Forced break up due to family

[Rose Mosse]

He doesn't sound ready to date at all. If he can't live on his own terms and depends on his family for approval or support, the problem is him. I'm being very blunt. Are you usually drawn to men like this?

[boltnrun]

I know someone who was so distraught over his girlfriend cheating on him that he called his sister and said he was going to kill himself. The sister called the police and he was placed on a 3 day hold in a psychiatric hospital. He recently started dating someone new and yes, his family is concerned.

 

I don't know if your friend has had something similar happen.

 

However, my kids have friends who were forbidden to date by their parents while they were in college. I presume your friend is beyond college age though.

[Hollyj]

Usually, when people use the Family Card, they’re just using family as the scapegoat to get out of a relationship instead of telling you the real reason. I feel there’s more to this story than just his family’s disapproval based on the information given.

 

Either way, you are better off without him. You don’t want to marry a man who doesn’t have a backbone to future in-laws.

 

EDIT: Ok 7 month relationship? Yep, this one’s a doozy.

 

I agree with this.

[Hollyj]

Wait I think you (and some others) are getting the story wrong. It's not that they are not allowing him to date me in particular. They don't think he should be dating at the moment, period. They don't think he's ready to be in any relationship and don't want him getting serious with anyone.

 

He is a 30-year-old man. Cookie, none of this will change. This guy is a man child and incapable of a relationship. Now, or in the future. he made his choice and is stringing you along. He knows there is no future. Please do not waste any more time on this guy if you are planning on having a family. You will meet someone who is emotionally ready to settle down and not keep you on the periphery of their life.

 

If a friend told you this story, what would you say?

[abitbroken]

He doesn't live with the family btw, but very near to his bro. His bro came around when I was over one day, and he decided to tell the bro he was in a serious relationship and that's when the whole drama started and all other family members were brought in.

 

If I had no clue a sibling was dating anyone and then i meet the person and they announce they are in a serious relationship, i would be gobsmacked. Seriously. His family is right to be skeptical. To them, its the first date and he moved quickly.

 

I have a relative that all the sudden was married with a baby. This isn't second cousin once removed that i only see at funerals and weddings -- it was someone a lot closer than that and we were all like

No one knew he was even seriously dating anyone.

 

Its not them - its him. If he had just said you were someone he started seeing (truth) the reaction would not be as bad or he hadn't hidden you.

 

Btw, there are people who have their SO cheat on them, and it happens again but NOT every relationship. I am going to bet that he isn't telling you the full picture and he either cheated too, or these women started to see someone when they were on break or "let's see other people" and he just needs to be the victim

 

Find a man who wants a relationship

[MissCanuck]

I actually heard the whole thing on the phone, so it's not that he's neglecting to tell me anything. It's just really strange and even he can't figure out why the sudden strong reaction when they never used to bother about each others' lives in the past.

 

No, what I meant was there could be more backstory to his family's current reaction that you don't know about. Not that he's neglecting to tell you something about the ultimatum they delivered, in and of itself.

 

As others above have wondered, I would also question if he far more distraught by his previous break-up than he's told you. They might have legitimate concerns about his mental state and ability to handle a new relationship if he'd suffered terribly after the last one ended. Or, he might have other underlying issues you haven't seen yet that makes them worry about him. Just something to think about.

 

In any event, he's made it clear that the relationship cannot continue. You could stay friendly but I wouldn't keep too close. It will hurt too much if this doesn't end up the way you hope.

[Lambert]

Deleted this to quote your/my response below....

[Lambert]

 

 

I definitely see where you're coming from, and I do see the point. The difficulty here is that we belong to a few hobby groups together that have ongoing activities. It will be supremely awkward for everyone else if we were both not even friends.

 

In some ways this is an excuse you are telling yourself. You can certainly be cordial in social settings but believe me, no one is expecting you to be bffs for their sake.

[SarahLancaster]

Cookie, do you really want to be with someone who can't make decisions for himself?

[ShySoul]

cookiescream,

 

As frustrating as this situation is, you've handled it the best way you can. Between all the past bad breakups and an overprotective crazy family that threatens to cut him out of their life, he is bound to have hesitation on being with you as more then friends. Everyone else he has been close to basically leaves or tells him they will. That's got to be incredibly rough. Yes, he would ideally stand up to the family and choose to go his own way. But that's not an easy choice and he is in an emotionally vulnerable place.

 

All you can do for now is be his friend. Be the one who stable element who does care for him. Show him that you are going to be there and would not leave him. Hopefully that gives him more confidence to fight for the relationship he wants. Maybe it can even convince the family that you are different then the other girls. Of course, you should think of yourself at the same time. Be honest with your feelings and don't try to do anything you are not comfortable with. If it gets too painful, let him know and see how you both want to handle it. The relationship you have sounds like deep connection that is sadly faced with a really messed up circumstance. I hope that together you can get through it.

[Wiseman2]

At 7 mos., if you want to stay friends for whatever reason you can do that. At your own peril.

 

However he depends on his family financially. It's not your job to sever him from his family in some sort of me vs them right-fighting mission.

 

It's also not your job to stand by, sacrifice your own happiness and future for a guy who basically dumped you 7 mos in and hid behind a "crazy family" story to do this.

. Be the one who stable element who does care for him. Show him that you are going to be there and would not leave him. Hopefully that gives him more confidence to fight for the relationship he wants.

[Jibralta]

They don't think he should be dating at the moment, period. They don't think he's ready to be in any relationship and don't want him getting serious with anyone.

 

If someone in their mid 20s told me that they had to stop dating because their parents said this, I'd think they were lying. It's sort of preposterous. I think most parents would be embarrassed to even try something like this. It's bizarre.

[reinventmyself]

If someone in their mid 20s told me that they had to stop dating because their parents said this, I'd think they were lying. It's sort of preposterous. I think most parents would be embarrassed to even try something like this. It's bizarre.

I agree. It might be a stretch but what comes to mind is he put his family through alot over his breakups.

He would have had to do something pretty serious for them to over involve themselves in this way.

I dunno. . .

[Jibralta]

He would have had to do something pretty serious for them to over involve themselves in this way.

 

Yes indeed.