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Can I / Should I stay friends with her?


xxjustinukxx

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Hello everyone, I hope you're all well.

 

Last year, almost a year ago, I met a wonderful woman online and we clicked immediately. According to the app she wasn't far away and so we hot together for a date. It was amazing. Right off the bat she told me that she was from Canada and was only here for a short time visiting.

 

After she went home to Canada we continued to message, call, video call and things intensified over the weeks and months. I got to know her family little gradually and we started planning our next meeting. She even invited me to her sons wedding.

 

Then covid hit. So seeing each other was impossible but we decidedto wait knowing we'd meet eventually. We'dvideo chat every night, send gifts to each other and do everything we could to keep things close between us. Then she got a promotion at work. And as the weeks and months rolled on, and we still couldn't meet, eventually she admitted she didn't see a future for us and I got the "let's just be friends" speech.

 

So over the last few months I've tried to move on, date other people etc, but I'll see a photo of her or something again and it breaks my heart. I've tried so hard to squash my romantic feelings for her, but I just can't. But at the same time I love having her in my life and we support each other a lot with things we've been through lately.

 

But it's hurting that I can't seem to let my love for her go. Even to the point where I see her flirting with other guys etc in mutual group chats and even in my dreams now I see her with someone else and it hurts.

 

So I'm torn. I genuinely value her friendship but I can't go on feeling heartbroken like this. Should I cut her loose completely?

 

Any advice would be massively appreciated!

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Yes you need to cut her loose completely.

 

There is zero chance you two will live in the same place and your heart has already fallen for her so how can you just be friends?

 

Basically you are torturing yourself by hanging on and it isn't fair to anyone you date if you are still harboring feelings for her.

 

It might hurt but it is for the best for both of you.

 

Be kind and let her know you can no longer just be friends as it is to hard for you. Don't just disappear on her, that way you can say a proper good bye.

 

Lost

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As long as you keep looking at what she's doing on social media, you are prolonging the grief period.

 

The 'let's just be friends' line is a load of bovine manure. You can't be friends as long as you still have feelings for her. Yes, cut her loose completely. Your healing will come much sooner and you can get on with your life.

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Thank you so much. This is exactly what I was hoping for.

How would you suggest I say the goodbye? Voice note? Text? Phone call?

 

How are you keeping in touch normally and who is reaching out to maintain that - you or her? If you, then you can just go ahead and fade out. If she reaches out asking where you've been, you can just tell her that you've needed to disconnect so that you can get over your feelings and move on. There is no need for dramatic good byes as that's already been done - she ended things and you two are no longer a thing. This is now just more you acting on that. She already has if she is flirting away with others.

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In that case, just let her know that you really can't continue this friendship thing for the moment and need to disconnect so you can heal and move on. Sometimes keeping it simple and direct is best and most clear way to go about it and least awkward. Do it at your next chat, by whatever means you chat normally.

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She's already told you it's over. How much colder can it get? Send the text or give her a call. It's up to you. It does have to end and no more chit chats for "support". She's using you to flatter and fan her ego while she flirts with other men infront of you. You don't need this in the least.

 

Continue on the healing path and start putting yourself first.

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Is she married? Why be on a geo-dating app, while just visiting? You never saw her at her home, right? Because this that and the other always came up?

According to the app she wasn't far away and so we hot together for a date. It was amazing. Right off the bat she told me that she was from Canada and was only here for a short time visiting.
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Talking on the phone is best. No misunderstandings and you both can express how you feel and wish each other the best when you say your final goodbye.

 

It would be best in the long run to do this sooner than later even though she has been leaning on you for emotional support recently. She will be okay without your shoulder.

 

Send her a text asking when would be a good time to talk on the phone and then make the call.

 

Then stick to it! You will need to go total NC from then on so you can focus on getting over her and getting on with your life.

 

Lost

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Well the only way I can see out of this situation is if you moved to Canada? Obviously she didn't want to stay in your country and she also has a son who is getting married. After he gets married, he may have kids? So when she has grandchildren, she's not going to leave her family behind just like that. Are you prepared to move to Canada? If not then I'd say it's never going to work regardless. I find it easier to find closure though if I just express my feelings and ask for very direct answers from the other person. Maybe just say to her that your feelings are very strong and you don't want to be friends, you want more. Ask her is there any chance for you? If not then just delete her on everything and move on. What's the point to be friends. I don't think there's anything in it for you except heartbreak.

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If she’s already told you it’s over, she’s thought about her decision well before actually saying something like that to you.

 

I understand wanting “closure” or saying goodbye, but I really don’t think it’s necessary. If I had to say anything, I’d text and say that I understand and appreciate her telling me. That I can’t be only friends with her because of how I felt about her. Thank her and wish her well, then disappear. Sounds cold, but it is what it is and she broke your heart after all.

 

What would you want in a goodbye? Phone call that makes you both feel bad? Spill your guts and get the exact same answer? I’m sorry man but you have to let her go as hard or impossible as it may seem now. Sooner the better, for your own good.

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As long as you keep looking at what she's doing on social media, you are prolonging the grief period.

 

The 'let's just be friends' line is a load of bovine manure. You can't be friends as long as you still have feelings for her. Yes, cut her loose completely. Your healing will come much sooner and you can get on with your life.

 

Loling at “Bovine manure.” [emoji23]

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I have to agree with the above. I guess the question is, how long do you want to long for her? As someone who completely understands your pain (lover left for her ex, yada yada...) I am not even entertaining talking to her right now. I am excellent at no contact and as painful as what happened is, and I know you probably feel like all of your dreams were dashed, if you stay friends, you will just keep yourself stuck and feeling terrible. Go no contact. If, when you no longer have feelings for her, you want to reconnect and you feel that it’s safe, knock yourself out. Take care of yourself first though and heal from this... you sound really kind-hearted. I really do feel your pain. I met someone during the pandemic, we got to know each other via technology, it was beautiful and wonderful and now she is gone. I get it. Take time away from her now so you can move on. Don’t torture yourself over her by staying in contact.

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justinuk, Please keep in mind that even if you don't see her and remove all traces of her from your life, that still doesn't mean things will be better. You will still miss her and think about her. You will wonder what she is doing and who she is with. You might have more dreams. Realize that no contact has it's downside as well and that it's not always the fix that it's made out to be. It actually didn't work for me and made me feel worse about my situation. At best time will bury those feelings as you get involved with other things. But there's no telling how long that time will take. I'm not saying you shouldn't do it, you need to do what is right for you. I even think it's what you wanted to do, you just wanted someone to reassure you of the course. But realize that regardless of which path you choose, this is the beginning of a difficult journey. You'll have good days and bad days. Don't be afraid to feel every emotion and take all the time you need.

 

I also think it's very noble of you to want to be friends. Yes, people can "just be friends" after a breakup. It may not be right now, but I wouldn't give up on the thought of a friendship with her. You seem like a decent, caring person and she seems like she does care about you. Hopefully, in time, you can have that friendship.

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