Jump to content

Recommended Posts

I don't know if I should bring it up to my family doctor or my therapist... I brought it up to my therapist in passing and we didn't expand on that, but I feel like I'm having physical effects from the memories of the past year in particular. I believe my husband is narcissistic and was emotionally abusive to me... I feel like I should feel relief during the divorce process, but I continue to have disturbed sleep, feeling like I'm back in the moments of being bullied, and extreme fear at even seeing his family members texting to check on me. Also, I lost about thirty pounds before leaving my husband. The last several days with him, and the first few days away from him, I couldn't keep food down. I have since put on some weight again, and I'm eating well again, but I lose my appetite at times when I get too deep into the thoughts.

 

I also feel of two minds... one mind is thinking typical victim stuff, like guilt about my fear and confusion over how my husband could also have a good side. But the other side is on autopilot and is thankfully winning. It's strongly pushing me through the steps of getting a divorce and moving on, it's telling me that there are other people outside of him and a whole world to enjoy whenever I'm ready for it.

 

My main concern is the possible PTSD. Is it even possible that I have it, and if so, should I be seeking any treatment? I speak to a therapist once a week, and my family doctor calls me once a week. I take an antidepressant which should start helping me soon, as it has helped me in the past. I also have a sleeping pill that I take as needed- I'm doing my best not to take it daily but I definitely struggle to sleep the nights I don't take it. What else can I be doing?

Link to post
Share on other sites
My main concern is the possible PTSD. Is it even possible that I have it, and if so, should I be seeking any treatment? I speak to a therapist once a week, and my family doctor calls me once a week. I take an antidepressant which should start helping me soon, as it has helped me in the past. I also have a sleeping pill that I take as needed- I'm doing my best not to take it daily but I definitely struggle to sleep the nights I don't take it. What else can I be doing?

You are doing all the right things already so that's a good thing! Keep it up and don't give up! You're on the right track with helping yourself move on. Well done!

 

As for the PTSD - there is no harm in asking your therapist and/or doctor. They have the experience and should be able to answer any queries you have. If any treatment is required, I imagine they would be able to incorporate into whatever they are currently doing.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It certainly seems likely you could after going through such traumatic experiences. Please, consult a professional to be sure. There's no harm in checking,

 

You should also feel good about yourself. You are doing all the right things. Keep it up, have faith, and things will get better.

Link to post
Share on other sites
My main concern is the possible PTSD. Is it even possible that I have it, and if so, should I be seeking any treatment?

 

You should definitely look into that with a professional.

 

But whether it's PTSD or not, I can tell you from firsthand experience that being in abusive, stressful situations like that leaves its mark on you.

 

Is it a permanent mark? I don't know. That's something for you to investigate for yourself.

 

But personally, I've felt the stress melting away from me over time.

 

So, I think that you will continue to get better as long as you stay out of situations that make you so unhappy.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I brought it up to my therapist in passing and we didn't expand on that, but...

 

Your therapist works for you, not the other way around--so YOU drive the discussion where you want it to go.

 

That said, if this therapist is too passive to help you, fire her or him, and seek the help you deserve from a more qualified professional.

 

While it's been suggested that you seek a referral, which is an ideal option, if you don't feel comfortable asking for that, you can seek help elsewhere and then cancel your sessions with this therapist.

 

Head high, and behave as your own advocate. You will thank yourself later.

Link to post
Share on other sites

PTSD? well if certain things "trigger" those emotions like when someone corrects you at work, or gives some criticism, or certain sounds, smells, you hear some one yelling, then yes it could be. But if you find your self esteem is down, and you have bad thoughts, that sound more like depression. I work with someone that is getting out of an emotionally abusive marriage. The man is terrible. And when I'm discussing things about her work, or my supervisor requests something of her, she breaksdown on the spot. She's got some issues from it for sure.

 

Ive read about abusive relationships, dealing with a narcissistic personality, and they recommend a trauma therapist. It's good that you are reading up on things, knowledge is power. You will have the right questions when you do find a therapist. it will help you both with the progress.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Don't contact him anymore and put a stop to any visitations or phonecalls. There's no reason for him to be trying to get a hold of you directly. You mentioned he's to contact you through your lawyer. The ruminations, racing thoughts, anger, resentment, fear, anxiety continues for awhile. I can't speak for anyone else. I woke up drenched in sweat and had problems sleeping as well. etc etc etc. Not easy but it's workable. What you keep telling yourself is that it will end. And it will. I didn't get a diagnosis or speak to a doctor about it and I didn't take any pills. I saw this as a transition period in my life where hiccups are bound to happen and cut myself some slack. What I was adamant about was not taking any time off and sticking to all my commitments. I didn't want any excuses for things slipping through the cracks and wanted absolutely nothing to be put on hold. It's what got me though and I wouldn't have changed anything about it.

 

What I do remember doing was limiting my caffeine intake drastically and increasing more exercise. It helped a lot.

 

Speak with your doctor if you need help with things but don't layer problem over problem on your own. I think things will ease up in a few months after you start to create a healthier routine for yourself. In the process do not self-destruct. You can do it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Don't contact him anymore and put a stop to any visitations or phonecalls. There's no reason for him to be trying to get a hold of you directly. You mentioned he's to contact you through your lawyer. The ruminations, racing thoughts, anger, resentment, fear, anxiety continues for awhile. I can't speak for anyone else. I woke up drenched in sweat and had problems sleeping as well. etc etc etc. Not easy but it's workable. What you keep telling yourself is that it will end. And it will. I didn't get a diagnosis or speak to a doctor about it and I didn't take any pills. I saw this as a transition period in my life where hiccups are bound to happen and cut myself some slack. What I was adamant about was not taking any time off and sticking to all my commitments. I didn't want any excuses for things slipping through the cracks and wanted absolutely nothing to be put on hold. It's what got me though and I wouldn't have changed anything about it.

 

What I do remember doing was limiting my caffeine intake drastically and increasing more exercise. It helped a lot.

 

Speak with your doctor if you need help with things but don't layer problem over problem on your own. I think things will ease up in a few months after you start to create a healthier routine for yourself. In the process do not self-destruct. You can do it.

 

I wish I was this strong. Not that I feel bad about the pills- I've suffered anxiety/depression since I was a teen and I feel better on medication so that aspect I'm okay with. But I feel unable to work- but I have no choice but to return because I was denied more of a paid leave. It's unfortunate- I'm crying sporadically, sleep deprived, have poor concentration and I'm not in the mood to talk to people (I'm a social worker) but I'm not so cognitively impaired that I can't work. I'm just screwed up enough to feel like I'm suffering. So we'll see how the return to work goes...

 

I feel like my therapy helps in the sense that I have someone to talk to, but two months later I still feel so much fear and guilt, despite being safe and knowing I'm doing the right thing. I don't know how to work on it or feel completely okay with what's happening. I lie awake for hours feeling scared and sad. I try to bring my mind to the present and remind myself that people survive this, but I get scary moments of feeling like I can't get through this, fear of the past and fear of the future.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I wish I was this strong. Not that I feel bad about the pills- I've suffered anxiety/depression since I was a teen and I feel better on medication so that aspect I'm okay with. But I feel unable to work- but I have no choice but to return because I was denied more of a paid leave. It's unfortunate- I'm crying sporadically, sleep deprived, have poor concentration and I'm not in the mood to talk to people (I'm a social worker) but I'm not so cognitively impaired that I can't work. I'm just screwed up enough to feel like I'm suffering. So we'll see how the return to work goes...

 

I feel like my therapy helps in the sense that I have someone to talk to, but two months later I still feel so much fear and guilt, despite being safe and knowing I'm doing the right thing. I don't know how to work on it or feel completely okay with what's happening. I lie awake for hours feeling scared and sad. I try to bring my mind to the present and remind myself that people survive this, but I get scary moments of feeling like I can't get through this, fear of the past and fear of the future.

 

My heart goes out to you. I don't know your journey but I know what it was like. I wasn't strong. I guess I just hid it better. Pre-covid I'd work but end up having the unfortunate wetness of tears on my face and then excuse myself to a bathroom stall to clean up and then went back to the work. I threw myself in my work which ironically excelled and was recognized for my achievements in 2020 which to me was a blur and I didn't quite feel I deserved it. It was just a matter of doing that or ...disintegrating. My hat off to you as a social worker. It might help interacting with others again and I hope it goes smoothly for you.

 

Peace comes naturally after you realize that you can't put the past back together again and it's out of your hands. Keep the faith (in yourself and your future). You don't have to feel bad about anything or the way you feel. Slowly with time things will come back together.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I appealed for a bit more sick leave, but if denied I have to just return to work despite how unready I feel. It's a job I don't love, but it's a job during a pandemic nonetheless. I'm trying to just be tough and do what I have to. It's just really hard to imagine having a joyful life when I'm so lonely all the time. There's also this feeling that no one understands. No one understands why I stayed in this situation for so long and got married, or what it's like to go through this at an age when all my peers are just getting married and having kids. I had therapy today and I completely forgot to bring up my thoughts on PTSD, but the therapist thinks I've been disassociating due to trauma and says that normal... so I guess nothing concerning? I don't know why I feel so unsettled or what to do with this deep feeling of loneliness/being misunderstood. All I can do is keep posting my thoughts and being grateful people read and respond.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You feel unsettled because you are unsettled. You left a place that you were familiar with. Even though it was a painful, uncomfortable place, and even though it was in your best interest to leave, it was still a home. It will take you a little while to settle into your new surroundings.

 

As for what to do about your loneliness and feelings of being misunderstood.... Care to elaborate on those feelings? Well I think I can easily understand why you feel lonely at the moment. But why do you feel misunderstood, and by whom?

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

As for what to do about your loneliness and feelings of being misunderstood.... Care to elaborate on those feelings? Well I think I can easily understand why you feel lonely at the moment. But why do you feel misunderstood, and by whom?

 

I feel misunderstood by pretty much everyone. I don't even think I fully understand myself, I'm just making my decisions and pushing myself towards who I want to be and the life I want to have. But no one understands how I could have stayed in a relationship where I was made to feel this way, no one understands why I knowingly married this person. No one understands how I could love/have loved someone who had a cruel side. I think also people don't fully believe me? I feel like this is painful to go through alone so I desperately wish someone understood. My parents and brother don't fully understand, although they say they support me and want to know how to help me. They're doing their best so I'm not too frustrated with them to be honest.

 

My husband's older sister, who I've had a good relationship with for the last decade- does not understand. I shouldn't expect her to side with me and I'm no longer speaking to her, but it hurt deeply that she thought me and my husband just aren't a good fit- not that he was ever inappropriate or abusive. I wanted her to acknowledge and understand so badly. Sometimes it feels like I'm crazy or that I made the whole thing up, but I know better.

 

My few friends don't fully understand, they think showing me pictures of their recent babies and weddings will help me lol. I don't feel jealousy or resentment towards them- honestly. But it's hard to muster up excitement for them when I struggle getting through my days.

 

Also my family and friends don't understand my anxiety for the future, which I'm doing my best not to dwell on. It's easy for them to say not to worry about getting remarried and having children, when they've all got pretty stable lives.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you need to be more careful about who you're telling these details to. People will ask or may ask because it's the polite thing to do but you have to deal with it largely on your own without feeling like you are entirely alone (because you have loved ones), know what I mean?

 

In the whole explaining ordeal you're losing parts of yourself and stretched thin trying to get people to accept your decisions. The only thing you should be focusing on is recovering from the shock of separation and dealing with the idea of your marriage ending. This was the hardest part for me personally and took me months and months.

 

Don't look for outside acceptance for your decisions and absolutely don't put up with critiques of your self-worth or negative criticisms of your previous decisions. Now isn't the time to get defensive or argue with anyone (most of all your support network). You can do that later on after you've started to get back on your feet, working, find your own place and recreate a new life for yourself if you feel comfortable speaking about it with kind, caring and supportive family members or friends. Be careful who you let into your life right now especially on the finer details of why you separated or are getting divorced.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It's good you stopped looking for validation, understanding or empathy from him and his people. Hopefully you've deleted and blocked them from all your social media and messaging apps and devices.

 

Try not to look for "understanding" from the outside. Your peace comes from you, not other people's social media about weddings and babies.

Link to post
Share on other sites
It's good you stopped looking for validation, understanding or empathy from him and his people. Hopefully you've deleted and blocked them from all your social media and messaging apps and devices.

 

Try not to look for "understanding" from the outside. Your peace comes from you, not other people's social media about weddings and babies.

 

I don't understand how to find peace within myself. I feel like I have all the facts, the confidence in my decision, and the knowledge that some wistfulness for the "good parts" is normal and I know to ignore that. I have some social support- not as much as I'd like but I do have some. I'm safe financially and I have my health and a home and things to be grateful for. I'm still feeling this apathy, like I can't imagine the point of anything and I can't feel any joy or escape from loneliness.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It will pass. This is a process and it may continue off and on for awhile. You're struggling to feel okay. It's like a child trying to run before they can walk. Just give yourself more time to recoup. The apathy and f-ck all will be there but your original self and your emotions will come back eventually. It takes a whole lot of time and patience... most of all with yourself. Don't give up. Take it easy.

Link to post
Share on other sites

"I can't feel any joy or escape from loneliness."

 

Try not to run before the loneliness as if it were a pursuer. Turn and face it down, and go through it, not around it.

 

Identify the times of day (or night) when that wave is hitting you hardest, and plan in advance some strategy to chase off the loneliness.

 

All the best.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
"I can't feel any joy or escape from loneliness."

 

Try not to run before the loneliness as if it were a pursuer. Turn and face it down, and go through it, not around it.

 

Identify the times of day (or night) when that wave is hitting you hardest, and plan in advance some strategy to chase off the loneliness.

 

I sooo agree with this. Most people trying to escape loneliness have never tried to meet it--and master it.

 

Once you can lessen the discomfort of loneliness, it's no longer your driver for taking up with people who barely distract you from it long enough before they make it worse.

 

When you can find comfort in going solo, you've upped your own picking power. You'll no longer settle for 'quick' over substance--and that's the best way to lead yourself into the territory of feeling valued.

 

Value your Self first, and the rest is icing on your cake.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...