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Hi I hope you can help me

I’m a 30yo married woman who overall is happy with her life. I’ve no major issues, me and my husband are happy and life is stress free.

Lately though I’ve been having dreams about my ex who I was with a few years in my early 20s. I was crazy about him, especially in the early days, and we were inseparable. In the end things got hard and I discovered he wasn’t quite the sweet heart I thought: he was jealous, controlling and after we broke up contacted me a year later and toyed with my emotions for months while using me for sex - he wasn’t the same person I got together with. I had my heart broken twice.

 

His father was also horrid to me and kicked me out once for crying over someone I’d lost to cancer, my ex couldn’t cope with my upset and started throwing things and I was blamed and told not to go back to the house. Towards the end of that relationship I had never felt more alone in my whole life.

 

I don’t know why I’m suddenly thinking like this? Do I just miss that time of my life and not him? Why do I even care? He’s married now and I feel like I was never worthy or something. Like this new girl gets all the nice bits and the family approval and I was just thrown to the side like dirt.

 

The funny thing is, when I found someone else and moved on he sent me one final text to call me a . That’s the last I ever heard from him (I didn’t reply).

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Perhaps your low self-esteem is responsible for a subconscious feeling that you deserve someone unhealthy for you. I'm assuming your husband is a decent guy, and functional feels off to you.

 

You can control where your mind goes. If his number is still on your phone, block and delete. Don't seek out how his life is going by stalking his social media. Your goal should be to work on your self esteem by reading books and articles. Start pouring that emotional energy into your husband. Spice things up by going to a couples store to pick out new items for bedroom use. Take tango lessons with him. Begin a new solo hobby you can be passionate about.

 

Perhaps you miss the great highs and lows and all the drama of a toxic relationship. Learn to embrace the lazy river calmness of a good marriage, but don't get lazy yourself and always make effort to inject sparks into the marriage. Also, feel free to ask for what you want from your hubby. A back massage. Holding hands while snuggling on the couch while you talk or watch a favorite show. Good luck.

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This is just a dream but your ego is turning it into something real. Don't let it!!!

 

The next time it happens roll over and hug your husband and whisper to him how happy you are and how much you love him.

 

All of that in the past is what brought you to your husband and your happy life so don't look at it like you lost something some other woman got, you have something she will never have because you know who that ex really is.

 

Lost

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So much great advice above. Yes you need to let it go. You may be reminiscent about a time in your life when you were happy. However, most of the time all relationships are happy in the beginning. You need to remember him for what he did to you and how he made you feel those times he broke your heart. You have a great marriage like you said, be happy and tell yourself there is nothing good about him to remember. Good luck

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Yes. You're unhappy somehow and thinking of simpler times dating, in college, etc. However it's alarming that you worship an abuser and only a therapist can help you with that and address your current dissatisfaction with married, responsible adult life.

I’m a 30yo married woman

 

my early 20s.

 

Do I just miss that time of my life and not him?

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Get busy and distracted so you won't have time to dwell on your ex during your waking hours and hopefully he won't pop up in your dreams anymore.

 

Concentrate and focus on your happy marriage and life in general. What you have is priceless so feel a huge sense of gratitude.

 

In your mind, say, "Good riddance!" to your ex and enjoy living a good life with your husband and appreciate your daily happiness.

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Ask yourself, do you care? Dreams are curious things. Are you putting a lot of stock into something that is actually Unrelated and your brain is working through it? As in symbolism or a similar feeling in another non romantic aspect of life?

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Like this new girl gets all the nice bits and the family approval and I was just thrown to the side like dirt.

 

Oh my god, get rid of that mindset. It's literally stupid.

 

The smartest thing you did was leave that relationship. If that other girl gets along with jerks and abusers, let her. Don't compete for the grand prize here.

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Oh my god, get rid of that mindset. It's literally stupid.

 

The smartest thing you did was leave that relationship. If that other girl gets along with jerks and abusers, let her. Don't compete for the grand prize here.

 

This! Are you a people pleaser? Does everyone have to like you in order for you to be ok?

 

One of the best things you can learn is to stand on your own, so much so that when someone does not like you, you don't care.

 

Not everyone is going to think your great. Accept it.

 

Take stock of what and who actually matter in your life and let the rest go.

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