Jump to content

Recommended Posts

First off, I will start by saying that everything I describe is the truth including my own faults during the "situationship" This may be a long read but I hope there is at least one person out there who has walked in my shoes to help me understand.

 

I am a 45 woman who has been divorced for 5 years. I had a nice marriage, I was just not" in love" so we divorced and remained friends. What has transpired over the past 5 years of dating has been nightmare after nightmare. My self esteem was so low that I allowed a narcissist in to my life only to turn my world upside down. I still carry bitterness, anger and hurt after 3 years. I spent 2 years alone no intimacy and went on the casual date but vowed I didn't want another relationship again

 

this is where I meet Mr. I. Tinder...I had joined for a couple of days and had matched with a man (50 years of age) who was separated and no kids. He is foreign and had been in Canada for 8 years due to work opportunities. We exchanged numbers and I went off Tinder as did he.

 

We had been seeing each 8 months until recently when he made the decision that it would be best if we not see each other at the moment.

 

Here have been the issues

When I met him he divulged he had been involved with 2 women at the same time. One was married and only looking for sex and the other was looking for a relationship. He remained with the unmarried woman for 5 months although they were never in a relationship she started questioning him about their involvement and he hid..he tried to ghost her. Until married woman 2 days before I met him, texted to say her husband found out she has been messing around with several men and he has an sti. He said he was not proud of what he did and he was honest with me but to me timeliness did not jive and I always had in the back of mind although these things were before me .....and didn't matter he was lying to my face about things I would ask. I know it is none of my business what he did before me but when someone outright lies that is wrong.

 

He omitted that he was with another woman after the 2 ...while he and I were texting each other before we met, he was sleeping with her on valentines day 3 days before he texted me. He lied about sleeping with hookers on vacation again before me but I found out. I will admit right now it was invasion of privacy but I went through his phone and seen it all. He said it was his past and not something he wanted out and that I would have ran if he told me that. It set the tone for the remaining time together....he said he was 100% faithful and I am certain he was BUT I kept asking him often if he was talking to or seeing other women...it got worse after about 6 months in to our relationship when he finally came out and said he didn't want us to be in a relationship anymore he doesn't want a relationship with me or anyone else.....that just made me think does he want that as the reason to see other people????

 

Throughout this I was giving my all...showing affection, care ..using my energy and I would never get anything in return. He grew up not knowing how to communicate, show affection or give compliments it left me feeling completely insecure and unsure how he felt about me. If I would ask, he would say stop fishing. He admitted that he has feelings for me but does not know what they are. He also stated that he is sorry that he could not return to me what I gave in the relationship. He says trust is number one and my constant asking silly questions or asking if he is seeing anyone else got to him and wants to stop seeing each other and work on our issues and stay in contact.

 

He has many issues with respect to himself and that he has had this issue in other relationships BUT he has never made the effort to work on his issues he only says he needs to work on them. I am exhausted and heartbroken

 

I just don't understand how someone could genuinely not KNOW what feelings they have for someone. Is he that broken???

 

He was married and is now separated 1.5 years and states he never loved his wife and married her even though he didn't want to.

 

It was never a friends with benefits situation that i know but I feel like the only time he wanted to see me was on his terms and he was very set in his ways seldom any room for compromise. He said it was basically like a relationship we did what couples do but don't see each other as much as a full blown relationship and also we had a friendship.

 

Was he just trying to push me away? I keep feeling like it was just me that he wasn't in to but he keeps saying its not me. Perhaps he would be like this with any woman. He stated he has no interest in going online and he is not seeing anyone else and is not interested in doing so at this time.

 

We got along well despite our differences which he said we don't like the same tv shows movies or sports ...it has never come up before is he using that as an excuse as to why he doesn't want to be with me ? I honestly don't know what to say? I hope this absence makes him realize what he had or maybe it won't do anything. Part of me feels he is very confused and part of me thinks he knows exactly how he is feeling but can't be honest and just outright tell me.

 

Before this happened (yesterday) 2 days ago he was wanting to spend Christmas with me and my family.....I don't get it. He has met my family and would even ask what they thought of him.

 

I am trying to refrain from messaging him and just leave him be. He gets uppity if anyone tries to tell him what he is thinking yet he wont be open with me what he is feeling and just keeps saying he doesn't know.

Edited by Soconfused75
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry to hear this. He is not a good candidate to date or invest in. He's still married, sleeps around and lacks integrity.

 

Get off Tinder. Delete and block him from ALL your messaging apps and social media.

 

Get a good profile and picks up on some Quality (paid) dating apps. Use more discriminating search a criteria. Do not date married people, people who do not want what you want, people with truckloads of baggage, etc.

 

Make a definitive list of red flags and deal breakers and rule those people out. Only focus on compatible local single men who are willing to meet in person in a timely fashion.

I meet Mr. I. Tinder...I had joined for a couple of days and had matched with a man (50 years of age) who was separated and no kids. He is foreign and had been in Canada for 8 years due to work opportunities.

 

We had been seeing each 8 months until recently when he made the decision that it would be best if we not see each other at the moment. I am trying to refrain from messaging him and just leave him be.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Is he separated or divorced? He's separated at the top and divorced 1.5 years somewhere in the middle. Either way, take this for what it is. He's not as interested as you are in deepening this relationship with you. I'm sorry about this. Going down the rabbit hole trying to diagnose him will have you run into a few walls and dead ends. It's what we all do trying to rationalize a bad situation. Our minds look for reasons to make sense of the chaos but let it pass as a phase. The focus has to be on you eventually and where you see yourself personally or in relation to others (dates, your peers etc).

 

You're new getting back to dating so cut yourself some slack too. Maybe your picker was a little rusty. Now you can recognize the signs of someone who's emotionally unavailable or blocked for whatever reason. He's just not all there.

 

Don't let this hurt you or cause you to question everyone else's intentions. You can go on to meet others and you're just a little wiser for it now.

Link to post
Share on other sites

So you meet this man who is married, tells you to your face, straight up that he is a cheater and not only that, but fcks multiple women simultaneously. Zero morals or values and, predictably, high STD risk - what about this seems like good relationship material?????!!!!!! Btw, when he told you all that, he was testing to see if you are screwed up enough to accept it and go along with his games.

 

Stop focusing on him because this isn't about him. It's about you and your complete and utter lack of even most basic judgment.

 

Also, dude is 50 FIFTY years old. Do you seriously think he is going to grow up, mature, and suddenly stop being a creep because you are so special you will heal him and fix him? Seriously? He IS mature and what you see is what you get.

 

In the future, maybe don't invest in creeps and actually do pay attention to what someone has done in the past or is doing in the present, as he is speaking to you. That tells you everything you need to know about their character and how your own story will go if you get involved.

 

Btw, please for the love of, stop kidding yourself that he was loyal to you in any way or that you had a relationship. You had nothing. If you want a relationship and a boyfriend, find a man who is actually single and not a cheater. Do get a full STD panel and pray that you didn't get anything from him.

 

Also, as Wiseman suggests, going forward, make a list of deal breakers for yourself - not single and cheater should be right at the top on there.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome to ENA

 

What are you confused about? You stated all his lies, betrayals and deceit so what is confusing?

 

This man is a selfish person that uses women for his enjoyment (married or not) and when something better comes along he ghosts.

 

You were used and he is now done using you and more than likely has moved on to another poor soul.

 

Why on earth would you want to contact him? For answers to questions you already know the answers to?

 

He is who he is and will not change. Once you knew who/what this man was everything that happened from there on out is on you because you chose to continue. Harsh I know but you willingly ignored so many red flags how else can anyone put it more subtly?

 

I would bet his wife doesn't even know they are separated.

 

To answer your questions:

 

No he is not that broken as he knew exactly what he was doing. He had his fun and now the emotionless jerk has moved on.

 

It was a FWB for him. He had a friend that he had sex with on his terms only. Sorry

 

He is NOT confused, he knows just what he is doing because he has done it before to other women.

 

Stop hoping he will miss you because you probably have been replaced.

 

Stop thinking or imagining what you had with him was anything more to him than some fun and sex because that is all he is capable of.

 

It sucks to be fooled and give your heart to someone like this but you need to snap out of it and see this clearly.

 

This guy could see your low self esteem and exploited it, time to rebuild it and get strong again BEFORE you ever consider dating.

 

Lost

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Echoing what Wiseman just said.

 

What possible benefit could such a troubled and untrustworthy individual bring to your life?

 

This is so telling:

 

"Throughout this I was giving my all...showing affection, care ..using my energy and I would never get anything in return. "

 

A healthy relationship is a two-way street, not one giving all and the other giving nothing.

 

And I endorse every word of Lost's post, and would highlight this:

 

"This guy could see your low self esteem and exploited it, time to rebuild it and get strong again BEFORE you ever consider dating."

Link to post
Share on other sites
Honestly I don't think he has moved on to anyone this entire time that we were together I had access to his apartment I had the code it's not like he was trying to hide anything from me

 

And how would that stop him from sleeping with someone else exactly? Her place, hotel room, his place when you aren't around. Heck he doesn't need all night either.

 

Anyway, you keep focusing on the wrong thing. I am asking you again - what about a married cheater screams relationship material to you?

Link to post
Share on other sites

So let me get this straight.

 

The fact that he cheated on his wife is a non issue for you and you came here for us to tell you he really isn't all that bad of a guy and he will change his mind and come back to you soon? Is that what you are looking for from us?

 

You truly have been brainwashed by this guy. How did this happen to a woman that left a marriage with really no problems but you didn't love your husband any longer? You must have had strength then, what the heck happened to that woman???

 

 

Lost

Link to post
Share on other sites

Ex is overseas now and moved back over a year ago. I have stated after 8 months together how can he not know what he is feeling? I feel as though he is just avoiding to tell me what it is. He stated that is not it at all and he has feelings but he has to work on his issues because he is like this with all women. To state I got married because I wasn't getting any older and married her even though I didn't want to....tells me he has underlying issues whatever they are AND until now has NOT gone for any counseling he says he is not good with that crap and will go when he feels up to it. His ex made him go once he stated the counselor had him crying and he never returned. He is basically an empty vessel who thinks he is not heartless and does care although he doesn't show it

Link to post
Share on other sites

When I've tried to speak with him before to understand why he doesn't want to be in a full-out relationship with me what I have gotten from it is that he has had failed relationship after failed relationship and he sees value in what we have and the fact that we have a friendship he is never had that before in past relationships so he doesn't want to get involved too deep until he is certain because he's worried that it's going to end up just like his past relationships

Link to post
Share on other sites
He did not cheat on his wife he had not been with her fir a year and a half I met him in February when I met him he had already been separated for almost a year

 

Have you talked to her? Does she even know they are separated?

 

Supposing they really are separated, does it not occur to you that their marriage tanked because he is a cheating creep???

 

Also, he tells you straight up that he has no problem fkc'ing married women simultaneously with other women and nothing about this raises any red flags for you? Really?

Link to post
Share on other sites
And yes I gave him a chance when he told me what he had done despite the bad character .....gave him a chance

 

...ok...well....when you disregard bad character....you will find yourself exactly in the position you are in time and time again. If you want better for yourself and better relationships, then learn to pay attention to character. A snake is a snake is a snake, it's never a cuddly bunny.

 

As for what he claims about his marriage....come on....how can you believe a liar? Fact is that you don't know squat about what the truth is. Again, goes back to when someone so openly demonstrates a complete lack of character, you don't give chances, you run away screaming.

 

You really do need to sit yourself down and dig deep on what on earth motivates you to act to your own detriment. I mean you are pretty much self destructive in this situation. You can't even claim that you were fooled, because you weren't. The only fooling happening is you fooling and lying to yourself. Dude told you straight up he is a pos and you accepted that. That's pretty messed up on your end.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you dodged a bullet. Leave this person in the past, pronto. Dust yourself off and don't look back. Definitely polish the picker. We all make mistakes. Just let this one go and learn the warning signs in future.

 

The only thing you did wrong was believing someone who wasn't worthy of your time. If you generally go for men who are 'broken' as you put it now's a good time to figure out why or what makes them attractive.

Link to post
Share on other sites

He wanted basically casual exclusive dating BUT again his issues are preventing him from being fully engaged in a relationship and until he steps out of his comfort zone and admits he needs help it will be status quo. He knows exactly what I want and deserve. This has nothing to do with me he knows I am a good woman. His issues lie within himself and will be an ever repeating cycle. I have to question if something traumatic happened in his childhood that has shaped who he is today. He never spoke of it and I have to wonder of there is a reason why. Either way this statement was made to him when I said that I have sought counseling and relationship guidance that it is IMPORTANT to me that I fix my insecurity and trust issues and deal with the effect of how his issues impacted me, he will need to decide for himself how IMPORTANT it is to fix himself for himself and the people in his life. He knows he has to the question to remain is will he take that step to get help?

Link to post
Share on other sites

..... a 50 year old knows who he is and who he is, is working for him just fine. Has been for years. He has zero interest in changing.

 

You are the one who is wasting her time and energy hoping that he will morph into a different human being. People without character do not magically develop character and if you are foolish enough to get involved with them, they'll be very very happy to use you and abuse you and discard you when done. Please tell me you are actually learning something from this experience........

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...