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Just wanted to share my story and get some insight from people here.

 

My bf and I had to break up because of his family's disapproval. Unlike most other stories, the disapproval was not really personal to me. We had been dating many months now, and he's honestly the most compatible partner I have ever met in my life. We align in almost every single way, and in just the first few months, we had reached the sort of levels people usually reach after a year or 2. I've had several relationships in the past, but none of my other exes even come close in terms of compatibility and the love I felt for him.

 

The family's disapproval stems from the fact that he had been cheated on in his past relationships, and they feel he isn't ready for a relationship, nor trust his judgment of character and anyone he meets. He's in his mid-20s mind you (I'm a little older), and very much an adult who should be able to make his own decisions about his life.

But they objected so strongly to the fact that he's in a relationship they think he isn't ready for, that they threatened to disown him. Now his family isn't the greatest, they're stubborn and judgmental and have never been a tight nor supportive family unit. They usually don't give a crap about each other's lives, but this one time, they all decided to meddle.

 

He doesn't live with the family btw, but very near to his bro. His bro came around when I was over one day, and he decided to tell the bro he was in a serious relationship and that's when the whole drama started and all other family members were brought in.

 

It honestly pissed me off because they didn't even give us a chance. Not even a chance to try to get to know me before they decided. And the irony of it all is, I have a very strong stance on cheating and unfaithfulness, and I would never even think about cheating on him.

 

He didn't have the mental strength to fight them, because the fear of getting disowned and not having family constantly got to him. Even if they were a crappy family, they were still his family. It did upset me and broke my heart that he didn't fight for even a chance with me, but at the same time, I understand how scary it can be when the threat of being disowned looms over the relationship.

 

We've since decided to stay friends and still talk every day, just without the lovey dovey stuff, but it's been difficult when feelings are so strong. This was the only strategy we could think of to even have a chance of being together in the future. And it's only a chance since we don't know if the family will ever let him live his own life or allow us to get back together. It's only been a few days but I've been bouncing between heartache and apathy. It's not easy for him either, because he does want to be with me and if not for this, we would still be very happy together.

 

I just hate that it's become so uncertain... will we ever be together again, and if not, will I ever meet or love another person so compatible with me? We've decided to wait it out together, as friends, and hope we can eventually be together again. But there seems to be no end in sight at the moment.

 

If anyone has any similar stories to share, and how you coped, or any insight into this, feel free to share.

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You are really talking as if you're both high school kids and minors his parents have full legal and influential control over him. He's an adult in his mid 20's and he can do what he wants. So really it's him that made the decision to listen to them and let them completely control him. He could have at least tried to stand up to them and fight for your relationship, but he didn't.

 

The family all sound unstable and not like good people at all. If he found someone he loves and he's happy, how dare they ruin that for him! They're extremely selfish. Just because his ex cheated on him doesn't mean he's not allowed to be in a new relationship. The whole thing is completely ridiculous! Next time they'll probably stop him from being with a new woman. Is he going to grow some balls or he's just going to put up with it his whole life? Your boyfriend is an adult and it's really none of his family's business who he dates, as long as he's dating a nice and decent person.

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He must have been very hurt and in a bad way for him to go and tell his entire family that someone cheated on him. Most people wouldn't be sharing that type of information with family and maybe if he hadn't, you two wouldn't be where you are.

 

But just the same, he told them and he must have been quite distraught, which is why they are now over protective. They are trying to force him to stay out of a relationship in order to protect him and protect someone hurting him again. I once again wonder how bad of shape he was in.

 

But for the time being, there isn't anything that can be done. Keep doing as you're doing, if you love him, then wait. That's all the choices you have for now.

But don't force him to choose between you or them. If you remain in his life as you are, maybe in time they will see your loyalty and know that you are someone who truly does love him.

 

Honestly, I don't think there's much else to do or any other choice.

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You are really talking as if you're both high school kids and minors his parents have full legal and influential control over him. He's an adult in his mid 20's and he can do what he wants. So really it's him that made the decision to listen to them and let them completely control him. He could have at least tried to stand up to them and fight for your relationship, but he didn't.

 

The family all sound unstable and not like good people at all. If he found someone he loves and he's happy, how dare they ruin that for him! They're extremely selfish. Just because his ex cheated on him doesn't mean he's not allowed to be in a new relationship. The whole thing is completely ridiculous! Next time they'll probably stop him from being with a new woman. Is he going to grow some balls or he's just going to put up with it his whole life? Your boyfriend is an adult and it's really none of his family's business who he dates, as long as he's dating a nice and decent person.

 

I find the whole thing really ridiculous too, and so does he! Btw, he was cheated on basically in every relationship he was in, so it wasn't just once. But he doesn't have the mental strength to fight atm. Honestly, I understand from his POV as well, the threat of being disowned and losing your entire family is very real. Even if we think they're and not how a family should be at all, they're the only family he knows. He chose not to fight them immediately because it would have blown things out of proportion, and he could have actually been disowned on the spot.

 

He must have been very hurt and in a bad way for him to go and tell his entire family that someone cheated on him. Most people wouldn't be sharing that type of information with family and maybe if he hadn't, you two wouldn't be where you are.

 

But just the same, he told them and he must have been quite distraught, which is why they are now over protective. They are trying to force him to stay out of a relationship in order to protect him and protect someone hurting him again. I once again wonder how bad of shape he was in.

 

But for the time being, there isn't anything that can be done. Keep doing as you're doing, if you love him, then wait. That's all the choices you have for now.

But don't force him to choose between you or them. If you remain in his life as you are, maybe in time they will see your loyalty and know that you are someone who truly does love him.

 

Honestly, I don't think there's much else to do or any other choice.

 

Thanks for the kind words. I'm also holding on to the hope that one day, they'll realise that we weren't just jumping into a relationship without thought and that he could actually be happy with me.

 

How long did you date?

 

You cannot be friends if there are feelings. You need to go no contact.

 

About 7 months in. It was a very difficult decision to make to remain friends, because the feelings definitely are there, and my heart still aches every time I think about when we were happy before all of this drama. But for us, we'd rather not lose each other from our lives, and at least this way, there's a chance we can wait and see if the family ever comes around.

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He's not in any place to have a relationship if his family has this much control over him.

 

Sorry hon, but this is not likely to work out well. I would respectfully part ways so you can heal and find a guy isn't part of toxic family drama. You're too young to put yourself on hold for this.

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Sorry to hear that. Are you from different cultural or religious backgrounds? Do you both work/ go to school?

 

Have you met any of his friends or family besides the brother? At 7 mos. in you're seeing a huge incompatibility .

 

In what way would they "disown" him? Does he depend on them financially? Unfortunately it seems like this is his, not their decision.

 

It seems after 7 mos. he's just not interested in going further but used the family pressure story to back out.

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Sorry to hear that. Are you from different cultural or religious backgrounds? Do you both work/ go to school?

 

Have you met any of his friends or family besides the brother? At 7 mos. in you're seeing a huge incompatibility .

 

In what way would they "disown" him? Does he depend on them financially? Unfortunately it seems like this is his, not their decision.

 

It seems after 7 mos. he's just not interested in going further but used the family pressure story to back out.

 

We both work, but he lost his job during the pandemic so technically he's not working at the moment. I've hung out with some of his friends and have met the mum in passing.

 

And nah, it's definitely not that way. When the family exploded, they meant business so imagine having the fear of losing your entire family over a relationship. While the decision is not ideal, and I wish he had more strength to stand up to them, he just doesn't at the moment. I hate the situation more than anything, but I know from the bottom of my heart and not just because I'm "blinded by love" that it's not because he wants to back out. Like most men, he doesn't normally cry, but he has shed so many tears over this. And the whole reason why it even happened in the first place was because he was serious enough about the relationship to want to let the family know it was a proper one.

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Usually, when people use the Family Card, they’re just using family as the scapegoat to get out of a relationship instead of telling you the real reason. I feel there’s more to this story than just his family’s disapproval based on the information given.

 

Either way, you are better off without him. You don’t want to marry a man who doesn’t have a backbone to future in-laws.

 

EDIT: Ok 7 month relationship? Yep, this one’s a doozy.

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I'm sorry he did this to you. Its obvious you love him, as you're understanding and even defending his actions.

 

The thing is, he is choosing his family over you. right or wrong. And further harming you, by stringing you along, as a result. You said, you're very compatible. But are you? Not in this case. And this is the biggest of cases- Agreeing to being in a relationship.

 

This guy is weak in a fundamental way. Not much else matters. I've tried the friend zone and have seen others to know, this does not work out. Something in the dynamic changes the respect and desire elements needed in a romance.

 

The other messed up part is, friends does not remove the pain, it only prolongs it. The best thing you can do is tell him, you understand his position and if he changes his mind to contact you, but you need to take care of yourself and your future... Whatever and who ever that means. He is wasting your time. Yes. Someone that breaks up with you is wasting your time.

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If his family magically decided to accept you, don't think this would be the last time they would be overly involved in your lives, and do expect he'd be laying himself flat like a doormat to be trampled by them.

 

Whether it be true they are doing this, or a lie because he thinks it's easier breaking up with you, both are clear messages he doesn't value you enough to continue building a life with you.

 

What are you? 30? So you're going to forego dating for years hoping the mama's boy will change into Prince Charming? Never rely on major changes from anybody because it rarely happens. What you see is what you get.

 

A guy who is free and willing to be a longterm partner to you will walk on by when he sees you're in contact with an ex. Investing more time in limbo, staying in contact with him will keep you falling more in love with a man who one day will be filling you in that he's met a woman who his family approves of. And you will have wasted precious time in nowhere land with him.

 

Love yourself enough to only keep people in your life who value you. It's not him.

Edited by Andrina
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Usually, when people use the Family Card, they’re just using family as the scapegoat to get out of a relationship instead of telling you the real reason. I feel there’s more to this story than just his family’s disapproval based on the information given.

 

Either way, you are better off without him. You don’t want to marry a man who doesn’t have a backbone to future in-laws.

 

EDIT: Ok 7 month relationship? Yep, this one’s a doozy.

 

 

I'm sorry he did this to you. Its obvious you love him, as you're understanding and even defending his actions.

 

The thing is, he is choosing his family over you. right or wrong. And further harming you, by stringing you along, as a result. You said, you're very compatible. But are you? Not in this case. And this is the biggest of cases- Agreeing to being in a relationship.

 

This guy is weak in a fundamental way. Not much else matters. I've tried the friend zone and have seen others to know, this does not work out. Something in the dynamic changes the respect and desire elements needed in a romance.

 

The other messed up part is, friends does not remove the pain, it only prolongs it. The best thing you can do is tell him, you understand his position and if he changes his mind to contact you, but you need to take care of yourself and your future... Whatever and who ever that means. He is wasting your time. Yes. Someone that breaks up with you is wasting your time.

 

I understand why you would think that way based on the limited information in the story, but he's definitely not using the family as an excuse. They're an unstable bunch. And when we talked about it, and contemplated possible solutions, there was real fear and sadness over the fact that he might lose me. Unfortunately, the fear of losing his family was also there, and he had no idea what to do. He actually didn't initiate the breakup, we came to the mutual conclusion that we stay friends and try to wait till the family comes to their senses.

 

But I do agree on one point though, this whole situation kinda did show he's not emotionally strong enough, and perhaps continuing the relationship would have put further strain on his emotional health.

 

I knew when we agreed to staying friends and waiting it out that it was going to be difficult. And it has been, belieeeve me, even though it's only been a few days. But we both don't wanna lose each other from our lives. I know it doesn't sound like the smartest thing to do, but above all else, romance aside, we had a deep friendship and it's not something we can easily give up on.

 

Is his family supporting him financially since he isn't working?

 

They're not, and they never have. But it's the only family he knows, and he doesn't have the strength to give them up.

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So he depends on them financially for now? His story about the family seems more like a way to disengage, and cowardly end the relationship. How do you know "the family exploded"? He told you this?

 

Sorry to say but after 7 mos dating, he simply does not want a relationship at this time. It makes zero sense that they never met you or spent time with you and they are deciding that you, in particular, are not allowed to date him.

he lost his job during the pandemic so technically he's not working. met the mum in passing.

 

the family exploded.

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Wait I think you (and some others) are getting the story wrong. It's not that they are not allowing him to date me in particular. They don't think he should be dating at the moment, period. They don't think he's ready to be in any relationship and don't want him getting serious with anyone.

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Ok, either way, he's ending it. They may have a point if he lost his job. All you can do is accept it and move on. You could stay friends, but when he is ready he most likely will date someone else.

They don't think he should be dating at the moment, period. They don't think he's ready to be in any relationship and don't want him getting serious with anyone.
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Any chance they know something about him that you don't?

 

I am not saying they're not unstable themselves, but this family effort to keep him from dating anyone at his age is very odd. I have to wonder if there is more to this story than he's telling you, something that makes them way overly-protective of him.

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I actually think it's because to them, this relationship appeared out of the blue. They feel that he jumped into this prematurely, because they had no idea it was months in the making even before we got together. I heard him try reasoning to them and telling them, but they weren't listening. All they cared about was that he had been cheated on before and therefore, he is now a poor judge of character and shouldn't be jumping into a serious relationship. Then came the ultimatum.

 

It is definitely odd behaviour, even to him, and he couldn't really understand why any of it even happened.

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It is definitely odd behaviour, even to him, and he couldn't really understand why any of it even happened.

 

That's precisely why I wonder how much of the story you're not aware of.

 

If it's truly out of the blue for him, there is something he is missing too, or neglecting to tell you.

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.

 

I knew when we agreed to staying friends and waiting it out that it was going to be difficult. And it has been, belieeeve me, even though it's only been a few days. But we both don't wanna lose each other from our lives. I know it doesn't sound like the smartest thing to do, but above all else, romance aside, we had a deep friendship and it's not something we can easily give up on.

 

 

 

 

 

I can see this... But the healthier choice is to say, I need time to let of the romantic feelings I have and so do you.

 

If you are truly great friends, you will reconnect when the rose colored glasses fade away and you're seeing things more clearly.

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This whole thing is really weird, and I'm feeling like there is way more to the story. You keep saying he is not mentally strong enough to confront them and fight them off. What does that mean exactly? If the love is really true, I feel like atleast one of you would be proactive to try and preserve it. Whether it's you personally meeting with the family to fight for your relationship, or him being able to tell them that he loves you and wants to be with you no matter what. I wonder how much both of you even want this relationship? Try to get your relationship back, or walk away. Do NOT keep him in your life and get yourself trapped waiting for something that may never happen.

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If it's truly out of the blue for him, there is something he is missing too, or neglecting to tell you.

 

I actually heard the whole thing on the phone, so it's not that he's neglecting to tell me anything. It's just really strange and even he can't figure out why the sudden strong reaction when they never used to bother about each others' lives in the past.

 

Something just clicked in my head though. If he isn't emotionally or mentally strong enough to challenge a family that is being controlling or toxic, maybe we are better off being just friends. If not this, there could be issues further into the relationship or them trying to control other aspects of us down the line, and if he's weak, we wouldn't have been able to overcome those anyway. And it would cut a deeper hole in my heart if we were say, 2 years into the relationship and something happened.

 

I can see this... But the healthier choice is to say, I need time to let of the romantic feelings I have and so do you.

 

If you are truly great friends, you will reconnect when the rose colored glasses fade away and you're seeing things more clearly.

 

I definitely see where you're coming from, and I do see the point. The difficulty here is that we belong to a few hobby groups together that have ongoing activities. It will be supremely awkward for everyone else if we were both not even friends.

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I wonder if he hasn't told you everything. It's quiet possible he had a mental breakdown, was suicidal, ending up in the psych ward and his family almost lost him....making them extremely paranoid. That would explain as to why his family is freaking out and being overly protective. No one ever wants to admit they flew over the cuckoos nest.

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"We align in almost every single way, and in just the first few months, we had reached the sort of levels people usually reach after a year or 2."

 

^This really stood out to me and kind of goes in line with his family being correct - he jumps into relationships hot and fast and in a way that is not healthy and no, he hasn't learned or changed his ways. I also suspect, same as everyone else, that there is something major you don't know about his past history. Also, if his family is unstable, you can bet your life that he is too.

 

I'm sorry OP, I think everyone can understand that intoxicating feeling when you click with someone, but to really know someone, takes years not months no matter how much you feel instantly connected and that all is rosy. They are called pink goggles for a reason and eventually they do have to come off. You didn't date long enough for that to happen....or rather.....it's happening right now in a very abrupt and strange kind of way. Personally, I wouldn't like a guy who is so impulsive and easily influenced by others. Not good partner material no matter how much you have in common with him otherwise.

 

As for staying friends - don't. I know you are in the same hobby groups, but you can be civil without fostering friendship with him. Given his impulsiveness, imagine how you'll feel when he moves on to date someone else and gushes to you about that or asks for advice on how to keep his fam out of it....because that's the sort of stuff you chat out with friends..... You need to disengage from him until you reach a point where you no longer care.

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