacted me so negatively that my good views on myself have almost completely diminished. We’re trying to make it work, talking about couples therapy, taking a break from one another soon for up to a week - no contact.. it’s a start I guess

 

We’ve only been together for just over a year. He’s 28(m) & I’m 20(f) so there’s a bit of an age gap. We decided to move in together after having known each other for only 3 months in total and dating for 2. We’ve come this far. But lately I feel I’m not enough, like I don’t meet his desires, or he wouldn’t seek other things out of “curiosity”. Why does my boyfriend get “curious” and want to see other people naked? So much so that he tried to get to their onlyfans links - and lied about it.. he didn’t get any further than the login screen because he claims he doesn’t have an account, and that he’d never pay for that. So I can’t help but think that for sure if that subscription was free - he would proceed. I’ve been crying to him for months about how low he’s made me feel and how insecure he’s made me with his actions. Not only attempting to get to someone’s onlyfans, but publicly liking provocative & explicit photos on the internet for others to see. It makes me look stupid. And it’s hurtful and disrespectful to me because I would never.. I’ve brought it up over and over how I’m not okay with him liking those things because what reason is there for him to give other people validation? When he doesn’t even give it to me enough. It’s one thing to look, and to keep scrolling, but to look and take the extra step to like these photos, letting these people know he’s looking at them - it’s disrespect... he says he didn’t see anything wrong with liking things like those on the internet.. but I had told him over and over that I’m not okay with it and it makes me feel gross. Does he just not care? Is he too invested in the idea of putting his parts into people? Immature maybe? Idk .. I wish I understood. Why is he so curious about what other women look like naked.... when I’m right here.. am I not fulfilling enough? Because that’s what it feels like. I feel like I’m not enough. I’ve expressed this, but nothing I seem to express about my feelings seem to get through to him. I want so badly to build a future with him as he says he does with me, but then why does he do this instead of respecting my boundaries?

Link to post
Share on other sites

He says they’re just mistakes. And everyone makes them... which I agree and I understand. But a mistake doesn’t happen 5+ times. At this point it’s a choice that he’s making to disrespect what I ask. I don’t feel like I ask too much, if he wants to be monogamous then why can’t he be MONOGAMOUS.. why can’t he have eyes for me and keep them off other women? Why does he allow his “curiosity“ to harm our relationship? We used to be so good, and I wanna be good again if we can work through it. But it just hurts and I can’t understand it and I feel lost

Link to post
Share on other sites

You have to respect your own boundaries. You have to draw the line. You have to choose between him and yourself. You can't have both in this situation. He is not interested in respecting your boundaries. He's interested in getting as much as he can, however he can get it. He's taking advantage of you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

We want to work on it - and it will definitely take time.. he says he hasn’t done any of that in months, it’s just hard for me to trust it because he’s already lied about things related. We came to the conclusion that in order for us to work we need to seek therapy both individually and as a pair. He takes care of me, so I don’t think he’s taking advantage exactly. I said I wanted to take some days apart with no contact because I want him to miss me and if he doesn’t then we’ll know our relationship is finished.

 

I just can’t manage to get over the anger and resentment I feel over the decisions he made against me and us so many times... it makes me feel so lonely.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It’s been half the relationship at least.. it’s only gotten more intense with time. We want to take the steps to improve for us. But I can’t wrap my head around the fact he claims this love for me but has done things to hurt me that he knows hurts me. He says he hasn’t done anything like he was in 2 months, I’m not sure if it’s really been that long because at this point my days fade into each other and I can’t remember the day of the week let alone dates that things have happened.. but I wanna choose to believe he’s not doing these things behind my back - I’m just not there yet because it’s still so fresh to me and hurts.

 

We’ve recently logged out of all of our social medias and removed them from our phones - so I guess that’s some improvement. He didn’t fight me on it when I asked him to get off them.

 

I guess I’m just having a hard time with such a feeling of resentment and lack of understanding why my body doesn’t seem to be enough. Are men just like this? Do all of them just wanna see everyone naked... if so I have no hope for relationships.

Link to post
Share on other sites

He has made you feel devalued for the majority of the relationship, yet you think it can be "great." Clown, this is who he is! If you guys had not rushed into the insta relationship you would have seen this. Moving in with one another at 3 months was nuts, you should have waited at least a year, as your situation proves out.

 

All of this garbage, one would have thought yo has been involved for years, not such a short period. I would still tell you to leave after a LTR.

 

This guy does not respect or love you and the sooner the recognize that this is a lose-lose, you will be better off. "I feel like I’m not enough. I’ve expressed this, but nothing I seem to express about my feelings seem to get through to him. I want so badly to build a future with him as he says he does with me, but then why does he do this instead of respecting my boundaries?" I don;t know what the heck you are fighting for!

 

The dude is a liar and cheat. What a complete waste of time!

Link to post
Share on other sites

After only a year together he can't keep off of seedy websites, you're talking about couples therapy and having a week's break from each other. None of that should be happening. Don't kid yourself that you're in a good relationship, that he wants the same things as you or that he will change. What do you think he's going to be doing on the week when you go no contact?! Don't go on a break for a week, but make that break permanent. You are too young to be stuck in a relationship with someone who lacks respect for your feelings.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

It's your job to undo your mistakes of jumping in with way too much,way too soon.

 

You are the one who has to change, you can't change other people.

 

That means stop the nonsense of thinking breaks and couples therapy is appropriate. It means making a clean break and moving out.

 

It's your responsibility to make the necessary changes in your life. Don't waste it playing house after 3 mos. with sleazy characters like this.

 

You're a victim of your own bad judgement.

Link to post
Share on other sites
He takes care of me, so I don’t think he’s taking advantage exactly.

 

That is the simplistic reasoning of an inexperienced young woman and exactly what he is taking advantage of.

 

We want to work on it - and it will definitely take time.

 

I'm sorry to tell you this, but it will take eternity. Hell will freeze over, pigs will be flying, and you will both be dead before he changes his nature. This is not something to fix. This is what he is.

 

I just can’t manage to get over the anger and resentment I feel over the decisions he made against me and us so many times... it makes me feel so lonely.

 

Get used to it. This is your life now.

 

it’s just hard for me to trust it because he’s already lied about things related.

 

This is the part of yourself that you should be listening to. I hope you start soon and leave this situation in the rearview mirror, a tiny blip on the path your life takes.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It's your job to undo your mistakes of jumping in with way too much,way too soon.

 

You are the one who has to change, you can't change other people.

 

That means stop the nonsense of thinking breaks and couples therapy is appropriate. It means making a clean break and moving out.

 

It's your responsibility to make the necessary changes in your life. Don't waste it playing house after 3 mos. with sleazy characters like this.

 

You're a victim of your own bad judgement.

 

 

Telling me I’m at fault for any of this is insane. I’m not. Bad decisions were made and that’s that. If y’all don’t understand that sometimes when building a foundation, pieces get placed wrong, and it will fall, but it can always be rebuilt. Your relationships have no hope either.

Therapy was his suggestion. I suggested time apart, where he’ll be staying with his parents. If the time we set doesn’t feel long enough to ME then we’ll make it longer. We are going to work through it and give what we can. I’m smart enough to know that if anything happens again it’s over and I choose for myself to end it because it will have been his choice to hurt me & I’ll be positive I don’t mean as much as I thought. With love comes forgiveness upon forgiveness. You cannot be bitter. Mistakes will be made, and we choose to go about fixing those mistakes - and forgiving them. Otherwise what’s the point being w someone in the first place? Nobody’s “playing house” we made this decision together because it was what was right, still is. I was in a bad situation at my home and he helped me to blossom from that. Somewhere along the lines his judgement got cloudy, and he messed up. We’re people. We choose to forgive who and what we want to forgive and I myself am choosing to work towards that forgiveness for him. He does know though that if it happens again we’ll never see each other again & I’ll just leave without warning, the apartment will be empty because almost everything in it is mine - and he will know why.

Link to post
Share on other sites

CB.

 

What Cerlyn said:

 

"There is zero respect and no future with him. That's your harsh reality check. I'm sorry. He's a liar and you can never trust him."

 

And what Jibralta said:

 

"I'm sorry to tell you this, but it will take eternity. Hell will freeze over, pigs will be flying, and you will both be dead before he changes his nature. This is not something to fix. This is what he is.

"

 

You say OP:

 

"We are going to work through it and give what we can."

 

 

That is called malignant optimism OP. No edifice can be built on a poor foundation. Life is short. Don't waste any more time.

 

You said this OP in an earlier post:

 

"why can’t he have eyes for me and keep them off other women? Why does he allow his “curiosity“ to harm our relationship? We used to be so good, and I wanna be good again if we can work through it. But it just hurts and I can’t understand it and I feel lost"

 

Remember:

 

"If it hurts it isn't love".

Link to post
Share on other sites

You two rushed into a relationship without taking the time to properly get to know each other. You didn’t know what you were signing up for when you took the big step of moving in together too quickly.

 

Unfortunately, he’s not the guy you hoped. When you’re thinking of therapy after just a year and you’ve felt sad and insecure and disrespected for at least half that... you don’t have a relationship that is going to work out.

 

This isn’t what love and long-term happiness looks like. He’s not The One, OP.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Telling me I’m at fault for any of this is insane. I’m not. Bad decisions were made and that’s that. If y’all don’t understand that sometimes when building a foundation, pieces get placed wrong, and it will fall, but it can always be rebuilt.

 

I don't think anyone is blaming you for his actions. People are trying to save you the trouble of learning a tough lesson the hard way. But I get that you need to go through it yourself.

 

Some things can't be built, period. You can have the most meticulously assembled foundation, but if the soil isn't good the whole thing will settle and shift and come to pieces. You can't build on some land. Not well, anyway.

 

I’m smart enough to know that if anything happens again it’s over and I choose for myself to end it because it will have been his choice to hurt me & I’ll be positive I don’t mean as much as I thought..... He does know though that if it happens again we’ll never see each other again & I’ll just leave without warning, the apartment will be empty because almost everything in it is mine - and he will know why.

 

I hope so.

 

With love comes forgiveness upon forgiveness. You cannot be bitter. Mistakes will be made, and we choose to go about fixing those mistakes - and forgiving them. Otherwise what’s the point being w someone in the first place?

 

Does love also come with betrayal after betrayal? Is this what you've prepared yourself to forgive?

 

Do you realize that there are men out there who would never do what your boyfriend is doing?

 

Some people know right from wrong, and how to respect the feelings of others, without being told even once.

 

What your boyfriend is doing is not a mistake. It's intentional.

 

He doesn't accidentally get women's onlyfans links.

 

He doesn't accidentally lie to you about it.

 

He doesn't accidentally take the additional step of liking provocative & explicit photos on the internet.

 

He doesn't accidentally ignore the multiple times you've brought up the way that it embarasses you and hurts your feelings.

 

He's doing that stuff on purpose, with intent. You know that's true.

 

What he is doing is not your fault by any stretch of the imagination.

 

But you are the one who is making a mistake by lying to yourself about what he's doing. You will reap the consequences for it, and you really don't deserve that.

Link to post
Share on other sites

We know we will get a lot of resistance from you, we always do in these types of threads.The advice and point of views are pretty solid given already.You are talking to people who are in their 40s and up. We are no stranger to what you are going through. You have hope by thinking if you didn’t get your way in this relationship, you walking away will kill him. Sorry but it’s not going to. he’s got you played. He is just telling you what you want to hear. He’s playing stupid calling his intentional behaviour as being just mistakes. You think you have this but we have seen it all before over and over again. Coming here is your last hope the hang onto a guy the lies, blows smoke up your but and takes no accountability for how he hurts you. You can’t build anything from that...it’s all a folly. You have been warned, so if the hurt continues and you refuse to see the reality this guy is not good for you, then it is all on you. You make the choice to stay with him to “make this work”. IMO you get what you get with this guy, he is who he is. He lies to you and hurts you....this is why we date people, to find out how they treat us and if they are the best choice for our future. Time to break it off before you get more bamboozled.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I appreciate all of you for opening my eyes to the many possibilities. And potential happenings for my future with this person. We had a conversation last night so I could try to understand - it didn’t help my understanding much at all, but it was the first conversation we’ve had about it without turning it into a screaming match and getting emotional - I kept my emotions in check, & he was being as truthful and transparent as he could I believe. Because he didn’t tell me just what I wanted to hear. He does understand his wrong doings and knows it’s wrong and it’s why we’ve come to this point.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think everything you said about forgiveness and foundations etc is true. BUT!

 

All of that forgiveness, patience, kindness etc only works when it is a two way street. It doesn't really apply to betrayal, lies, infidelity, violence, disrespect etc.

 

If you are always the one forgiving, turning the other cheek. giving one last chance, you're being taken advantage of.

 

It's really that simple. There are partners out there that you don't need to "fix" or take a break from... ever.

 

You're at a year in, you're 20 and you're thinking of couples therapy. this is a gonna a long road. You should still be in the happy, laughing, lots of love stage but you're not. you're insecure, hurt, and trying way too hard. you can and will do much better when you realize he has control of all his actions.

 

The good news is-- so are you. you don't have to tolerate any of this.

Link to post
Share on other sites

"Mistake"? So he accidentally liked pics and accidentally navigated to only fans?

 

A mistake is something that happens that you didn't intend to happen. Not deliberately navigating to a website or clicking "like".

 

You've given him multiple chances. I'm baffled why you think one more time will make any difference.

 

Accept this is who he is or leave. There is no magical third choice.

 

And, thinking you must forgive time and time and time again? That's fantasyland stuff right there.

Link to post
Share on other sites
He does understand his wrong doings and knows it’s wrong and it’s why we’ve come to this point.

 

The right man for you won't need this pointed out to him, OP.

 

The right man would be much more respectful of you from the beginning. You are trying to shove a square peg into a round hole, and are probably going to learn the hard way that it won't work.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hopefully you understand that most 1 yr. relationships are much happier than this and most men are not as sleazy as this.

 

Your forgive and forget philosophy is misplaced and the perfect combination of your denial and his ongoing sneakiness.

 

He may have "rescued" you from your bad home life/ parents, but at a very high price for you.

it was the first conversation we’ve had about it without turning it into a screaming match and getting emotional
Link to post
Share on other sites

I utterly and completely endorse what Smackie wrote:

 

"We know we will get a lot of resistance from you, we always do in these types of threads.The advice and point of views are pretty solid given already.You are talking to people who are in their 40s and up. We are no stranger to what you are going through. You have hope by thinking if you didn’t get your way in this relationship, you walking away will kill him. Sorry but it’s not going to. he’s got you played. He is just telling you what you want to hear. He’s playing stupid calling his intentional behaviour as being just mistakes. You think you have this but we have seen it all before over and over again. Coming here is your last hope the hang onto a guy the lies, blows smoke up your but and takes no accountability for how he hurts you. You can’t build anything from that...it’s all a folly. You have been warned, so if the hurt continues and you refuse to see the reality this guy is not good for you, then it is all on you. You make the choice to stay with him to “make this work”. IMO you get what you get with this guy, he is who he is. He lies to you and hurts you....this is why we date people, to find out how they treat us and if they are the best choice for our future. Time to break it off before you get more bamboozled."

 

I am puzzled. You are only twenty. What is the big rush to get tied to this person? You must also ask yourself why your self-worth is such that you are prepared to accept hurt at any cost. Get out of this bind, live your life, enjoy life and remember there are other men out there!

Link to post
Share on other sites

I also agree with Smackie, and I think you're running an uphill battle that you are likely to lose. You had a bad family situation, and this guy you barely knew became your knight in shining armor and rescued you from the mess of your home life. The bottom line is, it was too much too soon, and you had no idea who he really was at the time and that you are not compatible long-term. You jumped out of the frying pan into the fire. I don't think you or therapy are going to change him. These actions are not mistakes, they are intentional. I think what you need to do is move out on your own. Find a roommate, work towards a job and a career that offers you the ability to function independently and also work on yourself and your self-esteem. I feel like what you're trying to do is have this man complete you, but not in a healthy way, and you're latched on to that first 2-3 months that were probably pretty great, but unfortunately not a reality. Out of the year you've been together, it sounds like a good 7 months of that year have sucked.

 

Maybe this guy feels suffocated. it's his own fault for pulling you into a live-in relationship when he barely knew you, and probably damaged from your home life, meaning he has had to help you work through your own emotional baggage, when neither of you were in a place to be putting any baggage on each other at all. There is a reason people date first.

 

What I perceive here is a lot of things working backwards. You're starting at the end that isn't working, and trying to re-write the beginning.

 

It's really great if this guy helped you out of a bad situation, and gave you the strength to remove yourself from a bad situation, but I think ideally, this moving in with him would have been temporary while you find a a new place to live, and then you date. Later, if things go well, you could move in together, but if it turns out the dude is actively participating in behaviors you are unhappy with and then lies about it, you would more easily have the option to end it. I know it's not "easy" at all, and I know that it hurts, but it has to be done. This isn't working.

 

You leapt into a serious relationship with a guy you barely knew, and now you know him, and it's not pretty. I'm very sorry. I won't give you hopes of fixing this. I think it's time to cut your losses.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...