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Boyfriend claims I'm his girlfriend now - no real talk of it?


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(25F) (34M). So I’ve been seeing this guy for around 6/7 months. All things have been going well, we get a long really well, I know his friends etc. All signs of a serious relationship. For a few months I was unsure of what we were as he never asked me to be his girlfriend. We had the talk a few times. He had a few concerns regarding some things or lack of in common. He said he wanted to only make a decision after his exams (they have just finished). We haven’t talked about until briefly tonight. Okay, I was under that impression; we aren’t official yet. Tonight I mentioned that I wasn’t sure about us continuing to have sex without a ‘label’ as it seems casual. He said we don’t have to have sex (he’s quite traditional) and then he said ‘what? You are my girlfriend’ ‘I thought we’ve known that since we’ve been dating’. Now I’m confused. I said ‘well if you introduced me to a friend of yours, do you say I’m your girlfriend?’ And he said yes. While months ago when I met his friends, he didn’t say that but I’m confused. Advice?

 

TL;DR I thought this guy and I wasn’t official. We have been dating for over 6 months. Then claimed I am his girlfriend.

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Don't chase so hard. Dial it back. No more questions and just read between the lines a bit more. The idea that your feelings aren't reciprocated can be overwhelming and painful but definitely rein it in a little. You don't want to step all over that spark you both had from the beginning.

 

If you don't feel comfortable sleeping with him, do other things together. It doesn't have to be a big issue. Make suggestions to do other activities or engage with each other in other ways. In that space inbetween hang out with more friends or see how he treats you around others. Leave room to breathe.

 

What you should be sure about is that it is a monogamous relationship for obvious reasons and make sure you're on the same page (ie safe sex etc).

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Don't chase so hard. Dial it back. No more questions and just read between the lines a bit more. The idea that your feelings aren't reciprocated can be overwhelming and painful but definitely rein it in a little. You don't want to step all over that spark you both had from the beginning.

 

If you don't feel comfortable sleeping with him, do other things together. It doesn't have to be a big issue. Make suggestions to do other activities or engage with each other in other ways. In that space inbetween hang out with more friends or see how he treats you around others. Leave room to breathe.

 

Thank you Rose! I feel there is a bit more clarity now. Sleeping with him is something I love doing but we also have fun doing basic, but fun things together. I'm assuming that he wouldn't say I'm his girlfriend if he didn't mean it as he's a naturally very risk-averse person.

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“ I was unsure of what we were as he never asked me to be his girlfriend. We had the talk a few times. He had a few concerns regarding some things or lack of in common. He said he wanted to only make a decision after his exams”

 

Why does someone have to ask you to be their gf?

 

What talk did you have? About how you need him to ask you to be his gf???

And why?

Did you ask him to be your bf?

It sounds like you did but that his reply was he would decide after his exams???

Was that answer really ok with you??? And why???

 

He is clearly not interested beyond what he is getting from you on a week to week basis.

 

Tells you what you want to hear when pressurised.

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He realized a simple label would keep the sex flowing since you threatened to cut it off without this label.

 

What that means is he's still not in with both feet, but now knows what you want to hear in order to get sex.

 

That's how I read it as well.

 

First he says this:

 

For a few months I was unsure of what we were as he never asked me to be his girlfriend. We had the talk a few times. He had a few concerns regarding some things or lack of in common. He said he wanted to only make a decision after his exams (they have just finished).

 

Then he acts like that conversation never happened:

 

‘what? You are my girlfriend’ ‘I thought we’ve known that since we’ve been dating’.

 

That's crazy-making. Of course you're confused.

 

Is this the same guy who was being insulting? Haven't you been seeing him since February/March? Didn't you give him an ultimatum in July? If that's the case, it's really been about 9 months... How long can he keep you dangling?

Edited by Jibralta
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So were you ever unclear as to whether he wanted to have sex with you? Sounds like he had no issues making that clear and communicating that he wanted to sleep with you. What discussions did you have about pregnancy prevention, accidental pregnancies, STDs? What I think is that you are having fun having sex with this person and you didn't want that to stop so you didn't rock the boat. I'm also confused as to why you would wait for him to ask you as if this is some sort of traditional dynamic -this is a person you had sex with before having a commitment so I think that whole "oh I hope he asks me to be his girlfriend" - is kinda not part of this situation. If you want traditional, walk the walk - get to know someone with dates in public, have sex if you feel like it of course but in the context of spoken intentions -intentions that there is serious potential for a romantic, committed relationship -or wait for a commitment. Talk about your goals and values. Having a sex arrangement to start makes it really hard for you to then say to him with any seriousness "but you never asked me to be your girlfriend!:

 

Also what's this nonsense about a "label" - what is the meaning to you behind "girlfriend" - what does it mean to him? Do you think it really is just a label? Are you trying to play it cool with the person you are having sex with? Tell him "it's not just a label to me, it's not just that I want you to introduce me as your girlfriend -let's talk about what our intentions are for the future and what we want from each other. If you are serious, show it.

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Tell him how feel now. If you can't be honest about how you feel, for any reason-- fear he'll leave or invalidate your feelings, etc - Does not lead to long term happiness. It will only prolong the inevitable.

 

Also, keep in mind this age difference... He could be taking advantage of your youth. Not saying he is!

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Tell him how feel now. If you can't be honest about how you feel, for any reason-- fear he'll leave or invalidate your feelings, etc - Does not lead to long term happiness. It will only prolong the inevitable.

 

Also, keep in mind this age difference... He could be taking advantage of your youth. Not saying he is!

 

He is quite emotionally immature and acts like a child at times as well. We both can be immature with each other. He's even admitted this. Also, not sure if this is a reflection of deeper issues but he's got into this career later in life (the exams) so all of his friends are younger (study friends) so I don't feel the age gap. His friends are my age. Get my drift? Of course this is not the only factor but it does add to it all. It would be harder to date a man whose friends all 30-40+ with different life stages.

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I understand.... You should consider whether or not his immaturity is a problem or not. I'll explain....

 

His reasons for having younger friends etc may make sense but it doesn't mean its good. He is immature for his age, but at an age that he his personality, for the most part, is solid.

 

The frontal lobe of the brain does not fully develop until mid to late 20's. So while you and those in your age group are still forming, he may be formed.

 

So as you get older, mature and change, this is him as is.

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Projection here. . . I just know for myself, the word *boyfriend or other labels do not roll out of my mouth easily. Especially early on.

 

Imagine walking into a room full of friends who have otherwise not been informed. "This is my *boyfriend ****" is a big declaration of sorts. It's a show stopper sometimes. I just want to avoid the attention is brings. Besides, you don't know how your date will feel about it.

 

We've read time and time again that these status conversations are often wrought with insecurity and vulnerability. It's often not just black and white. Besides, she admitted she enjoyed having had sex with him up to this point. If putting a stamp on it was a sticking point, it should have been addressed before, not 6 months in.

 

It's a private process that two people learn to get comfortable with before you announce it the world.

This is my experience at least. Because of this, I am reluctant to jump to the conclusion his motives are sinister.

Even though I've been with my boyfriend for over 3 years now, it took me (and him) maybe a year to put labels on it. I just didn't see the importance.

 

Even though I know I am committed, smitten or otherwise, it just takes me sometime before I am willing to write it on a public wall.

As long as I know we agree to date exclusively while having sex is more than enough for me until we know better. And just for the record, I don't engage in casual sex without the agreement that we are not seeing others for the time being.

I will tell others when I am ready and not before.

 

But that's me.

Edited by reinventmyself
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Lambert has it right. Ya he's all grown up now...at 35 this is what you get. He isn't going to be this "mature man" a few years down the road.

And I agree with Wiseman, he changed his tune as soon as you told him no more sex..then he gaslights you and says you have been GF/BF since the beginning. He's playing you.

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He is quite emotionally immature and acts like a child at times as well. We both can be immature with each other. He's even admitted this. Also, not sure if this is a reflection of deeper issues but he's got into this career later in life (the exams) so all of his friends are younger (study friends) so I don't feel the age gap. His friends are my age. Get my drift? Of course this is not the only factor but it does add to it all. It would be harder to date a man whose friends all 30-40+ with different life stages.

 

Emotionally immature in what way?

Are you meaning this in reference to the age of his friends alone or have there been situations where he's caused you to distrust him?

 

There's jerk style/sociopath emotionally immature and there's playful immature where two people let their guard down because that's what people do when they're in intimate relationships.

 

Follow your instincts.

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(25F) (34M). . . . Tonight I mentioned that I wasn’t sure about us continuing to have sex without a ‘label’ as it seems casual. He said we don’t have to have sex (he’s quite traditional) and then he said ‘what? You are my girlfriend’ ‘I thought we’ve known that since we’ve been dating’.

 

LOL why don't you give this a try and report back to us what happens.

 

There's no need for confusion. This guy is a clown.

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