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Boyfriend returning to job that almost destroyed him


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If he goes back to his home country every summer, I am guessing he works as much as he can so that he can take 3 months off to go there. That is a choice. I worked somewhere where i had a coworker that worked as much as possible to save up so that they could do something similar -- worked 12 hours every day, and combined with accrued vacation time and making the money for one year in 9 months, they were able to do it.

That might be him.

 

Just because he complains and vents at working so much doesn't mean he did not choose it. He might just be a complainer.

 

I am downrigt shocked you would consider moving to another country with a man who cheated on you (it will be worse in a country where you might not natively speak the language, where he will be in his old stomping grounds, and would be easily able to cheat in plain sight.

 

What was he doing over the summer in his home country? You said he got therapy. Why wasn't he doing that where you were?

 

I would not give up my job and life for this guy -- no way. And have you ever been to his country? have you visisted on your own? Have you met his parents already? Do they accept you? do they accept that their son will be "living with" someone? can you legally work there?

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Not a chef, he's in car sales. The issue is also this isn't his "career path" he ended up there randomly and has hated it for nearly the entire time he's done it. He doesn't want to do it and doesn't plan on doing it in the future. It wasn't his plan to be there last time either but he is the type that doesn't like change and also likes to punish himself which is what he said he kept him there before. It's also very addictive with the rollercoaster of selling / not selling etc. I've dated other people with high stress jobs (former BF was a pilot) this is not comparable. If he was a surgeon and he loved his work and did 70 hour weeks, I'd have no issues with it.

 

As far as your qs abitbroken - He goes back to his home country every summer for 3-5 weeks, with me.

I've met his family, his friends and spent considerable time there. I am learning the language as well. His family knows about the cheating and the awful job as well. The cheating is not the issue here for me, I don't expect that to happen again and don't think it was a pattern in his life at any point with me or before me. He went back home firstly to figure out what needs to be done for us to move there and secondly he needed to rest and recuperate from the extreme stress he had been under for years due to the job. He said he felt like he was at rock bottom and it was the worst time of his life. He looked sick and felt sick, was depressed and having panic attacks, not sleeping etc.

Which is my point in all this, its not just "he was at a high stress job and I don't like it". It was actively destroying him mentally and physically. His family begged me to get him to quit the last few times we were there.

 

This question was really just for me to understand how I deal with him going back to the lion's den as it were because in my mind there were 2 options, stay and accept it or leave and not accept it. I am not sure how to navigate him working there and also not cross my boundaries.

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So what you do is have a talk with yourself and decide if you can handle keeping quiet and being supportive. That's the navigation. If you can't -because of how he acts/reacts after a long day at work, etc. that's fine - and maybe even understandable. And then you tell him without an ultimatum that you're not the right person to be with him right now because when he is with you he's not someone you can feel comfortable with and you are not comfortable with how you two interact/how he treats you when he is working there as many hours a week as he is. It's not an ultimatum -use I statements. Tell him he should do this job if he chooses and that you choose to take space from him so you can take care of yourself properly.

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So what you do is have a talk with yourself and decide if you can handle keeping quiet and being supportive. That's the navigation. If you can't -because of how he acts/reacts after a long day at work, etc. that's fine - and maybe even understandable. And then you tell him without an ultimatum that you're not the right person to be with him right now because when he is with you he's not someone you can feel comfortable with and you are not comfortable with how you two interact/how he treats you when he is working there as many hours a week as he is. It's not an ultimatum -use I statements. Tell him he should do this job if he chooses and that you choose to take space from him so you can take care of yourself properly.

 

Thank you. I am still trying to figure out how to express things like that but you put it well. I just didn't understand if support in this case was enabling or just allowing him to do what he wants to do. I think I've gotten the answer from all of the replies here though. All of you have definitely helped make this clearer. I tend to be a "don't say anything" or "burn it all down" kind of person and am really trying to express myself and understand that situations and reactions don't have to be black or white.

I appreciate your advice, thank you!

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Not a chef, he's in car sales. .

 

I asked because the situation you described was so very similar to an ex of mine, though he was a chef. I identify with the extreme stress of a toxic workplace, as I saw my ex work horrendously long hours and suffer for it. Our relationship certainly suffered for it, too.

 

Especially when he had an inappropriate relationship with a co-worker, just like your guy. I too tried to largely blame the work environment and convince myself that he wouldn't have done it had it not been for this horrible job. But I finally got out of denial and realized that while the job placed undue stress on him, in the end, it wasn't the biggest problem. I wanted to believe it was, because it seemed so out of character and unlike him. But he was no longer the guy I'd dated for several years.

 

The biggest problem was him. It was his lack of respect for me and our relationship, and his fading interest in us. I can understand why you're anxious about him returning to this line of work. But when you zoom out? Feeling compelled to keep a grown adult out of a workplace so that he doesn't cheat on you again means your relationship is in enormous trouble. And with good reason: he's shown you he cannot be trusted and has a wandering eye.

 

I would sit back and observe. Watch what he does of his own volition, without any probing or prompting from you at all. That will tell you where his heart and mind are really at. Yes, you're taking a calculated risk. He might break your heart again. But that's a big gamble we take when we choose to stay with someone who's behaved this badly. We need to let people show us who they are, even if it's a sight we don't want to see.

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Thank you. I am still trying to figure out how to express things like that but you put it well. I just didn't understand if support in this case was enabling or just allowing him to do what he wants to do. I think I've gotten the answer from all of the replies here though. All of you have definitely helped make this clearer. I tend to be a "don't say anything" or "burn it all down" kind of person and am really trying to express myself and understand that situations and reactions don't have to be black or white.

I appreciate your advice, thank you!

 

I'm glad I could help!

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So what you do is have a talk with yourself and decide if you can handle keeping quiet and being supportive. That's the navigation. If you can't -because of how he acts/reacts after a long day at work, etc. that's fine - and maybe even understandable. And then you tell him without an ultimatum that you're not the right person to be with him right now because when he is with you he's not someone you can feel comfortable with and you are not comfortable with how you two interact/how he treats you when he is working there as many hours a week as he is. It's not an ultimatum -use I statements. Tell him he should do this job if he chooses and that you choose to take space from him so you can take care of yourself properly.

 

I think this is really good advice. His actions are taking what could possibly be a 10/10 relationship down to a 7/10 relationship. There's no point in an ultimatum if he's hardwired to do this.

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Not a chef, he's in car sales. The issue is also this isn't his "career path" he ended up there randomly and has hated it for nearly the entire time he's done it. He doesn't want to do it and doesn't plan on doing it in the future. It wasn't his plan to be there last time either but he is the type that doesn't like change and also likes to punish himself which is what he said he kept him there before. It's also very addictive with the rollercoaster of selling / not selling etc. I've dated other people with high stress jobs (former BF was a pilot) this is not comparable. If he was a surgeon and he loved his work and did 70 hour weeks, I'd have no issues with it.

 

As far as your qs abitbroken - He goes back to his home country every summer for 3-5 weeks, with me.

I've met his family, his friends and spent considerable time there. I am learning the language as well. His family knows about the cheating and the awful job as well. The cheating is not the issue here for me, I don't expect that to happen again and don't think it was a pattern in his life at any point with me or before me. He went back home firstly to figure out what needs to be done for us to move there and secondly he needed to rest and recuperate from the extreme stress he had been under for years due to the job. He said he felt like he was at rock bottom and it was the worst time of his life. He looked sick and felt sick, was depressed and having panic attacks, not sleeping etc.

Which is my point in all this, its not just "he was at a high stress job and I don't like it". It was actively destroying him mentally and physically. His family begged me to get him to quit the last few times we were there.

 

This question was really just for me to understand how I deal with him going back to the lion's den as it were because in my mind there were 2 options, stay and accept it or leave and not accept it. I am not sure how to navigate him working there and also not cross my boundaries.

 

Even if you are learning the language,there is a chance for you to be very isolated if your language skills are not good enough to work at the same level you did in your current country, and you might find it difficult unless there is a community of people that are English speakers to make friends outside his family.

 

Okay "i hate my job and don't like it"

So -- you either get another one or find out what you don't like and make it better. learn to deal with the pressure or market yourself and reach out to potential customers.

I worked with someone who was from India, and she put herself at every business in town run by people who were Hindi-speakers to introduce herself and had word of mouth spread that she was the one to go to.

And she was also big into a hobby and made sure her business card was printed in the event programs so people who were in her hobby knew about her.

 

If he doesn't want to make the most of it , get a different job or work for a different dealer.

 

 

Some people thrive off selling, some people don't, but if car sales were the "worst time of his life", what happens when something actually bad happens? (ie, he has to work more because you become chronically ill if you were married) He does not have good coping skills if he had to run away and rest for five weeks. he is saying "poor me" and doing nothing about it. What if he moves back to his country? Does he crawl up on mommy and daddy's couch when things are "hard" and is he coddled??

 

Also, the affair was the result of how he copes with stress.

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The den of debauchery and addiction you depict car dealerships to be makes no sense.

 

He is avoiding you. The problem is him and your relationship.

 

Agree. Unless its something like the movies where they strip down stolen cars, most car dealerships are very corporate-like.

 

If he is in some guy's used car lot, maybe he needs to go somewhere else. I know a few dealerships where specialized cars are sold and the sales people are all enthusiasts of that car, its a treat to go in their because everyone seems to all want to work together and they are really enthusiastic about the product.

 

its like saying all stores are bad to work at. Are you working at the dollar store or are you working at a musical instrument choice where people do not HAVE to shop there but are doing it by choice

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