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Hi lovely people,

 

Ive come to seek out for some advice again. Its something I could discuss with my therapist, but she is on holidays for a month. I wonder what the experience or opinion is from like minded people.

 

Ive been coping with depression for a while. I remember starting with therapy was a new step in to a positive direction. Still I do feel depressed and very negative. We started processing trauma therapy some months ago. Talking about all this makes me realize that its not weird to think negative, but on the other hand its so hard to see the world in a different view. Ive been let down a lot by people I loved, best friends and lovers, and I find it really hard to trust people. Ive met so many people I cared about who stopped caring about me, doing that in a harsh way. I try to feel love towards people, but its hard nowadays. It doesn't feel genuine. I keep my distance more often. If I try I often dont feel comfortable like they really care.

I think a lot for the rest. I notice a lot of people around me are feeling a bit down too. Being around them makes me feel a bit uncomfortable as it can be confronting and taking me more down in the negative thoughts. While on the other hand being around happy people makes me feel more down too, since I feel like I should act happy too being around them.

I think for me its hard to accept Im an adult. I had traumatic events in the past, but when I was younger the world felt so magical and interesting. I loved living and felt special. I did a lot and had many friends around me. Lately I dont have many friends left. I am afraid to befriend people too, already in my mind that I am not interesting enough because they will always let me down at some point. I know this is not really rational thinking but it feels like the truth for me. I found it hard to let go of the thought. I miss the excitement, I miss enjoying life. It makes me scared this feelings will last forever, especially when growing up. It feels like life is getting more boring and numb.

I am trying to better these things: therapy, hiking a lot, yoga, mindfulness, eating (most of the time) healthy, still meeting up with people, to travel and reading. A bit less lately though, corona is playing a hand in this too. Still I feel stuck. Which makes me feel insecure and scared. I feel like I am not good enough and at the moment cant see what made me feel so special in the first place.

So for me it would be interesting to know what helped others. Or what changed during your time growing up.

I know the thing that makes me feel most happy is to travel. Alone or with someone else, having new experiences and exploring makes me feel so good. Especially for a longer period of time. But I know I cant do this forever and all the time.

Did/do you have depression too? What helps you deal with it or how did you get out of the negative mindset? How is life for you now? I hope to hear some of people experiences around this subject.

Thank you! 💕

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I don't have depression. This is a very hard time. My father suffered with it for at least 65 years. He was diagnosed bipolar at one point. What helped him the most was complying with therapy/having a good therapist and the right meds. My mother was his hero. He also loved his work for the most part and he loved his family - he was really negative around us much of the time but he did love and care about us. I'm sorry you're suffering right now! When I have a negative mindset what helps me is exercise, hydration (yes, drinking tons of plain water and no more diet soda, for years now) - I work out every single day 364 days a year unless I am very sick or doctor's orders (like after oral surgery). It does wonders for my body and mind. I've been exercising regularly since 1982. I cannot overstate how much that has done for me in every way. I highly recommend it.

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It's a vicious cycle. I agree it's all about point of view/perspective. Those people didn't let you down/stop caring, you pushed them away. My mom suffers badly and she can't understand why we are "letting her down"...it's because she pulls us down. Her moods, her expectations/demands and ways she communicates is suffocating, it's damaging to our own sanity. She doesn't get it, even if we explain it, she dismisses it by diverting or one upping with how she feels, etc.

 

I say you need your medication re-evaluated and adjusted. All the exercise, diet, counseling isn't going to help as much as getting the right medication. It's a chemical imbalance more so than psychological. You have had this for years and it's a mental disorder. I've had trauma growing up and faced some tough times in my life and crap, but I'm not drowning in misery and never had. My mom could never understand how I could get past all of it, just by getting up, dusting myself off and going forward. To me it's easy, but others like yourself and my mom, no way.

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I don't have depression. This is a very hard time. My father suffered with it for at least 65 years. He was diagnosed bipolar at one point. What helped him the most was complying with therapy/having a good therapist and the right meds. My mother was his hero. He also loved his work for the most part and he loved his family - he was really negative around us much of the time but he did love and care about us. I'm sorry you're suffering right now! When I have a negative mindset what helps me is exercise, hydration (yes, drinking tons of plain water and no more diet soda, for years now) - I work out every single day 364 days a year unless I am very sick or doctor's orders (like after oral surgery). It does wonders for my body and mind. I've been exercising regularly since 1982. I cannot overstate how much that has done for me in every way. I highly recommend it.

 

Thank you for the reply! I am working out more often and it is always a relieve. Hiking and biking mostly, but maybe I should try out other options too. This is good, I am curious what it would do for me if I try it more often. Thanks! Im sorry for your dad, must have been hard on you too.

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Have you considered going to a doctor for the evaluation of the mood disorders. You're doing a lot of things right.

 

My advice remains the same:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=566286&p=7241451&viewfull=1#post7241451

 

Thank you for replying! I am currently seeing my my doctor and were still talking about the process. I Will contact her again about the medication. Hopefully it could help a bit.

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It's a vicious cycle. I agree it's all about point of view/perspective. Those people didn't let you down/stop caring, you pushed them away. My mom suffers badly and she can't understand why we are "letting her down"...it's because she pulls us down. Her moods, her expectations/demands and ways she communicates is suffocating, it's damaging to our own sanity. She doesn't get it, even if we explain it, she dismisses it by diverting or one upping with how she feels, etc.

 

I say you need your medication re-evaluated and adjusted. All the exercise, diet, counseling isn't going to help as much as getting the right medication. It's a chemical imbalance more so than psychological. You have had this for years and it's a mental disorder. I've had trauma growing up and faced some tough times in my life and crap, but I'm not drowning in misery and never had. My mom could never understand how I could get past all of it, just by getting up, dusting myself off and going forward. To me it's easy, but others like yourself and my mom, no way.

 

Thank you for replying! Sounds like a tough time with your mom.

For my point of perspective I never really pushed people away. People did push me away and let me down, and not for being a debby downer. I had a bad habit of finding people who werent good for me in the past. Maybe lately ive been more distant, more careful and a little more on my own. But still keeping contact with friends, just a little less. Actually I hide my depression, which can be exhausting too of course, not changing the mood to a negative vibe. I feel ashamed for it and dont want to burden people with it. Could be the reason why I am becoming a bit more of a hermit lately. My sister is like you, she also had her negative moods but its more easy to her to get out of it.

Medication could work, I never really read into the chemical imbalanse thing. I will look it up. I will be seeing my doctor this week and will ask her about this.

I wonder, how did the medication work for your mother?

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I don't have depression. However, whenever I feel like I need something in my life and get into my pity pot moods, what helps me is to help those who are less fortunate. Then I start counting my blessings IMMENSELY.

 

For example, even during this pandemic, I participate in the "Meals on Wheels" program. I cook lunch or dinner for the elderly in my community. We are all masked up, practice social distancing and have our drop offs. It's like homemade take out for them.

 

In my community, there are displaced young people who are ages 18 through 25. They've been kicked out of foster care. A great many of them are currently floundering and drifting. Some are homeless. My friends and I cook dinner, sides and desserts and bring them to the community center. Everyone is masked up, social distanced and we're far apart. Most of them have never had a home cooked meal in their life and these young people tell us how grateful they are to us. They are extremely appreciative and look to us as if we're godsends or angels sent from above.

 

Prior to COVID-19, my church group and I gave manicures and pedicures to the elderly in nursing homes. They loved it and told me stories of their youth from the Great Depression to WW2. They're wheelchair bound and lonely.

 

My church and I created a "Box of Love" program where cardboard boxes with handles were distributed to the congregation with a list of non-perishable groceries to buy for those who would otherwise not feast on Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners.

 

I've volunteered at food banks and soup kitchens (for the homeless). 300 families showed up! :eek: We also brought food cooked from home. It was a group effort. This was pre-pandemic.

 

A lot of people can't afford food, diapers and milk. We help those in need.

 

There are ways to help the community and disadvantaged safely or even online.

 

Suddenly, I don't feel so sorry for myself anymore. There are millions of people who are worse off than you. It's rewarding to help others and when they're so grateful, I can sleep at night knowing others forgot their troubles for a brief moment and I made someone happy even if it was for a few minutes. Then suddenly your troubles pale in comparison. You start feeling grateful for what you have and the whining comes to a screeching halt. You eat a huge slice of humble pie. When you're selfless and put others before you, it feels rewarding and you'll know you did the right thing for mankind. You ought to try it.

 

Those were my experiences. :smug:

Edited by Cherylyn
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I've been let down by most people in my life. I've been criticized for simply speaking out. At times it has left be severely depressed, wondering why I'm even alive. Two things keep me going. First is a belief in myself. As a shy introvert, I'm actually okay just being me. While it's nice to have someone there, I know that at the end of the day I have to rely on and like myself. I have to stay true to myself and my values. As long as I am happy with the way I am and trying to be a good person, what others think of or do to me isn't important.

 

Second, I try to turn all my hurt and anguish into something positive. Volunteer. Help people. I know what it's like to hurt and I don't want anyone else feeling as I have. I've tutored and worked with children. I've worked with centers giving food to the homeless. I've taught literacy to adults. I had a weekly shift with a local library bookstore (at least pre-covid). If there is a cause you feel passionate about, find a way to get involved. Especially now, people are dealing with tremendous issues, from hunger to emotional depression. Giving back helps them and can help you feel better about yourself. We're all in this together.

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Thank you for the reply! I am working out more often and it is always a relieve. Hiking and biking mostly, but maybe I should try out other options too. This is good, I am curious what it would do for me if I try it more often. Thanks! Im sorry for your dad, must have been hard on you too.

 

Yes, it was very hard. I second volunteering -I've been volunteering on and off since 1980 and I've given a lot of myself and my time and the rewards are immeasurable. I have had friends who have bipolar/have depression. I don't ever push them away. And sometimes I have to take space when their issues manifest themselves in lashing out at me unfairly, being unreliable, flaky, etc.

 

I was becoming good friends with someone in the last two years and I've just about had it. She goes MIA for weeks and she is constantly coming up with these outlandish business ideas that involve her husband shouldering even more of the child care responsibilities plus she'll invest $ they do not have. Then she's on to the next thing - so when she gets too intense I take space -because she hits people up for money or wants them to join her new facebook group about her aha lightbulb moment, etc. I don't want her to ask me to give her $ or to join the group so I keep my distance until it blows over. For example.

So just be sure you're not making it all about you or giving unsolicited advice too often, or making negative comments too much of the time because you're feeling down. I know you mean well but we all have to check in with ourselves at times and practice blunt self-honesty.

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I think two factors are actually at play here. The first one has to do with your depression and trauma, which you are handling through therapy. The second one is something independent from those, which I think everyone goes through to some degree.

 

I am 27 years old

 

I actually guessed you were about that age based on some of the things that you said! I went through something similar at that age.

 

Believe it or not you're actually in (another!) transitional period in life. You're maturing. That's why everything is starting to look different, and you're feeling alienated.

 

Yes, at 18, 20, 24, etc., you were more mature than you were as a child, but it takes time to completely grow out of the adolescent thought process.

 

It can feel strange and disorienting. You will have to come to terms with some hard truths that you didn't have to fully acknowledge as a young adult.

 

One of these truths is that you are going to lose friends. Not because you (or they) did something wrong, but because you all have more responsibility and different priorities.

 

Don't feel too bad about that. It's normal.

 

Just keep on doing what you are doing, and things will start falling into place for you.

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... when I was younger the world felt so magical and interesting.

 

The good news is that you can recall this. The worst of depression, according to Einstein, is a belief that life has 'always' been dismal, and so it 'must' also be dismal in the future.

 

Fortunately, you hold the memory of 'this' being different than it 'was'. So you can reach for a goal of recognizing the beauty and hope of what you knew before.

 

While that's the thing to hold onto, it does NOT mean that adulthood will magically transform into the social opportunities enjoyed during the forced socialization of school days. Those days are over.

 

Part of maturity is learning that we must ALL transition from having our social contacts prescribed FOR us into a 'real' world where we are responsible for cultivating our social lives for ourselves.

 

Not everyone adapts to this reality very easily.

 

Especially in this time of Covid, we are each being forced to take charge of our internal world and our focus and our outlook. That's not easy, and you are in excellent company. Lots of people are having trouble coping, and your concerns are no less deserving of care and consideration than anyone else's.

 

Most of us have been let down by people in our past in whom we were invested. I don't say that to minimize the problem. I suggest that this teaches each of us to avoid investing trust in anyone who has not EARNED our trust.

 

Consider setting your internal trust meter to a neutral 5 on a 1-10 scale. From there, observe new people over time to learn whether they are trust-WORTHY enough to invest more trust, OR whether their behavior toward others warrants a withdrawal of trust.

 

People eventually show us who they are. It's up to us to Pay Attention.

 

This is about mature observation rather than limiting yourself to a dualistic 'all-or-nothing' trust of the world at large. It's a case-by-case deal, for ALL of us. You're in the maturing process of learning discretion and wisdom in screening.

 

Whenever you encounter people who are down, you get to decide whether to invest your energy to help lift them up (which can also help you to lift yourself up), or whether they are too stuck in a downer to waste your time on them (which is an equally valid choice to preserve your investment in your own energy).

 

Whenever you encounter people who are too 'up' for you, you get to decide whether investing your time and focus with them can help to lift you up, or not.

 

None of these choices are 'wrong'. These are private choices. We all make them, and while the process of using mature discretion never ends, it does get easier over time and experience.

 

Head high, and write more if it helps.

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I've been let down by most people in my life. I've been criticized for simply speaking out. At times it has left be severely depressed, wondering why I'm even alive. Two things keep me going. First is a belief in myself. As a shy introvert, I'm actually okay just being me. While it's nice to have someone there, I know that at the end of the day I have to rely on and like myself. I have to stay true to myself and my values. As long as I am happy with the way I am and trying to be a good person, what others think of or do to me isn't important.

 

Second, I try to turn all my hurt and anguish into something positive. Volunteer. Help people. I know what it's like to hurt and I don't want anyone else feeling as I have. I've tutored and worked with children. I've worked with centers giving food to the homeless. I've taught literacy to adults. I had a weekly shift with a local library bookstore (at least pre-covid). If there is a cause you feel passionate about, find a way to get involved. Especially now, people are dealing with tremendous issues, from hunger to emotional depression. Giving back helps them and can help you feel better about yourself. We're all in this together.

 

Beautifully said, ShySoul and I concur. Thank you.

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It would help you to finally get the depression treated rather than continue to think mental health is a DIY situation.

 

If you broke your leg, would you go to a doctor or just read books and affirmations about it wishing and hoping it would magically get better?

. Actually I hide my depression, which can be exhausting too of course, not changing the mood to a negative vibe.
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Thank you for replying! Sounds like a tough time with your mom.

For my point of perspective I never really pushed people away. People did push me away and let me down, and not for being a debby downer. I had a bad habit of finding people who werent good for me in the past. Maybe lately ive been more distant, more careful and a little more on my own. But still keeping contact with friends, just a little less. Actually I hide my depression, which can be exhausting too of course, not changing the mood to a negative vibe. I feel ashamed for it and dont want to burden people with it. Could be the reason why I am becoming a bit more of a hermit lately. My sister is like you, she also had her negative moods but its more easy to her to get out of it.

Medication could work, I never really read into the chemical imbalanse thing. I will look it up. I will be seeing my doctor this week and will ask her about this.

I wonder, how did the medication work for your mother?

 

Well I tell you this, if she wasn't on it she would have ended up in a mental hospital like her mother did, or committed suicide. I sure can tell when her medication isn't working anymore....that's when I have to tell her to see her doctor about it.

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Actually I hide my depression, which can be exhausting too of course, not changing the mood to a negative vibe. I feel ashamed for it and dont want to burden people with it. Could be the reason why I am becoming a bit more of a hermit lately.

 

Hiding your feelings is usually a bad way to go. You end up burying it inside you where it eats at you and make you feel steadily worse. As much as you want it to go away, it will still be there and leak out, probably in unhealthy ways. Eventually you can't hold it in anymore and it comes out, which can lead to even worse situations with those around you. Healthiest thing to do is actually confront it. If people are true friends, they will be understanding and supportive. They will want to help you through it. If they don't, it's better to know then pretend they are something there not. And while therapy or medication can help, I believe they should only be a temporary step. Ultimately it's you that has to address why you are feeling this way and find something fulfilling in your life. As dark as the world feels, especially now, there is light. Try to focus on good news that you can find, on stories of people helping each other or accomplishing their dreams. Realize that anything is possible and that we all can live a happy, purposeful life.

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