dcz 1 Posted October 30, 2020 Share Posted October 30, 2020 We are in a long distance relationship for 1 year already. She is amazing, she makes me a better person and I really love her. I know is the same for her since she told me she has never loved anybody as much as she does to me. However, we are always having conflicts over the same stuff again and again. She is always having guys flirting with her, sometimes she even hangs out alone with the guys. I told her how uncomfortable it makes me but she told me that she doesnt like them but she only does it because they pay her the food and icecreams. I was really uncomfortable but learned to trust her since she is always telling me everything she does and even gave me her social media accounts (I didnt ask for it, and I am not checking on it either). We always have conflict over the same 2 guys, her ex and her old crush. The arguments we have over her abusive ex were several times (She about to go to another city and staying one night with him in the other city for a funeral, her ex talking bad things about our relationship and her believing it, her ex wanting to come back with her, and so on). Even when she knows all of this she keeps on texting with him whenever he texts her. She promised me last week that she would block him and not talk to him anymore since she really loved me and didnt want to lose me and would do what she can to compromise on things that bother me. Now her old crush, she used to think he was physically handsome and still think about it; however, once she started texting with him she told me she really dislike his personality and the way he texts (at this point we both knew her old crush likes her). After a couple of months it turns out he became a really good friend of her when she told me she dislike his personality. She told me he kept on texting her everyday and that he knew she has a boyfriend so she didnt feel like she was doing anything wrong by replying and keep on talking with him. She made a special ringtone whenever she receives texts from him (same as me), and told me she wont block him because he is a good friend to her. We probably had two arguments about this because I was feeling really uncomfortable knowing that. They stopped talking for a while because her friend likes the guy and told her she didnt want her talking with him. Now that her friend and her fought a few days ago, her oldcrush texted my gf for her birthday and ask her to hangout which she accepted. She told me everything about it and that they were going to go eat pizza and walk over the beach while talking over stuffs. I didnt know what to say since we had like 2 arguments about this before. So I just said ok. I am really uncomfortable knowing all of that but I am a little bit tired of having the same arguments over the same thing and guys over and over. I am really starting to feel like a controlling person. Since she told me that yesterday I have been acting more distant today because I dont know what to do. I am very confused if I am being the problem here but I am sure that I am a little bit upset and I am pretty sure she knows it. I would appreciate any advice or your point of view on this thank you. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Hollyj 1,438 Posted October 30, 2020 Share Posted October 30, 2020 How old are you guys? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
dcz 1 Posted October 30, 2020 Author Share Posted October 30, 2020 Im 24 and she is 19 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
gsxr104 66 Posted October 31, 2020 Share Posted October 31, 2020 You're playing with fire Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ShySoul 28 Posted October 31, 2020 Share Posted October 31, 2020 I don't think you are controlling, just a little insecure and jealous. That's also understandable. It's not a pleasant thought thinking of your girlfriend spending time with someone she used to be involved with or who she had feelings for. There's going to be uneasy feeling that things could go wrong. Unfortunately, who she wants to spend time with his her choice. To try to tell her she can't would be controlling, which you don't seem like that kind of person. You have expressed your concern. She is also being very open about her actions. Unless she's given you other reasons to be concerned with the relationship, you need to trust her. If you are together long enough, there will probably be a time where you friends with someone she doesn't care for. You would want her to trust you, right? So you should trust her. Did she stop talking to the ex? While I think the crush is probably just a friendship and he seems respectful of her situation with you, I'm concerned about the ex. If he was abusive and has said bad things about you and her, then she shouldn't be talking about him. He has hurt her behavior and she needs to avoid putting herself in position to be hurt again. If the issue with him continues, let her know that your concern is for her and that you don't want to see him hurt her again. There's a reason he is an ex. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
dcz 1 Posted October 31, 2020 Author Share Posted October 31, 2020 Am I overreacting if I bring this up again to her? I feel like I am being controlling since we already had arguments about her old crush several times before. She has been texting me today and although I hate to be acting distant towards her I just cannot help it since I feel uncomfortable or upset everytime I think about it. I think I am just afraid to keep investing emotionally on her because of all of this. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Hollyj 1,438 Posted October 31, 2020 Share Posted October 31, 2020 Not only does she use guys for food, but she is an attention seeker. She is also disrespecting you by hanging out with these guys for attention. I do not agree with Shysoul, I think that you need to lose this girl as she is already emotionally cheating. She is also of low character and a user. Find someone better! This girl does not value you, at all! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
dcz 1 Posted October 31, 2020 Author Share Posted October 31, 2020 I don't think you are controlling, just a little insecure and jealous. That's also understandable. It's not a pleasant thought thinking of your girlfriend spending time with someone she used to be involved with or who she had feelings for. There's going to be uneasy feeling that things could go wrong. Unfortunately, who she wants to spend time with his her choice. To try to tell her she can't would be controlling, which you don't seem like that kind of person. You have expressed your concern. She is also being very open about her actions. Unless she's given you other reasons to be concerned with the relationship, you need to trust her. If you are together long enough, there will probably be a time where you friends with someone she doesn't care for. You would want her to trust you, right? So you should trust her. Did she stop talking to the ex? While I think the crush is probably just a friendship and he seems respectful of her situation with you, I'm concerned about the ex. If he was abusive and has said bad things about you and her, then she shouldn't be talking about him. He has hurt her behavior and she needs to avoid putting herself in position to be hurt again. If the issue with him continues, let her know that your concern is for her and that you don't want to see him hurt her again. There's a reason he is an ex. Yes you are right, I guess all I can do right now is trust her. It just bothers me that she knows he likes her but she still wants to hang out with him. My gf and I know he likes her since he invited my gf to play a phone game in where they ask only sexual questions, he also asked her if she had a boyfriend and asked her to send her a voice note so he can put it on his ringtone (this is the reason why my gf also put his voice note as a ringtone whenever she gets his messages). He used to text my gf everyday asking her to hang out with him to see the sunrise in the beach, talk and do many other things with her (they never met in person before), but she wouldnt do it because she knew it made me uncomfortable. Yes, I told her that I was concerned because I didnt want to see her getting hurt again. According to my gf, she just told her ex that she doesnt like him anymore and can be only friends with him and help him whenever he needs help. I appreciate your help thank you! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Hollyj 1,438 Posted October 31, 2020 Share Posted October 31, 2020 I don't think you are controlling, just a little insecure and jealous. That's also understandable. It's not a pleasant thought thinking of your girlfriend spending time with someone she used to be involved with or who she had feelings for. There's going to be uneasy feeling that things could go wrong. Unfortunately, who she wants to spend time with his her choice. To try to tell her she can't would be controlling, which you don't seem like that kind of person. You have expressed your concern. She is also being very open about her actions. Unless she's given you other reasons to be concerned with the relationship, you need to trust her. If you are together long enough, there will probably be a time where you friends with someone she doesn't care for. You would want her to trust you, right? So you should trust her. Did she stop talking to the ex? While I think the crush is probably just a friendship and he seems respectful of her situation with you, I'm concerned about the ex. If he was abusive and has said bad things about you and her, then she shouldn't be talking about him. He has hurt her behavior and she needs to avoid putting herself in position to be hurt again. If the issue with him continues, let her know that your concern is for her and that you don't want to see him hurt her again. There's a reason he is an ex. What the gf is doing is completely unacceptable! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
dcz 1 Posted October 31, 2020 Author Share Posted October 31, 2020 Not only does she use guys for food, but she is an attention seeker. She is also disrespecting you by hanging out with these guys for attention. I do not agree with Shysoul, I think that you need to lose this girl as she is already emotionally cheating. She is also of low character and a user. Find someone better! This girl does not value you, at all! I remember asking her if she liked the attention she received from all of those guys because I was thinking about it at a certain point. She just told me she dont like to make them feel bad by ignoring them or replying them badly. I was curious because she told me she was a reserved person and that I didnt have to worry about guys since she doesnt talk to any guy at all. However, these last months new "friends" keeps on appearing in her life and keep inviting her to eat outside. Although I know she doesnt like them and just think of them as friends that invite her food, I still feel uncomfortable. I just learned to accept it I guess. I think the reason why it bothers me so much is also because we are currently in a long distance relationship. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Hollyj 1,438 Posted October 31, 2020 Share Posted October 31, 2020 If they are paying for her meals and she is flirting with them, they are dates. None of my male friends pay my way. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Hollyj 1,438 Posted October 31, 2020 Share Posted October 31, 2020 Why would you accept this? Where is your self worth? She is cheating on you. You need to wake up! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Hollyj 1,438 Posted October 31, 2020 Share Posted October 31, 2020 Have you met in person? 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
dcz 1 Posted October 31, 2020 Author Share Posted October 31, 2020 Why would you accept this? Where is your self worth? She is cheating on you. You need to wake up! I understand it seems that way, what makes me doubt is why would she let me know about the guys that texts her and send me pictures of the things that they text her if she is going to cheat on me. Also giving me the password of all her social media accounts without me asking about it (which is where most of the guys texts her first). Im not going to lie saying I am not emotionally attached to her right now but i will definetely break up with her if she ends up cheating on me. I was very confused and thought I was overreacting and being a controlling bf since those are things she told me before when I was uncomfortable with all those guys she met before. I guess I was not, thank you for your point of view it really helps me see things more clearly. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
dcz 1 Posted October 31, 2020 Author Share Posted October 31, 2020 Have you met in person? We havent. She lives in my city where all my friends and family are, and I am currently in college abroad. I will come back to my city next summer. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Hollyj 1,438 Posted October 31, 2020 Share Posted October 31, 2020 Yes. She would, as she wants a reaction from you. My ex used to be very "open," he also had a long history of cheating with his ex wife. This is not uncommon. She already is cheating on you if she is going andantes with other guys. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Hollyj 1,438 Posted October 31, 2020 Share Posted October 31, 2020 C'mon dude! You are investing all your energy into someone you haven't even met, and is is displaying really bad behavior. Find someone local. You have no idea who this woman is, as she is a stranger. What do your friends say? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
dcz 1 Posted October 31, 2020 Author Share Posted October 31, 2020 C'mon dude! You are investing all your energy into someone you haven't even met, and is is displaying really bad behavior. Find someone local. You have no idea who this woman is, as she is a stranger. What do your friends say? Since my city is small, some of my friends know about her and I know her older brother from high school (older than me). My closest friends just told me based on the things that I told them that I should be careful and not invest emotionally on her and try talking to other girls since the things that she is doing seems a little bit immature and not worth getting too attached. Basically if I enjoy talking to her, that I should keep doing that while looking for another girl. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Hollyj 1,438 Posted October 31, 2020 Share Posted October 31, 2020 Personally, I think you should cut contact. It is not fair to other girls when you still have feelings for another. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Nebraskagirl14 43 Posted October 31, 2020 Share Posted October 31, 2020 There is catastrophe written all over this. As someone who was just left for an ex who she said a million times was just a friend, I am telling you to get to the bottom of this. Hanging out with someone that likes you is you not having boundaries or protecting your relationship. It’s essentially sending the message to the other person, “I‘m cool with you liking me even though I’m with someone else.” Major boundaries issues happening here or about to and as Hollyj stated, she clearly needs mega attention. I have been burned too many times and burned a few people in my past in this way. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ShySoul 28 Posted October 31, 2020 Share Posted October 31, 2020 Ok, so there's new information here that wasn't in the first post. Puts a different spin on it. If her crush is asking her sexual questions, he is crossing a line. If it was simply an old crush that she wasn't interested in and he was respecting the boundaries, then I stand by that you trust her and let her be friends with whoever she wants. But if he is actively pursuing more, then you should be concerned. I won't go as far as to say she is cheating or using you. I don't know her, so I won't judge her like that. But her behavior is troubling. Either she likes the attention and keeps seeking it, or she has a serious problem with saying no. She's putting herself in bad situations. Assuming she only sees them as friends, she needs to stay away from people making such overt sexual suggestions. She's had one guy who was abusive and another who is crossing into to too many personal areas. These aren't people you worry about making feel bad. For her own safety, these are people that should be ignored. Also, if you have never met in person, you should be careful about how attached you are. How well do you really know her? It's cliche, but people can say anything online, be anyone. You don't need to give up on it entirely, but I'd think about how I was feeling. Taken the entirety of the time you've known her, who has she been? Are there enough things to give you doubts as to her intentions? Remember, a person isn't who they are in the last conversation, they are who they've been in the whole relationship. So, who is she? Do you genuinely feel she can be trusted? Or have their been questions that you may not have thought of before? Decide what you are comfortable with and at what point it would be too much for you to take. And should you decide to not be with her, I'd also be careful about just looking for someone else. I'd try being solo for awhile. You seem like you get attached to people, so I'd advise caution when pursuing relationships. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
boltnrun 1,238 Posted October 31, 2020 Share Posted October 31, 2020 How can someone you never even met be your girlfriend? I'm sure she wants someone she can actually spend time with in person. I would think you would want that for yourself too. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ShySoul 28 Posted October 31, 2020 Share Posted October 31, 2020 If they are paying for her meals and she is flirting with them, they are dates. None of my male friends pay my way. Sidebar from the main topic, but I'd pay for a girl's meal even if it wasn't a date and we were only friends with no interest in more. I'm old fashioned and would think of it as being a gentleman. Doesn't necessarily mean anything more. Just a different point of view. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Hollyj 1,438 Posted October 31, 2020 Share Posted October 31, 2020 Sidebar from the main topic, but I'd pay for a girl's meal even if it wasn't a date and we were only friends with no interest in more. I'm old fashioned and would think of it as being a gentleman. Doesn't necessarily mean anything more. Just a different point of view. I would not allow my male friends to do this unless it was a birthday, or I told them I would reciprocate the next time. I'm sorry, but any woman who allows a male friend to always pay their way is a user, not a friend. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Rose Mosse 521 Posted October 31, 2020 Share Posted October 31, 2020 You need to date someone closer to your age and closer to you, geographically. The difference between 19 and 24 is astronomical. She's just finished highschool and you should be graduating from university or at least your undergrad or have been working for a few years. Why does this young person appear interesting at all to you? On top of that you haven't met yet. Even if you live in a small town, this isn't an excuse to settle for so little. You're not even having fun with this person because you're on different wavelengths - mentally, emotionally, even intellectually. Give it some breathing room so you can come to your senses. You're too attached and reacting based on emotions, not with your head. Surround with people who know you and understand you. Don't waste your energies chasing after someone who isn't even in your life enough to share it completely. Your friends may be pushing you in the right direction but you're the one who has to dig deep and figure out the heart of it - why is she an attractive option at all? Having said all that, she has every right to mingle and do whatever she pleases. She'll have to figure out on her own that she's attracting attention from the opposite sex and there's a give and take in all that. Whether she pays the price now or later is her problem. Not yours. You're not her educator and it's good that you haven't come across as controlling or manipulative in the relationship. Call a spade a spade and end this respectfully. She's a human being just as much as you are but it doesn't mean you should be open or receptive to every person who breathes in your direction. Keep your options open but not that open. The right person will come along who matches you better. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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