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My husband has a crush on another woman and it's making me feel awful


booberry102
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My husband and I have only been married since the New Year, together for about 3.

 

We recently made some new friends online during the quarantine, and he ended up bonding very closely with one of the girls over a common game interest. They literally spend hours in voice calls together whilst I'm at work (he's currently at college on 3 days a week so has a lot of free time) and if I ask what he's up to he'll say he's talking to her.

 

He invited her up for Halloween and a few days before that actually tried to bring up an old topic with me that we'd joked about before and suggested we ask her about a threesome with her whilst she was over. (And yes, it may be something we are open to in the future but key word being 'future', I'm not ready anytime soon for that). When I was clearly not up for it he was fine with that and had a discussion about how he loved me, I was enough for him, he didn't want to have sex with someone else and just suggested it as a 'what if' in case we wanted to fulfill a sexual fantasy that he thought I also wanted. It was during this that he commented that he still gets crushes on people, and just because he has a crush on this girl doesn't mean he doesn't love me.

 

He admitted having a crush on her so easily that it blindsided me. I know people can still get crushes when in relationships, its normal. But the fact he admitted it to me made me feel uneasy and I've felt uneasy ever since. He talks to her for hours on end, and jokes with her and it all just feels like he's flirting with her in the same way he flirted with me when we first met. If he hadn't mentioned having a crush I might have just said he's being friendly with her but his confession has tainted the way I see all his interactions with her.

 

He can argue it's just a harmless crush but at some point there's a boundary right? It feels like he's almost encouraging his crush rather than trying to take a step back and make sure he doesn't overstep.

 

I have no one to turn to for advice and I just feel like crap. I don't know how to bring it up to him without seeming like some jealous over-bearing wife. It hurts because I'm actually friends with the girl! I like her a lot and when she was over for Halloween I enjoyed my time with her.

 

But I just don't know how to bring it up to him that his actions are making me feel awful without seeming jealous for no reason.

 

Any advice would be useful please.

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If he felt so comfortable telling you he had a crush on her then you both clearly need to have a talk.

 

Thinking someone is pretty or interesting is one thing but to tell your wife of one year you have a crush on another woman is very uncaring and stupid.

 

The person you should be telling this is your husband. Sit him down and let him know how what he said hurts you and you both need to talk about boundaries in the marriage. He clearly has none so there needs to be a conversation before this gets worse.

 

Let me put it this way. If he can just throw out there about a 3some or having a crush on a real woman who is a friend then you certainly can bring up boundaries right?

 

We teach people how to treat us so it is time to do some teaching...

 

Lost

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Honestly, if you opened the door for a threesome -- he's going to be on the prowl, I hate to say. I would immediately slam the door on it -- forever. Tell him If and WHEN you will be the to decide and YOU will be the one to find the third. And anyone he suggests to you will be vetoed. its wife led or doesn't happen. But honestly, your marriage might end if you do.

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You'll have to be clear with yourself first where your boundaries lie. If you're open to threesomes or other individuals in the marriage, both of you have to come to an agreement of what's acceptable and what's not if it means speaking with third parties. Were you aware that he was more open to multiple relationships or an open marriage? If you're not comfortable with it, speak up. It's early days so start establishing what your dynamic is in the marriage. A lot of problems happen later on down the road when a couple is too set in their ways or the dynamics are difficult to change.

 

By the way, speaking up and being clear about what you can or can't accept in a marriage is about being assertive and letting your partner know how you view or interpret certain topics. It does not mean being overbearing or jealous.

 

If you can't be clear or honest with your husband, the marriage is a sham. Ask yourself what you're in it for then.

 

I think you're both very young and you haven't established enough boundaries as a couple, let alone the topic of introducing third parties. Take the opportunity now to discuss it. I think the marriage is worth saving. No one should be taking precedent before the two of you in the marriage. Start now.

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I think you two as a couple somehow have it worked out that you'll be closer if you both admit your feelings/crushes for someone else. To be honest, it seems really odd to me, even more so that you've been together (in my opinion) a short time and the shines already worn off. (If it hadn't, he wouldn't have a roving eye like this).

 

I really think both of you are treading on dangerous ground trying to incorporate other people into your relationship and fooling each other that you can have 'crushes' or a threesome and it won't affect things badly.

 

There is a very small percentage of couples that can actually engage in threesomes and it not ruin the relationship. It doesn't mean those types of couples are closer. They just seem to be able to switch off when it comes to sex (which has it's good and bad points).

But the majority of couples kid themselves into thinking 'it's not a big deal' and there ends up being very damaging jealousy, or worse, someone in the couple falls for the person they've added into their sex life

 

The way you talk about things, you two are not ever going to be okay with bringing others into your relationship. You're right, your husband is being far too lax on allowing himself to catch feelings for someone else, and he's spending loads of time with her. (damaging and will lead to bad things in your marriage).

 

I seriously think you need to sit down and talk to him, remind him who his wife is and that there is no room for his 'crushes' or incorporating other women.

It's going to lead to far worse things down the road, even if neither of you want to believe it will.

 

You can tell yourself that, 'you're the cool wife who can handle your husband checking out other women and crushing on them', and he can openly admit his feelings for other women , while chasing them right in front of your eyes, but in the end, it will destroy your marriage. I can guarantee it.

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This is a slippery slope you are heading down. Please dont get into any 3some with her, because given how you are feeling right now, it won't be the pleasurable experience you'd like. You'd end up jealous/angry and it could ruin your marriage.

 

You need to talk to him about how you feel about his closeness with this woman.

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The boundary is where you put it. If you're worried about being over bearing and you're scared to be honest with your own hubs, you're going to have to keep dealing this. If not this girl, then the next or next.

 

Be true to yourself and what you expect in your marriage. That's my best advice.

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He's telling you because he knows he's in way too deep.... he hides it by smothering you with words of love for you. Don't be fooled by this. This isn't a crush this is an emotional affair...like everyone has mentioned it's a relationship ender. It's no different than an addiction. He's getting flooded with dopamine and it's all too enticing. He's going to cheat, lie, do whatever to keep it going....watch for the denial. I agree you need to step up and have a very firm conversation about boundaries.

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Quit worrying about being an overly-jealous wife and start standing up for yourself and your marriage.

 

What he’s doing here is playing with fire, and he knows it. You do, too. He’s just hoping he can normalize it enough for you so that he can continue what is rapidly developing into an emotional affair. Enough of that.

 

Just because he says it’s harmless doesn’t make it harmless.

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You use the terms overbearing and jealous and those have negative connotations, but what you are feeling is legitmate.

 

All this is making you feel very unsafe. and you should feel comfortable enough with your husband to share this with him.

 

After all, if you two want to engage in threesomes at some point, there should be boundaries that you both agree to and some very transparent and ongoing conversations about it.

Here's your beta test to see if you two are able to do it.

 

This is not the moment you second guess yourself and feel too intimidated to tell him how you are feeling.

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Your husband has too much time on his hands. He needs to get up off the couch, put the video games away, and get a job. He's a married man, not some teenager living with mommy and confiding with her about his girlfriends.

 

The threesome thing is too ridiculous to address so I won't.

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It was during this that he commented that he still gets crushes on people, and just because he has a crush on this girl doesn't mean he doesn't love me.... I know people can still get crushes when in relationships, its normal. But the fact he admitted it to me made me feel uneasy and I've felt uneasy ever since. He talks to her for hours on end, and jokes with her and it all just feels like he's flirting with her in the same way he flirted with me when we first met. If he hadn't mentioned having a crush I might have just said he's being friendly with her but his confession has tainted the way I see all his interactions with her.

 

He's pushing the envelope. That's him trying to get you to concede that his crush is ok. If you are not ok with this, tell him. You risk losing him. But if you don't stand up for yourself, you're going to end up dealing with this for a long time. And it will be hard to get out of it because you will have been the one who permitted it. Yes, it is a boundary situation. It's up to you to enforce the boundaries and take the risk.

 

I don't know how to bring it up to him without seeming like some jealous over-bearing wife.

 

Oh, well! Looks like you're just going to have to put on your jealous, overbearing wife hat for the night. Big deal. You don't have to wear it all the time. Just when he forces you too.

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You said he brought up the topic of threesome you had previously “joked” about.

 

It’s not and never should be something to joke about.

Going there is detrimental to any relationship that’s not solid and not a mutual desire.

When you joked about it did you ever discuss whether the third part would be male?

Or was his assumption female? Was their discussion about whether it be a random stranger or someone known to you both?

 

My guess is that there was never a real communication on the topic?

 

Crushes are not really considered normal within a relationship or marriage.

But yes occasionally one might find themselves in that situation.

What’s considered then to be normal is nipping it in the bud.

Not what your husband is doing and adding fuel to the fire.

 

When he started to realise he is feeling excited about this girl and chatting to her , that is when he should have told you and stopped communicating with her.

If he loved you that is what he would do.

But he didn’t!

Instead he continued chatting with her , invited her out and basically got your approval to progress to what now is no longer a crush but an emotional affair.

 

And because he told you about it , he is cleared of any wrong doing? Right?

 

You did take too long to come here for advice , but it’s still fixable only if he wants to ?

 

So , you need to tell him how it makes you feel?

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When you joked about it did you ever discuss whether the third part would be male?

 

Exactly. If he ever discusses a threesome, bring up the idea of wanting males involved as well, more or less to see his reaction.

 

But truth be told, I wouldn't do any kind of threesome with him. It's a really bad idea. He is catching feelings for too deep.

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I was actually shocked when I was reading your post that you allowed your husband to have this online female friend and talk to her non-stop while you're not there. And especially to invite her over to your place! Completely inappropriate and disrespectful to you! Of course his interest in her wasn't just friendship from the start! Do you see him speaking to male friends for days on end? I think your husband is starting to stray from the marriage and that's why he started the whole thing with that woman. If he needed friends to talk to in isolation, he could have been video calling/calling his actual real life friends. What was the need to get involved with some random woman on the internet? The whole thing is very dodgy.

 

If you're not in a polyamorous relationship then your husband shouldn't be speaking to this woman at all! I'm very surprised you allowed him to invite her to your home for Halloween.

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