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My husband and I have been together for almost 9 years and married for 4, we have a little boy who will turn 3 next month. We both work with children and having a family has always been important to us.

We have been waiting for the right time to try for our second child and having decided to start trying now he all of a sudden became funny regarding sex, saying he wasn’t in the mood etc. And then today drops on me that he actually doesn’t want any more children. He has been short and snappy lately and says I always have a go and nag him, he has been really short tempered in general not just with me but with our son and others too. I feel that maybe he just doesn’t love me anymore?

I don’t know what to do with this, he said it in a mood and now won’t talk to me about it. I desperately want more children and I don’t want to wait any longer for lots of reasons.

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Had you two discussed how many children you thought you wanted? This covid time is so stressful for so many. I would wait till he's calm and see if you can talk about it again. And I understand that having a family is very important -and, you do have a family- you have your son!

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I would have a discussion not when you are about to make love, but at a time when your child is being minded by parents, etc, and have a nice lunch or dinner together and just say "i know that you are telling me that you don't want more kids. Could you tell me why so i can understand?" It may be that if he is working from home and the child is home and you are all stuck at home he could feel overwhelmed, there could be

performance anxiety - or more. Listen with open ears. Don't try to swing him one way or the other. Just thank him for telling you that. you can then decide how you feel about it and decide where yo go from there.

 

Also, is "trying" too stressful? for some people, "trying" is stressful - but just not avoiding conception but not timing things to try is less stressful.

 

Right now, he feels you are nagging him? what do you feel you are nagging him about?

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Please don't force children on someone if they've changed their mind. I say that not only for you, them, but also for the child.

 

He will be miserable and resentful, your heart will be broken over wanting him to love the child like you do, and he doesn't, but it will be the child who will be the one that will suffer the worst knowing that their father doesn't love them and didn't want them.

 

Becoming a parent can be very stressful for some people. It's a lot more work, a lot more bills, and a lot more changes then they might have expected.

Lots of people have this picture in their head of what it's like, and always picture mom and dad playing with the baby and everyone happy and it being great.

That's not reality, at least not the whole picture.

 

Babies fuss, they can be awake all night, children throw tantrums, bills can become twice as many, date nights can become non existent, stress levels can become much higher, couples can become distanced due to the immense changes, etc.

And literally, some people don't see the reality of it all until they are living it.

He may have realized that it's not for him and that he doesn't enjoy parenthood like he thought he was going to.

 

That being so, you're going to have to either accept that he and you will not have anymore children if you stay together, or start considering a divorce if you want more children.

There are no other options.

Do not force this on him, and don't guilt him into it.

 

Sit down with him, talk openly and honestly, without upset, without finger pointing or blaming, tears or arguing. Just talk and discuss what is going on between you two and what could be causing him to behave like he is.

It very well could be that he knows you are desperate for more children and he knows he doesn't want anymore. This is his way of showing you that he is not wanting what you're wanting.

Instead of creating more distance and upset between you two, just talk to one another. Come to some sort of understanding and common ground.

 

Will you be okay with one child if it means saving your marriage? Or are you going to try and force him and cause a huge rift between you two? Will you be too unhappy with only one child and will consider divorce?

 

These are all questions you need to answer honestly with yourself, BEFORE you sit and talk to him. If you refuse to budge, then you need to realize that it's possible that your marriage is over.

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now he all of a sudden became funny regarding sex, saying he wasn’t in the mood etc. And then today drops on me that he actually doesn’t want any more children. He has been short and snappy lately and says I always have a go and nag him, he has been really short tempered in general not just with me but with our son and others too. .

Could he be having an affair?

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Around an hour after he told me that they had sent messages like this before but it was completely innocent and nothing more than a friend leaning on him for support. He said the message were about arguments with her husband and that she’s know I read his messages so sent them like that because she didn’t want me know. I’m grateful he told me but I can’t help but feel so upset that he lied to me in the first place. I’m so hurt by this and my mind is in overdrive wondering if there’s more lies. What do I do?

 

I see you had issues last year regarding this. Yeah, a woman friend you don't even know relying on your husband for emotional support when she's struggling in her marriage is crossing boundaries. It's a high risk for an emotional/physical affair. Has any of this been resolved?

 

You shouldn't consider bringing another child into the world unless the marriage is rock solid. Yeah, when you're both feeling mellow, I wouldn't even bring up having more children, but instead ask him if there is anything in the marriage he thinks needs improvement. Don't butt in and let him finish. Don't get defensive. Think of it as important info you need to learn, even if it upsets you and you don't agree with his assessment. Could be he's not seeing a future with you, but communication is a start in seeing what's really going on in his head.

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Looks like there is something else on his mind, its definitely not about having anymore kids as he put it.

If you keep pushing him to talk about it that would generally lead to conflicts.

You cant force someone to have babies either, it just isnt a solid foundation to the whole process. Sometimes focussing on different things in life can give that perspective of how to tackle difficult situations and conflicts in life.

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Around an hour after he told me that they had sent messages like this before but it was completely innocent and nothing more than a friend leaning on him for support. He said the message were about arguments with her husband and that she’s know I read his messages so sent them like that because she didn’t want me know. I’m grateful he told me but I can’t help but feel so upset that he lied to me in the first place. I’m so hurt by this and my mind is in overdrive wondering if there’s more lies. What do I do?

 

I see you had issues last year regarding this. Yeah, a woman friend you don't even know relying on your husband for emotional support when she's struggling in her marriage is crossing boundaries. It's a high risk for an emotional/physical affair. Has any of this been resolved?

 

I agree. Who is his loyalty to, this friend or his wife?

 

If my male coworker was sending me messages about his unhappy relationship, it would raise a red flag with me instantly. I would show the the messages to my boyfriend and keep him apprised of the situation, not keep him in the dark.

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I think your baby fever is clouding your judgement, and you aren't seeing what's right in front of your face.

You need to get your desperation under control. Just because you feel desperate for a pregnancy, doesn't mean it has to be acted on. Take a pause and figure out why you are so frantic. Babies don't fix things, they amplify what's there, kinda like money.

Even if your relationship wasn't on the rocks, it's totally reasonable for someone to change their mind on starting a pregnancy during a worldwide pandemic. Feels nuts I ever have to say that.

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OP, seeing what you wrote on this and a previous thread- IMO, your husband is already having an emotional affair, if not a physical one as well.

 

WHY is it that you want a second baby so badly? Is it because you've always wanted a big family? Or are you trying to "re-kindle" the marriage with another child? Either way, if your husband has decided that he doesn't want another one- the reason doesn't really matter. You will not be able to convince him to want what you want. And if you "force him" this will only lead to resentment and an even bigger rift in your marriage than you currently have.

With the current state of your marriage, I personally would NOT recommend having another child at this time.

Only you can know if not having another child is a deal breaker for you or not. Could you be content in this marriage forever with just you, your husband, and your son? Or not?

 

I think your husband is definitely keeping his true feelings about a lot of things to himself. You say your son is 3. Have you noticed a difference in how you've treated your husband since the baby arrived? Many men- whether consciously or not, get very jealous with the attention the wife lavishes on the baby. Many men will- even if they don't say it- grow resentful or lose sexual interest in their wife, or start contemplating their own mortality once they have a child.

A lot of men are great fathers and can still have feelings like this, and sometimes even feel guilty about them. But I'm sorry to say, but IMVHO, your husband is exhibiting a lot of the classic signs of the above. Wanting to "flirt with another woman to still feel attractive and young"- putting off sex with his wife and being short tempered, moody or depressed. Saying that he doesn't want another child on top of this can point to the fact that even though he probably loves your son to pieces, he didn't like the "extras" that came along with being a father.

 

When he says that he doesn't want another child, you should believe him. Working with kids and liking kids is not in any way equal to wanting a big family of your own. Also, people can change their minds. Anyone who has kids can tell you that they IDEA of having multiple children is FAR different from the reality of having multiple children. And I will tell you from my own experience- multiple children is MUCH harder than one. And if your marriage going into that isn't ROCK solid, you are going to have severe issues. It's hard enough when your marriage IS rock solid. Perhaps parenthood is just way more difficult than he had expected. It does seem that having your son put a strain on your marriage.

 

OP, you really need to think about if you want to stay married to this man. Your son is only 3 and he is already behaving this way. Already crossing affair boundaries, already being secretive and dishonest with you, already having emotional issues.

Kids only get harder to parent as they age, not easier. Honestly, I worry for you. He may still love you, but is coming to grips with the fact that maybe this isn't the life he really wants. And I'm VERY sorry to say, but I will be totally honest with you- it's one thing to be moody and snap at YOU (even though It's still not right) but to snap and be moody with your 3 year old SON- to me that is IMVHO, abusive behavior. No parent should ever take their adult emotional issues out on their toddler.

It's sad and frustrating (take it from someone who knows) to realize AFTER marriage and years of commitment that perhaps you and your spouse are not really compatible in the long term.

 

You need to have a hard conversation with yourself- what is it that you REALLY want? I'd highly recommend individual counseling for you. What is your priority? Fixing your marriage? Having another child?

There's no right or wrong, but until you know what matters most to you, you aren't going to know how to proceed.

But if you're just waiting for your husband to magically agree with you and stop behaving this way overnight, you will only be disappointed. No matter what you decide, understand that he will never change just by you wishing he would.

Time to start thinking about reality. Realistically, what are your expectations for the next few years? And can you see that with your husband or not.

 

Best of luck to you.

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"He may still love you, but is coming to grips with the fact that maybe this isn't the life he really wants. And I'm VERY sorry to say, but I will be totally honest with you- it's one thing to be moody and snap at YOU (even though It's still not right) but to snap and be moody with your 3 year old SON- to me that is IMVHO, abusive behavior. No parent should ever take their adult emotional issues out on their toddler."

 

 

I endorse every word of your excellent post Red.

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