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New friend not replying to messages and being flakey


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Hello! I have a new female friend but I kinda can't call her a friend.

 

We have been "friends" for about a year and it was going good and she is so nice. But she doesn't respond to my messages. Sometimes she'll not respond at all or sometimes days later. It's really annoying.

 

For instance she messaged me last night and asked how I was (i've had minor surgery so can't leave my house). She msg me before the surgery and I said I will need visitors as I can't go anywhere. Then I didn't hear from her for over a week until last night. Then I respond enthusiastically to her message she was updating me on her life saying I've inspired her to do videos etc. (we voice message mostly) and I give her info about me saying - It's so hard not being able to go out and congratulate her on how good her video was. AND NO RESPONSE! I would have thought there would be back and forth. This seems to happen every time!

 

A couple of times in the past she's said "lets catch up on the weekend, I'll let you know what day"... the weekend comes and goes and she doesn't contact me. She doesn't address it. It just comes and goes. She doesn't keep her word. BUT SHE'S NICE ENOUGH!

 

Basically I don't want her as a friend but she keeps contacting me occasionally. And I don't want to be rude so each time I let it slide. As she's a new friend I don't feel like it's my place to confront her about it. But I don't want her to keep messaging me because each time I get disappointed.

 

I'm 38 and I have changed a lot so I don't have a lot of friends. I'd love it if she was a good friend. It's so frustrating.

 

I feel like I am so responsive to strangers even. I've never experienced this kind of communication before it's really weird.

 

What do I do? Or have you experienced this before?

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It's hard to say. Your communication styles are different and this seems to frustrated you.

You should consider managing your expectations of her and accept that this is all she has to offer.

Either that or let it go and not respond any further.

Friendships, at least ones of value aren't this challenging to figure out.

You seem lonely and hungry for friendship. You might consider not getting too invested in this one and making room for ones that are better suited for you.

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It's hard to say. Your communication styles are different and this seems to frustrated you.

You should consider managing your expectations of her and accept that this is all she has to offer.

Either that or let it go and not respond any further.

Friendships, at least ones of value aren't this challenging to figure out.

You seem lonely and hungry for friendship. You might consider not getting too invested in this one and making room for ones that are better suited for you.

 

 

Yep, I am lonely. Because I've changed a lot (for better!) I have lost some friends who were negative. So I have been trying to call in new friends. So it's quite disappointing when it's there but not really. I agree, every friendship I have had has been easy and fun not challenging like this. Our communication styles are totally off. I have pretty low expectations of her already. I'm not a flakey person so if I communicate with you it's because i'm invested and I care. I don't like doing things half assed.

 

I think I need to stop responding altogether.

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Lower your expectations in your friend and people in general. Know that this is her preference and communication / correspondence style. Not everyone practices giving immediate replies via text (or message / email / voice mails). Keep in mind, she's a new friend and new friends don't always give you relentless back 'n forth replies as you anticipate. Also, perhaps she's very busy. Well, I say, get busy yourself and don't make yourself so available because if you rely on her texts, you are perceived as insecure. With all due respect, get a life.

 

In life, many times, you have to go through a lot of people in order to find the right friends and the right fit for your personality.

 

Yes, I've experienced this before. When this happens, I'm fine because this type of friend is more like a casual acquaintance and not a real, close friend. Learn to differentiate people into categories.

 

I say do nothing. Preoccupy yourself with your life, do what you enjoy, take care of your health, exercise, eat well, have hobbies, read good books or whatever makes you happy. You can also afford to be very picky and choosy when it comes to friends or new friends. Become selective and if one friend disappoints you, you can always make new friends now or in the future. It's not the end of the world.

 

A tidbit: People are attracted to those who aren't needy and clingy. People are attracted to secure people who are busy with their own pursuits or so I've noticed.

 

I don't like flaky, half-effort people either. In order to have a successful friendship, there needs to be cooperation in order for it to thrive. If there isn't any cooperation and enthusiasm to keep the friendship alive, it's not working and will cause your disappointment which turns into disillusionment. Don't bother. Move on.

Edited by Cherylyn
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How did you meet her?

And have you ever actually met in person?

 

Met her through a friend via a networking group. She actually invited me to her wedding and I went to her hens day, even though I didn't know her that well. We have a bit in common. But the wedding was postponed. The more I've got to know her the more I've realised she's not very reliable. It's fine. But I don't really want flakey and half friends anymore. It's more effort than it's worth.

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Lower your expectations in your friend and people in general. Know that this is her preference and communication / correspondence style. Not everyone practices giving immediate replies via text (or message / email / voice mails). Keep in mind, she's a new friend and new friends don't always give you relentless back 'n forth replies as you anticipate. Also, perhaps she's very busy. Well, I say, get busy yourself and don't make yourself so available because if you rely on her texts, you are perceived as insecure. With all due respect, get a life.

 

In life, many times, you have to go through a lot of people in order to find the right friends and the right fit for your personality.

 

Yes, I've experienced this before. When this happens, I'm fine because this type of friend is more like a casual acquaintance and not a real, close friend. Learn to differentiate people into categories.

 

I say do nothing. Preoccupy yourself with your life, do what you enjoy, take care of your health, exercise, eat well, have hobbies, read good books or whatever makes you happy. You can also afford to be very picky and choosy when it comes to friends or new friends. Become selective and if one friend disappoints you, you can always make new friends now or in the future. It's not the end of the world.

 

A tidbit: People are attracted to those who aren't needy and clingy. People are attracted to secure people who are busy with their own pursuits or so I've noticed.

 

I do have a life. I'm not really needy at all. She keeps messaging me and I respond because that's how I am. But then nothing. It annoys me and I'd rather not deal with it. But I agree just get on with it and forget about it is good and I'll take that. I guess I am being impatient as she has many qualities I like but the really important qualities I value she has shown not to have. I'm just over flakey people in general!

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I do have a life. I'm not really needy at all. She keeps messaging me and I respond because that's how I am. But then nothing. It annoys me and I'd rather not deal with it. But I agree just get on with it and forget about it is good and I'll take that. I guess I am being impatient as she has many qualities I like but the really important qualities I value she has shown not to have. I'm just over flakey people in general!

 

Her enthusiasm is not on equal footing with yours. I've encountered the same as you. There's nothing you can do unless you wish to speak up about this. Would you be willing to ask her nicely about replying to you quicker and more frequently? However, usually people don't like to be told what to do. Either accept how she is or consider her history. The choice is yours. Let her hang onto infrequent correspondence with you or tell her that it's time for you two to go her separate ways. Wish her well and be done with it.

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Lower your expectations in your friend and people in general. Know that this is her preference and communication / correspondence style. Not everyone practices giving immediate replies via text (or message / email / voice mails). Keep in mind, she's a new friend and new friends don't always give you relentless back 'n forth replies as you anticipate. Also, perhaps she's very busy. Well, I say, get busy yourself and don't make yourself so available because if you rely on her texts, you are perceived as insecure. With all due respect, get a life.

 

In life, many times, you have to go through a lot of people in order to find the right friends and the right fit for your personality.

 

Yes, I've experienced this before. When this happens, I'm fine because this type of friend is more like a casual acquaintance and not a real, close friend. Learn to differentiate people into categories.

 

I say do nothing. Preoccupy yourself with your life, do what you enjoy, take care of your health, exercise, eat well, have hobbies, read good books or whatever makes you happy. You can also afford to be very picky and choosy when it comes to friends or new friends. Become selective and if one friend disappoints you, you can always make new friends now or in the future. It's not the end of the world.

 

A tidbit: People are attracted to those who aren't needy and clingy. People are attracted to secure people who are busy with their own pursuits or so I've noticed.

 

I don't like flaky, half-effort people either. In order to have a successful friendship, there needs to be cooperation in order for it to thrive. If there isn't any cooperation and enthusiasm to keep the friendship alive, it's not working and will cause your disappointment which turns into disillusionment. Don't bother. Move on.

 

also I definitely don't do relentless back and forth. But if you message me asking how I am and then share with me all this info and then I respond I expect a response to that, then it can be over. A thanks, a yay, an anything... That's all. It's definitely not relentless it's common courtesy.

 

It's the flakeyness/ half effort stuff I can't stand. I don't do that with life or friendships. When I say I am going to do something I do it (mostly)

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Good work losing the negative people. Just don't get stuck in the same pattern with new people you meet. This person is showing you that your time is not valuable when she makes suggestions or plans but doesn't follow through regularly. I think she is willing to get to know you but you can scare people off with some of your expectations and you're coming off really strong.

 

Instead of expecting her to visit you with that statement "I need" you could have mentioned that it would be nice to have company after the surgery and left it open-ended. Most people will take the hint and offer to visit if they want to visit, bearing in mind the coronavirus is still spreading and rampant. Friendships are two-way. People can decide not to be your friend, not to visit you, not to be around when you need them. Even good friendships wax and wane and people are not always able to be there for one another.

 

Dial it back a little more when you make friends and let it take its time blossoming into something more of equal parts from both sides. If you don't sense any interest at the start or as you've described above with her not doing what she says she will do regularly, don't keep pushing for more. It drives people away as it might make others wonder what your real intentions are. You see yourself as attentive and a good friend but you're not realizing how some of your responses are coming across as needy or a bit forceful.

 

I doubt this person is doing it maliciously to you or to spite you. The likelihood that she's busy or has other things going on is pretty high. Your expectations don't match what this situation really is between the both of you. You're acquaintances who've video called in the past year but it hasn't translated to any shared experiences in real time or getting to know each other much beyond that.

 

How about looking into local activities or joining local communities for more interaction?

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I agree, it's not up to me to tell her how to behave. We are grown adults and I accept that's how she is. Do I accept her behaviour in my world? Not really. She has to go. It's weird, I've known this for ages and I keep distancing myself but she keeps contacting me and I then respond because I want to be a nice person and then she essentially ghosts me till the next time! SO WEIRD!

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Her enthusiasm is not on equal footing with yours. I've encountered the same as you. There's nothing you can do unless you wish to speak up about this. Would you be willing to ask her nicely about replying to you quicker and more frequently? However, usually people don't like to be told what to do. Either accept how she is or consider her history. The choice is yours. Let her hang onto infrequent correspondence with you or tell her that it's time for you two to go her separate ways. Wish her well and be done with it.

 

I agree, it's not up to me to tell her how to behave. We are grown adults and I accept that's how she is. Do I accept her behaviour in my world? Not really. She has to go. It's weird, I've known this for ages and I keep distancing myself but she keeps contacting me and I then respond because I want to be a nice person and then she essentially ghosts me till the next time! SO WEIRD!

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Good work losing the negative people. Just don't get stuck in the same pattern with new people you meet. This person is showing you that your time is not valuable when she makes suggestions or plans but doesn't follow through regularly. I think she is willing to get to know you but you can scare people off with some of your expectations and you're coming off really strong.

 

Instead of expecting her to visit you with that statement "I need" you could have mentioned that it would be nice to have company after the surgery and left it open-ended. Most people will take the hint and offer to visit if they want to visit, bearing in mind the coronavirus is still spreading and rampant. Friendships are two-way. People can decide not to be your friend, not to visit you, not to be around when you need them. Even good friendships wax and wane and people are not always able to be there for one another.

 

Dial it back a little more when you make friends and let it take its time blossoming into something more of equal parts from both sides. If you don't sense any interest at the start or as you've described above with her not doing what she says she will do regularly, don't keep pushing for more. It drives people away as it might make others wonder what your real intentions are. You see yourself as attentive and a good friend but you're not realizing how some of your responses are coming across as needy or a bit forceful.

 

I doubt this person is doing it maliciously to you or to spite you. The likelihood that she's busy or has other things going on is pretty high. Your expectations don't match what this situation really is between the both of you. You're acquaintances who've video called in the past year but it hasn't translated to any shared experiences in real time or getting to know each other much beyond that.

 

How about looking into local activities or joining local communities for more interaction?

 

I said "i'll definitely need visitors as I'll be so bored" in a very light hearted open ended way. I didn't ask her or even expect her to visit. I thought if she wanted to visit she's ask or suggest it. It would have been nice but didn't happen and that's fine. I had zero expectation. She always is the one suggesting to catch up and I am hesitant. Or I will say "yeah let's catch up I am free x day" and she doesn't reply!

 

She invited me to her wedding and I'd barely known her so I am definitely not being needy. I just don't want to be contacted intermittently and then left hanging.

 

We've hung out lots in person. Gone for walks etc. She lives near me.

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I agree, it's not up to me to tell her how to behave. We are grown adults and I accept that's how she is. Do I accept her behaviour in my world? Not really. She has to go. It's weird, I've known this for ages and I keep distancing myself but she keeps contacting me and I then respond because I want to be a nice person and then she essentially ghosts me till the next time! SO WEIRD!

 

If she has to go, then tell her politely that your friendship with her is over. You can do it respectfully and politely while being kind at the same time. Granted, no one wants to feel rejected, however, if you no longer have interest in prolonging this flaky, half-effort friend, then end it. Don't drag it out if you're unhappy with how she treats you.

 

It's perfectly okay to have high expectations according to your standards and if some people don't measure up, then you have every right to eliminate them from your life. I've done this myself with random friends from my past. Not every friend was meant to endure long term in your life.

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I said "i'll definitely need visitors as I'll be so bored" in a very light hearted open ended way. I didn't ask her or even expect her to visit. I thought if she wanted to visit she's ask or suggest it. It would have been nice but didn't happen and that's fine. I had zero expectation. She always is the one suggesting to catch up and I am hesitant. Or I will say "yeah let's catch up I am free x day" and she doesn't reply!

 

She invited me to her wedding and I'd barely known her so I am definitely not being needy. I just don't want to be contacted intermittently and then left hanging.

 

We've hung out lots in person. Gone for walks etc. She lives near me.

 

Leave it for now and don't respond to her then. It doesn't sound like you both get along and she's too busy to make time for you. Find better and more worthy things to do and people to speak with. There are individuals who won't respect your time and that's not something you should take lightly or put up with.

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If she has to go, then tell her politely that your friendship with her is over. You can do it respectfully and politely while being kind at the same time. Granted, no one wants to feel rejected, however, if you no longer have interest in prolonging this flaky, half-effort friend, then end it. Don't drag it out if you're unhappy with how she treats you.

 

It's perfectly okay to have high expectations according to your standards and if some people don't measure up, then you have every right to eliminate them from your life. I've done this myself with random friends from my past. Not every friend was meant to endure long term in your life.

 

Oh god I have no idea how I'd tell her. I've never had to do that before. Especially with someone not that close. How bizarre. But you're right because I tried to distance myself before and she keeps contacting me. It's very strange.

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Leave it for now and don't respond to her then. It doesn't sound like you both get along and she's too busy to make time for you. Find better and more worthy things to do and people to speak with. There are individuals who won't respect your time and that's not something you should take lightly or put up with.

 

Thanks. It's so true. It makes me feel bad. Like I'm not important. Which is TOTALLY FINE, I don't need her to be anything more than she is, but I'm over feeling like that with anyone. Let alone a flakey half friend!!

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Yes, I've experienced it before. Coming to terms with the fact that this won't ever be a friend, and is only an occasional acquaintance, will stop you from being disappointed or caring if she messages or not.

 

Sounds cold, but really, its just realizing what to expect and what not to expect. She will be an occasional chit chat partner, but it won't amount to much more than that.

 

If it sounds pointless to you, then just stop replying to her.

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Sorry to hear that. This seems more like a text buddy/aquaintince than a real friendship.

 

Continue to meet people through clubs, groups,interests, hobbies, volunteering, talking classes,etc. And in real life. Try to find people you have something in common with .

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Yes, I've experienced it before. Coming to terms with the fact that this won't ever be a friend, and is only an occasional acquaintance, will stop you from being disappointed or caring if she messages or not.

 

Sounds cold, but really, its just realizing what to expect and what not to expect. She will be an occasional chit chat partner, but it won't amount to much more than that.

 

If it sounds pointless to you, then just stop replying to her.

 

oh thanks!! It's so weird! it's like my brain doesn't want to believe she is the way she is! But she's shown me no different. You are so right though. I'm ready to just move on and have her as an acquaintance. No hard feelings it is what it is... but not replying from now on.

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Sorry to hear that. This seems more like a text buddy/aquaintince than a real friendship.

 

Continue to meet people through clubs, groups,interests, hobbies, volunteering, talking classes,etc. And in real life. Try to find people you have something in common with .

 

yeah it's such a shame! Because we have a lot in common. Just not the same ideas of what a relationship/friendship should be. Or I'm looking for more than what she's prepared to offer. Either way I look forward to meeting new people. :)

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Sometimes she'll not respond at all or sometimes days later.

 

You see, I prefer this in a friend. It means I don't have to do any maintenance lol!!! I also don't have any houseplants, by the way....

 

I think it's a question of personality, really.

 

I've had friends that like to call and check in and I've always felt a little bad about those friends because I'm never going to properly return the favor. For me, it is work.

 

Does that mean I'm a bad friend? I'm not sure. I don't think so... I actually have quite a lot of friends, so I can't be all that bad. But I'm certainly not the one that likes to chitchat every week.... or even every month.

 

I do make time to hang out, but if plans fall through, I'm generally relieved.

 

Part of it is that I am very content in my life right now. If I were less content, I know I would reach out to people more.

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Do you have a best friend, Jibralta? Or one or two women you make sure to see or talk to at least once a week?

 

Only curious if you're not keen on the upkeep in general or if you are okay with making sure one or two good friends are kept in the loop, (so to speak).

 

I normally don't have the energy to contact many people or message back a whole lot. (nothing wrong with the person writing, I just am busy with things and don't have the time or energy for more than one or two friends).

 

However, I do make sure to spend time and talk to one or two, no matter what.

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