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Against all odds. will appreciate your advice.


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I'm a 45 y.o man, divorced + 2 (school age) in a 3+ years relationship with a 35 y.o single woman.

I'm a self-employed businessman who relocated with her this year to London, in the hope of building a good life for us.

Met my Partner in her city in Eastern Europe, where I worked and lived for a few years.

My Daughters live with my Ex in another country, but my connection with my D is strong and I used to fly to them every month (before Covid) and video calls 3-4 times a week.

 

My partner cannot stand my "realities" as she calls it. She generally does not like children, although claiming to want to have her own "one day". My Daughters though adore her. In the little she sees them, she plays very nicely.

 

She's an Introvert. extremely. She does not like or trust people and has very few friends.

A romantic relationship is everything in her mind and she wants her man to be 100% focused on her.

Obviously, I hardly fit that profile.

 

So why are we together still? In several ways we fit very well and there's an energetic connection between us. I love her and I feel that she loves me.

 

Nevertheless, our relationship is getting harder. Her very low self esteem and personality make it harder for her to adopt and built herself in this new country.

Her sense of instability is greater due to my expenses, a man paying alimonies + double rent, flights, rented cars, etc.

 

She's terrified about a future together, about "her place", but she does not want to breakup and leave.

 

Would very much appreciate any advice and please, feel free to be blunt.

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I'm not sure I know what she means about 'her place.' Is she financially dependent on you? And your 'realities' existed when she met you. She knew you had children and yet she engaged in a relationship with you.

 

How is she not adopting and building herself in your new country?

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It sounds like she is not getting what she wants out of this relationship, but wants to give you a chance to help remedy it.

 

What do you want to do?

 

Whether she is introverted, makes friends, adapts, etc. is really neither here nor there. She has the right to be who she is. If you don't like it, then go. It's not your problem. You're not her father.

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She seems disappointed and homesick since the move. Does she have a job there? How is her language/cultural skills?

 

It sounds like she may have been expecting her own family...her own husband, her own kids etc., rather than being on the periphery of your family, your ex your kids, your expenses, etc..

 

Perhaps she should visit home and decide if she wants to come back? Not much you can do about her unhappiness and disappointment with the move.

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Eastern European women LOL I'm part Polish so I think I may get it....

 

She has to understand that your kids are important to you. If she can't come to accept that, be content with it, and learn to be a happy person with those fact, then honestly, you don't want her in your life longterm.

 

You need to be really upfront with her about this, like show her the door type of upfront. She knew about your kids before getting romantic with you, so holding on to that like it's some awful thing in her life is not appropriate. She's acting selfish if she's using it as a way to manipulate you.

 

Does she have any skills or education where she can find work in London that makes her happy or fulfilled, or is she planning on having kids and being a stay at home mom? Her saying, "someday," doesn't sound like it's important to her right now at all, so just wondering if she's at least working on some kind of job or something to keep her busy and not bored.

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"Her sense of instability is greater due to my expenses, a man paying alimonies + double rent, flights, rented cars, etc.

 

She's terrified about a future together, about "her place", but she does not want to breakup and leave."

 

You know when I re-read this part, it just sounds sad, but I think she really wants a man who doesn't already have all that baggage.

 

And you don't want a woman who will grow resentful and bitter about you having to pay alimony and double rent etc. You need someone who will understand that and not hold it against you forever. I think she's just too scared to breakup and prolonging it :upset:

 

I'm so sorry!

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No matter what the pros are, if you are regularly upset in a relationship, it means it's not the right one for you. If her world revolves solely around you, then it would be shocking if you don't feel smothered. If she regularly whines about you spending money and time on your children, then that's of course stressful for you because you're with someone who doesn't support that part of your life.

 

What would I do in your shoes? I'd say: Criticizing how I spend my money and time on my children is stressing me out and it's not going to change, so I'd like those discussions to end.

 

I'd also say: I can't be focused on you 100 percent of the time. You will have to find some other outlets like a hobby or more friends or volunteer work or continuing education to meet your needs when I'm not available.

 

If she can't come through for you, you're settling. If she wanted someone who could give her everything she's demanding, she should have chosen a man who could give it to her. Don't be a doormat and let yourself be punished when you're not doing anything wrong.

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She new my situation from the first 5 minutes she met me. She said she never wanted such, but she liked me and one day became a week, a month, a year...

Mentality wise, this move here, which I hoped will be exciting for her, that we can have a future in such a country, turned out to be somethings which she does not connect to in most of the things here.

I do not blame her, at all. it is indeed very different here than anything she was sued to. Not everybody likes England.

I did not come here because I like it more than any other place. It just made sense from business to me and opportunities (so I hoped) for both of us.

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Just to be clear... is she complaining about your realities?

 

Complaining is a form of manipulation that makes everyone in the relationship miserable... I don't like it.

 

To me, whenever someone is constantly making something into an issue (especially over something you can't change like having kids, paying alimony etc.) by relentlessly complaining about it, only they can decide to stop and accept the situation. But you also need to decide if you want to live with a woman who will constantly make, "your realities," an issue she doesn't like and complains about. It is NOT fun to live with a chronic complainer.

 

And the bad thing about complaining is that if she can't come to contentment over it, she'll only grow bitter and resentful with time (leading to more complaining and relationship problems).

 

So you're both at a cross roads due to her attitude problem. She needs to be honest with herself if she can really accept you as you are, baggage and all.

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She seems disappointed and homesick since the move. Does she have a job there? How is her language/cultural skills?

 

It sounds like she may have been expecting her own family...her own husband, her own kids etc., rather than being on the periphery of your family, your ex your kids, your expenses, etc..

 

Perhaps she should visit home and decide if she wants to come back? Not much you can do about her unhappiness and disappointment with the move.

 

You are spot on. clearly she is home sick. But she was now 2 months, all summer enjoyed there and still decided to come. Maybe now she regrets it. I am not sure whether to offer her to go and only come back if she decides she really wants this life, which I do not think she does.

I love her so much, that I prefer seeing her happy with another man than continuing like this.

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Eastern European women LOL I'm part Polish so I think I may get it....

 

She has to understand that your kids are important to you. If she can't come to accept that, be content with it, and learn to be a happy person with those fact, then honestly, you don't want her in your life longterm.

 

You need to be really upfront with her about this, like show her the door type of upfront. She knew about your kids before getting romantic with you, so holding on to that like it's some awful thing in her life is not appropriate. She's acting selfish if she's using it as a way to manipulate you.

 

Does she have any skills or education where she can find work in London that makes her happy or fulfilled, or is she planning on having kids and being a stay at home mom? Her saying, "someday," doesn't sound like it's important to her right now at all, so just wondering if she's at least working on some kind of job or something to keep her busy and not bored.

 

She's a lawyer but in her own country. I arranged a job for her, from home, to be a lawyer in an international company in our group of companies. But she struggles with the English and thus hate it. I try to help, with English teachers and now courses but she is de-motivated.

She hates her profession in general and does not like ANYTHING that comes to mind, but she's not abandoning it, because she knows it is unwise.

 

For myself, I don't care if she will not work. we don't need her salary. But I do want her to feel good with her life whatever she does.

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Mentality wise, this move here, which I hoped will be exciting for her, that we can have a future in such a country, turned out to be somethings which she does not connect to in most of the things here.

I do not blame her, at all. it is indeed very different here than anything she was sued to. Not everybody likes England.

 

 

It's cute that you don't blame her at all, like she has some kind of romantic spell over you to think she's innocent in all this - something Eastern European women are good at doing to men LOL But in reality, she could make the most of all of this, and be happy - yes, even in London.

 

I definitely would not like living in London, but if I had to, I'd try to make the most of it there. It all comes down to her initiative and creativity and her ability to be a happy person. Homesickness is normal, but it does sound like her issues are more with things you can't change.

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It sounds like she is not getting what she wants out of this relationship, but wants to give you a chance to help remedy it.

 

What do you want to do?

 

Whether she is introverted, makes friends, adapts, etc. is really neither here nor there. She has the right to be who she is. If you don't like it, then go. It's not your problem. You're not her father.

 

I feel hopeless about it, to be honest.

You cannot force love. not to someone, something or some place.

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She's a lawyer but in her own country. I arranged a job for her, from home, to be a lawyer in an international company in our group of companies. But she struggles with the English and thus hate it. I try to help, with English teachers and now courses but she is de-motivated.

She hates her profession in general and does not like ANYTHING that comes to mind, but she's not abandoning it, because she knows it is unwise.

 

For myself, I don't care if she will not work. we don't need her salary. But I do want her to feel good with her life whatever she does.

 

That is very sweet! You sound like you've tried to help her a lot. Good job being a supportive partner... hopefully she'll figure out what she wants and be happy with you. It really just takes a decision, as simple as that sounds.

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"Her sense of instability is greater due to my expenses, a man paying alimonies + double rent, flights, rented cars, etc.

 

She's terrified about a future together, about "her place", but she does not want to breakup and leave."

 

You know when I re-read this part, it just sounds sad, but I think she really wants a man who doesn't already have all that baggage.

 

And you don't want a woman who will grow resentful and bitter about you having to pay alimony and double rent etc. You need someone who will understand that and not hold it against you forever. I think she's just too scared to breakup and prolonging it :upset:

 

I'm so sorry!

 

You are very very kind.

Yes, I do come with "a baggage". I do not think anyone should need to apologies for such.

I love my Daughters very much and even being away from them is sometimes heartbreaking, but I chose to live and chase the good opportunities life has dealt, and it brought me here.

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No matter what the pros are, if you are regularly upset in a relationship, it means it's not the right one for you. If her world revolves solely around you, then it would be shocking if you don't feel smothered. If she regularly whines about you spending money and time on your children, then that's of course stressful for you because you're with someone who doesn't support that part of your life.

 

What would I do in your shoes? I'd say: Criticizing how I spend my money and time on my children is stressing me out and it's not going to change, so I'd like those discussions to end.

 

I'd also say: I can't be focused on you 100 percent of the time. You will have to find some other outlets like a hobby or more friends or volunteer work or continuing education to meet your needs when I'm not available.

 

If she can't come through for you, you're settling. If she wanted someone who could give her everything she's demanding, she should have chosen a man who could give it to her. Don't be a doormat and let yourself be punished when you're not doing anything wrong.

 

Thank you for that. it seems so obvious, it was there all along in our discussions from the first month, and still, love kept us going.

I have arranged multiple meetings with a couples' therapists; neither worked for us. we have one now which is better, though it is complicated as I was looking for one who speaks both our native languages, as emotions do not get expressed well and frustration comes instead, if you try to deal with such on a language you feel limited in expressing yourself.

 

I am not perfect myself, you know.

There are more things I could have done. Some things I could have been more thoughtful about and more sensitive.

We communicate in English, which is not a native language for neither of us, although to be honest it is much easier for me than for her.

So limited vocabulary + gaps of culture, well... does not make our lives easier and especially when tension gets high.

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I feel hopeless about it, to be honest.

You cannot force love. not to someone, something or some place.

 

You describe her in a way that makes me think that she is someone who needs to be looked after. It's been three years, so her personality can't be a surprise for you. Do you have a tendency to "save" people?

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She's an Introvert. extremely. She does not like or trust people and has very few friends.

A romantic relationship is everything in her mind and she wants her man to be 100% focused on her.

 

As an extreme introvert who holds the same romantic notions of a relationship, I can relate. While I like people, I'm not one to have many friends and would put any relationship first in my mind. However, that's not your circumstance. She needs to understand that. She may need the reassurance that just because you have these other responsibilities, it doesn't mean you love her any less. Make sure to give her as much attention as you can, and make that time special and meaningful. Show you that no matter what tasks life gives you to do, you are thinking of her.

 

The other part of the equation is her. She needs to be comfortable in her life and find what makes her happy. While a relationship can pick you up and give you that extra bit of love and encouragement you need, it can't be the only thing you live for. No person can make us completely happy, we have to find happiness within ourselves. As much as you help her out and try to encourage her, she has to be the one to take the step herself. If she is not happy with the job or her situation, she needs to change it. She needs to find something that will make her happy, that she enjoys doing and will cheer her up. All you can do is continue to support her and try to get her to take an interest in something she enjoys.

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Start focusing on being a father and not thinking with your nether regions. Anyone that spoke that way about my child, or had that attitude where it concerned my child, would be out the door so fast their head would spin.

 

YOU are a parent first and foremost. If she does not respect that, then she needs to leave.

 

On some level you obviously know that, otherwise you wouldn't have made this post.

 

This woman is incredibly selfish, self centered and only thinking of her own needs. This situation will get much worse, trust me. But the bad part is, the longer you keep it going on, the higher the chances of one of your children getting hurt.

Why would you even risk it?

 

Get rid of this jerk. She is not a parent and has no idea what it takes to be a parent.

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She seems disappointed and homesick since the move.

 

That's too damn bad...go home then. But she has no right to start making a father feel guilty for being a father.

 

Your children come first....BEFORE HER....and should always come first in every way.

 

You've got ONE chance to make this right as a father. Kids are only children a certain amount of time.

Either you make their childhood the best possible with people around them who truly do love them, or you create potential mental health issues dealing with a woman who secretly hates that.

 

Your call.

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Sherry, he may not get to see his kids that much, even if he lived closer due to a horrible ex wife. I'm just saying, we don't know the whole backstory... his ex-wife may have tried to isolate him from his kids and he's moving on and trying to find a partner due to loneliness.

 

She *could* make herself an asset to his life, but she'd have to accept him and all his baggage and choose to be happy.

 

There are women out there who would do that, so he's missing out on someone better for him, and she's missing out on someone that maybe fits her better. But at this point, there's no real evidence he's putting her above his kids necessarily, he's just voicing that she complains about the extra expenses and imagining a future together where so much of their income will go to another household he doesn't even get to really be apart of.

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I imagine that is a huge deal for a lot of women who may marry divorcees... seeing so much of their husband's income and expenses go to another household. It's a huge problem she'd have to accept and be happy with because it's quite a big loss of income and would affect their future financially.

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