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Was dating the most wonderful woman and then...


Nebraskagirl14
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I think she and I were on the same page until this person came back crying with flowers, professing love and making promises of it being different this time. The thing I can’t understand is, why was it that easy to derail something that had been so amazing? I guess those questions are moot at this point.

 

It was easy because despite all that she said to you, she wasn't actually being honest with your or with herself and there were still very much unresolved feelings and attachments between them. I'm not saying that she is a bad person or that she is doing anything on purpose, only that when push came to shove, truth came out and the truth is very simple - she is not over her ex by far. They have history and attachments that you and her simply do not have at this point, so it was not a difficult decision for her.

 

The other red flag, now that I think about it, is beware of those who badmouth their ex, be it in a mean way or in the "methinks though doth protest too much" kind of way. Sounds like your situation was more of the latter. More her trying to convince that it was all bad and it's all over.....but clearly not. Her actions speak very loudly here on that subject. Just look around these boards - when people are truly done, no amount of crying, begging, gifts, pleading, etc, etc, etc will cause the ex to reconcile. That only happens because they want to.

 

I'm really sorry and it really sucks to get caught up in something like that. Big internets hugs to you.

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Because people move towards pleasure and away from pain. Perhaps it gives her more pleasure/excitement to be in a drama-filled situation -it's easier because she can just ride on the highs knowing she doesn't really have to commit to someone who is unavailable. She felt amazing about you but felt more amazed by her ex pursuing her. You may have been on the same page but if someone can swoop in like that and turn her head then she wasn't committed to staying the course with you and seeing what more developed. People face temptation in many forms and many of those people are married or committed. When they choose to stay married or committed they choose not to react to temptation if indeed they are tempted. I'm sorry things didn't work out!!

 

Thanks, Batya-

 

Yes, I’m sure that relationship feels safer for many reasons... she and I were really new. It was just an intense and highly connected new... we both thought we could be the one for each other and honestly, she was the first person I had met that I have felt was so so right for me and I for her. That is why this hurts so much.

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It was easy because despite all that she said to you, she wasn't actually being honest with your or with herself and there were still very much unresolved feelings and attachments between them. I'm not saying that she is a bad person or that she is doing anything on purpose, only that when push came to shove, truth came out and the truth is very simple - she is not over her ex by far. They have history and attachments that you and her simply do not have at this point, so it was not a difficult decision for her.

 

The other red flag, now that I think about it, is beware of those who badmouth their ex, be it in a mean way or in the "methinks though doth protest too much" kind of way. Sounds like your situation was more of the latter. More her trying to convince that it was all bad and it's all over.....but clearly not. Her actions speak very loudly here on that subject. Just look around these boards - when people are truly done, no amount of crying, begging, gifts, pleading, etc, etc, etc will cause the ex to reconcile. That only happens because they want to.

 

I'm really sorry and it really sucks to get caught up in something like that. Big internets hugs to you.

 

Thank you, Dancing Fool. You’re right on all counts...

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Thanks, Batya-

 

Yes, I’m sure that relationship feels safer for many reasons... she and I were really new. It was just an intense and highly connected new... we both thought we could be the one for each other and honestly, she was the first person I had met that I have felt was so so right for me and I for her. That is why this hurts so much.

 

Yes- new can feel intense but doesn't mean there is any substance underneath. Highly connected means nothing unless it's over a longer period of time -so you can experience the seasons, holidays, illness, work stress, an ex getting back in touch, promotions, family gatherings, vacations - that's when you find out if you're "highly connected." Short term intensity is fun and exciting and often has little relevance to long term potential. Often it has more to do with loving the infatuation not enjoying getting to know the person. "So right" is easy to feel short term too.

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Logically you can see things one way but emotionally things get blurry. It is often easy or it looks easy for basically strangers on a forum to see things you may have missed or didn't want to see because we are not emotionally connected to the relationship or problem.

 

It is okay to feel hurt and even betrayed because you were hurt badly and betrayed but try and not lose sight that your heart was open and you were willing to put yourself out there. Don't let this person undo any of that.

 

Did she play you? I don't think that was her intention but that is what happened. Not because she sought it out but because she doesn't know what she wants and certainty has no clue what she has lost in walking away from you. Her loss for sure.

 

I have to wonder if the ex hadn't shown up how long it would have been before she broke your heart.

 

There is no way any of us can lesson your pain but you need to always remember you were real and honest in everything you said and did and in no way caused any of this. Sometimes the ones we fall for so deeply simply are not capable of the same.

 

Take very good care of yourself and reach out to friends for support and company

 

Lost

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Yes- new can feel intense but doesn't mean there is any substance underneath. Highly connected means nothing unless it's over a longer period of time -so you can experience the seasons, holidays, illness, work stress, an ex getting back in touch, promotions, family gatherings, vacations - that's when you find out if you're "highly connected." Short term intensity is fun and exciting and often has little relevance to long term potential. Often it has more to do with loving the infatuation not enjoying getting to know the person. "So right" is easy to feel short term too.

 

Thanks, Batya. I guess we just have so much in common and how we feel about life, etc. but I see what you mean... thank you.

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Logically you can see things one way but emotionally things get blurry. It is often easy or it looks easy for basically strangers on a forum to see things you may have missed or didn't want to see because we are not emotionally connected to the relationship or problem.

 

It is okay to feel hurt and even betrayed because you were hurt badly and betrayed but try and not lose sight that your heart was open and you were willing to put yourself out there. Don't let this person undo any of that.

 

Did she play you? I don't think that was her intention but that is what happened. Not because she sought it out but because she doesn't know what she wants and certainty has no clue what she has lost in walking away from you. Her loss for sure.

 

I have to wonder if the ex hadn't shown up how long it would have been before she broke your heart.

 

There is no way any of us can lesson your pain but you need to always remember you were real and honest in everything you said and did and in no way caused any of this. Sometimes the ones we fall for so deeply simply are not capable of the same.

 

Take very good care of yourself and reach out to friends for support and company

 

Lost

 

Thank you, Lost, really. Reading your words is helpful. I do think she walked away on something that could have been really amazing between us.

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Thanks, Batya. I guess we just have so much in common and how we feel about life, etc. but I see what you mean... thank you.

 

Yes - I get that, and for a lasting relationship it's more than that - not just commonalities and how you "feel about life" but how you live your life -and to know that it takes the better part of a year to experience typical life experiences and see how you two connect during those good, bad, boring, neutral, dramatic times. Of course it's disappointing and I am sorry you're hurt and had your hopes up. When I was dating my future husband for two months (although we knew each other from the past) -he told me his recent ex had reached out - she missed him, wanted him back -and he said "I told her no and that's because I love you." They worked together and so had to be in some sort of professional contact but he kept it to that and I might have sent him a lavish gift basket when he returned to their offices (he was working elsewhere for a few months) because I knew her office was right down the hall lol. I too felt insecure -she was a drama queen, he'd been very into her -I could tell -but I believed since we'd been a serious couple in the past that he would be loyal to me and want to be with me, not her. But if I'd just met him then I wouldn't have felt as secure.

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Yes - I get that, and for a lasting relationship it's more than that - not just commonalities and how you "feel about life" but how you live your life -and to know that it takes the better part of a year to experience typical life experiences and see how you two connect during those good, bad, boring, neutral, dramatic times. Of course it's disappointing and I am sorry you're hurt and had your hopes up. When I was dating my future husband for two months (although we knew each other from the past) -he told me his recent ex had reached out - she missed him, wanted him back -and he said "I told her no and that's because I love you." They worked together and so had to be in some sort of professional contact but he kept it to that and I might have sent him a lavish gift basket when he returned to their offices (he was working elsewhere for a few months) because I knew her office was right down the hall lol. I too felt insecure -she was a drama queen, he'd been very into her -I could tell -but I believed since we'd been a serious couple in the past that he would be loyal to me and want to be with me, not her. But if I'd just met him then I wouldn't have felt as secure.

 

Yes, that makes sense. She and I could have had a chance at something amazing but she let this woman come in and now that will never happen. I would have been willing to take that time to walk forward and establish that real connection...

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Yes, that makes sense. She and I could have had a chance at something amazing but she let this woman come in and now that will never happen. I would have been willing to take that time to walk forward and establish that real connection...

 

No - see it has absolutely nothing to do with what the woman did. You are right that she chose to be with this woman instead of you. But if it hadn't been this woman it would have been "the dream of someone else" - (line from the movie You've Got Mail). Many people have the chance at something amazing but you need two available people and the right timing. She wasn't available to be with you because she was willing to walk away at the first sign of temptation. The timing wasn't right because one reason she was so vulnerable to this was because she was still into her ex.

 

I would focus on gritty reality instead of poetic/romantic abstractions like "walk forward" and "establish a connection" -it's much less complicated and practical than that -yes, even though it involves the heart as well as the mind. You need head in the clouds AND feet on the ground. To do that you live your life. You make your life fun and fulfilling even though you know your goal is a committed serious relationship - no need to pretend you're perfectly happy being single. But - you also live your life. You also present yourself as a whole person who is fine being on her own, who is proactive about finding a match without being desperate or acting desperate.

 

You are right that the two of you most likely will not be together unless a lot of time passes -like, years or at least a year AND she is not with this person AND she realizes she made a mistake, realizes it's because she has more in common with you, meaning for all the right reasons. And then if you are also available at that time - a year or longer from now -perhaps you two could date again. Perhaps. It's highly unlikely and I would do nothing if I were you that involves putting anything on hold for that remote possibility.

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No - see it has absolutely nothing to do with what the woman did. You are right that she chose to be with this woman instead of you. But if it hadn't been this woman it would have been "the dream of someone else" - (line from the movie You've Got Mail). Many people have the chance at something amazing but you need two available people and the right timing. She wasn't available to be with you because she was willing to walk away at the first sign of temptation. The timing wasn't right because one reason she was so vulnerable to this was because she was still into her ex.

 

I would focus on gritty reality instead of poetic/romantic abstractions like "walk forward" and "establish a connection" -it's much less complicated and practical than that -yes, even though it involves the heart as well as the mind. You need head in the clouds AND feet on the ground. To do that you live your life. You make your life fun and fulfilling even though you know your goal is a committed serious relationship - no need to pretend you're perfectly happy being single. But - you also live your life. You also present yourself as a whole person who is fine being on her own, who is proactive about finding a match without being desperate or acting desperate.

 

You are right that the two of you most likely will not be together unless a lot of time passes -like, years or at least a year AND she is not with this person AND she realizes she made a mistake, realizes it's because she has more in common with you, meaning for all the right reasons. And then if you are also available at that time - a year or longer from now -perhaps you two could date again. Perhaps. It's highly unlikely and I would do nothing if I were you that involves putting anything on hold for that remote possibility.

 

Batya, woman after my own heart. I said that exact line to her a few weeks ago. That EXACT line from You’ve Got Mail as it’s one of my favorite movies. The fact is that this woman needed a savior and she wanted to be that savior. I didn’t need her to save me. Yes, she wasn’t available to be with me even though she said she was and I think she even thought she was... but I don’t give her anything to fix. Not that I’m not without my own issues as I completely am, but she and I were meeting as equals and I think she had no idea what to do with that. In any case, none of that matters anymore as she has made her choice and it feels terrible. It really does. It always does. And I think it just is going to until it doesn’t anymore. I have been through this enough times to know this but each time, it feels like an unfamiliar blow no matter how familiar it is...

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Batya, woman after my own heart. I said that exact line to her a few weeks ago. That EXACT line from You’ve Got Mail as it’s one of my favorite movies. The fact is that this woman needed a savior and she wanted to be that savior. I didn’t need her to save me. Yes, she wasn’t available to be with me even though she said she was and I think she even thought she was... but I don’t give her anything to fix. Not that I’m not without my own issues as I completely am, but she and I were meeting as equals and I think she had no idea what to do with that. In any case, none of that matters anymore as she has made her choice and it feels terrible. It really does. It always does. And I think it just is going to until it doesn’t anymore. I have been through this enough times to know this but each time, it feels like an unfamiliar blow no matter how familiar it is...

 

I relate. I get you, despite my getting caught up in the practicalities. I love that movie too and back then that line so resonated with me. Of course we all have our own issues. I think musing over the why of this is a waste of your emotional energy. I was broken up with in 2003 by a guy I was so nuts about. He was never in love with me. We dated for five months. He loved playing at being a couple with me. But he wasn't in love. And he was a reformed player type. He was 40 and I was 36. The very best thing I did was let him go, accept he wasn't that into me - and not use all the excuses like "oh he'll never commit, he's a player, etc" -because I knew that there was a great chance he would -just not with me.

 

Oh and I backpedaled twice - fooled around with him twice after that - and then knew what I needed to do. He met his future wife 6 months after he ended things with me. They married 15 years ago. He did send me some inappropriate messages and called me so I always wondered if he was faithful to her but for all I know he is married to her and happily married. It stung when I found out he was with her, when I found out he was engaged -but stung. Not heart wrenching -because I made myself walk away fast, not overthink and accept that he just wasn't that into me and that was ok - at least ok in the sense I had to accept it. Wishing you the best and also hugs!!

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I relate. I get you, despite my getting caught up in the practicalities. I love that movie too and back then that line so resonated with me. Of course we all have our own issues. I think musing over the why of this is a waste of your emotional energy. I was broken up with in 2003 by a guy I was so nuts about. He was never in love with me. We dated for five months. He loved playing at being a couple with me. But he wasn't in love. And he was a reformed player type. He was 40 and I was 36. The very best thing I did was let him go, accept he wasn't that into me - and not use all the excuses like "oh he'll never commit, he's a player, etc" -because I knew that there was a great chance he would -just not with me.

 

Oh and I backpedaled twice - fooled around with him twice after that - and then knew what I needed to do. He met his future wife 6 months after he ended things with me. They married 15 years ago. He did send me some inappropriate messages and called me so I always wondered if he was faithful to her but for all I know he is married to her and happily married. It stung when I found out he was with her, when I found out he was engaged -but stung. Not heart wrenching -because I made myself walk away fast, not overthink and accept that he just wasn't that into me and that was ok - at least ok in the sense I had to accept it. Wishing you the best and also hugs!!

 

Thank you, Batya. I really appreciate your stories. You’re right. Continuing to ask why or make excuses just keeps us connected to the problem and not the solution... the great part is I am stellar at going no contact because I have to for my own protection or it will make me insane. I have a piece of jewelry of hers and she had one of mine that I don’t want back and I want to send hers back to her but I don’t want to elicit communication right now because it’s too painful. Not sure what to do about that.

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Thank you, Batya. I really appreciate your stories. You’re right. Continuing to ask why or make excuses just keeps us connected to the problem and not the solution... the great part is I am stellar at going no contact because I have to for my own protection or it will make me insane. I have a piece of jewelry of hers and she had one of mine that I don’t want back and I want to send hers back to her but I don’t want to elicit communication right now because it’s too painful. Not sure what to do about that.

 

I would wait and see -do you have a mutual friend who can drop it off to her?

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he one I was dating went to her ex’s house yesterday to tell her she could only be her friend but the woman kept messaging and crying and she told me she clearly wanted to be with me. Then today, I get a text saying she is confused and then a phone call saying she is going back to the ex. To say I’m confused and heartbroken is an understatement.

 

Ugh, awful! Sounds like the rebound from hell. So sorry this happened to you.

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I agree but she is friends with all of her exes for the most part. She did say she doesn’t have those feelings toward her several times and I actually believe her. I think the other one was never vulnerable and so when she turned up emotionally distraught, this one was like, oh, maybe she is able to emote... maybe I didn’t give her enough of a chance.

 

But knowing the other party still wants you is a very shaky situation. Its okay to be friends as in "not enemies" but real friendship? This woman has murkey boundaries. you don't need her

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I have exes who, no matter what they did, I would never go back to. Wouldn't even consider it. Why? Because I don't love them, not anymore.

 

Despite what stories she told you, she still loves this woman. Or desperately wants this woman to love her. Different sides of the same coin, same result.

 

I'm sorry she put you through this. These things happen sometimes. It's painful for sure. But you will move forward and find someone sincere.

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Just want to come in late and say I'm really sorry about this.

 

However way you turn the prism, as others have mentioned, I think what this woman has shown you is that she doesn't have the stuff to meet you anywhere close to your level. I hope you can find a way to keep celebrating the compassionate, curious spirit in yourself that allowed you to take this risk, to accept her in the form she initially presented herself as being in, while channeling that same spirit, now, in giving you what you need rather than bending to find some inauthentic balance around her shapeshifting needs.

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I have exes who, no matter what they did, I would never go back to. Wouldn't even consider it. Why? Because I don't love them, not anymore.

 

Despite what stories she told you, she still loves this woman. Or desperately wants this woman to love her. Different sides of the same coin, same result.

 

I'm sorry she put you through this. These things happen sometimes. It's painful for sure. But you will move forward and find someone sincere.

 

Thanks, Bolt. I’m sure she feels tenderly for her but I think the impetus to go back was that she felt that the woman NEEDED her in a big way. She has a strong sense of duty and to hear people out. Not making excuses but I think that is why she felt pulled.

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