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Is this the end of my relationship


Lost634

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I am a married man with five kids, one of which, the oldest is my stepson. We’ve been married for five years.

 

We have had our ups and downs like any other relationship. In recent years, especially in the past year, I have found it difficult to show my wife emotional attachment. I still love her but not in love with her. I am trying to rekindle the flame but it just feels like its 1 step forward and 2 steps back.

 

None of us have cheated or anything like that. I feel disconnected from her if you know what I mean. I have told her this, but she shrugs it off.

 

I don’t feel in love with her at all now, and hand on heart, I think if it weren’t for the kids, we would have already parted. I know it is unhealthy to stay together for the kid’s sake, but my kids are my world, and I couldn’t cope without them.

 

My question is, is there anything to try, or does this sound like it’s over 100%? Thanks.

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Sorry to hear this. Is there intimacy? Have there been recent stressors with finances, jobs, blended families? All you can do is try marriage therapy to open a dialogue with the help of a neutral trained professional.

I am a married man with five kids, one of which, the oldest is my stepson. We’ve been married for five years.

 

I still love her but not in love with her. I feel disconnected from her if you know what I mean.

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Thank you wiseman. There really isn't any intimacy at all to be fair, There is also no stresses as I have started a new job that let's me spend more time with my family and more income too. I mentioned therapy but again just said we don't need it.. maybe she has gave up too but doesn't want to say but she isn't that type of woman, she would/always has said what's on her mind.

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No she doesn't work. The emotional attachment if I am honest started around the time the second youngest was born. I am a very hands on dad, I like to spend my free with my kids learning them skills,playing football swimming going to the park etc, I would always say to my wife that it would be good for her to maybe come along once or twice to spend time as a family doing things the kids enjoy. But it was always no. I then told myself ok I understand she is with them all day until I am home from work and thats when I started feeling attachment start to fall and its been declined ever since. And not only then did I feel that it was like we had nothing in common. I mean I love her as the mother of my kids yeah but that is as far as I see it, someday I dig deep and try and start new but she rejects any kind of renewal of you know what I mean.

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I agree with others. She's exhausted after taking care of 5 kids all day. No matter how tired you are, help her with chores, errands, child tending and do so without having been asked. Jump right it and be right on it.

 

I stayed home for a few years while my sons were very young and by the time my husband came home from work, I was wiped out. He was, too yet he rolled up his sleeves and helped me everyday with everything without excuses. Pick up the slack and your wife will appreciate you. Then she'll have more brain space for you. You ought to try it.

 

Also, you're teaching your children how a father and husband should behave. They're observing you as they grow up. Become a fine example to them by respecting and loving their mother with your actions. Be noble and honorable in that way. Then when they grow up, they'll know what a real marriage and family life should be and follow suit generation to generation.

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I would always say to my wife that it would be good for her to maybe come along once or twice to spend time as a family doing things the kids enjoy. But it was always no. I then told myself ok I understand she is with them all day until I am home from work and thats when I started feeling attachment start to fall and its been declined ever since.

 

Yeah, she might REALLY need some alone time after full days spent with small children. It's good that you spend your free time with your kids, but she spends all her time with them.

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It's up to you to reestablish an emotional connection. In house, you could rub her feet or back. You could write her a letter of everything you appreciate about her. You could say you miss your couple outings and get a babysitter once a month again. Instead of the quick peck when you arrive home, occasionally give a longer kiss and a meaningful hug. Compliment her on her looks and anything she does great, like being a good mother. Ask her if she wants a night out with a girlfriend, or if she wants time to herself one or two nights a week for a hobby like a painting class, pottery class, book discussion group, etc. And you can hold down the fort while she does that.

 

When she sees you making an effort and appreciating her--showing her how much you love her, believe me, she will likely see you in a new and better light, and will do her part in reestablishing a spark. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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To be straight with you this does not look good. Most for the time we see women coming on here with these types of situations but once in a while it is the husband.

 

It will get to the point where you are totally checked out and there is nothing that can be done but since you have come here that is some good news.

 

She will not attend therapy so set an appointment anyways. Pick a day and time when you know you can get a sitter for the kids or have the oldest watch them so she has no excuse not to go. Then tell her you have made an appointment with a marriage counselor and you are going with or without her because you are willing to do anything to save the marriage. Use those terms "save the marriage" and it should get her attention.

 

Then when the day comes don't pressure her to go at all. Ask her if she wants to ride together or if she wants to meet you there. If she insists on not going then go yourself and be frank and honest with the therapist. Keep going for a few sessions but don't tell her what you talk about, simply tell her if she wants to know how it went she is welcome to come along. I can tell you if she cares at all it will kill her not knowing.

 

The therapist can help you try some new things but more than likely if your wife will not engage they will help you begin the process of ending your marriage as peacefully as possible. They can be of great help with it so don't discount how much help they can be.

 

Staying for the children is noble but short sighted. The children will imprint on how a marriage is supposed to be while living with you in an emotionless relationship and it could harm their own relationships down the line. Having a happy dad that is divorced is way better than the alternative. They want the family to be together but they also want parents that are happy.

 

In a prefect world your wife would open up to you what she is feeling but if she will not and will not do anything to make this better then it falls on you to do what you have to for yourself and the children.

 

I used to use the phrase when asked about my divorce. "I didn't want to get divorced, I had to" which was true for other reasons than yours but the reality is the same.

 

Keep posting there are a lot of people here that can help

 

Lost

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I feel disconnected from her if you know what I mean. I have told her this, but she shrugs it off.

 

Well, not exactly. "I feel disconnected" is an abstraction. It can mean different things to different people. Sure, it sounds 'bad,' but I wouldn't assume that wife 'should' understand exactly what you're trying to say--or what you want her to do about it.

 

Start with self-clarity. What is it that you want, exactly? And, is there anything that wife can do to help bring that about?

 

If you don't know, or you believe that there isn't anything wife can do, then you have an answer.

 

If you DO know what you want, why not start by telling us what that is?

 

If we're not clear on what you want, then it's likely that wife isn't, either.

 

... My question is, is there anything to try, or does this sound like it’s over 100%?

 

Try for what outcome?

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