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Have I been friend zoned?


hoyos2020
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Recently got back in contact with and old FWB. We haven’t spoken in a very long time. He says I ghosted him. Upon starting to hang out again, he mentioned that he is shocked at how successful I am and everything I have going on with myself and he really loves how confident I am etc and he regrets us not getting serious sooner. That night we kissed each other on the lips goodnight.

 

A few days later, at about 12am he calls me super drunk and tells me how much he wants to be with me and just all of these beautiful things and how i’m the one, and then his friend gets on the phone and is like “what did you do to him, he is so in love with you, you two need to stop playing games, and that he better be the best man at the wedding”. The next day, he texts me to meet up. So I’m thinking that he wants to meet up to talk about us getting serious and so he starts talking about his night and so I hint at the phone call. And he says “wait, I called you”

 

So I remind him of the call, and tell him everything that he said and he was in complete shock, saying omg I can’t believe I said that. I was like yeah so do you really feel that way and he says yes but then says that i am more of what he can ever ask for in a woman and that he is very attracted to me and so happy when we are together and that my success inspires him so much. But that he is a jerk and i am such a sweet person and he would never want to hurt me and he just has a lot going on that he has to deal with and he is so scared of getting hurt again (his ex cheated) and he’s scared that we get serious and then I just ghost him again. We just left it at that.

 

A few days later, he texts me if I can help him with something so he came over and I had already cooked dinner for myself so he had some and said that it was the best food he ever had and was like “wow that was amazing you are going to make someone so happy one day” and then winked at me. I just responded that I know it was so good i had two plates and laughed.

 

I’m just so confused, because I know by experience that when you’re drunk, the truth comes out. And the times we have been hanging out, nothing sexual, we’ve had such amazing times and we get along really well. He told his friends about me. I just don’t get it. How can you think so highly of someone and profess your love and then say “I’m going to make someone happy one day”.

 

At this point I feel like I like him too much to see him as a friend, so idk if i should tell him how I feel and then cut off contact or if I should just wait and go with the flow.

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Unfortunately it doesn't sound like you are on the same page. He seems to be cavalier and kidding and you seem to hope for a relationship. That being the case, you need to decide if hanging around with him is worth your effort, time, etc.. At this point he and his drunken friends are making fun of you. My vote is dump him.

“wow that was amazing you are going to make someone so happy one day”

At this point I feel like I like him too much to see him as a friend, so idk if i should tell him how I feel and then cut off contact or if I should just wait and go with the flow.

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Wait for what?

 

He already told you the truth you don't want to hear, "that he is a jerk and i am such a sweet person and he would never want to hurt me and he just has a lot going on that he has to deal with" All the fluff around these words was just letting you down easy and trying to be nice.

 

Since you are way too into him, I'd say just go ahead and drift away until this crush dies down. He is not the right guy for you, he isn't interested in you that way, and he told you that quite directly. Best that you get over him fast and look elsewhere for a better quality guy. When a guy tells you that he is a jerk, you better believe him even if you don't know quite what he means by that. Just trust that he does know himself and that he is telling you the truth about that.

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I read a bunch of different things here and it can be interpretted a bunch of different ways.

 

Yes, the comment about being a mess with too much going on is basically a flag on the play, but it also could have been an attempt to get some reassurance from you.

What to do?

Nothing.

You've spent mere hours with this guy. I get you know him from the past but surely you have just enough composure to take this one day at time, with no expectations and let this play out the way it is supposed to.

If he flakes out, you are centered enough to handle it without missing a step.

Don't get attached to an outcome and don't fall into bed with him in the meantime.

Eyes and ears open. Live in the moment.

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I don't think you should take him seriously. Your judgment is skewed because you seem to have a crush on him or like him a lot. When someone tells you they like you or they're star-struck by you when they're drunk, it means that they're drunk. He sounds like a sweet talker with no substance and a lot of anxiety issues.

 

Steer clear and don't sleep with him again. I think you have too many feelings to treat him as a fwb.

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But that he is a jerk and i am such a sweet person and he would never want to hurt me and he just has a lot going on that he has to deal with and he is so scared of getting hurt again (his ex cheated) and he’s scared that we get serious and then I just ghost him again.

 

I haven't yet met a man who lied about being a jerk.

 

Each one who said they were jerks?

 

Yep. They were jerks.

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1) You two were just FWB.

2) After a long while you reconnect.

3) Other than a FWB as you previously were.. how else would he see you?

4) Like drunk texting.. ( which I am sure he is much aware he did..) Is nothing real.

5) So after such a long time of silence he has this 'Huge' liking for you?

 

 

I highly doubt he means that ' you are the one'.

 

He's a playboy, that's it. Dont put the guy on a pedestal :/

If you are feeling more- I feel you are BOTH going on a high ( a temporary thrill) and it will end fast as it started.

 

How much do you actually know each other?

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Thanks everyone. Ugh I feel dumb I was on the path to put him on a pedestal. Him and his friends probably had a list of girls they called that night. I just don't get how someone can claim to feel someway but then switch instantly. I want to cut off all contact but I know if I do hear from him he's just going to say "see thats why i didn't want anything serious with you because I knew you would ghost me". So its like a lose, lose situation.

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Thanks everyone. Ugh I feel dumb I was on the path to put him on a pedestal. Him and his friends probably had a list of girls they called that night. I just don't get how someone can claim to feel someway but then switch instantly. I want to cut off all contact but I know if I do hear from him he's just going to say "see thats why i didn't want anything serious with you because I knew you would ghost me". So its like a lose, lose situation.

 

So what if he does say that? He is no good for you anyway and shouldn't be in your life to begin with. He can say and think whatever lets him sleep at night. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Keeping him around when you have a crush on him like that will just get in your way of finding a good guy. Besides, no guy will appreciate the fact that you have an ex-FWB hanging around playing "friends" with you. He simply has to go.

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People who continually put you in that position basically suck. And.. it means it's all done so they can manufacture their own win-win in their own weird little minds. Reflect on that. It's not a random lotto, it's manufactured nonsense.

So its like a lose, lose situation.
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Thanks everyone. Ugh I feel dumb I was on the path to put him on a pedestal. Him and his friends probably had a list of girls they called that night. I just don't get how someone can claim to feel someway but then switch instantly. I want to cut off all contact but I know if I do hear from him he's just going to say "see thats why i didn't want anything serious with you because I knew you would ghost me". So its like a lose, lose situation.

 

That's a just a low blow coming from a low person. A person who treats you well would never throw this in your face. Very disrespectful. You don't seem like you trust him so anything he says should be out the window with you or anything he says should be prefaced with a glaring red banner CAUTION the moment he speaks.

 

Just recognize that when someone comes at you and turns the point against you about trust in a relationship yet doesn't demonstrate trustworthiness himself, this isn't a person you want to deal with any longer.

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ok. Is this a confusing situation because you're making it one? Serious question.

 

The main things that jumped out at me, from what you wrote. are:

 

1. the truth comes out when you're drunk. Be careful with this thinking.

 

Being drunk lowers inhibitions and makes the drunk use poor/ bad judgment. meaning, you may want to have sex and so you hook up when you're drunk. but reality is, when you're sober, you know its wrong to use someone for sex, so you don't hook up.

 

It does not mean someone is in love or wants to be in a relationship. it means they are just enough out of their mind to do what they really want, who cares about the consequences.

 

2. If a person tells you they are a mess and/ or doing poorly, believe them.

 

3. you're romanticizing an old FWB.

 

Stay away from this guy until he is able to have a mature heart to heart with your feelings a major consideration.

 

4. the winking and you'll be a catch to someone is him being a charmer. he likes the attention you give as you keep hope alive.

 

He could be a little immature, a player, have low self esteem from a bad break up... etc. All things you can't fix. he has to do that for himself.

 

his friend was right. you guys are playing games.

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I don't see any games or confusion here. He has said exactly what he feels. He does like you, admitted not just drunk but also sober. He sees you as successful, confident, sweet, attractive person. You said you are hanging out without it being sexual, so he's not trying to push for that. He is indicating, and openly admitting, to having feelings for you. But he doesn't trust himself. Seems like issues in his past and present make him hesitant to get involved with someone he actually likes. The risk of hurt to himself (ex cheated so he probably still has trust issues) and to you (knows his past behavior as a "jerk" could lead to hurting you) means he isn't ready to take a chance.

 

I had a girl say practically the same thing to me. She said I was a sweet person who any girl would be lucky to be with. She said that she was afraid she wouldn't be right for me because of her past. And she meant it. What I came to see was that she was actually scared deep down. She had been hurt in relationships and had self esteem issues. She really did care about me, but was unable to overcome her personal demons, making the relationship not possible. I think he may be going through something similar. He's a guy wanting more, seeing the possibility with someone, but not trusting that he can fully make the kind of commitment such a relationship requires.

 

So the question is, what can you handle? Do you want to pursue it, knowing that it is a risk? He may not be able to return your affections in the way you want. He may try and then have doubts and pull away. Would that hurt to much if it happened? Or do you think the possible benefits are worth it?

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Actually I disagree that everything a drunk person says is true. I think it really depends on what kind of drunk they are. Some people get very lovey dovey when they're drunk and start hugging everyone and telling everyone they love them. They show those one night stand scenes in movies for a reason, where someone slept with someone drunk and wakes up the next morning and is like: "What have I done!" Lol Alcohol can make you feel like you're really into someone and the feelings are exaggerated.

 

I think you should listen to what he's saying when he's actually sober because that's when he's in his right mind. If he's saying he's not sure about your relationship when he's sober, then that's what he really thinks. Also I think all the stuff he said is just an excuse because he only wants FWB. There is a difference between finding someone attractive and actually having real feelings and wanting to date. If he feels strongly about you then why doesn't he actually want to date?

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Actually I disagree that everything a drunk person says is true. I think it really depends on what kind of drunk they are. Some people get very lovey dovey when they're drunk and start hugging everyone and telling everyone they love them. They show those one night stand scenes in movies for a reason, where someone slept with someone drunk and wakes up the next morning and is like: "What have I done!" Lol Alcohol can make you feel like you're really into someone and the feelings are exaggerated.

 

I was about to write all of the above.

 

OP, it's what people say and do when they're not impaired that matters most. That's why the term "beer goggles" exists in the first place.

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