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Happy Friday Everyone! I am a married female who has had a gay male best friend for over 45 years.....yes, we are getting old.

My best friend played the organ at my wedding in 1979. My husband, myself and friend...I will call him Brady, all grew up together. My husband is not jealous so that was never an issue. So Brady and I usually talk everyday on FaceTime. We visit then say the Rosary together as we are Catholics. This year has been mega stressful for me. I had to go to court and take my granddaughter away from my oldest daughter due to abuse and neglect. My Mother went into extreme Alzheimer’s and I had to put her in a nursing home as we could not care for her any longer. I am very close with my Mother and she doesn’t even know who I am. That was devastating. I severely injured my back trying to care for Mother and had to have major surgery 4 weeks ago. I have been in a lot of pain since my surgery. Last week Brady FaceTimed me to chat as usual. It was a Sunday so he asked me if I went to Mass. I told him I was having too much pain. Well he became furious with me. He started telling me he was going to “hold my feet to the fire” about missing Mass. I told him I didn’t need him to hold me accountable and then I pointed out that he often skips Mass which is true although I have never tried to make him feel guilty about it. So Brady tells me he will say the Rosary alone and will pray for my intentions. I said ok as I was having severe sciatic pain. Brady said he would check on me in a few days. Well Brady has blocked me from calling him! He won’t answer my emails. I cannot believe how he is acting. I have helped Brady pay his bills when he has needed help. I finally cut him off money wise over a year ago but it didn’t seem to upset him. So I feel totally abandoned not to mention humiliated. I hardly ever called him, he usually called me, so why on earth block me? I guess it is his way of punishing me for offending him. I have had such a stressful year and he knows it so his actions feel especially cruel. I don’t think I could ever trust him after this. I sent one email asking him to call me to discuss the situation but he ignored it. So I am resolved about losing a dear friendship but I am struggling with the added grief that has triggered all the other losses I have been dealing with. I would appreciate any advice from this community. I would also like to help others who are dealing with losses and grief.

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Sorry to hear this. He doesn't seem like a good friend. It sounds like he has is own issues. Where is your husband in all this? Hopefully in addition to your doctors you have a referral to therapy to unpack and sort some of this.

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His behaviour is absurd and hypocritical. Take a step back and ask yourself whether this is someone you want in your life. Turn to your faith and live by your own morals. Don't depend on him anymore.

 

How is your relationship with your husband? You used the word 'breakup' which is a bit overdramatic. This isn't a break up of any sort. It's a friend who's intolerant and has double standards. Don't latch onto people like this just because you have a history with them. He's not someone you can trust going forward. Feel sad if you feel sad that he is what he is and then put it away or let it go.

 

You have far too much on your plate. Focus on better and more positive relationships.

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Lean on your husband instead of your friend. Reach out and find girlfriends to communicate with as well. Let him have a tantrum. There could be other things at work - things he is stressed out about but not telling you or things have been boiling over for awhile. I would just not pursue him or chase him. Live your life. If he comes back into it, decide what to do from there

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Has he thrown tantrums in the past?

 

He is not being a good Catholic is he?

 

Obviously you have been a much better friend to him than he has to you all these years and now in your time of need he abandoned the friendship over something so small. I would guess he was upset because you cut him off and this is his way of showing it.

 

Exactly what have you lost here? I would bet if you made a list you would see you aren't missing much.

 

I would bet good money that if you hadn't cut him off he wouldn't had one ounce of problem with you missing mass.

 

Leave him be and focus on all that is on your plate right now. He will circle back as soon as he needs money again...

 

Lost

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First of all, big internet hugs. I'm sorry for all you are going through and hope that things will get better for you soon.

 

As for your friend....given your ages....I wonder if his behavior isn't driven by early symptoms of dementia or Alzheimer's. Reason I say that is that my aunt became very similar - she suddenly became very aggressive, picking unreasonable fights with fam and friends, suddenly cutting people off, etc. Acting out, very abrupt, unreasonable, etc. From the time this started to the time she was finally properly diagnosed took about 3 years. I guess what I'm saying is that try not to take this too personally as there might be deeper issues going on that nobody is aware of yet. In my aunt's case, first diagnosis failed when she initially started acting "funny" for lack of a better word. She was only finally diagnosed once it became obvious to everyone what the problem is and you didn't need to be a doctor to know what's going on.

 

I would let him cool down and don't reach out but maybe you can keep a discreet eye on him from afar.

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I think there's something else happening below the surface. He's never treated you this way before, so whatever is going on with him is concerning. He's scared about something....maybe how things are changing in your lives, complications due to the pandemic....maybe he feels it the end of the world coming soon, and here you are not going to mass...freaking him out....is it possible no? The world population is acting like it's upside down, people protesting over wear a bloody mask, when there are other more important things to worry about, you know what I mean? I think he's scared for you.

 

I suggest you just let him settle himself down. I doubt very highly he's going to ditch you. Sometimes people need to take a time out. Once the dust settles, and things get back to some kind of normal, things will resume as they were. He will come around, apologize for being a clown, and hope you are not mad at him.

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His behaviour is absurd and hypocritical. Take a step back and ask yourself whether this is someone you want in your life. Turn to your faith and live by your own morals. Don't depend on him anymore.

 

How is your relationship with your husband? You used the word 'breakup' which is a bit overdramatic. This isn't a break up of any sort. It's a friend who's intolerant and has double standards. Don't latch onto people like this just because you have a history with them. He's not someone you can trust going forward. Feel sad if you feel sad that he is what he is and then put it away or let it go.

 

You have far too much on your plate. Focus on better and more positive relationships.

 

Thank you for your comments. My husband and I are close. We were all raised in the same Catholic Church. My husband is not interested in the spiritual and refuses to go to Mass with me. This is why I liked to discuss the Bible, Saints, etc with Brady.

Brady is a PhD and is very good at interpreting information. My husband does not like to think too deeply whereas Brady and I loved to figure things out. My husband and my family understand how much I will miss Brady because he filled my need for critical thinking. That being said my husband and family are being super supportive. Maybe “breakup” wasn’t the right word.

I certainly did not mean to imply any romantic aspect. I am an only child and Brady was like my brother.

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I have suspected that Brady is having mental issues. My Mother started acting out in some strange ways leading up to her Alzheimer’s diagnosis. Looking back I can now understand that her mental status was declining. Mother was always a bit eccentric so we just attributed her behavior to her personality. Her doctor saw it but we didn’t catch on initially. Thank you for your support.

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Thank you for your comments. My husband and I are close. We were all raised in the same Catholic Church. My husband is not interested in the spiritual and refuses to go to Mass with me. This is why I liked to discuss the Bible, Saints, etc with Brady.

Brady is a PhD and is very good at interpreting information. My husband does not like to think too deeply whereas Brady and I loved to figure things out. My husband and my family understand how much I will miss Brady because he filled my need for critical thinking. That being said my husband and family are being super supportive. Maybe “breakup” wasn’t the right word.

I certainly did not mean to imply any romantic aspect. I am an only child and Brady was like my brother.

 

There certainly is a woman's Bible study group even if its over Zoom right now, volunteer groups, etc, at church - maybe even an adoration chapel that you can get involved with and have some "sisters" for a change. I think you are relying too much on him for that part of your life - i think you are also impressed in his PhD in a subtle way - putting yourself as more of a follower in the relationship. Very possibly you didn't seek a mate who had the same level of church involvement as you because it was already met by a friend.

 

If you reach out, you may find more spiritual support and eventually one on one instead of "the group".

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Thank you for your comments. My husband and I are close. We were all raised in the same Catholic Church. My husband is not interested in the spiritual and refuses to go to Mass with me. This is why I liked to discuss the Bible, Saints, etc with Brady.

Brady is a PhD and is very good at interpreting information. My husband does not like to think too deeply whereas Brady and I loved to figure things out. My husband and my family understand how much I will miss Brady because he filled my need for critical thinking. That being said my husband and family are being super supportive. Maybe “breakup” wasn’t the right word.

I certainly did not mean to imply any romantic aspect. I am an only child and Brady was like my brother.

 

Friends need some breathing room as well. Any form of pressuring you or guilting you or shaming you into behaving a certain way is unhealthy. I'm sure you already know that.

 

There are some very open and welcoming groups depending on where you are located and a lot of these meets or socials are happening online on Zoom platforms, for example. If you don't look you won't know so start engaging with your local Catholic or faith-based community. I've reconnected with my Archdiocese and now I'm finding it's a bit too much in the sense that I'm being invited to groups I don't have enough time for but I have kept two, for example. It's a good support network depending on how much time you have. The problem is your friend shaming you and this is wrong. It doesn't matter how many phDs he has or how analytical or intellectually appealing he appears on the outset.

 

Make peace, find good company, don't stay stuck. Keep growing in your beliefs or whatever you choose. If something seems wrong to you never ever settle or accept subpar. Keep searching for better whether it's better environment, better company, better ways of thinking or accepting others or yourself. Good luck.

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You are very perceptive. Brady does think the world is ending. Brady is very intellectual which makes him interesting to talk to but he can be a bit fanatical, especially about the Church. Brady and I are Traditional Catholics. We go to Churches that celebrate the Mass in Latin, pre Vatican 2. He is convinced we are in the end times. I am not worried about the world ending. I work Trauma at the hospital and I am well aware that the world ends everyday for someone. It is the reality of our human condition. When Brady scolded me about missing Mass I replied that it was not a dire situation. That was like pouring gasoline on a fire. I usually indulge him in his predictions but I was in a lot of pain so I cut him off.

I will forgive him if he contacts me. My husband says the same thing as you..he is afraid of something or is hiding something. Our teenage granddaughter we are raising told me “Nana, I always thought he was a little mean.” I have to put this in perspective. I appreciate your perspective. Thank you very much.

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My thoughts exactly concerning the money. That always made me very uncomfortable. The main thing I will miss is discussing the Bible and spiritual things. My husband does not go to Mass and is not interested in discussing spiritual matters unfortunately. My husband is supportive of my beliefs but he refuses to go to Church. My husband is just fine that Brady and I explore our spiritual interests together. So I will miss the spiritual aspect that Brady is so enthusiastic about. Also since we grew up together we have a lot of material to laugh about.

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Thank you so much for your insight. I am blessed that my family has been so supportive. I told one of my daughters what happened with Brady and she told me she would be happy to say the Rosary with me. Funny as she is not geared toward Catholicism but it was a very sweet offer.

Also a bunch of her friends want to come over Thanksgiving and help me cook so that will be fun. Every year we have people come over for holidays who are disenfranchised. We always have a great time. I go back to work next week and I will be very busy. I think being off work and recovering from major surgery depressed me but I am feeling better physically now. It has been a hard year for all of us....all of you included in my prayers. I have a hard time understanding why people create unnecessary drama. There is enough without contributing more stress.

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Libby, can I first say I'm sorry for everything you've had to experience this year. You are a strong person to have survived all of that. You'll make it through and see better days eventually. Have faith.

 

Religion can be comforting and give us hope to get through dark times. It can bring people together in love and unity. Unfortunately, it can also be taken to far and cause much pain. I've seen people claim to be religious, go to every service, say their prayers, and then turn around and do very ungodly things to people. They use their religion as a way to judge and attack others. It can be an easy thing to slip into that behavior. This has been a trying year for everyone, so some people might want to cling harder to their faith and feel that it will protect them. They react out of fear and anger, using it to lash out at others. It sounds like Brady might be falling into that trap.

 

On other hand, you seem to have a clearer worldview. While you hold to your faith, you're responsible about it and don't try to force it upon anyone. Personally, I was raised Catholic but don't hold to most of the traditions. The God that I was taught to believe in cares about how we treat each other, if we are showing people love, respect, and kindness. The kind of person we are means more then attending mass. If people choose to attend mass, that's great. But it's not something to be upset about if they don't, as long as they are trying to live by God's teachings. And from everything you said, it sounds like you are. So try not to be too down about Brady's behavior. You weren't wrong in your actions and you are a good person at heart. The issues he has is something he has to work out for himself. You just keep being the good person you are.

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I have a hard time understanding why people create unnecessary drama. There is enough without contributing more stress.

 

My heart goes out to you. Sometimes people just spaz out. Could be drink, drugs or a mental incapacity--could even be a hostility toward you for handling all of your stresses and pain far better than he can.

 

As much as you admire the guy for his intellect, he may envy you for having your act together. He may perceive you and your husband as having something he lacks. The fact that he owes you money could be an underlier--he may feel guilty.

 

It might help to recognize that the person you've lost is not the same person you knew. It's unfortunate, but maybe it's better that he stays away unless and until he can reconcile his own stuff. He doesn't sound healthy for you to be around at this time.

 

Head high, and invest your focus in the people who love you.

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Don't be too surprised. I, too have encountered hypocrites in my lifetime. It's nothing out of the ordinary. :upset:

 

Don't try to figure Brady out. He didn't treat you right, disrespected you terribly and since he severed ties with you, don't pursue the matter because he's the one who left. It was his decision so you need to accept it even though you don't agree with his actions.

 

Like you, I've helped people monetarily, with gifts, home cooked meals, the whole lot. Some people have no qualms always taking and receiving yet they don't care for others in similar capacities. It's the way of the world so grow accustomed to the dark side of human nature.

 

I've grieved over ended friendships, too. Impulsive actions by perpetrators led to disastrous results. There's nothing to be done about the past. Trust is dead. Keep moving forward in your life and remain positive and grateful. Don't obsess over Brady. He's not a real friend. He demonstrated his true unsavory character to you. It's a sobering reality check for you. Never be with unkind people and Brady was one of them.

 

Learn to cut some people loose. Learn to let go. They're done with you so you do the same. Surround yourself with upstanding, very moral people. Everyone else doesn't matter. Take time to savor your alone time with your personal faith and consider Brady history.

 

Often times, whenever I look back at friendships which went awry, I consider it a blessing in disguise. It wasn't meant to be long term. Only high quality people in your life are enduring and will last a lifetime. Everyone else won't last and they don't qualify.

 

A suggestion: Try joining "virtual" Bible study groups. There are plenty of brethren in your midst. You just haven't found them yet. There are good people who actually 'walk the talk' and 'walk the walk.' Not everyone is as bad as Brady. Whittle down and narrow down people in your life and you will be treated with respect and kindness. Brady is a bad apple. You can afford to be very picky and choosy from now on. When this pandemic is over, try joining real Bible study groups for fellowship and sincere friendships. I found a treasure trove of friends from my Bible study groups. They were so kind to me and still are.

 

Do a reset. Change the way you think! Concentrate and focus on your health and people who DESERVE to be in your circle. Set your priorities straight.

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You are very perceptive. Brady does think the world is ending. Brady is very intellectual which makes him interesting to talk to but he can be a bit fanatical, especially about the Church. Brady and I are Traditional Catholics. We go to Churches that celebrate the Mass in Latin, pre Vatican 2. He is convinced we are in the end times. I am not worried about the world ending. I work Trauma at the hospital and I am well aware that the world ends everyday for someone. It is the reality of our human condition. When Brady scolded me about missing Mass I replied that it was not a dire situation. That was like pouring gasoline on a fire. I usually indulge him in his predictions but I was in a lot of pain so I cut him off.

I will forgive him if he contacts me. My husband says the same thing as you..he is afraid of something or is hiding something. Our teenage granddaughter we are raising told me “Nana, I always thought he was a little mean.” I have to put this in perspective. I appreciate your perspective. Thank you very much.

 

This was my ex --- he wasn't traditional Catholic, but he was in hysteria about "the end times" - more of a new agey flavor to it , but either way - same behavior.

He did have a brain issue that came out later -- but he always had a need to feel special or chosen due to a tumultuous childhood -- he had to learn all about things i cared about - crash course, so he could "school" me on it and why i wasn't thinking/behaving enough. There is something unhealthy about your dynamic where he has to be superior or feel superior.

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