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This girl - advice needed


adrian83
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So i've recently met a girl who i currently have strong feelings for. Lets call her N. She's my sister's classmate at university and i've seen her around for a little over a year but hardly ever talked etc as i had a gf then.. but since then ive become single. So anyway.. this all began about a month ago. My sister invited her to my bday party. I added her on FB and we began to hit it off. She would drive everyday to our office (where i work) every single day for 2 weeks even though she hated driving and just hung out with my sister studying or whatnot in my sisters room while i work. Messaging pretty much 24 hrs a day on FB - instant responses from her. Then day 2 of chatting, my sister told me she had a online bf (overseas) but told me that N likes me. I called her out on this and told her that i dont date girls with boyfriends and ended our conversation. She was upset and a day later, she messaged me to tell me that she had broken things off with him as it wasnt going to work out anyway due to distance. So then came out first date, dinner & movie. After the movie i asked if she wanted to go home, she declined so i took that as a sign. We went for a night walk up a mountain, i grabbed her hands and she held her arms around me. I then kissed her and she kissed me back. However she told me she wanted to takes thing slow.. real slow. We ended up going for more dates after, kissing everytime she came around and eventually met and had dinner with her grandma etc. No sex was involved although i did try to push it a little. Maybe this was my mistake. She has always asked for me to move slow and i was more than willing to but when she says things like "if you do meet someone else who has something i dont, then go for it". I asked her "so you want this to be a casual thing? and i could go out and bang another chick while still doing this with you?". She said no, if she knew, she would end this. This made me even more confused.

 

About two weeks ago, she said " i think we should end this, everything is messed up, im sorry, you deserve someone who knows what they want. We can still talk whenever though". I told her i respected her decision and accepted it but wondered why this is. She said because we dont see things eye to eye (pace of the relationship) and therefore not suited for one another even though she previously acknowledged that we got along great and she likes spending time with me. I sent her a fb message maybe about 5 days of NC to tell her how i felt, that i was gutted how i may have ruin things by moving things to fast and also apologising that i may have made her felt uncomfortable at times. I said this because i found out previously, that she was complaining to my sister that i had "force" myself onto her in which i called her out on it and asked her if kissing her really made her feel uncomfortable. She said it didnt make her uncomfortable but "there was too much of it". She told me previously that it took her 6 months to kiss her last boyfriend (not the online bf cos shes never met him). After i've sent the final message last tuesday, she hasnt talked to me at all maybe due to exams and has not visited our office since. I do really miss hanging out with her but i know it might be all over for her. Im just really shocked from how she went from being into me (like a crush) to like nothing in such a short time.

 

i know two weeks is short and i will continue to do NC but i know it will be inevitable we will see each other quite soon. Any advice would be appreciated.

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I think you and she are not compatible.

 

She probably "dates" guys online who live really far away for exactly this reason: she's very uncomfortable with in-person dating.

 

Whatever her reasoning, it's best to let this be. She isn't the right match for you.

 

 

Well.. i somewhat agree but then againnoone is ever compatible fully to be honest. I've been in a few relationships and each has its own different compatibility. It's whether you want to work through them or not at the end of the day i guess.

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She was not ready to date. You were just filler while she figured out the LDR. She's giving you the "it's me, not you", excuse to get out of this.

 

You were on the rebound and pressuring her for sex. That's why she more or less politely told you to get lost.

 

Don't go after your sisters friends. It's a mess. Get on dating apps and start fresh.

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She told me previously that it took her 6 months to kiss her last boyfriend.

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

For whatever reasons, this girl seems to feel uncomfortable when it comes to physical intimacy. This is something that she has to work through on her own. You are not her therapist. You are a young person. Don't waste your youth on girls that are incompatible with you when it comes to intimacy. She has all the right to determine the intimacy pace that she is comfortable with. However, accusing you of "forcing" her was imo wrong. She is an outlier when it comes to intimacy, which is perfectly acceptable. However, imo chasing after people who are outliers is not worth it if by that you end up suppressing your own needs and missing out on beautiful experiences. I have a friend who spent 7 years of his youth (age 19-26) in a relationship that was never consummated because his then girlfriend never felt ready. He chose to suppress his intimacy needs for 7 years - years that he could have spent in a much more compatible relationship with someone who would be on the same intimacy pace as him. These are years of his life that he is never getting back but, as always, hindsight is 20/20. Imo, wasting your youth on incompatible situations is not worth it. Extreme outliers such as waiting 6 months just for a kiss are not worth the wait unless you are both on the same page and are not suppressing your own needs.

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if you do meet someone else who has something i dont, then go for it. im sorry, you deserve someone who knows what they want."

 

As soon as a woman is trying to pawn you off to someone else, that's your clear cue she's just not that into you. It doesn't matter why.

 

You've had relationships other than this, before. You will have more when you're ready to date again. Your "gutted" feeling will clear up with time and distance from her. Go no contact to speed the process.

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Well.. i somewhat agree but then againnoone is ever compatible fully to be honest. I've been in a few relationships and each has its own different compatibility. It's whether you want to work through them or not at the end of the day i guess.

 

There is a difference between not being fully compatible and not being on the same page at all, OP.

 

This one is a non-starter. She's not interested in you that way.

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You have better things to do than wait for something to happen with this one.... a relationship should never be like walking through a mind field...should be smooth, trouble free, exciting a natural fit. You said you had relationships that had little compatibility...well here you are, single still looking....what does that tell you? Stop going after people that are not compatible.

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For whatever reasons, this girl seems to feel uncomfortable when it comes to physical intimacy. This is something that she has to work through on her own. You are not her therapist. You are a young person. Don't waste your youth on girls that are incompatible with you when it comes to intimacy. She has all the right to determine the intimacy pace that she is comfortable with. However, accusing you of "forcing" her was imo wrong. She is an outlier when it comes to intimacy, which is perfectly acceptable. However, imo chasing after people who are outliers is not worth it if by that you end up suppressing your own needs and missing out on beautiful experiences. I have a friend who spent 7 years of his youth (age 19-26) in a relationship that was never consummated because his then girlfriend never felt ready. He chose to suppress his intimacy needs for 7 years - years that he could have spent in a much more compatible relationship with someone who would be on the same intimacy pace as him. These are years of his life that he is never getting back but, as always, hindsight is 20/20. Imo, wasting your youth on incompatible situations is not worth it. Extreme outliers such as waiting 6 months just for a kiss are not worth the wait unless you are both on the same page and are not suppressing your own needs.

 

Good point.. but i aint waiting 7 years without intimacy. I mean i could be patient but prob no longer than 6 months after being exclusive.

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if you do meet someone else who has something i dont, then go for it. im sorry, you deserve someone who knows what they want."

 

As soon as a woman is trying to pawn you off to someone else, that's your clear cue she's just not that into you. It doesn't matter why.

 

You've had relationships other than this, before. You will have more when you're ready to date again. Your "gutted" feeling will clear up with time and distance from her. Go no contact to speed the process.

 

Well what i find strange was that she would drive everyday to see me. When i set up dates, movies etc, she would always turn up. Even buys me dinner sometimes, offers to pay for gas etc.. Even my sister told me that she was upset about us not talking and told me she was interested in me. So im not sure how it would go from like super interested to nothing at all.

 

I do agree i will have more once im ready to date again, but this really got me into a rutt.

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You have better things to do than wait for something to happen with this one.... a relationship should never be like walking through a mind field...should be smooth, trouble free, exciting a natural fit. You said you had relationships that had little compatibility...well here you are, single still looking....what does that tell you? Stop going after people that are not compatible.

 

I do agree with you in saying that a relationship should be "going with the flow" and that was what i was aiming for. I never said my relationships had little compatibility but there will always be some incompatibities with your partner as i dont believe every couple are compatible in every single way. The reason why im still looking is because my last ex and I had major personality differences and i chose to put up with her for a while which was a choice. Point is, how do you know if someone is compatible when you first get to know them? Just because someone doesn't like chocolate flavoured icecream or doesn't like exercise like you do doesnt make you both incompatible. On a side note, our personalities are actually compatible. It was just the part about moving slow in the situationship that bothered her i guess.

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Red Flag #1

 

i found out previously, that she was complaining to my sister that i had "force" myself onto her in which i called her out on She was too immature to address this with you, and unloaded on your sister instead.

 

Red Flag #2

 

She told me previously that it took her 6 months to kiss her last boyfriend Sounds more like junior high mentality. Unnatural for someone I'm assuming is in her early twenties, so why would you expect your experience with her to be normal?

 

Sounds like you need to learn to recognize red flags a little better. Just be grateful you didn't waste much time on her.

 

Im just really shocked from how she went from being into me (like a crush) to like nothing in such a short time. Unfortunately, not so uncommon, and especially in university years, where you're surrounded by hundreds of single people your age, and one might not takes things so seriously, or jump out of brief crushes for the shallowest of reasons. I remember in community college, I made it clear I was interested in a guy in my P.E. soccer class, where I saw him in the sunshine wearing shorts. When he asked me to do something outside of class, I found that his skin looked pasty indoors and his pants looked dorky the way he cinched them so tight or something. As an adult, I wouldn't have cut someone like him off so quickly, but my brain hadn't fully formed yet.

 

Compatibility is about major things matching like your moral compass, your dating style, and life goals if it becomes serious. Her dating style didn't match yours, and she made the decision for you. Fate has someone better in store for you.

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Unfortunately everything you describe indicates the friend zone from the start.

When you tried to go past that, she backed out.

 

Don't let your sister meddle in your dating/sex life. Find your own dates.

she would drive everyday to see me. Even buys me dinner sometimes, offers to pay for gas etc.. Even my sister told me that she was upset about us not talking and told me she was interested in me.
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Unfortunately everything you describe indicates the friend zone from the start.

When you tried to go past that, she backed out.

 

Don't let your sister meddle in your dating/sex life. Find your own dates.

 

friendzone? i dont think a friend would drive a good 30-40 mins everyday jz to see you.. she has said she misses me and acknowledges we are more than just friends but not in an exclusive relationship.

 

But ur right, i tried to push for more and she backed out.

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Well what i find strange was that she would drive everyday to see me. When i set up dates, movies etc, she would always turn up. Even buys me dinner sometimes, offers to pay for gas etc.. Even my sister told me that she was upset about us not talking and told me she was interested in me. So im not sure how it would go from like super interested to nothing at all.

 

It's often the presence of another guy.

 

I would bet any money she's reconnected with the online "boyfriend" or someone else altogether.

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It's often the presence of another guy.

 

I would bet any money she's reconnected with the online "boyfriend" or someone else altogether.

 

yup.. i have this feeling as well because i heard she was still talking to this online bf. oh wells. Tough. Time to move on.

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yup.. i have this feeling as well because i heard she was still talking to this online bf. oh wells. Tough. Time to move on.

 

Then there's your answer. And yes, time to move on.

 

Honestly, it's something of a red flag that she's even in a cyber relationship to begin with. Mature, well-adjusted adults don't generally opt for those.

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