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My thoughts today


theoutsider
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Hello everybody. I hope you are well!

 

I have a pretty simple question, I guess. But I believe it will be better if I talk to you about it ...

 

I've been in NC for almost a month, and I'm feeling good, focusing on my stuff, like gym and college. Well, I've been living my life normally. And, I believe that the most important thing of all, I feel good about myself, you know?

 

But, my question is this: if in a while (I will not determine a specific time, I believe it depends on numerous personal variables), I feel a genuine desire to contact my ex girlfriend (not being motivated by the feelings we all carry right after the BU, like despair and fear) to try to get closer. What better way to do this without scaring them or anything like that?

 

I hope everyone has a great weekend! : D

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Good you hear you are focusing on yourself, college, career, friends, family, hobbies and interests. Unfortunately she asked you never to speak to her again for whatever reason.

 

Breakups hurt both people. She knows your contact info and if she is not blocked on your social media/messaging apps she can contact you when she is ready. if you crowd or push her, it will backfire.

 

My advice about her remains the same:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=566461&p=7244709&viewfull=1#post7244709

 

I'm feeling good, focusing on my stuff, like gym and college. I feel a genuine desire to contact my ex girlfriend to try to get closer.
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Hi Wise, I'm happy to see you here helping me again (haha). So, I understand what you mean. But in that case, I don't intend to put pressure on her (or anyone). Honestly, I don't see myself contacting her today or anytime.

 

As I said, I didn't want to pre-determine a specific time (30 days of NC, 60, 90, etc, etc.). I can just meet a girl tomorrow and never come back here (many people do that, but I think I'll stay here, it's a great place for advice haha). But, for example, seven months from now, living our lives in the best way possible. And after all this, I feel a GENUINE desire to call her and "test the waters". shouldn't I anyway?

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I wasn't interested in reconciling with an ex and I made it clear to him. Months later he contacted me. I found it annoying. I couldn't understand why he didn't know what "no" meant, apparently.

 

She said no pretty strongly. I don't believe she meant "contact me in a few months to test the waters".

 

I would continue on as you are. Somewhere out there is a young woman who would love to date you. You won't find her if you keep looking backward.

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You'll have to be clear with yourself about your intentions. Not being clear about it will confuse you and her both and considering the way your last talks went it didn't go well and you established yourself as vulnerable and needy. She's not attracted to you. If you can face that and have made peace with it (as in you want nothing to do with her romantically either), your next conversations might make sense.

 

If you still have feelings for her, you're not being very honest with yourself or respectful of her at all.

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Hi Wise, I'm happy to see you here helping me again (haha). So, I understand what you mean. But in that case, I don't intend to put pressure on her (or anyone). Honestly, I don't see myself contacting her today or anytime.

 

As I said, I didn't want to pre-determine a specific time (30 days of NC, 60, 90, etc, etc.). I can just meet a girl tomorrow and never come back here (many people do that, but I think I'll stay here, it's a great place for advice haha). But, for example, seven months from now, living our lives in the best way possible. And after all this, I feel a GENUINE desire to call her and "test the waters". shouldn't I anyway?

 

Of course you shouldn't.

 

Since you have no real timeline, I would recommend waiting 5 years. That's what I did in a similar circumstance. You'll be, what, 25? Still young. For me, the 5 year mark came a couple years ago and I was so busy living my life that I wasn't even that interested and figured I'd wait a little longer. I just kept--and still keep--putting it off. I could reach out tonight for that matter, but meh. I have better things to do than bother someone who wasn't interested. I have other interests now. You will too.

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So the standard answer you are going to get sounds something like this: No contact means NO contact. She told you to not contact her ever. Of course you don't test the waters.

 

I feel that if you are thinking of doing it to get back together with her or see if you could start something again, then don't do it. Doesn't matter what the time frame is. But if it's just to see how she is doing and say hi, I say go ahead. Key is to not expect anything out of it. She may be civil and actually like hearing from you. She may get angry with you. She may ignore you. But if you feel like trying, and truly have no ulterior motives, then just say hi and ask how she is. For me, that's when I knew I was completely over someone, when I could talk to them as a friend and not feel all the emotions that I used to feel. So I tried. She actually liked hearing from me. And even if she hadn't, I was okay with that. I did it for me, with no expectations of what would happen. And I certainly didn't want to get with her by that point.

 

As always, it's up to you. Do what you feel is best for you.

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Congrats on the great job you're doing! If part of your motivation for feeling better has been envisioning being back in contact with your ex, it's better to imagine your paths crossing at a party or something. You can gauge her temperature then.

 

Otherwise, any contact you initiate will send the opposite message of, "I respect you..." by the very fact that you don't respect her wishes to not be contacted.

 

That's the kind of non-starter that can harm any gains you've made to feel better, so I wouldn't suggest it.

 

Head high, and keep moving forward. You'll thank yourself later.

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