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BF and Daughter - Dysfunctional Family


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So I’m in a bit of a conundrum. My boyfriends daughter almost 15 now, has become a real nightmare. Her father isn’t easy either, and there has been a number of issues in the past, those of which we’ve tried to work on. I’ll bullet point this out so it’s easier to follow:

 

I should note we are NOT married. We did talk about this in the first year of dating, but with me being financially set bc of my family (I have a trust), I have way more to lose than he does by marrying anyone... anyway...

 

1- boyfriend and I have been friends for 10 years, now dating for 2. We live together and his daughter now lives with us 3/4 of the time.

 

2- both bf and myself have jobs that require travel. I travel with him 99% of the time. Else I’d never see him. His daughter is watched by his mom “nana” or biomom while we are gone.

 

3- one year into this relationship, I discovered bf was sneaking to visit asian parlors (not the legit kind) while I was gone, and I discovered through my own investigation that he had a history of doing so in previous relationships. He did this WHILE I was watching his kid until I caught him. I packed my and left but he begged me to stay. So against my gut I came back but would only stay if he got therapy. We went together for about 5 months. We had to stop bc of money. Since then he has not transgressed once, has talked these demons out with me, and has his life 360 app on 24/7 to show he’s where he says he is. I’m still weary tho.

 

4- after this though, I said I do not want to watch his kid anymore. Bitten once twice shy. This became an argument before but now he’s not asked me to do a whole lot with her now. I did do a TON for her before tho... ski trips, kayaking, got her clothes, backpacks, shoes, hair stuff, decorated her room, helped her setup fish tanks you name it. I also was there for her emotionally... until she played me against her dad and everyone and had to stop. But while she was pretending to be good to me she was doing a lot of crappy stuff in secret.

 

5- His kid has done a lot of strange things online... sending nudes to other kids, making new Snapchat and instagram accounts when we groundrd her for using them bc she’s being inappropriate... she lies about where she goes, has skipped school (he sends her to a private school which he honestly can’t afford).. and I’m now the evil “step mom” bc I’m computer savvy and found her activities and showed them to her dad so he can address it. The environment has become toxic mainly because she has voiced to her dad and nana that she would gladly have me gone if it means her never having a phone again. Typically stupid teen bs.

 

6- I overheard his mom and kid talk about me... seems that his mom thinks that all the arguments he and I have are are my fault... she doesn’t know about the betrayal or anything. She says I’m “not good, not right and that she thought he’d meet someone else.” She also said to the kid that maybe if her and her dad got worked out (he gets angry easily over his kids actions and causes so much stress) then maybe he’ll see that I’m the problem. Kinda hurt I will say, especially all the pain I went though trying to heal from broken trust and how much I invested in everyone.

 

7- We were going to move to another city but I put a stop to that bc I was NOT going to put myself in a position where I’m automatically the built in babysitter and I knew something was going on (the betrayal) I just didn’t have evidence yet. So his mom blames me for ruining the the plan.

 

8- now at our two year mark, kid has hated me for about 5-6 months now, and the house hold feels stressful. I spend a lot of time in my home office space and isolate myself when the kid is around. I really can’t stand the attitude and how toxic she makes everything. Life is much more at peace when she isn’t around.

 

9- now with all the stuff happening in California, bf wants to move again... recalling the same out of state plan as before. But I don’t feel comfortable going anywhere away from the kids mother bc she really does need her mom in her life. I also will NOT babysit. I mean the kid is almost 15!!! She may decide to live with her mom FT, but that would be up to her. I was hoping that we would move AFTER the kid is done with highschool (3 more years)... but seems my bf wants to leave sooner. I’m still trying to see how he could afford it or make it work bc he needs more than just his mom (nana) to watch the kid (she flies in from out of state to help!!). He’s terrible with money (good luck buying land to build a house?!) He seems like he doesn’t want to ask biomom for more child care / watching help. I sense it’s a pride thing. She’s not perfect but I know she loves her daughter.

 

10- on top of all this, bf has a temper. Since therapy he’s done better though. He has hit things (not people), thrown things, and shouted insanely at me and his daughter. I’ve never been in a house where any of that occurs Before so I’m not used to any of that. I was going to be a cop at one point, did lots of training, so my patience and ability to deal with angry people is pretty good. And I know I’m not stuck here either, and have the ability to leave tomorrow if I wanted. I’m sadly really committed to deescalating matters, and sometimes at my own expense. I did find out his dad (now deceased) used to do the same thing but threw objects at his mother and probably him too. His coping skills can really suck and he can be very hard to talk to. Much like the stuff you see on cops tv.

 

11- I keep trying to address issues as they come up but he can’t handle serious topics and gets mad easily bc he feels I’m not listening. He often talks over me in discussions. And nearly alL of this behavior occurs when his kid is the topic.

 

12- now my final point here, he do have a lot of fun together in sport, travel etc. just home life is rough. I won’t deny that this has been rather dysfunctional, and made so much worse with his kid. And perhaps I’m utterly retarded to think this could get any better. But 12 years of knowing this person, I feel I should try my best before giving up.

 

I don’t have any specific question, but maybe I’d like to hear what you think. I’m patient, massively so... but I’m feeling I’m not going to be able to deal with much more of this unless “something” gets noticeably better.

 

Love to all of you wonderful readers.

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I think 12 years is enough to know this isn't going to work. Come on now, you don't need this crap in your life...stop being a martyr. Being a shining knight is dysfunctional in it's own right...called codependency. I think you need to gather up some strength, leave and go find your self worth. hard to see it now, but once you are out of it, it will be like taking a breath of fresh air for the first time.

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Firstly I have to say well done for keeping it together. I know first hand how hard and toxic it can be when you have issues with your partners family and having issues with his child I can't even imagine how hard it is. Especially with her doing her internet activites etc. I think deep down you really know what you need to do and how long you can go on like this. There is so much disrespect and turmoil you can allow yourself to go through until you know enough is enough. You sound very knowledgable and clear headed. I know you enjoy the fun side of things and have known him for nearly a decade but that doesn't mean its always healthy to stay. I honestly think deep down you know what you need to do and need to start putting yourself first, some people are stuck in their ways and staying hoping something will change (especially if the other person isn't identifying a problem or actually takes action) isn't resolving issues. Sending you lots of positive love x

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ugh.... this sounds painful. you know having tons of fun and traveling is the easy part that you can find with a lot of partners, right?

 

I think this relationship may be bringing out the worst in you.

 

You talk about the daughter like she is not a permanent part of the equation. she is the child and of course her Nana is going to talk to her in a way that supports her. she's is young and a child of divorce. its a lot.

 

People seem to think kids only exist in the parent's life until they are 18. which is completely wrong. this is his child for life.

 

10 years of friendship, eh... I'm not trying to sound like I'm judging but we all have long friendships but how well do you really know another person?

 

and the massage parlors or whatever they are called, ew.... did you know he went to those while you were just friends?

 

why can't you afford therapy if you both work?

 

With all these flags, why hold on to this? Surely you can do better. you're not married... seems like a lot of sacrifice in your part without much in return.

 

lastly, always listen to your gut.

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Sorry to hear this. You need to move out. "Hanging in there" condones and enables all of this. He's "not listening" because he doesn't want to change and has no reason to because you simply stay.

 

You're incompatible and he seems to be wreaking havoc with your life. My advice about him remains the same:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=559294&p=7166943&viewfull=1#post7166943

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Don't address issues anymore because it's like beating a dead horse. It will get you nowhere.

 

Since the daughter is here to stay in her father's life, you're the one who needs to dissolve and exit the relationship with your boyfriend. Your boyfriend is some piece of work, too. You can't trust him. So what if you have fun together? It doesn't override the fact that there's something wrong with him and he'll never give you the type of normal relationship you wish for.

 

Conditions will not improve. Let reality make your ultimate decision regarding whether you want to stay or leave.

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So you went from doing lots of things with & for "the kid" to doing nothing?

Did you explain to her what was happening, or did you just drop her like a hot rock?

No wonder she has issues, I feel really sorry for her.'

Move out & let her & her Dad try to repair their relationship. You sound very toxic

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I've never heard of a 15 year old who was a joy to be around.

 

That said, it sounds like you're distracting your own focus to make the guy's daughter into a problem rather than facing the fact that BF is not trustworthy and a lousy match for you.

 

The daughter is irrelevant.

 

You have your whole life in front of you.

 

THINK.

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And I know I’m not stuck here either, and have the ability to leave tomorrow if I wanted.

 

I think you're lying to yourself. Who would stay in this situation if they were able to leave?

 

The daughter is hardly the problem--I mean, she's a problem, but she's not THE PROBLEM. She's just the icing on the Cake of Hell you've been serving yourself.

 

In perspective, the kid is a teen left to her own devices, making stupid teenage decisions, in an obviously chaotic household. Unsurprising that her behavior is so sexualized when her father has been visiting hookers for her whole life. Kids pick up on their parents' mentality. They aren't idiots.

 

THE PROBLEM is that you're invested in having a relationship with a lying, abusive, dismissive serial cheater and john who makes horrible life decisions.

 

What's the lure? Why don't you WANT to leave? Aren't there less painful ways to have fun?

 

I know it's probably very hard to face the fact that this relationship is a total loss, but that's what it is.

Edited by Jibralta
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