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New friend not replying to messages and being flakey


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Part of it is that I am very content in my life right now. If I were less content, I know I would reach out to people more.

 

Yes! That's it, exactly. It's the same for me. I too am content with how things are and I don't feel it's necessary to contact people, like maybe I used to years back.

 

I don't mind the odd message here or there, but I am a wife and mom and it's a full plate already.

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You see, I prefer this in a friend. It means I don't have to do any maintenance lol!!! I also don't have any houseplants, by the way....

 

I think it's a question of personality, really.

 

I've had friends that like to call and check in and I've always felt a little bad about those friends because I'm never going to properly return the favor. For me, it is work.

 

Does that mean I'm a bad friend? I'm not sure. I don't think so... I actually have quite a lot of friends, so I can't be all that bad. But I'm certainly not the one that likes to chitchat every week.... or even every month.

 

I do make time to hang out, but if plans fall through, I'm generally relieved.

 

Part of it is that I am very content in my life right now. If I were less content, I know I would reach out to people more.

 

how interesting!! I get offended if I ask someone a question and there is no response. Or they tell me they will let me know about plans on the weekend and just say nothing. I actually hate it. That's why it bothers me so much. But I'm also like you, if someone cancels I'm happy!! Haha! I cancel sometimes because I know others will feel the same (relieved to do nothing!) BUT I can't stand not being responded to or when people say they'll let me know and then don't. I let it slide if it's every now and then. But 90% of the time is just annoying.

 

I honestly don't believe anyone could actually be that inconsiderate which is why I keep ignoring it... even though it gets to me at the time. And enough to make this post!

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You see, I prefer this in a friend. It means I don't have to do any maintenance lol!!! I also don't have any houseplants, by the way....

 

I think it's a question of personality, really.

 

I've had friends that like to call and check in and I've always felt a little bad about those friends because I'm never going to properly return the favor. For me, it is work.

 

Does that mean I'm a bad friend? I'm not sure. I don't think so... I actually have quite a lot of friends, so I can't be all that bad. But I'm certainly not the one that likes to chitchat every week.... or even every month.

 

I do make time to hang out, but if plans fall through, I'm generally relieved.

 

Part of it is that I am very content in my life right now. If I were less content, I know I would reach out to people more.

I'm with Jibralta.... I like low maintenance friends. I'm completely involved in my own life. However, if a friend needs me, I'm there in a second.

 

Why create a problem and drama for yourself. If you don't like the way she is, start blowing her off, too.

 

Learn to recognize that relationships are like a ball game... if someone doesn't throw the ball back or you don't, are you playing?

 

If someone pulls back from me, I let them. if someone doesn't respond timely, I follow their lead and do the same. Why be bothered?

 

I've had life long friendships that aren't super tight, but we're there when needed. that's what matters to me. Pettiness is never attractive in any scenario.

 

live your life, don't have expectations but appreciate what you do have.

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I'm 54 and moved to my new city 11 years ago after 43 years in the same large city in which I grew up and wanted to make some new friends of course and also stay in touch with my old friends. Making new friends is a lot like dating meaning it's best to hold back a little -not play games but also not overwhelm a new person in your life, and to move on from the flakers/unreliable people. I have several examples of women who claimed such enthusiasm at all we had in common, wanted to meet, and flaked horribly (I am a very reliable -and also punctual -person -always have been and for many years pre-cell phones and Internet!). So I am cautious with what I invest.

 

In fact one of those women spoke to me on the phone for two hours- we're from the same city, live in the same city now -we made an actual plan a month in advance - and she stopped texting me and never got around to actually confirming the plan. Yet she posts regularly on facebook about how hard it is to make new women friends, etc and how people are not well meaning. Mind boggling. Another new friend flaked and wrote to me that I should never feel like she didn't like me just because she didn't get back to me, got too busy. Well um ok but she'd also made a plan and never followed up and you know what -I don't feel like chasing - and I strongly suggest you don't chase people either. Let them come to you more -the reliable ones will.

 

Also I have met a few really good and reliable people -covid hurt that but not them. I have a coworker who I have lunch with every 6 weeks or so (pre-Covid) - and we're both very reliable about making and keeping the plan -she said to me she likes hanging out with me because I am a good listener and ask good follow up questions. We are both in our 50s! So think about that too - think about whether you are coming across as too needy.

 

It's really hard to make new friends and it's worth it to me -not because I am lonely -I am not, and really have never felt lonely (I got married in my 40s, lived alone for 15 years -didn't feel lonely) - I just like having close friendships. This woman is not that into you - not like you are into her -and either accept that she texts at her convenience or move on if it's too annoying.

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Well, the way I see it from your post is that this woman does like you enough, but not on a "close friend" level. It seems she only wants to be an acquaintance who speaks to you once in a while. She's probably not that keen to actually hang out because she may be busy with work, other friends and obviously her fiance as well. It just seems like maybe she doesn't "need" you and already has other people in her life that she spends time with. Also I guess she's not crazy about you because she's not making that much effort towards you.

 

I think it's not a crime to only want to be someone's acquaintance, but what is rude is that she never follows through when she says you'll catch up. She also just quickly drops out of your conversations, when she was the one that actually started the conversation. I think if she's not going to follow through then why bother initiating messages or suggesting to catch up?

 

I think whether you stop talking to her or not really depends how much all this bothers you. For example, I have a lot of acquaintances who are kind of the same. But I don't really care because I have a few really close friends and best friends that I always talk to and spend time with. I'm happy with my close friendships so it doesn't actually worry me if an acquaintance just contacts me once in a blue moon or flakes on me, because I don't really need them anyway. I'm happy to talk to my acquaintances and see them occasionally and I understand it's not a close friendship.

 

It seems you're feeling hurt because you actually want a lot more from this woman and you want to be close friends. And the fact that she doesn't want the same is upsetting you. I think if this friendship isn't going the way you want it to, then just stop replying to her. I don't really think you need to give some big speech that you're ending the friendship, but just stop communicating with her. It doesn't sound like you're close so she might not even care. But if she asks you why you don't reply, then you could tell her the reasons.

 

I would recommend trying to make other friends through Meetup.com, social groups, classes, events, even using friendship websites and apps like Patook.

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There's a difference between not responding to you (or as people say now, "leaving him or her on read") and making suggestions regularly to meet up but not ever following through or following up.

 

When someone doesn't respond to a text or call you back it means that either something else has come up or they would rather do something else that day. In a regular friendship that's established or where people know one another, the lag in communication is not a big deal. For you it is because I think this person has rubbed you the wrong way one too many times.

 

If I text a friend (male or female), one of us eventually fades out or doesn't respond or simply say 'goodnight' or 'hope you have a good rest of the day' and that signals the end of it... till next time so to speak. If they or I don't do that, it's also not a big deal. We pick up where we left off days or a couple of weeks later.

 

From what you've said, it seems she's offering to make plans with you and you're looking forward to them but she doesn't ever follow up. This isn't someone who values your time or she doesn't mean what she says. It's different from talking about a topic and then letting the conversation subside naturally or intermittent or slow communication. I'd avoid individuals who don't mean what they say. I've seen enough of it personally and it's such a waste of time and space. An example was a friend with whom I agreed to meet with recently but due to other things that came up I couldn't make it so I called her to ask her how she was and if we could postpone the meeting. Since we've known each other for many years postponing something like this doesn't come lightly as we're both very busy or have to be in different places. We also have a history of valuing each others' time so when either one of us postpones there is no issue or second-guessing. People who value your time will make the time to see how you are doing and engage with you.

 

You don't have to respond to her at all. Or just reply back to her the following week or a few days later.

 

I'll make my suggestion again that I mentioned earlier. It's a good idea to meet others on your wavelength or with whom you have more in common with through interest groups or local community gatherings, online or otherwise. You won't be too focused on lazy or insincere people orbiting around you that way. Keep your chin up... find better company.

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Oh god I have no idea how I'd tell her. I've never had to do that before. Especially with someone not that close. How bizarre. But you're right because I tried to distance myself before and she keeps contacting me. It's very strange.

 

Be honest and tell the truth, however, be kind. Tell her that you realize she's very busy and you're the type of person who prefers mutual, consistent replies and following through with them and / or plans whatever they may be. Never describe them as "flaky and half-effort types" in writing (text) or verbally otherwise it will backfire. When telling people that it's time to permanently part ways due to your dissatisfaction with them, shift the blame onto yourself so they won't feel offended. You have to be careful with how you treat people otherwise they become easily insulted or hurt.

 

Breaking up a friendship or any relationship should be with a final, kind explanation instead of ignoring completely or ghosting which is worse because it has happened to me. If you disapprove how some people behave toward you, always treat them with respect anyway and you can still maintain a cool, safe distance. Exercise tact.

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Do you have a best friend, Jibralta?

 

I do have a couple friends who are like sisters. Three, to be exact. But.....

 

Or one or two women you make sure to see or talk to at least once a week?

 

No! We hardly see each other or speak. When we do speak, it's a rapid exchange of information. So many things have happened, small things get forgotten and we really just talk about the big things. Which is kind of nice, actually.

 

I do make sure to spend time and talk to one or two, no matter what.

 

I wish I was like this, but I almost never think to do it unless I have a giant chunk of boring time on my hands. Like if I have to make a long, monotonous drive somewhere, I'll call someone. And that's what happens vice-versa, as well.

 

But I'm also like you, if someone cancels I'm happy!! Haha!

 

This made me lol^

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how interesting!! I get offended if I ask someone a question and there is no response. Or they tell me they will let me know about plans on the weekend and just say nothing. I actually hate it. That's why it bothers me so much. But I'm also like you, if someone cancels I'm happy!! Haha! I cancel sometimes because I know others will feel the same (relieved to do nothing!) BUT I can't stand not being responded to or when people say they'll let me know and then don't. I let it slide if it's every now and then. But 90% of the time is just annoying.

 

I honestly don't believe anyone could actually be that inconsiderate which is why I keep ignoring it... even though it gets to me at the time. And enough to make this post!

 

So related to that - my pet peeve - when the person is flaky about responding but then contacts me on Facebook -meaning not in a private message -she posts to me if I like one of her threads or comments and expects me to catch her up -on her facebook wall. I just immediately send a private message. I don't relate at all to those "private" convos on someone's wall where a hundred friends can read it.

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I'm going to disagree with explaining yourself along with the lecture about what type of friend you're looking for.

This is more of an acquaintance, not a longtime friend.

 

Telling her your conditions comes across heavy handed in light of the situation.

 

Just shrug it off, move along and be kind (and cautious) when she and if she reaches out. It doesn't cost you anything.

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I'm going to disagree with explaining yourself along with the lecture about what type of friend you're looking for.

This is more of an acquaintance, not a longtime friend.

 

Telling her your conditions comes across heavy handed in light of the situation.

 

Just shrug it off, move along and be kind (and cautious) when she and if she reaches out. It doesn't cost you anything.

 

Yes, I feel the same and if it was a close friend my sense is it would be more of a "blip" situation where the approach would be "lately, I've noticed that...."

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I'm 54 and moved to my new city 11 years ago after 43 years in the same large city in which I grew up and wanted to make some new friends of course and also stay in touch with my old friends. Making new friends is a lot like dating meaning it's best to hold back a little -not play games but also not overwhelm a new person in your life, and to move on from the flakers/unreliable people. I have several examples of women who claimed such enthusiasm at all we had in common, wanted to meet, and flaked horribly (I am a very reliable -and also punctual -person -always have been and for many years pre-cell phones and Internet!). So I am cautious with what I invest.

 

In fact one of those women spoke to me on the phone for two hours- we're from the same city, live in the same city now -we made an actual plan a month in advance - and she stopped texting me and never got around to actually confirming the plan. Yet she posts regularly on facebook about how hard it is to make new women friends, etc and how people are not well meaning. Mind boggling. Another new friend flaked and wrote to me that I should never feel like she didn't like me just because she didn't get back to me, got too busy. Well um ok but she'd also made a plan and never followed up and you know what -I don't feel like chasing - and I strongly suggest you don't chase people either. Let them come to you more -the reliable ones will.

 

Also I have met a few really good and reliable people -covid hurt that but not them. I have a coworker who I have lunch with every 6 weeks or so (pre-Covid) - and we're both very reliable about making and keeping the plan -she said to me she likes hanging out with me because I am a good listener and ask good follow up questions. We are both in our 50s! So think about that too - think about whether you are coming across as too needy.

 

It's really hard to make new friends and it's worth it to me -not because I am lonely -I am not, and really have never felt lonely (I got married in my 40s, lived alone for 15 years -didn't feel lonely) - I just like having close friendships. This woman is not that into you - not like you are into her -and either accept that she texts at her convenience or move on if it's too annoying.

 

Yeah it's just the inconsiderate way she is that I can't stand. And yep not that into me. I don't care if we never catch up. I actually don't want to see her at all. But she keeps contacting me and then ghosts me and I'm always like ?! hahah! Just seems strange. But good to know it happens to other people. I find it so strange. I only put effort in if I actually give a . Seems like not all do. Thank you!

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Is this a romantic interest? It seems you expect a lot more than a recent texting friend. More like the kind of bond in a relationship.

 

Just want replies if I do message which is rarely. And when they say they will do something they do it. ie: let me know if they want to catch up on the weekend or not (it's always her suggestion to catch up! I've stopped bothering)

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Well, the way I see it from your post is that this woman does like you enough, but not on a "close friend" level. It seems she only wants to be an acquaintance who speaks to you once in a while. She's probably not that keen to actually hang out because she may be busy with work, other friends and obviously her fiance as well. It just seems like maybe she doesn't "need" you and already has other people in her life that she spends time with. Also I guess she's not crazy about you because she's not making that much effort towards you.

 

I think it's not a crime to only want to be someone's acquaintance, but what is rude is that she never follows through when she says you'll catch up. She also just quickly drops out of your conversations, when she was the one that actually started the conversation. I think if she's not going to follow through then why bother initiating messages or suggesting to catch up?

 

I think whether you stop talking to her or not really depends how much all this bothers you. For example, I have a lot of acquaintances who are kind of the same. But I don't really care because I have a few really close friends and best friends that I always talk to and spend time with. I'm happy with my close friendships so it doesn't actually worry me if an acquaintance just contacts me once in a blue moon or flakes on me, because I don't really need them anyway. I'm happy to talk to my acquaintances and see them occasionally and I understand it's not a close friendship.

 

It seems you're feeling hurt because you actually want a lot more from this woman and you want to be close friends. And the fact that she doesn't want the same is upsetting you. I think if this friendship isn't going the way you want it to, then just stop replying to her. I don't really think you need to give some big speech that you're ending the friendship, but just stop communicating with her. It doesn't sound like you're close so she might not even care. But if she asks you why you don't reply, then you could tell her the reasons.

 

I would recommend trying to make other friends through Meetup.com, social groups, classes, events, even using friendship websites and apps like Patook.

 

Yeah I don't think she would ask or care. I guess I invested more when she invited me to her wedding! Which was super weird to me as I didn't know her that well. But I took it as a lovely gesture. And due to what we have in common I invested more. That is my mistake. I am well and truly taking a bit step back - which I've said I would in the past just haven't stuck to it. And thank you, it wouldn't bother me if she wasn't initiating the contact in the first place. You can leave me alone I'm all good! haha

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Look at it this way, life is short. Surround yourself with people who make you feel loved, wanted and who give you as much time and effort as you give them.

 

Nothing should be forced and if it's making you feel bad, turn the page. Not everyone is meant to be a a part of your story.

 

Obviously give people a bit of time if they are having problems in their life, or give them a chance if maybe their life is truly busy, however, you've given this woman loads of chances.

 

She and you do not connect. Let it go, without animosity, without any kind of upset. You just didn't align, and that's okay.

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There's a difference between not responding to you (or as people say now, "leaving him or her on read") and making suggestions regularly to meet up but not ever following through or following up.

 

When someone doesn't respond to a text or call you back it means that either something else has come up or they would rather do something else that day. In a regular friendship that's established or where people know one another, the lag in communication is not a big deal. For you it is because I think this person has rubbed you the wrong way one too many times.

 

If I text a friend (male or female), one of us eventually fades out or doesn't respond or simply say 'goodnight' or 'hope you have a good rest of the day' and that signals the end of it... till next time so to speak. If they or I don't do that, it's also not a big deal. We pick up where we left off days or a couple of weeks later.

 

From what you've said, it seems she's offering to make plans with you and you're looking forward to them but she doesn't ever follow up. This isn't someone who values your time or she doesn't mean what she says. It's different from talking about a topic and then letting the conversation subside naturally or intermittent or slow communication. I'd avoid individuals who don't mean what they say. I've seen enough of it personally and it's such a waste of time and space. An example was a friend with whom I agreed to meet with recently but due to other things that came up I couldn't make it so I called her to ask her how she was and if we could postpone the meeting. Since we've known each other for many years postponing something like this doesn't come lightly as we're both very busy or have to be in different places. We also have a history of valuing each others' time so when either one of us postpones there is no issue or second-guessing. People who value your time will make the time to see how you are doing and engage with you.

 

You don't have to respond to her at all. Or just reply back to her the following week or a few days later.

 

I'll make my suggestion again that I mentioned earlier. It's a good idea to meet others on your wavelength or with whom you have more in common with through interest groups or local community gatherings, online or otherwise. You won't be too focused on lazy or insincere people orbiting around you that way. Keep your chin up... find better company.

 

yeah you nailed it. It's the not meaning what she said and following through. I have a lot of friends who are "bad at texting" and often forget to reply but I never give it a second thought! But we have established trust and a friendship over years it doesn't bother me at all. This person has shown to be more unreliable than not!! And yeah, I will look for people more on my wavelenghth.

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Look at it this way, life is short. Surround yourself with people who make you feel loved, wanted and who give you as much time and effort as you give them.

 

Nothing should be forced and if it's making you feel bad, turn the page. Not everyone is meant to be a a part of your story.

 

Obviously give people a bit of time if they are having problems in their life, or give them a chance if maybe their life is truly busy, however, you've given this woman loads of chances.

 

She and you do not connect. Let it go, without animosity, without any kind of upset. You just didn't align, and that's okay.

 

Amen to this! Actually my coach said the exact same thing months ago. Out of alignment!!

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Unfortunately, "let's do lunch", "let's catch up", are often not literal. You seem to be trying to make a "best friend" out of an aquaintence.

 

nah not really. Just don't deal well with people who say something and then do nothing to follow through. I don't understand it. Definitely don't want this person as a best friend. Been trying to distance myself for months now but they keep contacting me.

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nah not really. Just don't deal well with people who say something and then do nothing to follow through. I don't understand it. Definitely don't want this person as a best friend. Been trying to distance myself for months now but they keep contacting me.

 

Sometimes your friends choose you, and you just have to deal with it lol.

 

I have one like that, Francesca. We hardly talk or see each other, but she's like a sister. Last time I saw her was at her last baby shower, which must have been three years ago. We fell into each other's arms--huge bear hug. The whole party (it was both genders) paused for a second and said "aw!" then got back to partying. But when we first met (we were 14), I couldn't stand her and couldn't get rid of her! I literally used to hang up the phone on her and hide when she rang my doorbell. God, I sound like a huge assh*le. I only realized what an epically awesome friend she was when I was in my very early 20s. Maybe 20, actually.

 

My mom has a friend that pushed her way in, too. When she first moved into our neighborhood (back in the 70s!) my mom was very lonely and didn't know anyone. Plus, she was having trouble in her marriage with my father. One of her neighbors, Rebecca, saw that and basically forced her way into my mom's life. Stopped by our house and sort of barged in. My mom eventually gave way and they have been friends ever since. But they are the kind that constantly see each other and talk on the phone.

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I'm going to disagree with explaining yourself along with the lecture about what type of friend you're looking for.

This is more of an acquaintance, not a longtime friend.

 

Telling her your conditions comes across heavy handed in light of the situation.

 

Just shrug it off, move along and be kind (and cautious) when she and if she reaches out. It doesn't cost you anything.

 

I agree. I think this is the right thing to do :)

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