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Guy I met online says he wants to leave his gf for me


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Hey,

 

hope everyone is doing as well as possible during these times. I'd really need some objective, unbiased advice from someone who's preferably more experienced than me when it comes to romance and relationships (so pretty much anyone lol). This might be long though, so bare with me.

 

Basically, I'm a woman in my 20's. I don't have much experience with relationships so I find it hard to trust my judgement in this case. I usually stay away from romantic involvement - I have avoidant tendencies and I'm also really busy with studies and establishing my career. Other than that I'm pretty sane :D

 

The problem is, a month ago I met a guy online. It was NOT on a dating app, I have to stress that, it was a pretty neutral app designed to practice languages etc. I messaged him first, and he replied saying he forgot he even had this app installed because he hasn't talked to anyone on it for more than 2 years. Then we started exchanging looong messages - basically, I don't even know how things escalated to what the situation is now - but, in those messages we discovered we have pretty much everything in common - our taste in everything, likes, dislikes, spirituality...We just clicked instantly. And I felt understood for the very first time - something which never happened before with anyone else. He just seemed to get me, my likes, my dislikes, my style of writing, my view of the world. And I got his (or at least that's what I thought). We shared so many personal details with each other, our hopes, fears... This was going on for a month. At the end, he implied we should meet.

 

At the beginning I fooled myself into thinking I was just killing time with these long messages, but I was lying to myself. What I was really doing was falling hopelessly in love - with a man I don't even know, online. Yep. NOT the smartest move on my part. I was very careful with my personal info in case he was some crazed stalker but I wasn't careful with my heart. However, I was freaked out. Because I've never been in a situation like that, because it was online, because it was all moving very fast - and I know that "too fast too soon" usually isn't a good sign. I was wondering if he was love-bombing me. I was wondering what his motivation for love-bombing even would be since we live hundreds of kilometers apart and he barely knows how I look like. I was torn between "this guy might be a sociopath and just saying what I want to hear" to "this is my soulmate, you're just being paranoid, you have avoidant attachment anyway". The thing is, I do believe he didn't fake his interests, because he usually told me his interests first and he also proved them - so he wasn't mirroring me. However he was very complimentary of me eventhough he barely knew me, from the start. He also expressed a lot of interest in me almost from the start. Basically there were red flags, but they weren't obvious. At all.

 

Anyway all that paranoia let me to Google him - using my investigative skills, I managed to find him. And I realized he has a long-term girlfriend. Ouch, my heart. I immediately confronted him, told him that basically this is over and what he did was very wrong, even if we never established an official relationship - the romantic connotation was clear. I told him to think of what he's doing to his poor gf.

 

He replied, basically saying that at the beginning he had no plans of romantic involvement with me, he was just being friendly. However, with time, he started falling for me. And he said that in the next few messages he was going to ask me if I'm single and had I said yes, he would've broken up with his gf and give our relationship a try. And that his relationship with his gf is reaching an end anyway. He didn't apologize tho, interestingly enough.

 

Well, OBVIOUSLY, my immediate reaction was "oh hell nah". First off; how you get them is how you lose them, right? Second off, I feel HORRIBLE for his poor gf - who spent years with him and even lives with him. Third of all, how do I know he's even telling the truth and he really was going to leave her if I had said that I'm willing to give our relationship a try? Fourth of all; so if I didn't say I'm willing to be with him, he would stay with his gf? For what - shouldn't he leave his gf anyway, if he feels their relationship is reaching an end and they're drifting apart - irregardless if he has a new romantic option or not? If he's lying, and their relationship isn't reaching an end, and he just happened to fall in love with me - he shouldn't have put himself in a situation of writing long, emotional messages to someone else and expressing interest in someone else while with her. Or he at least should be open with me and tell me that he has a gf when he saw that our messages were getting more emotional. Also - we know each other for a month, online. Why is he prepared to leave his long-time gf for someone he knows for a month and hasn't even seen in person.

 

 

Despite all these major red flags, the hopeless romantic in me wonders from time to time - what if this is "the one" despite the circumstances. I've never felt more understood, I've never met anyone with whom I would share so many commonalities. What if he really was going to break up with his gf either way and I just happened to meet him in the process, what if this is my "soulmate". What if I'll regret leaving this connection in the future. Basically I'm sick with the dreaded "What if" bug. :stung:

 

SIGH. Someone please help. I'm losing my mind just a bit. Any advice or personal anecdote is welcome.

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He's a complete loser. Where are you getting these terms like avoidant and mirroring? Are you seeing a psychiatrist or therapist? You seem very anxious and inexperienced to me with zero self-worth and that's about it.

 

You deserve a lot better than what he's offering. This is also long distance. The whole situation is a fiasco blowing up before a romance has even legitimately started.

 

A good thing to do might be to ask yourself why you are continuing to engage in self-sabotage and lessening your chances of finding real happiness with someone local in an actual relationship that isn't fraught with all this drama.

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Oof that's a harsh tone. I'm getting these psychoanalysis terms from having sessions with an actual clinical psychologist, I'm not web diagnosing myself. I am a bit anxious tho, and I'm definitely inexperienced I'll give you that.

 

I guess my chances of finding real happiness are pretty slim anyway, and I might be lonelier than I'd like to admit. But you're probably right about that self-sabotage thing. I do that a lot, subconsiously.

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I mean, right now mostly because of quarantine, but in general - I haven't seen any examples of real happiness, not with my parents not with anyone else. It's hard to believe in something you've never witnessed. Not only that I find it hard to open up to people. And where I live - the dating pool is very small and quite miserable tbh. I don't have much to choose from.

 

I'm actually glad you gave me such a harsh reply though, because I really need someone to shake me and tell me not to be so naive.

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You seem to have a lot of insight. Since you have a lot of doubts about this it may be best to back away from it. Trust your gut instincts.

 

Focus on studies, career, your goals, hobbies, interests, sports, clubs, groups, etc.

 

You seem hesitant to date, so unavailable people do seek out other "safe" unavailable, improbable people. However if you get too carried away, you may get hurt in the end.

I'm also really busy with studies and establishing my career. we live hundreds of kilometers. he has a long-term girlfriend.
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Wiseman has it right.

 

So you have really created a fantasy in your head where the ONE is this guy and no matter the obstacles you know he is the guy for you. Maybe on the Hallmark channel but not in real life.

 

Would you try and steal some guy from his gf if he lived in your city? I am sure his gf would be surprised to hear that her relationship is nearing its end. Typical cheater excuse...

 

 

IF you were to attempt a long distance romance I am sure you can do way better than this guy. Hell if you wanted to find the absolute wrong guy for a romance this guy would be in the top 10.

 

Being lonely doesn't mean you give up on your values and self esteem.

 

Lost

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Attached cheating men lie about their motives/situation. 99.9% of them either stay with their GF/wife or will go back to their GF/wife. He's filling your ears with sweet nothing but lies. I understand the psychology behind the attraction of being desired by an attached man..ego boost/ feel special/dopamine running rampant in the brain. The "he's picking me over her" enticement. I hope you realize that this is unhealthy risk taking and should just back away from this guy.

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Attached cheating men lie about their motives/situation. 99.9% of them either stay with their GF/wife or will go back to their GF/wife. He's filling your ears with sweet nothing but lies. I understand the psychology behind the attraction of being desired by an attached man..ego boost/ feel special/dopamine running rampant in the brain. The "he's picking me over her" enticement. I hope you realize that this is unhealthy risk taking and should just back away from this guy.

 

I just want to clear something up. Honest to God, I'm not attracted to him "because" he's an attached man. No, ABSOLUTELY NO, that's gross, that's precisely what makes me sad. Not only do I feel horrible for his gf and empathize with her, I also feel guilty - eventhough I had no idea he had a gf until just now and as soon as I found out I put a stop to it (I haven't replied to him since). HOWEVER, unfortunately, I fell for him (or the fantasy of him) BEFORE I found out he had a gf. And I'm only human - I have feelings for him and every now and then wonder "what if". But yeah, you're right, thanks a lot for this. Much appreciated. I will keep away from him.

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I mean, right now mostly because of quarantine, but in general - I haven't seen any examples of real happiness, not with my parents not with anyone else. It's hard to believe in something you've never witnessed. Not only that I find it hard to open up to people. And where I live - the dating pool is very small and quite miserable tbh. I don't have much to choose from.

 

I'm actually glad you gave me such a harsh reply though, because I really need someone to shake me and tell me not to be so naive.

 

Keep rebuilding and making more out of yourself and your life. Eventually find the means to move away to a larger city and find more opportunities. Don't do it online with a person you hardly know who is deceptive and questionable. I still think you deserve way more than this and you're shooting yourself in the foot. If you think your life is not so great now it will be worse with this person. You're looking for an uneasy and difficult situation to make your life better. It's just not a good idea.

 

I didn't mean to be so harsh earlier. I am appalled at this person's actions or behaviour. He's looking for an escape. Don't be the tool that he uses to make an escape from his own issues. You can do better.

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You seem to have a lot of insight. Since you have a lot of doubts about this it may be best to back away from it. Trust your gut instincts.

 

Focus on studies, career, your goals, hobbies, interests, sports, clubs, groups, etc.

 

You seem hesitant to date, so unavailable people do seek out other "safe" unavailable, improbable people. However if you get too carried away, you may get hurt in the end.

 

 

Thanks a lot for this. I think you might be spot on with seeking out unavailable partners. I guess this quarantine got me lonelier than I thought. I'll try my best to occupy my mind with something else until this infatuation passes I guess.

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Wiseman has it right.

 

So you have really created a fantasy in your head where the ONE is this guy and no matter the obstacles you know he is the guy for you. Maybe on the Hallmark channel but not in real life.

 

Would you try and steal some guy from his gf if he lived in your city? I am sure his gf would be surprised to hear that her relationship is nearing its end. Typical cheater excuse...

 

 

IF you were to attempt a long distance romance I am sure you can do way better than this guy. Hell if you wanted to find the absolute wrong guy for a romance this guy would be in the top 10.

 

Being lonely doesn't mean you give up on your values and self esteem.

 

Lost

 

I don't even watch Hallmark (despise it) but I guess that didn't stop me from creating my fantasy fairy tale based on a toxic online situationship lmao. Thanks for your advice!

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The fact that you are here asking these questions and being open with suggestions given to you is a really good thing.

 

Lesson learned right? Next time what is one of the first things you should ask? Exactly "Are you single?"

 

You were open and wanted this to be real but he was a liar and a cheater. It happens all the time unfortunately.

 

Keep your head up and think about possibly relocating to somewhere with a bigger dating pool.

 

Lost

 

PS Hallmark makes a killing off all those Christmas love stories so somebody is watching. Nothing wrong with being a romantic.

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I have feelings for him

 

No, you have feelings for the idea of him.

 

You only know him on a superficial level so that's as deep as your feelings can possibly go. You have no clue what this guy is really like, nor if you two would have chemistry offline. The common points of interest only count for so much when you've never spent any time together in person.

 

And let's be real: what you do know is not that good. He's the type of guy who chats up other women on the internet and (says) he will monkey-branch for a stranger. That suggests he lacks respect, common sense and a moral compass. Sound like a catch?

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You need to give your head a shake. You dont know him, only what he's told you. He may well be married with 5 kids for all you know! Just because he says he has a gf he'd break up with to be with you (a stranger) doesn't mean that's true.

 

You'd save yourself a lot o heartache and headaches if you block and delete this guy from your life. You are not in love with this random dude.

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You need to give your head a shake. You dont know him, only what he's told you. He may well be married with 5 kids for all you know! Just because he says he has a gf he'd break up with to be with you (a stranger) doesn't mean that's true.

 

You'd save yourself a lot o heartache and headaches if you block and delete this guy from your life. You are not in love with this random dude.

 

I mean I know for a fact he's not married with 5 kids because of his facebook profile and all, he seems well loved too, but you're definitely right - this dude is on some sneaky . Even if he was telling the truth about his relationship - it's still a huge red flag that he was apparently willing to leave his long-term relationship over 1 month of us talking online. Even if we had deep talks, still... That's just weird. Desperate at best. Who knows what his intentions are. Thanks a lot for your input!

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Keep rebuilding and making more out of yourself and your life. Eventually find the means to move away to a larger city and find more opportunities. Don't do it online with a person you hardly know who is deceptive and questionable. I still think you deserve way more than this and you're shooting yourself in the foot. If you think your life is not so great now it will be worse with this person. You're looking for an uneasy and difficult situation to make your life better. It's just not a good idea.

 

I didn't mean to be so harsh earlier. I am appalled at this person's actions or behaviour. He's looking for an escape. Don't be the tool that he uses to make an escape from his own issues. You can do better.

 

Thank you for believing I deserve more - I think I needed to hear that. So thanks a lot. And honestly I think you hit the nail on the head when you said he's looking for an escape. I've been quietly suspecting that too, even before I learned of his gf. He implied that he'd rather move somewhere else and experience something great than to stay where he is and some other weird stuff. I kind of brushed it off when he said that but I still found it odd.

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Okay, you two are going based on nothing.. but words. Yes, is wrong.

 

Even if he is working his way out of his relationship with his gf.. Never get involved with anyone who's going thru a BU- which was long term. They're still 'stuck there' for a while.

Anything with YOU would be most likely a rebound - those hurt! :(

 

With your challenging issue's and his - being involved, distance.. being led on etc.. ( was most likely just a thrill).

 

So far, he was just emotionally cheating on her. I do feel for her as well .

 

Nah, don't even think twice with this one.

 

Remove yourself totally from this.. loser .

 

Move along and will come across someone out there, more local and NOT involved- who is more honest as well.

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How do you know he's the one messaging you? Maybe he is maybe he isn't. This interaction is a strong sign that you need to get a life. Please don't get all woo woo about how badly you feel for his girlfriend, etc - these are all strangers and you created a fantasy around them. Just take it as a sign to get a life. Harder to do with covid but very doable. For example you can do some virtual volunteering . i did and I am already very busy.

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Hi,

 

I think this goes to show you need to work on yourself more and get better self esteem. You’re not in a position to be emotionally put yourself out there. Because well this is what you attract. This guy needs to be blocked and you need to give up the fantasy. Your real life love is out there for you. Everything has timing and for good reason. Due to Covid it’s hard to meet others so take the time for you. Pamper yourself and just be single. Then when it’s safe to date again, date local.

 

This is honestly what I’m doing. I’m single and I made the clear concise decision to be single until next Summer or even next Fall. I know I’m not in a good place emotionally and I feel I would latch onto a online romance if I could. So I do get it.

 

I know though you don’t need to be wasting anymore time on this guy.

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Hi,

 

I think this goes to show you need to work on yourself more and get better self esteem. You’re not in a position to be emotionally put yourself out there. Because well this is what you attract. This guy needs to be blocked and you need to give up the fantasy. Your real life love is out there for you. Everything has timing and for good reason. Due to Covid it’s hard to meet others so take the time for you. Pamper yourself and just be single. Then when it’s safe to date again, date local.

 

This is honestly what I’m doing. I’m single and I made the clear concise decision to be single until next Summer or even next Fall. I know I’m not in a good place emotionally and I feel I would latch onto a online romance if I could. So I do get it.

 

I know though you don’t need to be wasting anymore time on this guy.

 

Thank you. I agree about working on myself however I've literally been single my whole, entire life. So I actually don't think not being single enough is the problem here. If anything me being single for such a long time is a problem. Despite everything, a person grows through relationships, romantic ones too. And while I've done a lot of soul searching, introspection etc, I clearly haven't gone through any romantic relationship therefore I haven't grown and learned through them. And also I pamper myself so much. I do think I love myself, but then again what is self-love? Idk, really, does anyone know what that even is.

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Self-love is whatever you want it to be. If you follow someone else's suggestions, they're only that - suggestions. You'll have to do that discovering on your own. Maybe it's not relationships that will give you greater insight into yourself or your future or the world around you. I did it through a lot of travel and then I just met people along the way. The relationships were things that happened while I was searching for other things. Give yourself room to breathe. I do genuinely believe you deserve more. You just have to believe that too.

 

Whenever I think of recharging or taking a time out, I reconnect with things that matter to me. What matters to me might not matter to you so you see how it's dependent on the individual.

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Despite all these major red flags, the hopeless romantic in me wonders from time to time - what if this is "the one" despite the circumstances. I've never felt more understood, I've never met anyone with whom I would share so many commonalities. What if he really was going to break up with his gf either way and I just happened to meet him in the process, what if this is my "soulmate". What if I'll regret leaving this connection in the future. Basically I'm sick with the dreaded "What if" bug. :stung:

 

First of all, I agree with the prevailing opinion that he is a cheater, and that pursuing a relationship with him is not worth your time.

 

Secondly, he sounds like he's trying to make an upgrade, not win the woman of his dreams.

 

But, I can see how you're getting trapped by "what ifs," and that can be crippling. So, I have a suggestion.

 

And he said that in the next few messages he was going to ask me if I'm single and had I said yes, he would've broken up with his gf and give our relationship a try.

 

My suggestion is, exchange the next few messages with him, and see if he dumps his girlfriend and asks you out. If he doesn't follow through, move on.

 

And if he does follow through, and your dreams come true, just remember:

 

his relationship with his gf is reaching an end anyway.

 

(Be still, my beating heart).

 

He didn't apologize tho, interestingly enough.

 

(Cause he's not sorry)!

 

Honestly, I'd be done, done, and done.

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Thank you. I agree about working on myself however I've literally been single my whole, entire life. So I actually don't think not being single enough is the problem here. If anything me being single for such a long time is a problem. Despite everything, a person grows through relationships, romantic ones too. And while I've done a lot of soul searching, introspection etc, I clearly haven't gone through any romantic relationship therefore I haven't grown and learned through them. And also I pamper myself so much. I do think I love myself, but then again what is self-love? Idk, really, does anyone know what that even is.

 

To me loving myself means treating myself with compassion, respect and dignity. It means making good choices about my health -mental and physical. It means self-honesty and doing the right thing even when it's harder to do the right thing. Pampering isn't necessarily a form of self love -it depends how, what, in what context. Often when I push myself and work my behind off -that is a form of self-love. it's contextual.

 

To me choosing to spend your time chatting with and fantasizing about a stranger to the extent you have (he is a stranger for all practical purposes and certainly you're not in a romantic relationship with him) - is the opposite of treating yourself appropriately, let alone with love.

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