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How to choose between two women? story of a polyamorous relationships..escalated


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Hi All

 

Here is me, Male, in my thirties… In a Polyamorous difficult situation.

 

I have a girlfriend for about 5 years (will call her “A” for simplicity).

We had kind of a break 3 years ago.. and I met another girl (let’s call her “B”)

 

With “B” I basically fell in love but at the same time also went back to make peace with “A”

 

For about a year I basically dated both of them.. until “B” got pregnant.

Now I have a 1 year old child too.

 

“A” knows everything about it.. and she accepted it.. and also accepted the child (but will never accept the mother) but she wants to get married now (after 5 years relationship) and also to make her permanence with me more valid, starting a family with me too.

 

Even if “B” has been with me for shorter time.. I cannot stop thinking about her either.

I am 100% sure I love them both, but both of them want exclusivity.

 

“B” will find probably find another partner if I don’t commit properly to her and stop treating her as “hidden lover” - obviously she cannot cut me entirely as I’m still the father of the child

 

“A” will probably leave me and cut all connections with me if I do not get married to her.. soon

 

This is the most difficult decision I have been facing.. for long time now.

Both women have their positive qualities, they are very different but they are both amazing.

“A” is with me for long time (5 years); “B” has already an healthy and strong child with me..

 

“A” is the mother type; always supported me and looked after me. Been pretty much only with me in her life.

“B” (slightly older than “A” but not really relevant) is the partner type; always had extreme fun together and doing everything with much more passion. She had been a playgirl in the past but she stopped it when she met me. She left everything to continue the pregnancy, and she gave up pretty much everything for our child (she had a great job that she had to leave)

 

I have been trying to keep them both for another year now.. but I started realizing that doing this is making both of them suffer. I always find either one crying and I feel selfish to continue to do so.

 

Obviously my dream would be to keep them both, and live happily ever after all together; having children with both of them.. but I guess this can only be a dream.

 

Is there any hope I could try to convince them to accept each other?

or how do I choose between them?

 

This situation is draining my energies lately and even when I lean towards one of them.. eventually I pull back to the other..

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Is there any hope I could try to convince them to accept each other?

or how do I choose between them?

 

Nope. Not a chance.

 

This isn't polyamory. It's a man dating two women, neither of whom is truly okay with him dating the other. Two very different ballgames. It sounds to me like you love some qualities about each of them, but that don't love either one of them as a whole. You seem to be looking to one to compensate for the other's perceived shortcomings. You want bits and pieces of them, but you haven't yet met your mate for life.

 

Honestly, you probably need to be single for a while. You're not in a place to commit to either one of them wholly and completely, because neither is really what you are looking for. You're only partly compatible with either of these women, and it will leave you frustrated and resentful if you choose one and only later realize you're not happy with her.

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I've heard the saying before that always choose the second one, because if you were happy with the first one, you wouldn't have gone to the second one.

 

Though in my opinion (and I apologize for being blunt) but it sounds like you don't deserve either one of these women as you are irresponsible and care more about your own feelings than who you hurt.

You are also a cheater and have little to no loyalty.

 

Before you commit to anyone, maybe consider becoming a better man who is 100% loyal, does not have a wandering eye and will stay completely committed to one woman and one woman, only. You need a lot of growing up yet to do.

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You seem to not understand the definition of polyamory.

A simple google search should clear up the fact that you are not in a polyamorous relationship but instead you are simply a man cheating on a partner.

But which one is the mistress?

 

Do you live with either A or B?

Or have you always been non committal to both?

 

What will eventually happen is that neither will want to be with you.

I’m not sure why they haven’t come to this conclusion yet but I’m guessing because they are fed sweet talk and lies essentially.

 

You are being extremely selfish , only thinking of yourself , not caring about these women or your child.

 

End both relationships and try concentrate on being a good father instead.

 

Because at the moment you are failing at being a partner and father figure.

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You seem to not understand the definition of polyamory.

A simple google search should clear up the fact that you are not in a polyamorous relationship but instead you are simply a man cheating on a partner.

But which one is the mistress?

 

Do you live with either A or B?

Or have you always been non committal to both?

 

What will eventually happen is that neither will want to be with you.

I’m not sure why they haven’t come to this conclusion yet but I’m guessing because they are fed sweet talk and lies essentially.

 

You are being extremely selfish , only thinking of yourself , not caring about these women or your child.

 

End both relationships and try concentrate on being a good father instead.

 

Because at the moment you are failing at being a partner and father figure.

 

Thanks for the reply

 

I have been living pretty much with both of them intermittently; but I never committed 100% to either one this is true.

 

If i was outside the situation I would suggest to myself to be with "B" as that would make my relationship with the kid better and will make things easier and better for the kid also.

 

I am not feeding them lies actually; I've been essentially very open with both of them

I am not caring only about myself but I care each time how all three of them would feel about my actions.

 

I really just do not know how "A" will handle the pain if I decide to end with her, and with "B"... Probably she will manage it and will be fine if I end with her but I just do not want to lose her..

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Yes, but who will feel no pain in all of this or be all alone depending on who you choose? Yeah, there you have it. And you think that's okay to do?

 

Get involved with ONE woman at a time. Don't go back and forth like that. You hurt people and it's not right.

 

Both woman should leave you.

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Well I think unfortunately you need to get real here. These two women are not actually polyamourous. They don't want polyamoury. They want to be monogamous so you need to be respectful of their feelings and what they're actually looking for. If you only care about yourself then that's actually selfish. I completely understand A's position because as a woman who wants marriage and kids (like I do), you would feel miserable in this situation. I know it's been going well for you because you've had both women, but it's not going well for them. Try to put yourself in their shoes.

 

These relationships are not polyamourous because the two women don't want to be polyamourous. Polyamoury is when everyone involved is actually truly polyamourous and willingly wants to be in this relationship. It's also called "ethical non-monogamy" for that reason. If people don't want this situation and are not happy in it, then it's not ethical. So think about that.

 

Also do you actually want to be polyamourous? Like, do you prefer a lifestyle where you have many partners? If so then neither of these women are suitable for you, because they don't want this. In that case you would be better off to end the romantic relationship with both of them and look for other women who are actually polyamourous.

 

I can't actually tell you which woman to choose because it's your decision. But you do have to pick one, or neither of them. Don't drag this out too much longer because it's hurting these women and that's not fair.

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Dude, when you are talking about A wanting a family -- you are polygamous, not polyamorous or you are looking for concubines.

 

Do what is best for the child. Dump A. Be the best dad you can possibly be with no other entanglements.

It is patently harming to live with the child's mother "off and on". Its confusing for the child. Be the best dad you can be and don't worry about other women.

Financially and mentally support your child 100%. Work on the relationship with the child's mom - whether you form a family or coparent -- if the only thing holding you back from being a family is A, then drop A.

 

Do you know that a child whose father is raising them in the same home as they are have a greater chance at having self confidence, being self disciplined and staying out of gangs and legal trouble?

If you and B cannot move forward with that (but i think you should), still kick A to the curb and get joint custody - be a very present father without having the child have to meet/spend time with other lady friends.

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So they are free to fall in love with another man?

 

You are using a term to try and make what you are doing as less of a hurtful thing when in reality you are being a hurtful jerk.

 

You are using their love for you against them so you can bang both of them and play house when you feel like it and they are hoping you choose them.

 

You are going to be a great father figure...

 

Do the right thing by the child first which means if it is yours then make sure your name is on the birth certificate and you take legal responsibility. Next stop being jerk and stringing these women along hoping you can somehow have your cake and eat it too forever.

 

You will need to pay child support, health care and half of all other costs for the child so be prepared.

 

I feel sorry for these women but they are partly to blame for allowing it to continue.

 

Do the right thing for once and take a month and totally stay away from both of them and figure your own stuff out and perhaps during that time they will find their self esteem and dump you for good.

 

I feel for the child...

 

Lost

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If you identify as poly and want partners that are the same, you'll realize that being in a relationship with someone who wants you to be the opposite (monogamous) isn't going to work. A seems more able to deal with you having other partners.

 

Figure out what YOU are and then go from there. Don't ask others to be like you. Find others who are like you.

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Isn't this supposed to mean that the relationships between each are voluntary, not secretive?

 

I think you're making up your own definition to suit yourself.

 

Exactly, this and what Lost said nailed it.

 

OP, I have experience with polyamory. I was involved with a man who was in an open relationship for a while. His girlfriend knew about me and she had other lovers that he knew about. My ex husband and I had an open marriage for a time, also. There was a time when I had a husband, a girlfriend and a boytoy. And my current girlfriend and I have decided that if a time ever comes when we miss being with guys (We bot go both ways, lol) we will find a guy to share for a night. I have no probably with these relationships. But what you are doing isn't polyamory.

 

You say they know about each other, but it doesn't sound like either of them are ok with it. If they both want a commitment from you they they want monogamy, not polyamory. I've seen others use polyamory as an excuse to cheat. People who do that make the rest of us who are honet about it look bad.

 

From the way it sounds, you want to be with B. And you have a kid with her, so that would be the better choice for your child. Why don't you just go with B and stop wasting A's time?

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I remember a female friend once saying, if you are stuck between two people, then the correct choice is probably neither. If you really wanted the full relationship with either, you would have made the choice. Instead you are trying to get all the benefits without making the full commitment. And by your own admission, you are risking losing both. Girl "A" is not accepting this. She's been tolerating it to hold onto the relationship, hoping that you pick her. She doesn't like the other woman and is wanting marriage and a family. She is trying to force a choice and is ready to walk if you don't commit. Girl "B" has already given things up and settled down because she has your child. And she is tired of not being the only girl in your life when she is the mother of your child.

 

You seem more interested in B. So do the responsible thing and be the kind of man who makes a commitment to the mother of his child. Girl A deserves someone who can give her the marriage and commitment she is looking for. That doesn't seem to be you, so it's better to let her know and allow her to find someone who will put her first. Though I would ask myself if you are really ready to settle down. Can you be the person B needs you to be? Or would you still be wanting a "poly" relationship? Of course you should be a father, the child should come first. But only commit to someone if you can fully commit. The girl deserves no less.

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Thanks for the reply

 

I have been living pretty much with both of them intermittently; but I never committed 100% to either one this is true.

 

If i was outside the situation I would suggest to myself to be with "B" as that would make my relationship with the kid better and will make things easier and better for the kid also.

 

I am not feeding them lies actually; I've been essentially very open with both of them

I am not caring only about myself but I care each time how all three of them would feel about my actions.

 

I really just do not know how "A" will handle the pain if I decide to end with her, and with "B"... Probably she will manage it and will be fine if I end with her but I just do not want to lose her..

 

You care about how all 3 will feel about your actions? 3 being A,B and a young child?

The child won’t care about your actions , the child is too young yet to know the difference, but the child will learn that there is no father figure or at least a responsible one in time.

 

What does living intermittently with both even mean??

Do you have a stable home to have your child stay? Do you own a property or have a long term lease??!

If you don’t then you are incapable of housing yourself nevermind a child.

 

You are only thinking about yourself and a home either A or B can provide for you??

Why don’t you actually step up , find a stable home for yourself and one for your child should you get visitation rights or split custody and in the meantime be single and leave these women alone???

 

None of what you are doing is in their interest or unfortunately in the interest of your child.

 

That is selfish.

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I remember a female friend once saying, if you are stuck between two people, then the correct choice is probably neither. If you really wanted the full relationship with either, you would have made the choice. Instead you are trying to get all the benefits without making the full commitment. And by your own admission, you are risking losing both. Girl "A" is not accepting this. She's been tolerating it to hold onto the relationship, hoping that you pick her. She doesn't like the other woman and is wanting marriage and a family. She is trying to force a choice and is ready to walk if you don't commit. Girl "B" has already given things up and settled down because she has your child. And she is tired of not being the only girl in your life when she is the mother of your child.

 

You seem more interested in B. So do the responsible thing and be the kind of man who makes a commitment to the mother of his child. Girl A deserves someone who can give her the marriage and commitment she is looking for. That doesn't seem to be you, so it's better to let her know and allow her to find someone who will put her first. Though I would ask myself if you are really ready to settle down. Can you be the person B needs you to be? Or would you still be wanting a "poly" relationship? Of course you should be a father, the child should come first. But only commit to someone if you can fully commit. The girl deserves no less.

 

Thank you for this reply and it looks kind on the spot. I have underlined a sentence in the quote because it is exactly true and I am amazed how you guessed so right.

 

First of all, I understand that mine are not polyamorous relationships as they are only one-way - only from my side.

Second, child support, stable environment etc.. this is not a problem, financial wise I can support them both if I want to (luckily)

 

Third.. I agree I should be with B to provide a stable environment to the child etc.. and actually I also really want B and crave her presence..

 

Point to complicate this is that "A" is with me since I was basically just starting.. before I started my businesses that eventually became successful; she always helped me and watched my back while B came later on when I was already successful.

Leaving "A" means also she's worked for nothing basically (even though she's learned a lot with me too), and I feel extremely guilty to leave her and break all her dreams to have a full functional family together. I am amazed to see how good she is to cope with all this, to accept everything completely renouncing to her pride, even telling me she can be a second mother to my child.. and I really do not understand why she's not leaving me.

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Third.. I agree I should be with B to provide a stable environment to the child etc.. and actually I also really want B and crave her presence

 

Point to complicate this is that "A" is with me since I was basically just starting.. before I started my businesses that eventually became successful; she always helped me and watched my back while B came later on when I was already successful.

Leaving "A" means also she's worked for nothing basically (even though she's learned a lot with me too), and I feel extremely guilty to leave her and break all her dreams to have a full functional family together. I am amazed to see how good she is to cope with all this, to accept everything completely renouncing to her pride, even telling me she can be a second mother to my child.. and I really do not understand why she's not leaving me.

 

B has a lot more to lose than A.

B does absolutely NOT want or need a second mother for her child.

 

You already left A once. You can do it again.

And if you have even the slightest bit of respect or empathy for A you would let her go and fulfill her dreams of a functional relationship because right now all you are doing is preventing that.

 

Likewise you are in a dysfunctional relationship with B right now.

So either fix it by focusing on her and her only.

Or leave her too and become a part time dad which you are right now anyway.

 

What’s your decision??

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Are both of them employed by you?

 

Point to complicate this is that "A" is with me since I was basically just starting.. before I started my businesses that eventually became successful; she always helped me and watched my back while B came later on when I was already successful.

Leaving "A" means also she's worked for nothing basically (even though she's learned a lot with me too), and I feel extremely guilty to leave her

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Point to complicate this is that "A" is with me since I was basically just starting.. before I started my businesses that eventually became successful; she always helped me and watched my back while B came later on when I was already successful.

Leaving "A" means also she's worked for nothing basically (even though she's learned a lot with me too), and I feel extremely guilty to leave her and break all her dreams to have a full functional family together. I am amazed to see how good she is to cope with all this, to accept everything completely renouncing to her pride, even telling me she can be a second mother to my child.. and I really do not understand why she's not leaving me.

 

"If you love someone, let them go."

 

Yes. Girl A may hurt if you end things. Yes, the dream of being with you will be over. But in not ending this you are hurting her everyday. If you don't intend to settle down with her, then her dream is already broken. She just doesn't see it yet. It doesn't have to mean this was all for nothing. I don't think any relationship is for nothing. We all take things that help to better us and make us the person we are now. I'm sure you've both learned from each other and had great times together. But that relationship isn't suppose to last or turn into marriage/family. It's best for everyone to face it. It will hurt her and you. But the hurt will just get worse the longer you prolong things. As some point you need to set her free so she can find that love she is longing for. She can still have the family, but she can't have it as long as you are there. You seem to care for her, so don't stand in the way. Let her pursue her dream, even if it isn't with you.

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