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New friend not replying to messages and being flakey


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Ok, that's the way to handle it like an aquaintence. You don't need a breakup talk, just keep busy with other things and people. Consider this just a now and then texting buddy.

.Been trying to distance myself for months now but they keep contacting me.
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Yeah it's just the inconsiderate way she is that I can't stand. And yep not that into me. I don't care if we never catch up. I actually don't want to see her at all. But she keeps contacting me and then ghosts me and I'm always like ?! hahah! Just seems strange. But good to know it happens to other people. I find it so strange. I only put effort in if I actually give a . Seems like not all do. Thank you!

 

Yes- if she contacts you then simply reply in a polite, conversation closing way "nice to hear from you - hope you are well!" and if she asks to get together simply say that you will get back to her if you have time to make a plan - because I wouldn't bother.

 

I have a friend I've known for many years- over 20 -for about the last 7 years -she went through a divorce, has kids, we live in a different city- she's flaked on me countless times but not to get together in person -she'll text or message that she "has to" talk to me and when would be a good time -so for the last 7 years I give her a time and then I hear from her months or over a year later. I think the last time was this past April - she gave me a specific day when she planned to call, I messaged back -great, would be good to hear from you, my number is the same. Haven't heard - it's no biggie to message her back -just very slightly irritating. For years we did see each other in person and we spent many important times together including her wedding and her kids' baptisms, and just together. We were neighbors for years. It's not worth it lecturing her about how ridiculous and bizarre it is to send me enthusiastic messages about when when she will call and not following through.

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Another way to go about this is this:

 

Whenever some people don't behave the way I had hoped, I simply follow their cue. If they come around and reply every now and then, I'm nice. If they disappear for a while, I actually see this as my chance not to be bothered and I continue my daily various activities. I don't wait around for their replies or dialogue. I'm very busy, too or I become busy. If they're unreliable and never follow through with plans, I don't take them seriously nor do I wait for them to actually go through with it because I know based upon history, plans will fall through again repetitively anyway. If she's a flake and half-effort type, treat her like one. In other words, don't take her seriously. With some people in my life, I've since written them off as should you.

 

If she's not going to put the time, attention, effort and consideration into you, why should you care? She shouldn't matter to you because obviously you don't matter that much to her. Feelings and actions or lack thereof should be mutual and in sync even if it's infrequent, apathetic and indifferent. Return the favor and act the same. Shrug her off.

 

Let "doing nothing" do the work for you. This is what I do. I have a flaky, half-effort sister. I realize she's very busy with 3 children and a husband who doesn't treat her and others with respect. I'm nice to everyone yet I don't wait for them to do anything for me. I back off and live my life. Then when they have time and they're in the mood, they've invited us to their parties (pre-pandemic), we celebrate holidays, we cook together, she buys me birthday gifts and our texts are kind, well mannered, polite, respectful, random and infrequent. I'm fine with it because I've accepted how they are and I go with the flow. You ought to try it because you'll be a happier person if you do.

 

If people don't take me seriously, I don't take them seriously either. If I'm not worth it to them, they're not worth it to me either. It works both ways.

 

Lower your expectations of others. People are very busy with their own lives with work, maintaining their households, health and a million other daily, repetitive concerns or tasks. People aren't always willing to drop their lives for you. It's the way of the world.

 

Some people are casual acquaintances and some people are friends. Some friends require time and space as I have with my best friend from childhood. It is a delicate dance with people. Be gracious and patient. If some people aren't good enough for you nor meet your expectations, then naturally drift apart and fade away. Then should your paths cross again someday, you can still maintain a safe, cool yet well mannered distance. Handle yourself with grace towards others and you will be fine.

 

Don't make this complex and complicated. You can have control over this situation if you handle this right with the least amount of effort, time and energy on your part. Don't stress.

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Yes- if she contacts you then simply reply in a polite, conversation closing way "nice to hear from you - hope you are well!" and if she asks to get together simply say that you will get back to her if you have time to make a plan - because I wouldn't bother.

 

I have a friend I've known for many years- over 20 -for about the last 7 years -she went through a divorce, has kids, we live in a different city- she's flaked on me countless times but not to get together in person -she'll text or message that she "has to" talk to me and when would be a good time -so for the last 7 years I give her a time and then I hear from her months or over a year later. I think the last time was this past April - she gave me a specific day when she planned to call, I messaged back -great, would be good to hear from you, my number is the same. Haven't heard - it's no biggie to message her back -just very slightly irritating. For years we did see each other in person and we spent many important times together including her wedding and her kids' baptisms, and just together. We were neighbors for years. It's not worth it lecturing her about how ridiculous and bizarre it is to send me enthusiastic messages about when when she will call and not following through.

 

FFFF!! That would annoy me SO MUCH! Can't stand it. It just isn't hard to be in contact or present. Because I find texting or voicemailing just as good seeing in person sometimes. I don't expect much. It does feel hurtful when they don't respond. Or follow through. Hard to understand.

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Another way to go about this is this:

 

Whenever some people don't behave the way I had hoped, I simply follow their cue. If they come around and reply every now and then, I'm nice. If they disappear for a while, I actually see this as my chance not to be bothered and I continue my daily various activities. I don't wait around for their replies or dialogue. I'm very busy, too or I become busy. If they're unreliable and never follow through with plans, I don't take them seriously nor do I wait for them to actually go through with it because I know based upon history, plans will fall through again repetitively anyway. If she's a flake and half-effort type, treat her like one. In other words, don't take her seriously. With some people in my life, I've since written them off as should you.

 

If she's not going to put the time, attention, effort and consideration into you, why should you care? She shouldn't matter to you because obviously you don't matter that much to her. Feelings and actions or lack thereof should be mutual and in sync even if it's infrequent, apathetic and indifferent. Return the favor and act the same. Shrug her off.

 

Let "doing nothing" do the work for you. This is what I do. I have a flaky, half-effort sister. I realize she's very busy with 3 children and a husband who doesn't treat her and others with respect. I'm nice to everyone yet I don't wait for them to do anything for me. I back off and live my life. Then when they have time and they're in the mood, they've invited us to their parties (pre-pandemic), we celebrate holidays, we cook together, she buys me birthday gifts and our texts are kind, well mannered, polite, respectful, random and infrequent. I'm fine with it because I've accepted how they are and I go with the flow. You ought to try it because you'll be a happier person if you do.

 

If people don't take me seriously, I don't take them seriously either. If I'm not worth it to them, they're not worth it to me either. It works both ways.

 

Lower your expectations of others. People are very busy with their own lives with work, maintaining their households, health and a million other daily, repetitive concerns or tasks. People aren't always willing to drop their lives for you. It's the way of the world.

 

Some people are casual acquaintances and some people are friends. Some friends require time and space as I have with my best friend from childhood. It is a delicate dance with people. Be gracious and patient. If some people aren't good enough for you nor meet your expectations, then naturally drift apart and fade away. Then should your paths cross again someday, you can still maintain a safe, cool yet well mannered distance. Handle yourself with grace towards others and you will be fine.

 

Don't make this complex and complicated. You can have control over this situation if you handle this right with the least amount of effort, time and energy on your part. Don't stress.

 

YES! This is what I will do from now. I keep getting disappointed because I am expecting too much and giving too much in my responses. I am ready to do that now. I see it for what it is and it's all good. It's also a good lesson for next time. I think when I met her I was in a different stage of my life. And I've learnt more since then. I've learnt to sit back and observe. Observe people's behaviour and THEN give them trust or more time and attention. I didn't do this in the first instance so I invested more time and energy than I should have and it was hard to let it go because we do have so much in common and I thought it was a good new potential friend. But this behaviour is so bizarre to me. I honestly can't stand it. I don't do live by halves so I definitely don't want people like that surrounding me. And I respect her choice to be like that but it's not what I choose for me and i think that's why it's grating so much.

 

I honestly cannot believe I have even spent this much time analysing it!!! Obviously a lesson I needed to learn and was JUST NOT GETTING IT. hahaha

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YES! This is what I will do from now. I keep getting disappointed because I am expecting too much and giving too much in my responses. I am ready to do that now. I see it for what it is and it's all good. It's also a good lesson for next time. I think when I met her I was in a different stage of my life. And I've learnt more since then. I've learnt to sit back and observe. Observe people's behaviour and THEN give them trust or more time and attention. I didn't do this in the first instance so I invested more time and energy than I should have and it was hard to let it go because we do have so much in common and I thought it was a good new potential friend. But this behaviour is so bizarre to me. I honestly can't stand it. I don't do live by halves so I definitely don't want people like that surrounding me. And I respect her choice to be like that but it's not what I choose for me and i think that's why it's grating so much.

 

I honestly cannot believe I have even spent this much time analysing it!!! Obviously a lesson I needed to learn and was JUST NOT GETTING IT. hahaha

 

I agree but I don't think you respect her "choice" -because you find it bizarre. You denigrate it as "live by halves" - but if you did respect -and accept it -it just means she doesn't consider you a close friend, she contacts you when it's convenient for her and her actions are clear that she is not interested in putting in the effort to actually make and keep a plan . I'm not like that either and actually I do not respect someone who behaves in an unreliable way. I do respect if someone doesn't want to be more than casual acquaintances. And yes I back off. It's ok not to respect her flakiness - you don't have to bend over backwards to respect someone who lacks the decency to keep a promise without apologizing. Whether it's a friend, a coworker, a cashier.

 

I have a new friend and she seems to want to be good friends. We'd been texting and talking regularly. But one night she said she was going to watch a movie with her husband and I texted back "enjoy!" We'd been texting a lot -initiated by me mostly so I figured ball was in her court, I didn't want to be too intense. 5 days later she calls me -wondering why she hasn't heard from me. I didn't make a point of "ball in your court" but texted something like -oh I assumed you were busy, that's funny! And we spoke and all is good. So sometimes these newer friendships take some adjustments and yes holding back helps that a lot -the perspective is much healthier that way IMO.

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We'd been texting a lot -initiated by me mostly so I figured ball was in her court, I didn't want to be too intense. 5 days later she calls me -wondering why she hasn't heard from me. I didn't make a point of "ball in your court" but texted something like -oh I assumed you were busy, that's funny! And we spoke and all is good.

 

That just made me think in terms of games. Not head games, but games people play for enjoyment, like ping pong, tennis, checkers, chess, etc.

 

Ping pong and checkers are different. Some people prefer ping pong to checkers and some people prefer checkers to ping pong.

 

With ping pong, you need an immediate volley or the game doesn't work.

 

With checkers, you can get up and walk away for an hour or a month or a year, as long as you know the board is in a safe place that won't be disturbed (which it is). Then you can come back at any time and pick up where you left off.

 

When two ping pong players find each other, they have a good time. Similarly, two checkers players fall into step easily.

 

It's when a ping pong player meets a checkers player that things can get a little weird. Most obviously for the ping pong player, who needs that fast return. But even for the checkers player, who needs time and space, and who may feel overwhelmed by the speediness of ping pong.

 

it just means she doesn't consider you a close friend, she contacts you when it's convenient for her.

 

I don't necessarily agree about the "not close friends" part, as my friendships, which are a lot less frequently communicative, are close. We love each other. We are there for each other. We just like our space. But yes, I would say we would find it inconvenient to organize our lives around regular communication with each other, texts, phone calls, etc. So, we don't do it.

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That just made me think in terms of games. Not head games, but games people play for enjoyment, like ping pong, tennis, checkers, chess, etc.

 

Ping pong and checkers are different. Some people prefer ping pong to checkers and some people prefer checkers to ping pong.

 

With ping pong, you need an immediate volley or the game doesn't work.

 

With checkers, you can get up and walk away for an hour or a month or a year, as long as you know the board is in a safe place that won't be disturbed (which it is). Then you can come back at any time and pick up where you left off.

 

When two ping pong players find each other, they have a good time. Similarly, two checkers players fall into step easily.

 

It's when a ping pong player meets a checkers player that things can get a little weird. Most obviously for the ping pong player, who needs that fast return. But even for the checkers player, who needs time and space, and who may feel overwhelmed by the speediness of ping pong.

 

 

 

I don't necessarily agree about the "not close friends" part, as my friendships, which are a lot less frequently communicative, are close. We love each other. We are there for each other. We just like our space. But yes, I would say we would find it inconvenient to organize our lives around regular communication with each other, texts, phone calls, etc. So, we don't do it.

 

Oh you know I do agree with you totally and love the games analogy. I don't need to talk to close friends all the time for exactly the same reasons. I was referring to two other situations -one is a beginning friendship when to become close you do need to get to know each other -that really shouldn't be through text (although, thanks covid) and it doesn't require ping pong at all but it does require building trust -consistency and reliability- related to that is the making plans thing. So with newer friends I think it's even more important to follow through -with older friends you've built up goodwill so a flakey phase or time is not as big a deal.

 

I do love catching up with a close friend after months and it's like no time has passed!!

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I was referring to two other situations -one is a beginning friendship when to become close you do need to get to know each other -that really shouldn't be through text (although, thanks covid) and it doesn't require ping pong at all but it does require building trust -consistency and reliability- related to that is the making plans thing. So with newer friends I think it's even more important to follow through

 

Yes, I think I see what your saying. Like a practical, positive, friendliness between two people (or more) that you cultivate into a friendship. I had something like that at my last job. We went for walks during lunch. At first, she initiated the walks. But over time, we both did. It took me out of my comfort zone a little, to be honest, but I'm glad I followed through. She's a good person. After a while, we added two more girls to our walks. I'm still in touch with them.

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YES! This is what I will do from now. I keep getting disappointed because I am expecting too much and giving too much in my responses. I am ready to do that now. I see it for what it is and it's all good. It's also a good lesson for next time. I think when I met her I was in a different stage of my life. And I've learnt more since then. I've learnt to sit back and observe. Observe people's behaviour and THEN give them trust or more time and attention. I didn't do this in the first instance so I invested more time and energy than I should have and it was hard to let it go because we do have so much in common and I thought it was a good new potential friend. But this behaviour is so bizarre to me. I honestly can't stand it. I don't do live by halves so I definitely don't want people like that surrounding me. And I respect her choice to be like that but it's not what I choose for me and i think that's why it's grating so much.

 

I honestly cannot believe I have even spent this much time analysing it!!! Obviously a lesson I needed to learn and was JUST NOT GETTING IT. hahaha

 

I hear you. I've been disappointed by certain people all my life. I've come to the conclusion to truly lower my expectations of others. I cut them a lot of slack. A lot of people are the way they are due to their own reasons and as hard as this is for you to digest, don't take it personally. I've learned not to take other people's lack of interest in me personally even though it's easy to do. Whenever this happens, I shift gears and learn to enjoy my own life, become industrious with work, hobbies, sports, read good books, cook a great meal or what have you. Then whenever they finally come around, I'm nice. No harm no foul. The key is not holding your breath until the other person does what you would like on your timeline. Get busy and preoccupy yourself with your own daily life and various plans to do this, that and the other.

 

It's not so bizarre to be a flake and only give half-effort. It's actually quite universal because some people are demonstrating to you by their actions that they are enforcing their own set of healthy boundaries with you. They're telling you through their actions or lack thereof that this is the only type of friendship / relationship and correspondence they're willing to give and exchange with you and that's it. No more no less. You should get the message.

 

In many ways, I'm reminiscent of you. I'm not flaky nor the half-effort type either. Either I'm all in or I lose interest in some people rather quickly. However, I've learned to work with people, too. I accept their various personalities and quirks as is. If there's a long pause between correspondence or seeing each other, I'm okay with it because I respect how they are and their decisions or choices. Not everyone is invested in you as much as you prefer and you need to do likewise. Many people only want to keep things "light and polite" with you so either give them what they want or leave the relationship or friendship on your terms without being rude. There's always a way to handle situations with class.

 

I have plenty of flakes and half-effort people in my life yet I don't hold it against them. I simply don't care and live my own life. Don't put too much stock in people because you'll feel more self confident and secure.

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It's best to level the playing field. That means when someone is a casual aquaintence, stop overdoing it as if you're best friends.

 

how am I overdoing it? She is contacting me and I am replying and then getting frustrated when she doesn't respond and treating me like any other normal person would. Basically ignoring me and then suggesting to catch up and never following through on that. I haven't initiated contact in months but every time she does I respect her and forget her past behaviour which I am now accepting as reality.

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I hear you. I've been disappointed by certain people all my life. I've come to the conclusion to truly lower my expectations of others. I cut them a lot of slack. A lot of people are the way they are due to their own reasons and as hard as this is for you to digest, don't take it personally. I've learned not to take other people's lack of interest in me personally even though it's easy to do. Whenever this happens, I shift gears and learn to enjoy my own life, become industrious with work, hobbies, sports, read good books, cook a great meal or what have you. Then whenever they finally come around, I'm nice. No harm no foul. The key is not holding your breath until the other person does what you would like on your timeline. Get busy and preoccupy yourself with your own daily life and various plans to do this, that and the other.

 

It's not so bizarre to be a flake and only give half-effort. It's actually quite universal because some people are demonstrating to you by their actions that they are enforcing their own set of healthy boundaries with you. They're telling you through their actions or lack thereof that this is the only type of friendship / relationship and correspondence they're willing to give and exchange with you and that's it. No more no less. You should get the message.

 

In many ways, I'm reminiscent of you. I'm not flaky nor the half-effort type either. Either I'm all in or I lose interest in some people rather quickly. However, I've learned to work with people, too. I accept their various personalities and quirks as is. If there's a long pause between correspondence or seeing each other, I'm okay with it because I respect how they are and their decisions or choices. Not everyone is invested in you as much as you prefer and you need to do likewise. Many people only want to keep things "light and polite" with you so either give them what they want or leave the relationship or friendship on your terms without being rude. There's always a way to handle situations with class.

 

I have plenty of flakes and half-effort people in my life yet I don't hold it against them. I simply don't care and live my own life. Don't put too much stock in people because you'll feel more self confident and secure.

 

yeah I hear you and honestly I let almost everything slide. But even hanging out with her isn't fun. There's not a lot of laughter and I remember once a lady on a podcast saying - don't hang out with people who aren't funny. And that really resonated with me. She's not making me laugh in fits, mostly she talks over the top of me, she doesn't want to put effort into the friendship, she doesn't reply or follow through with her word... yes she's a lovely person and I think she's really nice but all those things add up. If she was the most fun person to hang with I'd let all of it slide because it would be worth it. It's not for me now.

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yeah I hear you and honestly I let almost everything slide. But even hanging out with her isn't fun. There's not a lot of laughter and I remember once a lady on a podcast saying - don't hang out with people who aren't funny. And that really resonated with me. She's not making me laugh in fits, mostly she talks over the top of me, she doesn't want to put effort into the friendship, she doesn't reply or follow through with her word... yes she's a lovely person and I think she's really nice but all those things add up. If she was the most fun person to hang with I'd let all of it slide because it would be worth it. It's not for me now.

 

Anyone who interrupts is very rude. I'll never tolerate it because the other person is very selfish. I don't interrupt nor talk over others so I expect the same respect and common courtesy. You need to dismiss her and not dwell on her anymore.

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