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I don't know if I should keep fighting for my marriage


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I'm new to this forum so excuse me if I'm not that clear in what I'm about to say.

I have been married for almost two years now.

We got married after a very short relationship which was wonderful and very loving.

We saw eachother every day and he was extremely attached to me, which was pretty unusual because of the length of time we had known eachother.

Right away in the relationship he expressed his wish to marry me and start a family.

To be honest I had a feeling that we were rushing things but he was the first person that I really felt that I was in love with.

I got pregnant and we got married.

Right away, the problems started to appear.

Just after the wedding he said that I should cut contact with my mom I should try to take advantage of her financially.

At the beginning we lived with his parents know we live in a different part of rhe house whis is big-this is pretty usual in my country.

The family dynamics is unusual.

His parents are extremely controlling and manipulative. My husband is totally submissive to them and thinks that this is normal.

He basically can not do anything in life without their approval.

He spends at least three hours a day with them.

It's a very strange and difficult situation.

They want to control every aspect of my and my small child's life.

Even when it came to where and how should I give birth-he completely ignored me and basically asked them where should I give birth.

Basically, he isn't at all close to me, it's like he has this unbreakable unhealthy bond with his family that is completely ruining his life and he isn't aware of it.

I'm thinking of ending things because every effort to talk to him is basically pointless.

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It does sound unhealthy. I'm sorry to hear this. If you leave or move out both of you still have to come to a custody arrangement and he will still be in your child's life. Can you speak with a lawyer in private without them knowing that you are considering separation or divorce? You'll gain the proper legal advice that way and hopefully be able to leave safely.

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I have already done this and I have also consulted a psychologist.She advised me not rush things to be patient and basically try to somehow win him over.

Now I am in a dilemma.

Is it best if I end things faster or give myself some time to just think things through.

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You are joking....please get a new psychiatrist....one that actually specializes in personality disorders and can recognize the danger signs. The one you spoke with is pretty much a clueless quack.

 

Trying to isolate you from your family, friends, your support system is the first stages of abusive relationships. Next step is control. Be it direct or through his family, the apple never falls far from the tree.

 

Your entire relationship, the whirlwind romance and a fast push for marriage....OP...you are learning the very hard way that this is not the stuff of dreams and romance, but how all nightmares begin.

 

Please get out, get away and get really good legal support before life gets much much worse for you and your child.

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I am so sorry you are going through this with a small child. You need to take care of you and your needs. You need to be healthy mentally and physically to take care of your child. It will effect you and break you down. I think you should take a stand and do what your heart tells you.

Funny I think most people on here, myself included know what they have to do. They want someone to say stay or no it’s going to get better. It won’t!!!

You had the best you could have with him. This is time to move on

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Nothing to add to what DF said:

 

"Your entire relationship, the whirlwind romance and a fast push for marriage....OP...you are learning the very hard way that this is not the stuff of dreams and romance, but how all nightmares begin.

 

Please get out, get away and get really good legal support before life gets much much worse for you and your child."

 

And here was the big red flag:

 

"Right away in the relationship he expressed his wish to marry me and start a family."

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Basically, he isn't at all close to me, it's like he has this unbreakable unhealthy bond with his family that is completely ruining his life and he isn't aware of it.

I'm thinking of ending things because every effort to talk to him is basically pointless.

 

Sounds more like he's ruining your life. His life seems to be going swimmingly...

 

I vote for you leaving.

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I have already done this and I have also consulted a psychologist.She advised me not rush things to be patient and basically try to somehow win him over.

 

You need a different psychologist.

 

You know this isn't working and it's time to end it.

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Sorry to hear this. You are unfortunately in an abusive relationship. You have just about every red flag there is listed in this short post from quick involvement to trying to isolate you from family. You need to read up on that and tell your trusted friends and family what is happening.

 

You also need to confidentially and privately talk to an attorney about divorce and child support and supervised visitation.

 

Privately and covertly start severing things. Have important mail sent to trusted friends/family. Sever whatever financial things you can. Change ALL the passwords on ALL your devices, accounts, etc. Do not post personal information on any social media. Quickly restrict his people from viewing your content, better yet stop posing.

 

Do not disclose where you are going, but get to an attorney, a bank, a qualified therapist (who is not giving you horrible advice and can not recognize obvious signs of abuse), etc. Start bringing important things, papers, etc. to trusted friends/family. Do not talk to him about your feelings or plans.

 

Simply act as if all is normal and talk about mundane household things. Do Not agree to marriage therapy. See your own therapist (not the quack) to help you navigate this.

-We got married after a very short relationship which was wonderful and very loving.

-We saw eachother every day and he was extremely attached to me

-Right away in the relationship he expressed his wish to marry me and start a family.

 

-I got pregnant and we got married.

-Right away, the problems started to appear.

 

-Just after the wedding he said that I should cut contact with my mom I should try to take advantage of her financially.

-His parents are extremely controlling and manipulative.

-They want to control every aspect of my and my small child's life.

 

-I'm thinking of ending things because every effort to talk to him is basically pointless.

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I agree with others. Seek a different psychologist, not a psychiatrist. Consult an attorney as well.

 

Your husband and your in-laws are very manipulative, your husband kowtows to his parents and he's chauvinistic.

 

Since it's pointless talking to your husband and you're thinking of ending things, then go with your common sense.

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I have already done this and I have also consulted a psychologist.She advised me not rush things to be patient and basically try to somehow win him over.

Now I am in a dilemma.

Is it best if I end things faster or give myself some time to just think things through.

 

Terrible advice. Find another doctor.

 

How long did you date before marrying?

 

So many red flags before marrying. Him telling you he wanted a family and marriage, yet you were near strangers. Didn’t you see the dynamic of his family while dating?

 

What did you do when he told you to cut off your mom? You should have bailed then.

 

Get a divorce and learn from this. You are in a abusive situation and this damaging for your kid! There is no future with this guy! What you see is what you get!

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Well I am a child of divorced parents myself, so in the back of my mind there always this thought that that's why I'm rushing to end things.

Also, maybe I'm hopeless but I did love him deeply and there are still feelings there.

Also, comming from a broken family I fear for my child because I know what that means.

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Well I am a child of divorced parents myself, so in the back of my mind there always this thought that that's why I'm rushing to end things.

Also, maybe I'm hopeless but I did love him deeply and there are still feelings there.

Also, comming from a broken family I fear for my child because I know what that means.

 

The greater fear should be the abuse your child will suffer if you stay.

 

Any number of posters on here can tell you from personal experience that when parents decide to stay in a toxic marriage or relationship, the damage is a million times greater than if they had left.

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Well I am a child of divorced parents myself, so in the back of my mind there always this thought that that's why I'm rushing to end things.

Also, maybe I'm hopeless but I did love him deeply and there are still feelings there.

Also, comming from a broken family I fear for my child because I know what that means.

 

Keeping your child in this environment is damaging. Don’t make your child pay for your poor decisions. Get away from these people!

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Change only begins to happen when people acknowledge there is a problem.

Your husband isn't even close to realizing it.

His desire is to convert you to his and his families way a thinking.

If you have to live this way indefinitely would that be ok?

Because short of some sort of radical intervention, you're outnumbered here.

I remember not wanting my kids to come from 'a broken home. But the reality is divorced families are more normal than not.

At first my mindset was like yours. I wanted to stay for my kids.

In the end - my choice was to leave FOR my kids.

 

Your child is taking notes and what they see they will imitate in their adult relationships.

 

You are setting an example.

Personally I wanted my sons to learn that women won't stand still to be treated poorly. They are strong and can decide that being on their own is a healthy, better option

What example to you want to set for your child?

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I have already done this and I have also consulted a psychologist.She advised me not rush things to be patient and basically try to somehow win him over.

Now I am in a dilemma.

Is it best if I end things faster or give myself some time to just think things through.

 

Get a new psychologist and then find a new place to live and move out with your child. You will have to sort out custody and support payments for the child that he will have to pay to you til he or she is 18. What an unhealthy situation you are in, it will never get any better with this guy so under the thumb of his parents.

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Well I am a child of divorced parents myself, so in the back of my mind there always this thought that that's why I'm rushing to end things.

Also, maybe I'm hopeless but I did love him deeply and there are still feelings there.

Also, comming from a broken family I fear for my child because I know what that means.

 

I come from a broken family. However, my mother and siblings were relieved that there was finally peace in the home.

 

If your instincts are telling you to end things because it's pointless to talk to your husband, do what's right for your child and you long term.

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This has nothing to do with coming from divorced parents.

 

This alone indicates that you are with a dangerous sociopath. Why doesn't this register as being grossly abnormal?

 

Unfortunately it sounds like you are financially and mentally over-dependent on him. That you pushed forward with some daydream about marriage kids happily ever after and decided to ignore red flags in order to do so.

 

You need to break free from distorted thinking and do whatever you can to extricate yourself from this horrendous mistake.

he said that I should cut contact with my mom I should try to take advantage of her financially.
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You learnt the hard way that rushing into things and assuming that you love this person, without hardly knowing them. It could end up in disaster and you could find out later on down the road that you didn't really know them and you don't even really like them.

 

When two people first meet, it's all hearts and flowers and they think they are madly in love and everything is perfection...unfortunately, it's just not reality.

Hormones play a huge part in it as does lust and it being something new.

 

When the blinders come off though and things settle down, it might not be anything like you thought it was and they might not be someone you even like.

This sounds like what happened to you, and you're right, you don't rush into things for this exact reason.

 

What do you do now? Divorce. Any man that suggests you try to take advantage of your own mother, it's not a man you should stay married to. I can't even understand how a person could think those things.

 

It's a hard way to learn the lesson to not rush into things and to take you time though.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I left today.

I mannaged to pack all my important things and got away.

I'm exhausted and overwhelmed.

It is difficult because I am the one that ended things.

He immediately called and first asked me to come back then he used a more treating language.

It would have been different if we didn't live with his parents.

I feel sorry for him. He is a damaged individual that is mentally dependent on his parents.

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To be honest I'm too overwhelmed and I'm just going to try to settle and devote myself to my child.

I'm not going to file for divorce I'm going to leave all the messy stuff to him.

I'm afraid of hisand his family reaction. They are very possessive of my child so anything can be expected.

The weaker part of me wants to give him another chance to ask if je can live with me at my place, to try to be a real couple and by ourselves, maybe he can become more independent.

But I feel that he cannot change.

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