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Is it okay to stay with a controlling boyfriend if the control doesn't bother me


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So, my boyfriend checks my phone (not religiously, but here and there) I'm not allowed to have a passcode on my phone without him knowing the passcode even though he's allowed to have one. His reason is bc he's always had a password and when I got with him I didn't have a password on my cell so why do I want one now? He gets jealous and makes comments if I wear leggings to work, if I don't anwser my cell at work he will accuse me of cheating or caring more about work than him and sometimes leaves me voicemails calling me names or saying hell kill me and whoever I'm cheating with. I quit my last job for him, now I have a job I am in love with and he wants me to quit because he says it's detrimental to our relationship. He doesn't say to quit, but he says, "This job will be what breaks us up if you stay." Which he said at my last job too. He's made it clear he wants me a stay at home and makes me feel guilty for in his words "pawning my baby off" to go work everyday when I don't have to because he makes good money. I'm not allowed to have social media, though he has one. The main one that pisses me off is the job thing. I will never quit another job bc of him. The social media makes me mad depending on the day. Is it okay that I stay with him since it really doesn't bother me that he's controlling? Or can someone explain why it's bad to stay even though I'm okay with it? We've been together for a bit, my child is not biologically his btw. He does have great qualities not listed in this as well. Thank you.

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Never quit the job which you love. Your job will outlast your boyfriend and your job puts food on the table and a roof over your head. Your boyfriend will not provide for you forever. Never rely on a man for your survival. Make it on your own.

 

Eventually, his controlling behavior will bother you. You need more self confidence and security. Being controlled and bossed around while accepting this unacceptable behavior is a sign of your low self esteem. Don't be meek and okay with it. You need to work on elevating your self esteem and transforming it into strength and toughness. It's bad to stay with him because you're teaching your child that it's okay to be controlled and disrespected. His controlling ways will wear on you and at some point, he'll make your life a pure living hell. It's just a matter of time. Beware.

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"sometimes leaves me voicemails calling me names or saying hell kill me and whoever ... "

 

That is a terroristic threat! You have a child that is not his and you say you're okay with his being controlling and it doesn't bother you?

It is a gross and wreck-less endangerment to your child if you stay with this person another second! You need to find a place to stay and not just leave but leave skid marks behind you as you exit. Don't let yourself or your child become another statistic.

 

 

 

You need to get your child and not just leave but leave skid marks out of the parking lot !

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No, it's not ok to stay. a. The whole scenario sounds like escalating towards domestic abuse. b. What kind of example do you think that seeing you being treated like this sets for your child?

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Why would you WANT to stay with him?

That’s what’s wrong.

 

If you love your child , then either leave him or give the child up for adoption and choose to be his slave.

They are your only choices .

 

This is absurd.

 

Controlling behaviour only gets worse.

Never better.

 

So pass your child into someone else and lock yourself in a room.

That’s essentially his goal.

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But this does bother you. And it should. The reason why it's mistake is because control always escalates...

 

Threats to kill you should never tolerated. Not even once.

 

What is happening with you, that you accept this? These examples you gave are abuse, not love and horrible examples for your child.

 

That's the other main reason. Not only are you short changing yourself but also your child. They d

deserve much better. Abuse is taught. Your guy is probably the product of a lot of abuse and he needs help, but it is on him to want to change and stop the cycle that will ultimately be passed down to your child.

 

I think you should look for mental health resources near you. To help you understand why you suppress that this bothers you, why you accept this, and most importantly to help you get out of this situation and protect your child from any damage being done.

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Is this a BDSM relationship where you willingly allow humiliation and control?

 

You say it doesn't bother you. Are people in your life warning you?

 

What do you mean by "allowed"?

 

Other people don't foresay, ""warn" me but they say he can be a little too clingy sometimes. There's a few people that say he's controlling. I've never had anyone flat out warn me to leave or etc. I mean, we sometimes do the BDSM thing in the bedroom, but not all of the time. As for 'allowed' um idk he says I'll be single if I do have the social media, or he says that I won't have a phone for long if I put the passcode on, if I wear leggings to work he just keeps asking who I'm with, if I defend my job he says that I put work first or that the job pays me peanuts (it's not that bad of a job) or that it'll be what breaks us up.

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Yeah, I'll never ask for help ever again because of people like you. I'm a very good mother and I'm here asking for help. I will never seek insight or help ever again.

 

It's really no problem for anyone here if you don't ask for help ever again.

 

The ones who will suffer for it are you and your child, though. By staying with someone who threatens to kill you, you are exposing your child to a toxic and dangerous home environment. You might not care very much, but you need to put what is best for your little one ahead of your own needs and desires.

 

As the mother, you lead by example. You model what relationships and love look like. Think about what you are modelling here. It's not good. I get it's not the feedback you want to hear, but that's the risk you take when you post on a public forum. Folks aren't going to sugarcoat things for you. I can't imagine anyone in your life would condone this relationship if they knew the full and unfiltered truth - especially when an innocent kid is in the midst of this.

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It's really no problem for anyone here if you don't ask for help ever again.

 

The ones who will suffer for it are you and your child, though. By staying with someone who threatens to kill you, you are exposing your child to a toxic and dangerous home environment. You might not care very much, but you need to put what is best for your little one ahead of your own needs and desires.

 

As the mother, you lead by example. You model what relationships and love look like. Think about what you are modelling here. It's not good. I get it's not the feedback you want to hear, but that's the risk you take when you post on a public forum. Folks aren't going to sugarcoat things for you. I can't imagine anyone in your life would condone this relationship if they knew the full and unfiltered truth - especially when an innocent kid is in the midst of this.

 

Yes. I know and have known of many women who "complain" about their partners but in reality they like the whole power thing and being able to say "sorry I can't make it after all because my boyfriend sneezed and we're out of tissues so I have to get him his favorite brand" or "oh, he called!!!! he wants me to go with him to this party and apologized for last minute -so - let's hang out another time ok?"

 

But it's not fair to subject your child to this. You might be a good mother overall for sure. This choice is not one that is in your child's best interests at all. I'm sure you agree that to be a good mother you should act in your child's best interests right?? I agree with lead by example -what is your child seeing about a healthy romantic relationship? What is she seeing about you tolerating being controlled and disrespected?

 

Also I was home full time the first 7 years of my son's life -but I rarely stayed in one place or was "at home" - we were out and about exploring, at story time at the library, hours and hours at the local playgrounds etc - I cleaned some and cooked some and had a cleaning service twice a month -because my job was to raise our son. The rest was lower priority/secondary. But if he wants you to "stay home" my guess is he means for you to be his maid, his servant, his cook, do windows - that child is not his -so he won't care if you're actually spending time with her "being a good mother".

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Im literally here asking for advice because I don't understand 1 why it's okay to me and 2 if it's okay or not. I'm a excellent mother and thanks to you and the other people saying to remove my kid I will NEVER ask for help ever again

 

So what advice were you looking for? You asked whether you should stay with him and every single post (including myself) is saying that this is a really bad idea! You came here seeking outside advice of which you have zero control of. This is an ADVICE forum where people are going to share their wisdom based on their experiences and expertise. And sometimes, they are not going to agree with you. ENA does not sugar coat advice - we give it to you based on what information YOU give us.

 

This statement alone is very problematic, because it shows how you are actually projecting your own lack of control in your relationship... onto other people. By snapping at us, you make it into a power struggle. The fact you respond this way with STRANGERS shows how powerless you really feel because of what your boyfriend does to YOU. You have to feel power from some other source restore any self worth you have. And I say this from a place of concern for your well-being rather than out of anger/offense.

 

Him making you quit your job, give up wearing leggings (absolutely ridiculous), and even sending you a death threat IS ABUSE. And by staying with a person like this, YOU are enabling him. He thinks his behavior is acceptable because there are no consequences. And when he is not being reprimanded, it will INCREASE the likelihood of his controlling behavior. And that’s not me being a judgmental b**ch; That’s exactly how human nature and psychology works. Your very existence and agreement I continue your relationship with him IS a positive reinforcement for him to continue harmful behaviors to you. So no, he has made it clear that he will not stop by imposing more demands to “keep you in line” as he sees it.

 

So really... and hollering from the back of the bus here... YOU ARE BEING ABUSED BY THIS MAN. FULL STOP.

 

This relationship needs to end now because it WILL turn violent. I was in a relationship with a controlling man who emotionally abused me left and right. I was young and did not understand and thought he did it out of love. But when we came into a disagreement (he wanted me to separate from my friends and attacked my family, and I told him I was no longer putting up with it), that was when he freaked out and ASSAULTED me... that put me in a hospital and therapy.

 

But whatever... you’ll probably chalk up my warning too.

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Well really it's up to you if you stay with him or not. If you don't like this advice then simply don't follow it. However I personally think your relationship doesn't sound normal and your boyfriend is extremely controlling and hypocritical. If he has a password on his phone and he has social media, he has NO right to tell you that you can't have them. He's emotionally abusive because he calls you names and threatens you basically for no reason. He sounds scary so I'm not surprised that someone said something about your child. No offence but how can you actually be a good mother if you allow this nutcase abusive boyfriend around your child? It doesn't matter if he has other good qualities. The point is he's got severe control issues and his behaviour is not normal. I would never be with someone like this.

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“Excellent” mothers do not expose their kids to men like this!

Something is very wrong with your thinking if you think that any of this behaviour is okay! You know that this relationship is abusive or you wouldn’t be here.

 

Are you allowed to have friends?

Edited by Hollyj
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OP, you are your child’s role model. You are setting a very poor example. YOU are showing your child that it is okay to be in a dysfunctional, abusive relationship. Would you want them to to be in a similar situation?

 

Was your father like this creep?

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I think you've normalized the behaviours and this part of the cycle of abuse. Seek help, professional help. No longer being able to see clearly or feeling like you can justify some of it sometimes is part of it. You'll have some moments of lucidity and recognize in your gut that it's wrong but then you'll try to rationalize with yourself again that it's okay. It's not okay.

 

One thing I did was think about my child. If he was in the same situation, how would I react? This did it for me because I realized if it were happening to anyone else none of it would be all right. Speak to someone about recognizing these signs earlier and learning why you slipped into this role in the first place.

 

The bright side is that you are employed so use that as a stepping stone to leave.

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If this did not bother you, you would not be writing in here asking about your situation. Surely you know this is wrong. The guy is threatening you, telling you to quit your job too. There's something wrong with him and the sooner you realize that, the better for you. He sounds like a terrible person. You have a child to think about who should come ahead of this guy.

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You need to redefine your proclivities. He is dominating, humiliating, etc well outside the bedroom. Do not complain a to friends about "he's controlling, is it ok?" when in fact you are in a BDSM situation, which means he can be sadistic, controlling, humiliating, etc with your compliance and consent.

we sometimes do the BDSM thing in the bedroom, but not all of the time.
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