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26 yo, African American Male, 5,10, Athletic Build, interfacial Relationship.

 

Hello Everyone,

 

I'll keep my name anonymous incase the post goes viral. Long story short I'm having some relationship issues. These issues derived in earlier this year with the lost of a Job. I had my own place, and my significant other still lives with her parents (which bums her out from time to time). With the lost of my job I had to give up my apartment, because COVID made unemployment impossible to receive. So, I ended up moving in with her and her parents. Now, initially I thought this all through and felt like this would put a huge strain on the relationship. Therefore, I made sure on several occasions if this would be ok with my partner, because I know how she likes her space. Plus now it would be both of us under her parents roof, which could make her feel trapped. All our conversations went well, and I was reassured over and over again that this would be an opportunity to grow and build while the pressure of bills are low. I moved in all excited, and remember so vividly one special moment when my girlfriend started tearing, and saying things like "I'm so happy you're here with me right now". I'm excited to plan out lives out together. NOW for me she just hit a hot button in my love language board. Now of course things were harder, I was out of work, and she was out of work. So we couldn't do the fun things that made our relationship so passionate. Skipping ahead a few weeks and everything completely changed. AND WE ALMOST BROKE UP. But we communicated out wants enough to make it out of that dark phase. She then finally professed just how much being at home with her parents kills her sexual drive. This stirred many feelings with in me that I'm still trying to process today. At first I was understanding, and started budgeting and forming a plan to get us out from under her parents house. I found work, and started slaving away. I made a savings plan that works and I'm well towards our way of getting out.

Now the reason I made this post is because I feel sexually deprived in my relationship. I know for a fact that my girlfriend has lost attraction for me and it's killing me. What makes me more sick is the fact that no matter how much I research I can't seem to comprise of a plan to address this. I know exactly what I want out of this relationship. I want someone who's going to respect me, because I'm very respectful even to people who don't deserve it. I want words of affirmation, I've grown to realize that I sometimes crave attention. I feel like I try to be the best me that I can be for the sake of being mentioned. I want to be love respected and valued.

 

Anyway moving on, yada yada. I love this girl right. And she implies that when we get out this house. Our relationship will be in a much healthier state.

I trust my girlfriend, and truly believe my self that having our place will be beneficial for the both of us. I'm not grinding 56 hours a week and studying just to have sex more with my girlfriend no.

 

But I also don't want to get to a point where I putting fourth all this effort for someone who doesn't even see's me as a romantic partner.

 

I mean honestly we've ed with her Dad right above us no problem. But now all of a sudden it " turns you off?"

 

Look I just want to know if I should A. Tell my girlfriend how I feel and see if we can compromise on something sexual. Maybe a hotel get away once a month or a spa thing. Maybe rent a car, and along side a beach. You know outside the house so if feels less...restricting.

 

Or B. Just mirror her actions, you know pretend like I don't hear her. Or maybe say no the next time she asks me to rub her feet or her back. I can stop trying to make eye contact with her, seem less interested. My only concern with that is for one I'd have to be completely faking it because I LOVE THIS WOMAN TO DEATH, and OUUUUUUUUUU I wanna her so bad. I've experienced a time when I felt like she wanted it more than me. Now, maybe we get out of this and everything goes back to the way it is but even better, because we over came a predicament.

 

I've read several things and I feel like I can do one or the other but not both. I honestly don't want to do either. For one my girlfriend hates talking about sex, and I feel like this would just push her away even more. The second one, I feel like I can just stop being a ing YES man all the time, and make her do everything for her self. But for one that would be drastic and would probably do more harm then good. Plus, she's insecure if I lost interest in her I feel like she's question her self and I don't want her to do that. To me she's the most gorgeous thing that graces this earth. So, why not treat her like that feel me?

 

So yah, just let a playa know what I can do to get the woman I love to understand that if we had more sex, it wouldn't negatively impact out relationship.

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So she's unemployed, no sex drive, doesn't support herself, can't rub her own feet or pay for a masseuse and you're working and putting money aside for your future together.

 

My advice is continue at your job, save up, get your own apartment but don't ask her to live with you. She has to sort out her own life. Move in later on when you both have your careers on track and are both saving towards a shared goal and have a better idea of whether you're compatible.

 

I don't think there's any other way to it than having an honest heart to heart discussion about your relationship. You can phrase it in a way that's easier to digest but be prepared that the relationship won't work anyway if one partner is doing all the work and the other likes to argue a lot or doesn't want to participate or validate the other partner's ideas or suggestions. You should speak with her about the way you feel.

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Sorry to hear this. let her parents handle her and her finances, etc. Great you found a job. You need to move out of her family's house. It very disrespectful to live under their roof so you can have sex. Find a place, for yourself.

With the lost of my job I had to give up my apartment. I ended up moving in with her and her parents.

 

I was out of work, and she was out of work.

 

She then finally professed just how much being at home with her parents kills her sexual drive.

 

And she implies that when we get out this house. Our relationship will be in a much healthier state. I mean honestly we've ed with her Dad right above us no problem.

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I understand not wanting to have sex while still living with the parents, it’s disrespectful. I think the things you want and need in a relationship are very reasonable. The best thing to do is have an open discussion with her about everything you mentioned here. Don’t phrase things that are “you” focused instead say “ I feel, and I understand.” You don’t want her to feel you’re blaming her.

 

If you find in having a conversation with her that it goes nowhere you may have your answer?

 

If you can’t communicate your relationship can’t survive.

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I would go with Option A. Option B is what -year olds do when they don't get their way.

 

Additionally, I think you guys need to communicate more. There's no need for you to be a yes-man, and it doesn't have to be an argument. It can be a conversation. Same with sex. Do you know why she has a hang up talking about sex?

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Honestly she’s expressed not liking to talking about sex on several occasions in the past. The last time I tried to peel that onion her comment was perhaps to just not having much of it. Which I can’t really assess because we never discuss out sexually past or partners. I don’t even know the name of not one of her exes.

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Flirting or talking about sex opens up a lot of doors. Do you both flirt or compliment each other at all? Or talk about what you like in bed? Try and loosen it up a bit. What do you both like to do together that's fun?

 

I still think you need to keep in mind that if she's dealing with her own issues, lack of confidence, depressed about her lot and finances/employment, depending on you to do all the work and work miracles, she's a spoiled brat OR has issues that are not in your scope or power to change/help. She has to fix whatever is wrong with her first in order to be a partner to anyone. You care about her so for your sake I hope that's not the case. Move out as soon as it's feasible and don't be indebted to the family.

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You have seen how things go when there is stress in the relationship so don't ignore the red flags.

 

This may all work out but I agree you should get some money together and get a tiny little place so you can move out of her parents. Anything so you can get back on your own feet and not live with them.

 

The other issues seem like they will follow not matter the living situation.

 

Lost

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So what do I do? I mean we’ve been talking this whole time about moving into a place together. What if me mentioning moving out alone seems like an escape plan and it’s perceived negatively?

 

Is she employed?

 

What's the plan, really? Move out together and then what? I'm asking because I'm curious what comes after that or how the situation sustains itself.

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I want someone who's going to respect me, because I'm very respectful even to people who don't deserve it. I want words of affirmation, I've grown to realize that I sometimes crave attention. I feel like I try to be the best me that I can be for the sake of being mentioned. I want to be love respected and valued.

 

None of the things you want from the relationship require sex. While you might want sex and feel that it could bring you closer together, your current circumstances don't really allow for that. I don't imagine there are many people who feel comfortable having sex with their parents in the other room. It's an awkward situation that will kill that desire quickly. But there are other ways to show affection. Have a regular date night where you can get out of the house and simply enjoy each other's company having fun doing something together. Cuddling on the couch with a movie can feel amazing and be very intimate. Just because there isn't sex, doesn't mean you aren't loved or respected. It just means you need to find other ways of showing each other those feelings.

 

Do not go with option B. If you are wanting affection, how will being cold and not showing her affection help? This games can easily backfire and tell her that you aren't interested in her, hurting the relationship more. Less is not more in this case, less is less and could end things. Plus, you admit you would be faking it. You wouldn't feel right doing it. Relationships should be about following your heart, not planning a strategy that you aren't even into.

 

While a getaway could be a nice treat for both of you, reliving some stress from the entire situation, ultimately the way out is to change the situation. Once you can have a place of your own, either your own place or with her, that should make things better. Right now the stress of work, money, living arrangements, etc is an overwhelming issue. When you are worried about those things, it's difficult to be in the mood and let go enough to enjoy being in the moment together. But if things become stable and you have the freedom of your own place, that romantic spark can easily ignite again. So keep going with your plan. Both of you need to be working on making that a reality. In the meantime, learn to enjoy and appreciate all the small moments that make a relationship special. The hugs, kisses goodnight, holding hands, taking walks together.... they can be just as enjoyable. If it helps, see it as extended foreplay that will make the actually sex all that much better when the time is right for it to happen.

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