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I am in the middle of a divorce (that my wife wanted). At first everything was my fault and I started to believe some of it until I found out there was someone else involved with her. At first she denied it and said they were just “good friends” and then I had proof of all the texting going on between the two and she couldn’t deny it anymore. She still said “he’s not the reason I’m leaving” “don’t tell anyone about this”. Typical cheater stuff. We’ve been together 11 years, married for 5. Both of us are 30 years old and we’ve known each other since elementary school. She had only known this guy for about 3 months before she moved out. (Yes never met him before in her life). I got the “I’ve been unhappy for awhile, he understands me, I’ve never felt this way before and the I love you but not in love with you”. I’m not perfect by any means but I didn’t do anything for a divorce. All of our family (mine and hers) are on my side other than her sister in law who she’s living with now and who’s a big part of the problem. I exposed her affair and now she’s mad at me of course but still denies that’s why she’s leaving. BTW she’s already thinking marriage with this guy. Anyway my question is, how often will affairs last typically? Anyone had an affair before and been through something similar and realized it wasn’t what they thought?

 

Thanks

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Seems like nostalgia, closure or guilt . Sort of wanting to be viewed benevolently in spite of it all.

Not quite yet. Me and her still have some things to finish sorting out but I don’t speak with her unless need be. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to completely cut her parents out. They’ve seen me g

How does someone who’s known each other their entire life, been together 11 years (30 y/o both) leave a relationship and get divorced in under 3 months for someone you’ve known for a few months???? Bu

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Marriage doesn't have to be that way at all, we've been married 13.5 years and it still feels insanely passionate and loving and all our life ups and downs have only served to bond us closer.

 

Most of the time when a wife wants a divorce so suddenly, it's because there's someone else. I think you must let her go, it doesn't sound like you have any kids so that's great because it will be a lot easier overall.

 

If I were you, I'd go the scorched earth route, and get out as quick as possible and let her destroy herself with this guy (who probably doesn't really love her).

 

It is possible they could work out and have a good marriage, but statistically it's more likely not to. Either way, you should cut her loose and NEVER ever look back. Try to adopt the attitude that you dont' even care if she's married to him.

 

Move on, you'll have so manyyounger women who may love you and never treat you like this (in a few years time).

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There are books on affairs if you're really that interested. I think a great one is "His Needs Her Needs," or How to Affair Proof Your Marriage. It goes into detail about how people fall into affairs, how it's like a fantasy environment that creates a really deep love feeling and moves much faster than normal, but then can be a huge let down.

 

It also warns that the passion in an affair is so intense that sometimes the cheater will have passionate feelings for their lover for years and years after the affair (assuming they try to stay and fix their marriage).

 

I wouldn't try to fix this, it's clear she doesn't want to right now and you don't even have kids.

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There are books on affairs if you're really that interested. I think a great one is "His Needs Her Needs," or How to Affair Proof Your Marriage. It goes into detail about how people fall into affairs, how it's like a fantasy environment that creates a really deep love feeling and moves much faster than normal, but then can be a huge let down.

 

It also warns that the passion in an affair is so intense that sometimes the cheater will have passionate feelings for their lover for years and years after the affair (assuming they try to stay and fix their marriage).

 

I wouldn't try to fix this, it's clear she doesn't want to right now and you don't even have kids.

 

I’m all in for the divorce right now. I tried in the beginning but it wasn’t working. She has only been out of the house about 7 weeks. Our first hearing is the end of this month.

 

I just don’t understand how you can throw something away we’ve had for so long for someone you just met less than 3 months ago

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I know a woman who had an affair with a guy she worked with and she and he were both married to others. They left their spouses and eventually married and 20 yrs later, or more, are still married. So these things can work out. Other times affairs last a really short time once the novelty wears off.

 

Proceed with your divorce and move on with your life.

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I know a woman who had an affair with a guy she worked with and she and he were both married to others. They left their spouses and eventually married and 20 yrs later, or more, are still married. So these things can work out. Other times affairs last a really short time once the novelty wears off.

 

Proceed with your divorce and move on with your life.

 

Oh really. This guy is heavy into Star Wars and she’s never liked that in her life. She used to make fun of Star Wars geeks and would refuse to watch anything Star Wars. Now she’s all about it

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The real problem isn't this other guy in particular.

 

It's that your wife was apparently so emotionally detached from you that she had space for someone else in her heart and mind. She was probably being honest that she hasn't been happy in the marriage for a while, even if she never told you and even if you didn't do something wrong. The way she handled it was awful. But the fact that she's done this at all tells me she's been checked out of the marriage for some time.

 

At a guess? She was 19 when you got together and likely has little other experience besides you. For some folks that's not an issue, but for many others, it becomes a problem when they realize they've changed a lot and no longer want the same things as they did when they were so young. This is why many relationships that start as teens don't survive the transition into adulthood.

 

Again, I stress that she handled it all very badly and very selfishly. However, I think that regardless of whether or not her new relationship lasts, your marriage is over. She left the building long before now.

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This guy isn’t the reason she is leaving you. He is merely a catalyst.

 

“I’m not perfect by any means but I didn’t do anything for a divorce”

 

If your relationship was ideal , mostly happy , she would not have had an affair.

I’m not suggesting it’s your fault that she did , but I’m guessing you were aware that she was not fulfilled in the marriage well before she had an affair.

For you to say you didn’t do anything divorce worthy is likely you not understanding that little things escalate.

You might think it’s no big deal if you come home a bit late for example but she does.

Perhaps little arguments about house keeping etc.

You yourself say you weren’t perfect , I doubt she expected perfection, but were there niggly little things that you ignored , without realising they were not so insignificant in her mind?

 

Did you try to make the marriage work on a daily basis?

 

I feel like she was unheard or dismissed somewhat by you?

 

But now that she has had an affair , her past feelings are again being dismissed.

 

You were together 11 years.

Perhaps it was taken for granted that the relationship would last without further effort?

 

I’m not condoning her having an affair , that was wrong.

But had she tried to save the marriage prior?

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The real problem isn't this other guy in particular.

 

It's that your wife was apparently so emotionally detached from you that she had space for someone else in her heart and mind. She was probably being honest that she hasn't been happy in the marriage for a while, even if she never told you and even if you didn't do something wrong. The way she handled it was awful. But the fact that she's done this at all tells me she's been checked out of the marriage for some time.

 

At a guess? She was 19 when you got together and likely has little other experience besides you. For some folks that's not an issue, but for many others, it becomes a problem when they realize they've changed a lot and no longer want the same things as they did when they were so young. This is why many relationships that start as teens don't survive the transition into adulthood.

 

Again, I stress that she handled it all very badly and very selfishly. However, I think that regardless of whether or not her new relationship lasts, your marriage is over. She left the building long before now.

 

So we were going to go to Vegas for our 5th year anniversary in May and she wanted to renew our wedding vows then. Also in July she was telling her fiends that we were going to try and start having a kid within the next year. She had dated a few ppl before we actually got together, I wasn’t her only one. So if she has truly been unhappy why would she have wanted to do all that stuff?

 

Why did she take our wedding photos in the house, her wedding dress and our wedding album?

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This guy isn’t the reason she is leaving you. He is merely a catalyst.

 

“I’m not perfect by any means but I didn’t do anything for a divorce”

 

If your relationship was ideal , mostly happy , she would not have had an affair.

I’m not suggesting it’s your fault that she did , but I’m guessing you were aware that she was not fulfilled in the marriage well before she had an affair.

For you to say you didn’t do anything divorce worthy is likely you not understanding that little things escalate.

You might think it’s no big deal if you come home a bit late for example but she does.

Perhaps little arguments about house keeping etc.

You yourself say you weren’t perfect , I doubt she expected perfection, but were there niggly little things that you ignored , without realising they were not so insignificant in her mind?

 

Did you try to make the marriage work on a daily basis?

 

I feel like she was unheard or dismissed somewhat by you?

 

But now that she has had an affair , her past feelings are again being dismissed.

 

You were together 11 years.

Perhaps it was taken for granted that the relationship would last without further effort?

 

I’m not condoning her having an affair , that was wrong.

But had she tried to save the marriage prior?

 

Me and her never had any “yelling” arguments, just some disagreements here and there. No she never told me she was unhappy or how she felt, if she did I would have tried to work on it. She wanted to renew our vows earlier this year on our 5th anniversary and she was telling ppl that we were going to try and have a kid soon. Why would you do and say that if you were unhappy? She brought these concerns to my attention and then 1 1/2 weeks later she was “done”. I had no time to even try.

 

And the fact she didn’t want anyone to know about him either. She didn’t want me to tell anyone.

 

Now she’s just flat out lying to ppl and making up stuff about me to justify herself. Making me look bad when in reality it’s her.

 

Her parents are mad at her and they aren’t talking. She’s mad at them because they aren’t on her side as well as everyone else.

 

When she moved out, she took all of our wedding photos in the house, her wedding dress and our wedding album. Why?

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It would be best to follow your attorney's advice to the letter. You need to cease all contact.

 

Delete and block her and ALL her people from All your social media and messaging apps.

 

Stop hanging out with her parents, you're a fool to believe they're on your side. They're just patronizing you but when push comes to shove, she's still thier daughter

 

You need to seek support from your own people. Whatever you tell her parents will ultimately be used against you.

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So we were going to go to Vegas for our 5th year anniversary in May and she wanted to renew our wedding vows then. Also in July she was telling her fiends that we were going to try and start having a kid within the next year. She had dated a few ppl before we actually got together, I wasn’t her only one. So if she has truly been unhappy why would she have wanted to do all that stuff?

 

Why did she take our wedding photos in the house, her wedding dress and our wedding album?

 

Probably going through the motions, honestly. Sometimes people like the idea of a shiny, happy family life more than the reality of it. They enjoy putting on the performance, and sometimes they're doing it not only to convince others but also themselves that it's what they really want.

 

Her heart wasn't in it if she bailed this quickly for another man, unfortunately.

 

I didn't mean to suggest you were her only boyfriend/partner, but having dated a couple guys in the teen years doesn't compare to having had a couple more mature, long-term relationships under your belt before settling down forever.

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I guess it shows that you can't really ever fully know what goes on in another's mind--even a spouse. You can only look at the facts. If she'd cared enough to fix problems she perceived in the marriage, she would've communicated that. If she'd had good ethics, she would've ended one relationship before beginning another.

 

I'm sorry this has happened to you. Instead of being concerned with how long she will be with this new man, if I were you, I'd tell everyone who knows her not to inform you of what's going on in her life. She's slated to be in your past, so she's no longer of any concern to you. Only speak to her about needed divorce proceedings and refuse to engage in any other discussions with her. Once that's done, know it's normal that you will be mourning the relationship, be angry, and even want her back. Also know that with no contact, no news, no checking on her social media, etc., that your closure will be far quicker than if you maintain contact and keep her on your mind. One day you will no longer think of her daily. It's time to pamper yourself, surround yourself with your support group, take up a new hobby, and avoid the band-aid of another woman until you have achieved being happy solo and are mentally prepared to dip your toe in the dating scene again. Take care.

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I'm sorry. This a confusing, dramatic, hurtful time of life.

 

Cheaters are selfish liars. Know that. She didn't have the courage to end an unhappy relationship, until she had someone else.

 

Its natural that you have so many questions and don't understand. You don't know the whole story and you likely never will.

 

The best thing you can do is get into therapy. Having an unbiased ally to talk to and help you navigate through this disappointment and loss will help you heal faster.

 

That's the good news. You are young, do not have to co parent with this person. You will come out of this ahead. Make sure to heal so that you don't rebound and hurt someone else.

 

Not that its a competition or that her journey matters to you... But she will eventually have to come to terms with what she did, repair herself and her other relationships.

 

Its very painful to people who care about her to see her do this to herself and you. Close ranks in your own life... Be kind to her family and friends but turn your focus away from them to you and your core group. Holding on to them, hearing about her only holds you back.

 

Cut off all communication with her. Anything she has to say can be said from her attorney to yours. This will take some of the piss out any confrontations and it sets a clear boundary.

 

Don't speak of her unnecessarily to anyone other than your attorney, therapist and core group around you.

 

You can and will get through this...❤ In the end, whether affairs last or not, no one can say. But I'm sure at some point trust will become an issue for them. Cheating and betrayal have far reaching effects.

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She is not the one for you. Rip off the bandaid.

You seem to be very sweet, sincere and caring. Find so who will be that way to you.

She is not happy and it probably has nothing to do with you.

I am sorry, you probably want to hear you will get back together.

Do you want to be treated like this? She will do it again.

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Affairs can start in an instant with just a glance of interest from someone else. They don't have to be more attractive, or more wealthy or have a lot more in common...it can be the complete opposite, leaving everyone confused and bewildered. We can be at the mercy of it...dopamine. That feeling can be as addictive as heroin. Making her stop at nothing to keeping getting that hit, that fix. Like with any addiction, there will be cheating, lies and denial. Hurting those who care for them deeply around them, selfishly. I doubt she was "unhappy" that's what it does to the brain...that euphoria makes them think they have been unhappy. It's all infatuation, not love. Yes it does wear off...usually between 6 months to a year and a half. When it does that's when reality hits. They see what they have and have done and they don't like it. Guilt and regret usually sets in.

 

I would have suggested a one year trial separation. Me I have see many couples separated/had affairs then reconcile, and built a stronger marriage from it. Unfortunately she's pretty determined to go through with the divorce quickly. I agree with the others, you follow your lawyers instructions. I say lay low. Don't talk to her family, or really anyone about it until it's over. Maybe seek out counseling/grief to sort through your emotions/shock. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope we have helped you in some way.

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Affairs can start in an instant with just a glance of interest from someone else. They don't have to be more attractive, or more wealthy or have a lot more in common...it can be the complete opposite, leaving everyone confused and bewildered. We can be at the mercy of it...dopamine. That feeling can be as addictive as heroin. Making her stop at nothing to keeping getting that hit, that fix. Like with any addiction, there will be cheating, lies and denial. Hurting those who care for them deeply around them, selfishly. I doubt she was "unhappy" that's what it does to the brain...that euphoria makes them think they have been unhappy. It's all infatuation, not love. Yes it does wear off...usually between 6 months to a year and a half. When it does that's when reality hits. They see what they have and have done and they don't like it. Guilt and regret usually sets in.

 

I would have suggested a one year trial separation. Me I have see many couples separated/had affairs then reconcile, and built a stronger marriage from it. Unfortunately she's pretty determined to go through with the divorce quickly. I agree with the others, you follow your lawyers instructions. I say lay low. Don't talk to her family, or really anyone about it until it's over. Maybe seek out counseling/grief to sort through your emotions/shock. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope we have helped you in some way.

 

Thanks for your response. Everything you’ve said seems to be exactly how’s it’s going. He’s completely opposite of me and she’s now liking things she never has before in the 11 years we’ve been together. She’s giving up so much especially for someone who as far as I can tell still lives at home... She only met him 3 months before she moved out. All of us aren’t buying the “unhappy” that she said she was because we all know it’s a lie. Everything is wrong with me. She’s even mentioned marrying this guy to her dad. [emoji849]. I don’t talk to her parents much and I don’t say anything that could get me in trouble. Her father has disowned her and her mother wont speak with her.

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She’s even mentioned marrying this guy to her dad. [emoji849]. I don’t talk to her parents much and I don’t say anything that could get me in trouble. Her father has disowned her and her mother wont speak with her.

 

I'm sorry you're in this mess, but I'd avoid interacting with her parents/family. Keep in mind that blood is thicker than water.

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I am going to say that she is not happy with herself.

 

There are people that fell in love in kindergarten and get married and are married 50 years.

Its not about "lack of experience" - its not being happy with herself. She may be spreading her wings, but she could also be changing herself to be liked by this guy.

It could be that you divorce and after she is free and available, he'll drop her or vice versa.

 

Stay above the fray -- there is someone out there that deserves you.

 

She could come to her senses next week -- you never know -- but i don't know how she can walk back from this

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So we were going to go to Vegas for our 5th year anniversary in May and she wanted to renew our wedding vows then. Also in July she was telling her fiends that we were going to try and start having a kid within the next year. She had dated a few ppl before we actually got together, I wasn’t her only one. So if she has truly been unhappy why would she have wanted to do all that stuff?

 

Why did she take our wedding photos in the house, her wedding dress and our wedding album?

 

Here is the thing when you post here. You will have people empathize with you but you will also have people tell you that your marriage can’t possibly mean much to her, etc. This can be a really supportive and really harsh place to post. Just because there was someone else doesn’t mean your wife didn’t care. She might have her own issues that led her to cheat. People cheat for a lot of reasons... a lot of people think the grass is greener. A lot of people are codependent and are triggered by other people and leave to go fix them... who knows. Just take the feedback here with a grain of salt because no one here knows your relationship. They can only hypothesize and sometimes peoples’ hypotheses can be incorrect. I think the gist though is, now that this has happened, where do you go from here? It sounds like you’re good with the divorce and so I would say you are well on your way to healing. You will just have to move through the pain of wondering how she could do it, etc. but I have found that you can ask yourself that question all day, every day, for years and still never know the answer. Try to be forward thinking and think about how much clarity you have now about what you want in a relationship.

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Here is the thing when you post here. You will have people empathize with you but you will also have people tell you that your marriage can’t possibly mean much to her, etc. This can be a really supportive and really harsh place to post. Just because there was someone else doesn’t mean your wife didn’t care. She might have her own issues that led her to cheat. People cheat for a lot of reasons... a lot of people think the grass is greener. A lot of people are codependent and are triggered by other people and leave to go fix them... who knows. Just take the feedback here with a grain of salt because no one here knows your relationship. They can only hypothesize and sometimes peoples’ hypotheses can be incorrect. I think the gist though is, now that this has happened, where do you go from here? It sounds like you’re good with the divorce and so I would say you are well on your way to healing. You will just have to move through the pain of wondering how she could do it, etc. but I have found that you can ask yourself that question all day, every day, for years and still never know the answer. Try to be forward thinking and think about how much clarity you have now about what you want in a relationship.

 

Thank you, I appreciate it

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Affairs can start in an instant with just a glance of interest from someone else. They don't have to be more attractive, or more wealthy or have a lot more in common...it can be the complete opposite, leaving everyone confused and bewildered. We can be at the mercy of it...dopamine. That feeling can be as addictive as heroin. Making her stop at nothing to keeping getting that hit, that fix. Like with any addiction, there will be cheating, lies and denial. Hurting those who care for them deeply around them, selfishly. I doubt she was "unhappy" that's what it does to the brain...that euphoria makes them think they have been unhappy. It's all infatuation, not love. Yes it does wear off...usually between 6 months to a year and a half. When it does that's when reality hits. They see what they have and have done and they don't like it. Guilt and regret usually sets in.

 

I would have suggested a one year trial separation. Me I have see many couples separated/had affairs then reconcile, and built a stronger marriage from it. Unfortunately she's pretty determined to go through with the divorce quickly. I agree with the others, you follow your lawyers instructions. I say lay low. Don't talk to her family, or really anyone about it until it's over. Maybe seek out counseling/grief to sort through your emotions/shock. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope we have helped you in some way.

 

This would also make sense since she mentioned getting married to him and kids [emoji2962], not to me but her parents. About someone she just met a few months ago....

 

Are you describing limerence?

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Welcome to ENA

 

So I have been where you are, exactly where you are pretty much and it is the reason I found this place.

 

It sounds like you have never been cheated on before and have never gone through a divorce so you are unaware of so many things, things many of us never wanted to learn but had to.

 

When I caught my wife all of a sudden she started rewriting our whole life together. It was all my fault, he had nothing to do with it, he is her soul late, it was fate they met blah blah blah.

 

Read my words over and over again please.

 

This was not about you, your life with her or your husband rating, this was entirely about her and her character. There will be others that will ask how often you went on "date nights", how often you showed her how much you loved and appreciated her, if you helped around the house and on and on. This is simply excuse peddling because you could have been the perfect husband and she would still have cheated on you. You see this was about her and only her. She made selfish choices one after another until you ultimately caught her. When the cheating is exposed is when the cheaters start thinking about the consequences, not before. Why? Because during the cheating they are only thinking about their wants and don't give a crap about who gets hurt.

 

This is not your fault in any shape or form.

 

I know you are looking for a crumb of hope that she will snap out of it and come back to the woman you once knew. Take it from me that there is no snapping out of being a cheater. It isn't hormones out of whack, she isn't on drugs. he didn't trick her into this, she hasn't been secretly depressed or any other excuse you might be able to convince yourself that might make it possible for her to return to who you THOUGHT she was. She is an unapologetic cheater that tried to blame you for her low morals and poor character after she was caught. This is classic cheater...

 

You want answers like I did thinking it will somehow help. I actually got all kinds of answers from my wife and guess what? She was still a cheater, our marriage was still over and we did get divorced. When she talked about it with me and our counselor she actually had a smirk on her face like it was pleasing to discuss. This may sound silly but answers are not the answer.

 

She has given her heart to this loser that has no problem helping a married woman cheat and she will defend that choice forever. You see if she were to do anything otherwise she would have to admit what she did was wrong, but if this guy is her "ONE" then cheating was the right thing to do or the very least not as bad. Rarely if ever will you hear a cheater admit that they are a horrible selfish person that didn't care who they hurt as long as they got what the wanted. They go to great strides to try and make the cheating less of a thing and barring that blame the victim or both. Anything but admit who they really are.

 

So what do you do now. That glimmer of hope is your heart wanting what it had but your mind needs to see the logic in the situation. Even if their true love ends you could never trust her again because what caused her to do this to your family is still there. In time you will not even see her the same. You need to accept that the marriage is over and your future ex wife is not the woman you knew. Stop trying to punish her, stop trying to form a coalition of family and friends to take your side because it will not work. Stay close to your family and friends, lean on them for support during the bad days but always remember this was not your fault, you will be okay once it is all over and your life will go on just fine with her out of your life.

 

Read my signature below, it helped me and it will help you.

 

Keep posting, we will help.

 

Lost

 

PS The loser my wife cheated on me with turned out not to be her soul mate and it was not fate that brought them together. The relationship lasted about 2 years and she was miserable for about the last year until she cheated on him with the guy she is now with. I like the new guy, he has no idea of her cheating...

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Affairs can start in an instant with just a glance of interest from someone else. They don't have to be more attractive, or more wealthy or have a lot more in common...it can be the complete opposite, leaving everyone confused and bewildered. We can be at the mercy of it...dopamine. That feeling can be as addictive as heroin. Making her stop at nothing to keeping getting that hit, that fix. Like with any addiction, there will be cheating, lies and denial. Hurting those who care for them deeply around them, selfishly. I doubt she was "unhappy" that's what it does to the brain...that euphoria makes them think they have been unhappy. It's all infatuation, not love. Yes it does wear off...usually between 6 months to a year and a half. When it does that's when reality hits. They see what they have and have done and they don't like it. Guilt and regret usually sets in.

 

I would have suggested a one year trial separation. Me I have see many couples separated/had affairs then reconcile, and built a stronger marriage from it. Unfortunately she's pretty determined to go through with the divorce quickly. I agree with the others, you follow your lawyers instructions. I say lay low. Don't talk to her family, or really anyone about it until it's over. Maybe seek out counseling/grief to sort through your emotions/shock. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope we have helped you in some way.

 

Oh and she said it’s not infatuation or limerence, what she feels is “love”.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Well the divorce was finalized today. She just got a little extra money, no spousal support, no retirements broken up and I kept the house. So she basically just got some money and her car. When we were walking back to our cars she said “you know if you ever need anything you let me know” then gave me a hug and kiss (partially on the lips) [emoji2962]. That was it for today

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