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Getting a divorce without loosing our friends...


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After 8 years of marriage me and the wife decided we’d had our very last fight. We both love each other very much but the LOVE has ended, if you know what I’m getting at. We've realized that we’re two very different people that should never have gotten married in the first place as it’s been a cascade of smaller and some serious arguments since the beginning. The biggest problem that we’ve had is that I’m a person that always had to resolve the problem immediately and to talk it over until we were “friends” again, however my wife always escaped into our bedroom and refused to talk whenever we’d have an argument. Our last argument got so ugly that I completely lost it, simply because she didn’t want to talk, say anything to me. I lost it and ended up destroying our walk in closet, before I eventually broke down in tears and asked for a divorce. This wasn’t the first time I had asked for a divorce, but the previous times she always wanted to try again. This time however, she agreed that there probably isn’t any hope anymore. I rarely cry, however we both cried for hours that day and held each other asking ourselves how we are going to move on. I’m just as afraid as she is. We don’t want to loose each other as friends.


We don’t have children, but we have a business together, a very successful bed & breakfast, in my name, and my mother in law is working as a manager there. She has 5 years until retirement. We agreed on that she will continue working there until she retires. All of our friends are common friends. We don’t have any individual friends and we obviously don’t want to loose our common friends.


My biggest problem, is that I’m hurting, really bad. I still love my soon to be ex wife, and I love the idea that she wants us to always remain friends, however, I need time to heal, to be alone, lots of it. I’ve given her our house and I will stay with the business. I don’t have any place to stay but I’ve always had a dream to build an apartment on top of our bed & breakfast just for us, and now I want to go ahead with this but I need to sort out the financial bit first. In the meantime I’ve occupied one of the guest rooms in our house.


My question is... can this actually work, or are we being way too naive here? Can you get over someone by seeing them several times a week. It hurts so bad, and my wife is suffering also, but we have really come to grips that separation is the only option now. She sends me several text messages a day asking me how I’m doing. I ask her to stop, that I’m grateful that she cares, but I need time to process and not talk about our feelings right now.


My birthday is coming up in a few days, and my wife has planned a big party for me. I’ve asked for her to either not be there or cancel, as I’m not ready mentally to be with all of our friends and her at the same time, drinking and smiling as nothing has changed. I’ve asked her to please call her friends and tell them about the separation so I can go to the party alone without it getting weird.


I hope there is a solution to how someone can get over each other without loosing a friendship at the same time. I just don’t know where to begin. Where to escape. What to do. We have so many good memories that we don’t want to loose and we want to cherish these as friends in the future. Right now, I can’t stand to see her, even think about her. It hurts too much. I want the healing process to begin right now and feel better sooner than later, but at the same time, I want us to one day, in 6 months or 3 years, be able to sit down with our friends and laugh and smile and be happy together!


Please tell me it’s possible!

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