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Can anti-porn woman find love?


Cella70
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Hi

I never liked the men in my life to look at porn once we were together and after having been married to a secret porn addict (he was looking at it whenever he could I think), I just don't know if I can agree to go out with someone again. Yes, the sexless or very depressing sex life which exists with a porn addict has scarred me, but my feelings about porn have existed since I was very young. I grew up on an army base and the way that porn and strip clubs reduce sex to a transaction disturbs me. I don't care what a guy did before we got together unless he was unfaithful to someone. I like sex and want to meet someone but I don't want to be lied to again. Is it realistic to think I will meet someone who will respect this boundary?

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Yes, it's realistic.

I'm sorry you had a bad experience, but not every man engages in porn to the point it interferes w their relationship.

Healthy minded people are capable of making choices.

Doing things like this in excess is more of an addiction.

You are not asking for too much and it seems your experience has caused you to be mistrusting and suspicious. Understandable

But is this an indication for you to do some more healing first before you start dating with the belief that all you'll find is more of the same?

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Hi

I never liked the men in my life to look at porn once we were together and after having been married to a secret porn addict (he was looking at it whenever he could I think), I just don't know if I can agree to go out with someone again. Yes, the sexless or very depressing sex life which exists with a porn addict has scarred me, but my feelings about porn have existed since I was very young. I grew up on an army base and the way that porn and strip clubs reduce sex to a transaction disturbs me. I don't care what a guy did before we got together unless he was unfaithful to someone. I like sex and want to meet someone but I don't want to be lied to again. Is it realistic to think I will meet someone who will respect this boundary?

 

The simple answer to your big question is yes, absolutely.

 

However, what's in bold is the glaring flaw in your reasoning and what will get you with wrong men. Who a man is matters from the get go. Character doesn't change, so you should 100% care about who a man is not only as you meet him but who he has always been. People don't suddenly change just because you are now in a relationship. So rather than you saying that you don't care, do actually care and look for a man who shares your values and boundaries naturally. So keep your eyes open and pay attention and look at what is rather than hope that he'll be who you want him to be. Easier to get rid of a wrong man when it's early going and you are not that attached.

 

Contrary to popular belief, no not all men are all crazy into porn. However if you are surrounded by people who are, maybe it's time to start seeking out different kind of company in general. If you are looking to catch a trout and all you are getting are minnows, you'll need to start fishing in different waters.

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10 or 15 years ago I wouldn't have assumed that I would get more of the same but porn is so pervasive now that if a man is interested in sex it sees to be almost a given that will be a habit.

 

When I say that I don't care what they do before I meet them, I mean that I don't care if they use porn as long as it's something they will happily stop in a relationship. Porn itself bothers me after what I saw growing up on an Army base but we do live in the modern world.

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10 or 15 years ago I wouldn't have assumed that I would get more of the same but porn is so pervasive now that if a man is interested in sex it sees to be almost a given that will be a habit.

 

.....I mean if you really believe that, then no you will never find a different kind of a guy because a different guy won't choose you and your bitter attitude. This is one of those self fulfilling, self affirming things. You'll just keep ending up with men who affirm your belief.

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I’m sorry you’ve had such a bad experience. I’m not a man, and of course I can’t say this with any certainty, but I have a feeling it’s going to be a bit hard to find anyone who doesn’t engage in occasional self pleasure. Masturbation can be a stress relief and nobody is always in the mood to engage in full on sexual intercourse. Do you feel this way about masturbation in general or only with the aid of porn? Meaning, would you be ok with your partner just imagining stuff once in a while?

I’d suggest talking about your unease, but foster a relationship where honesty isn’t punished. Meaning, if you police someone’s every action and come across as accusatory, you’ll find that people get just really good at hiding to avoid confrontation. I’m not saying you do this btw.

If sex suffers due to porn use it must be crushing to your self esteem and I hope you’re able to talk about it to someone. However occasional porn use really doesn’t need to be competing with your own value and desirability.

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It depends on how against it you are. If you're so strict that it's an aversion or an allergic reaction or you fly off the handle or can't cope that your partner enjoys some of it, yes, you are narrowing your choices. I'm not going to paint a rosy picture for you. It doesn't mean you have to be unhappy. 50% of the problem is you and you bringing your past issues into future relationships whether it's suspicion of your partner, past resentments or other unresolved emotional issues. Might be worth exploring with someone or on your own... just how big of an issue is this for you?

 

Yes, there are men who won't make it the center of their world or treat it as an obsession but neither should you (being against it). Look at the whole picture of a person. I like what reinvent mentioned citing 'addiction'. You can spot people with addictive or compulsive personalities.

 

Don't date until you are certain you have more confidence when it comes to finding people more likeminded. Don't settle. Have more faith in yourself.

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It could be a dealbreaker for you and that is perfectly fine. As long as you understand where any possible fears and resentments are coming from and you're working on it personally, I don't see why this should stop you from finding someone similar to yourself.

 

People have far quirkier requests and dealbreakers out there. You should never feel ashamed for what you feel is best for yourself and pick partners who respect you and vice versa.

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1 porn is so pervasive now that if a man is interested in sex it sees to be almost a given that will be a habit.

 

Porn itself bothers me after what I saw growing up on an Army base but we do live in the modern world.

 

I've dated men who have watched porn, but never once that felt he had to HAD have it in his life.

 

You mention what you've experienced growing up. Could this have more to do with your experiences and the possibility the porn abuse isn't as pervasive as you believe?

 

This might have more to do with you being more discerning about your choices in men. You're making a generalization.

 

Just something to consider.

 

It would be the same as having the misfortune of dating mostly alcoholics and then being fearful that all men drank too much.

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From a man's perspective, if a guy loves you he will not want to hurt you. If you make clear that porn is not acceptable, he will respect that. There are guys out there who are not porn addicts. And there are guys out there who probably don't like porn to begin with. I, for one, would rather just hold the one I'm with and love then watch strangers having sex. So yes, you can find someone.

 

Porn is not solely about sex. It's just as much about the fantasy element, a distraction from everyday struggles. The problem comes when a person takes it to far, when it starts to become a need that they can't control. But not every guy is like that. Most can control themselves. And you have every right to not be okay with it.

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Definitely, but I imagine screening for porn use would lead to some awkward first date conversations. While I agree that most men would prefer intimate connection and sex with their partner to pornography, there are many that “use” pornography for other reasons (i.e. it doesn't always act as a replacement for sex). As you also note, in modern times pornography is widely accessible and used by many people. Ultimately, if it is a deal breaker, I would just be upfront and honest with your views and expectations. To increase your chances, I would look to date men who belong to either anti-pornography social movements or religious denominations which view pornography as immoral. Of course no guarantees, as it is commonly hidden use, but probably better chancea.

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10 or 15 years ago I wouldn't have assumed that I would get more of the same but porn is so pervasive now that if a man is interested in sex it sees to be almost a given that will be a habit.

 

To be sure I understand, are you saying that if a man is interested in sex, he probably has a porn habit?

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You are carrying a lot of baggage from your youth which you seem to freely admit.

 

It would seem any guy you got involved in would pay the price for that baggage. Am I correct?

 

No guy is going to admit he is addicted to porn on the second date or ever so how will you know?

 

I can tell you that you cannot tell by just looking at them or by the occupation. I used to work with a youth pastor that was addicted to porn. He was happily married, godly and a good guy and no one ever would have guessed. He realized he had a problem(s) and worked to correct them.

 

My answer to your question is No you cannot find love IF you set the bar so high no man could ever reach it.

 

Can you list your dealbreakers for dating?

 

If your heart is open and you will not hold someone's past against them I would say of course you can discover the love of your life.

 

Lost

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YES you can. you are NOT setting the bar too high.

 

My guy doesn't watch porn and declines invites to strip clubs.

He has a lot of hobbies and is busy. He doesn't have a tablet or laptop.

 

more and more is coming about re: the link between human traffiking and porn, so there are people who are waking up and not partaking for that reason.

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If I was in a good relationship, I might not be so upset about occasional porn use if I felt desired and valued. However, my problem with porn generally is based on the the behavior saw in my youth and having been objectified so much.

 

This caught my eye. It seems that the problem is not so much porn itself (it doesn't seem you have a real moral objection to occasional/reasonable use) but you have a history of dealing with men using it compulsively and THAT'S the problem. Not the porn itself, but the excessive use of it.

 

Unless you are religious and/or open to dating more religious men who are likely to take a hard anti-porn stance, I would not necessarily go the route of trying to aggressively screen out men who use any porn at all. I would focus on two things 1) working on your past trauma and getting to the point where it's not coloring your vision of men now and 2) finding quality, good men who are TRULY into you. Men wanting real relationships and wanting a real connection with you.

 

The focus should not be on porn vs. no porn. The focus should be finding good men and removing your mental blocks that stop you from connecting with these men. Once you are in a good relationship with someone who is good for you, then it's not going to matter whether he forgoes porn completely or uses it occasionally in a way that does not inhibit your sexual relations.

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Definitely, but I imagine screening for porn use would lead to some awkward first date conversations. While I agree that most men would prefer intimate connection and sex with their partner to pornography, there are many that “use” pornography for other reasons (i.e. it doesn't always act as a replacement for sex). As you also note, in modern times pornography is widely accessible and used by many people. Ultimately, if it is a deal breaker, I would just be upfront and honest with your views and expectations. To increase your chances, I would look to date men who belong to either anti-pornography social movements or religious denominations which view pornography as immoral. Of course no guarantees, as it is commonly hidden use, but probably better chancea.

 

 

I would have no problem talking to a guy about that. If you are serious about finding the right one, you want to next someone who is not right quickly. It won't be on the first date, but in talking about what you are looking for on a subsequent date . you can talk about it in the course of talking about your dating style or the type of man you want to date -

 

just for the record, a lot of people want to stop so much porn from being on the internet because of the links to human trafficking. If he's a dad, i am sure you can easily find a man in that camp

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You will not learn about the person's character by just talking about it. In fact, dictating your stance on things to your date early on can easily backfire. If you come across a creep, you are giving him a roadmap on what to say and pretend in order to manipulate you. Better to sit back and observe and actually take the time to date and get to know the person and who they really are. Liars are liars - they don't just lie about porn. If you pay attention, you'll see lots of red flags come out even without the porn topic. When you see red flags, walk away.

 

Focus on overall character and values of the person and if they don't match up with what you want, walk away. Pay attention to actions, not words. Pay attention to what kind of company he keeps. A man's friends tell you a lot about who he is himself.

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I never dated anyone who HAD TO HAVE porn. But then again I probably flushed them out, because I don't tolerate guys who talk with a lot of sexual overtones, etc. I think it's about being a good judge of character/able to read someone. Women can usually pick up on these things if you pay attention more.

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Well I think having the same values and attitudes in relationships is definitely very important, so if you want a guy who doesn't watch porn, then you specifically need to look for a guy who is already like that. You can't change people and nor should they be expected to change for you. So my advice would be not to ever expect that a guy who watches porn will just give it up for you. I've been on these forums a long time and I've seen many posts where someone tried to force someone to give up porn, and it just doesn't work. The person pretended to give it up because of pressure, but ultimately still wanted to watch porn. Some did it in secret behind their partner's back.

 

Having said that, I've dated a lot of guys and in my experience most men don't have a problem with porn. Some men I dated weren't super into it, but most liked it, but in a normal way. They weren't addicted to it and didn't need to watch it a lot. I'd say that most men are like that, and a small portion of men are addicted to porn, and small portion are not into porn at all.

 

I think you need to try to look for men who don't particularly care about porn, but don't try to push your own values and beliefs on men who don't share them. I'm actually a woman and I do like to watch porn, and have no problem if my partner wants to watch it. Sexual intimacy with my partner is more important to me than porn. But at the same time I don't want my partner controlling me and flat out telling me I'm not allowed to watch porn. I don't want to force myself to change and be someone I'm not because I should be allowed to be the real me in my relationship. I hope that makes sense.

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Absolutely DF. Well said.

 

" Liars are liars - they don't just lie about porn. If you pay attention, you'll see lots of red flags come out even without the porn topic. When you see red flags, walk away.

 

Focus on overall character and values of the person and if they don't match up with what you want, walk away. Pay attention to actions, not words. Pay attention to what kind of company he keeps. A man's friends tell you a lot about who he is himself."

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